Unthinking, he reached out to cup Isobel’s flushed cheek and brushed away a tear with his thumb.
“Oh…” She looked at him, clearly surprised. “I…you…”
“I’m sorry,” Hail said roughly. “Should I not have touched you? I’m still getting used to the ways of emotions. But I sensed your pain and I wanted to stop it somehow.”
“No, that…that’s okay I guess.” She looked at him more fully, not making any move to pull away from his touch.
Her skin felt incredibly smooth and soft under Hail’s callused fingertips. He wanted to never stop touching her but she seemed to have stopped crying now and he couldn’t think of any excuse to continue cupping her cheek.
Reluctantly, he pulled his hand away.
“I do not blame you for leaving your mate,” he told her. “Young ones must be protected, especially one as special as Brandon.”
“Thank you.” She looked away in apparent confusion. “Mitch never understood him. He wanted him to be like all the other kids.” She lifted her chin defiantly. “But I think he’s perfect just the way he is. I wouldn’t trade him for a dozen ‘normal’ boys.”
“You are fiercely protective of him,” Hail murmured. In his own chest he felt the same emotion rise—a sense of protective possessiveness directed not only at Isobel but at her son as well. He frowned. Where had this feeling come from? It made no sense—he had just met the two of them and he had no claim on their little family.
Family…the word brought a new rush of emotion—a feeling of longing so great that for a moment he could scarcely breathe. He reached up reflexively to adjust the damper at the back of his neck…then let his hand rest back on the steering yolk.
Some emotions, it seemed, were too sweet to let go of, even when they gave you pain.
“Are you all right?” Isobel asked him. “Does your neck hurt?”
“What?” Hail frowned, uncomprehending.
“Your neck.” She gestured at him. “You winced and reached for it. Do you have a muscle cramp? I’m, uh, actually pretty good at neck massages,” she added shyly.
“Thank you but I was just about to adjust my emotion damper,” Hail replied. “Then I decided…not to.”
It was Isobel’s turned to frown.
“I’m sorry…your what?”
“It is a device embedded in the back of my neck,” Hail explained. “It allows me to control how much emotion I am feeling.”
Her eyes widened. “You can turn your emotions off and on…just like that?”
Hail nodded. “On my home planet of Zeaga Four emotions were forbidden—having them was called ‘feel-crime.’ All inhabitants had permanent emotion dampers installed by the Continuum—the group of sentient mechanoids that ran our society.”
“I heard…” She cleared her throat. “It was my understanding that the, uh, Continuum were the ones that made you—made the Dark Kindred—attack Earth.”
“Yes,” Hail said simply. “I have been asked this question many times since I came to the Mother Ship,” he added, seeing her questioning look. “I have also been asked if I regret the actions of my people.”
“And do you?” Isobel demanded. “Do you feel the least bit sorry? A lot of people died, you know.”
“I know,” Hail said quietly. “And the only excuse I can offer is that the Continuum told us we were helping the people of Earth.”
“Helping us?” Her voice rose and she was glaring at him now—Hail thought he could feel her anger against his skin like heat. “How could you possibly help us by attacking us?”
“The plan was to conquer the Earth and then purge all humans of emotions—as we ourselves had been purged by our emotion dampers,” Hail explained, trying to keep his tone neutral. The Continuum believed—or claimed to believe—that emotions make one weak—inefficient and ineffective. We were told that by taking over your planet and releasing you from the hold these emotions had over you, we would be freeing you from illogic and misery.”
“And you believed that?” Isobel asked, raising her eyebrows.
Hail shrugged. “It was instilled in me from the moment I was decanted from my growth tank. I had no reason to disbelieve it—no other frame of reference to compare my world to. Now, having lived among the feelers on the Mother Ship, I have a different perspective.” He looked at her intently. “And yes, Isobel, I deeply regret my actions.”
“I…” She held his gaze for only a moment before looking away. “Feelers,” she said. “Is that what you call people with emotions?”
“Yes—it is what we called them on Z4. I still slip and use the word from time to time.”
“But…you’re a ‘feeler’ now too, aren’t you?” Isobel asked.
“I am.” Hail nodded. “But I have always been in a certain respect.”
“How?” She frowned. “I thought everyone on your planet had those, uh, emotion dampers.”
“Everyone did. But I was part of an elite unit, genetically engineered to be extremely fierce in battle. To this end, I was given an adjustable damper in order to allow battle rage to consume me as I fought.”
He straightened the steering yoke—they had left Earth far behind and the Mother Ship was growing in the shuttle’s viewscreen though Isobel appeared not to have noticed. She was staring intently at him.
“Of course my damper was controlled by a higher ranking officer who turned up the damper before battle and turned it down again and locked it in the off position after the fighting was over,” Hail added. “It was the only way to prevent feel-crime.”
“Feel crime…” Isobel murmured, still frowning. “So…you never felt any emotions until you came to the Mother Ship other than…?”
“Other than the rage of battle. No, I didn’t.” Hail sighed. “Now I am learning what I was missing for so many years. There is so much pleasure to be had from life—pain too, but I am beginning to think that the pleasure makes the pain worth it.”
“So you can just turn your feelings off and on…” She snapped her fingers. “Like that?”
“Actually the damper is more akin to the volume control on an audio unit,” Hail explained. “I can experience variable levels of emotion, depending on how high I dial it.” He cast a sidelong glance at her. “I turned it up when I was at your domicile and I have not yet turned it back down.”
“You did? Why?” She looked at him curiously.
Hail cleared his throat, feeling somewhat uncomfortable. Another negative emotion and yet he had no wish to be rid of it.
“I…wanted to feel enjoyment at the pleasure of your company and your young one’s as well,” he said. “The time I sat with him sketching the circuitry for my oculars was possibly the most pleasant experience I have had. Except…”
“Except?” she prompted.
“Except for now—this time spent alone with you,” Hail admitted. He retracted his oculars, wanting to see her with his natural eyes for some reason. “You’re very beautiful, Isobel,” he murmured. “I never noticed beauty before I had emotions but you…when I saw you come down the stairs of your domicile, I felt as though my heart had clenched like a fist. Your beauty hurt me, here.” He put a hand to his chest. “And yet, I didn’t want the pain to stop. I…I still don’t,” he admitted in a low voice.
“Oh…” Her voice was little more than a whisper and her lovely brown eyes were wide and uncertain.
“Forgive me.” Hail looked down, concentrating on his piloting. “I have made you uncomfortable. Along with mastering my emotions, I am also trying to master the art of knowing when to speak my thoughts and when to hold them inside. Perhaps this time I should have held them in.”
“No, it’s…it’s okay,” she said at last. Her cheeks were pink again when he glanced at her. “I guess if you’ve never had feelings it would be hard to know how to handle them.”
“It is,” Hail admitted. “And you give me many feelings—many emotions—I have never felt before, not even with my damper set on high.”
“
How…how often do you set it on high?” she asked.
Hail shook his head. “Almost never. It wouldn’t be safe.”
“What? Why not?” Isobel asked.
He took a deep breath. Here was another instance where he wasn’t sure how much of his thoughts to speak aloud.
“I have…a kind of beast inside me,” he admitted at last.
Her eyes went wide. “A beast?”
“It is what I call the part of my personality that used to emerge in battle—the Bolaxian part of my DNA. I am not pure-bred Kindred, you see—my genetic code also contains traces of a semi-sentient warrior species—aliens from Bolax.”
“Bolax?” She shook her head. “I’ve never heard of that planet. Or those people.”
Hail lifted an eyebrow. “There are many more sentient and semi-sentient alien species in the universe than are dreamed of on your planet, I believe. In your sheltered little solar system, humans have only had contact with the Kindred and the Scourge but there are many trillions of peoples in the universe.”
“I see,” Isobel said quietly. “And these creatures…these Bolaxians—”
“Are ruthless killers,” Hail finished for her. “Their only urges are to fight and breed.”
“And…you have that inside you? That animalistic drive to…to kill? And to…” She broke off, shaking her head.
“And breed,” Hail finished for her. “But I promise you, Isobel, it is controlled by my emotion damper. That is why I would never turn it up past its midpoint setting, especially not around a female I cared for.”
He closed his mouth abruptly—why had he added that last part? Particularly when she was still staring at him with wide, frightened eyes. It was clear that he scared her much more than he attracted her. Or so Hail thought—which was why her next words surprised him.
“Why did I dream of you?” she whispered. “And why did you dream about me? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t fully either,” Hail admitted. “I have heard other Kindred speak of ‘dream sharing’ but I don’t know the true meaning of the term…or its implications.”
“It’s…frightening,” she whispered. “I didn’t know what to think when I came downstairs and saw you sitting there with Brandon.”
“You never need to fear me,” Hail told her earnestly. “Though I keep a beast caged inside me, I would never let it out around you or your son. My damper keeps my…baser urges strictly contained.”
“I…suppose that’s good to know,” she murmured but Hail could tell he had lost her. There might have been a mutual interest growing between them before he told her of the beast inside him, but now it was gone—smothered by fear like a tiny, flickering flame stamped out by a boot.
Fool! he told himself angrily. You never should have told her.
But how could he not? He wasn’t used to being anything but completely truthful. The idea of lying or even of withholding information was foreign to his nature.
“Isobel,” he heard himself saying, unable to stop himself. “I realize we have only just met but I feel…very drawn to you.”
“Hail,” she said quickly. “Please believe me when I say I…I feel drawn to you too in a…strange kind of way.” She shook her head. “But I’m a single mom and I told you what kind of relationship I just got out of. I have to think of Brandon first.”
“I understand. You fear I would harm him,” Hail said flatly.
“I never said that. I just—”
“It’s all right—you don’t have to explain your reasons to me,” Hail said, cutting her off. “I should not have asked. I just…couldn’t help myself.” He sighed. “It is another instance where I should have kept my thoughts to myself.”
“I’m sorry,” Isobel said softly and she looked miserable now. Hail hated to think he had been the cause of that misery.
“I am too,” he said shortly. “Please do me the courtesy of forgetting what I said. Look,” he added, to change the subject. “We’re about to dock. I believe your friend Kat will be waiting to meet you in the docking bay.”
“All right.” Isobel still looked unhappy but Hail didn’t know what to do to make her—or himself—feel better.
He sighed inwardly. It didn’t matter anyway. He could simply turn down his emotion damper and not feel the pain and loss which now welled up within him. He reached for it again…but again he put his hand down. He couldn’t bear to stop feeling even for an instant around her, even if what he was feeling was the pain of rejection.
Isobel seemed to catch his gesture because she opened her mouth to comment…then closed it again and stared fixedly at the viewscreen.
They docked in silence and as they were unfastening their safety harnesses, Hail turned to her.
“I hope you will enjoy spending time with your friend. I will be ready to fly you back to Earth whenever you wish to go home.”
“Oh…” Her cheeks turned pink. “Oh no, you don’t have to—”
“I want to,” Hail said simply. “But please don’t worry, I promise to keep my thoughts to myself on the return journey.”
“All right.” She looked so unhappy he wished he could touch her again, to take away some of her pain. But he knew he couldn’t. So he simply stepped aside and let her make her way out of the ship where her friend Kat, who was mated to the Twin Kindreds Deep and Lock, was indeed waiting for her.
Isobel smiled widely as she hugged her friend, showing the gestures of affection which had seemed so foreign to Hail ever since he had come to the Mother Ship. Now he wished he could experience them for himself. The thought of hugging Isobel, of enfolding her small, curvy body in his arms and holding her to him was immensely appealing…and completely impossible.
Forget her, he advised himself. She is forever beyond your reach, except in your dreams.
Hail knew it was true but he couldn’t help feeling a stab of regret as he watched her walk away with Kat. As for Isobel, she cast a single glance over her shoulder. Because his oculars were still retracted, their eyes met for just a moment…then she turned away and was gone.
Chapter Five
“What’s going on with you, doll? You’ve been moping since you got here.” Kat raised one auburn eyebrow.
“Have I?” Guiltily, Isobel sat up straighter in her chair. “I mean, I didn’t mean to. I’m really sorry, Kat.”
“It’s okay, hon—I’m not mad at you. Just worried.” Kat looked at her anxiously. “Tell me the truth—what’s going on with you? You seem upset and preoccupied.”
“I am, I guess,” Isobel admitted. She and Kat were sitting in Kat’s suite which she shared with her two husbands and three little boys. They were a rowdy bunch and the three of them had been tearing around shouting and playing and generally acting like boys.
Well, two of them were, anyway. War and Peace, the dark and light Twins who would one day share a mate, were loud and boisterous but the third little boy whom Kat called Shad was strangely silent and apart from his brothers. He reminded Isobel a little bit of Brandon, even though he was younger. He kept his big watchful eyes fixed on the action while he did little to take part.
Kat’s two husbands had herded their sons out the door, taking them to the park area in the center of the ship so that she and Kat could get to work planning the baby shower. Isobel had unloaded her bag of samples and goodies and started making lists and sketches of various activities but though she tried to smile and feel happy, as she usually did while planning a party, her mind kept returning to Hail.
Now she realized that though she’d been trying her best to appear upbeat, her deception hadn’t fooled Kat one bit. At least, if the skeptical look in her blue eyes was any indication.
“Spill, doll,” she said, putting a hand on her ample hip. “What’s got you all tied up in knots inside? You worried about Brandon?”
“No, it’s not Brandon…” Isobel took a deep breath and decided to fess up. After all, she would never get the answers to the questions circling relentlessly inside her hea
d unless she asked. “Kat,” she said in a low voice. “Tell me if this is weird but, well…when I met Commander Hail I realized that I’d seen him before—in my dreams. And he…he dreamed of me too.” She looked at Kat appealingly. “Please tell me I’m not crazy. Is this some kind of a Kindred thing?”
To her surprise, Kat started laughing.
“Oh, honey,” she said, putting an arm around Isobel’s shoulders. “Yes—yes it is. You guys have been dream sharing. You know, I had a feeling about you two.”
“Dream sharing?” Isobel looked at her blankly. “What does that even mean? Hail mentioned it too but he said he didn’t know what it meant or the implications involved.”
Kat looked thoughtful. “I guess he wouldn’t since he just recently came to the Mother Ship. It’s how the Goddess puts her people together. You dream about each other before you meet and start dating—it’s kind of like a preview of things to come.”
“Dating? But I can’t date anyone—Brandon has to be my first priority!” Isobel exclaimed.
Kat raised an eyebrow at her. “Okay, I understand you’re protective of your little guy. But believe me, hon, dream sharing is like the Goddess’s seal of approval. If you’re dreaming of Commander Hail, you can be sure he’s a good guy.”
“But I don’t worship the Goddess. And no offense but I’m not even sure I believe in her,” Isobel said.
“Oh, that’s all right.” Kat grinned. “You started dream sharing with one of her warriors—her children. It’s clear she believes in you.”
“That’s not the only problem,” Isobel said. “Kat, I…I’m not the only one who’s been dreaming of Hail.”
“What?” Kat frowned. “What do you mean? Was some other woman dreaming of him too? That would be weird. There are Twin Kindred who share a female but as far as I know there isn’t any equivalent in the Kindred world where two females share a male.”
“No, not another girl. I mean Brandon—he dreamed of Hail. Of the two of us—Hail and me—together,” Isobel explained. “How could that happen, Kat? How could all three of us be dreaming the same thing?”
Bonding With the Beast_a Kindred Tales novella Page 4