Trixie, this is your husband. My sister is in the ER probably losing the baby. I want you to know. I want to hear your voice. I’m afraid she’s having a miscarriage, and afraid what it’ll do to Brody and her. I need you more than I ever imagined I could need anyone. And I’m scared because I keep imagining it’s you in there on a gurney, losing our baby, bleeding and scared, and it makes me feel like I’m dying just to imagine that. Come home to me. Please.
I couldn’t confess all that. Not to a voicemail recording. I shook my head and went inside to be with my family.
21
Trixie
“I just can’t, okay? “ I said.
“Stop being pitiful. This isn’t bad,” my sister insisted.
“Oh my God, you are the worst,” I said. “You’re so freakin’ mean on Keto. I’m gonna force feed you bread and get myself some sympathy. Don’t tell me not to freak out.”
“Well, it wouldn’t do any good. You’ve been so damn dramatic your whole life.”
“I’m older. How in hell would you know how I’ve been my whole life when you weren’t born.”
“Let’s see—Mom and Dad never mentioned that you were an unusually calm toddler and suddenly turned so extra after I came along, so I can assume you were always like this. Anything happens and you are straight up doom and gloom. I’m really just glad you didn’t go into health care. You’d scare the shit out of every patient. You’d be like, this could be really bad, so prepare yourself.”
“I’m not that bad. Okay, maybe right now I am, but not all the time,” I sighed. “I just can’t believe this happened.”
“Babe, you had a lot of sex. And you’re pregnant. That’s how biology works. I mean, technically you only have to do it once, but I think the amount of sex you and Damon had probably increased your odds of getting knocked up.”
“You are no help at all,” I moaned. “I’m on the pill. I don’t even understand how this could happen. I’m not supposed to ovulate.”
“Well, don’t yell at me, sis. Yell at your ovaries. They must’ve got excited that you were getting some action after all this time,” she laughed.
“You are snort laughing during my crisis. Leave me alone to panic in peace,” I said.
“Nope. It’s my bathroom. This is my only sanctuary to get away from the kids. I’m not leaving. You’re stuck with me. So how you feeling? Apart from shocked that you can get pregnant on the pill.”
“I know it’s not a hundred percent effective, but this is just embarrassing. I’m thirty-four years old, single and in debt.”
“Excuse me. You’re not single. You’re married. To the father of your baby. Isn’t that, like, the ideal way to get pregnant?”
“It’s not a real marriage and you know it.”
“Seems like there was a lot of fucking going on for it to be in name only,” she snorted.
“I’m buying you a bag of potatoes, I swear to God,” I said.
“What is your problem?”
“My problem is I’m standing in my sister’s bathroom looking at two positive pregnancy tests. My problem is this was an accident. My problem is I’m in love with a man who doesn’t love me and who only married me as a huge favor and we’re getting divorced in a few months. How can I tell him I’m pregnant? He’ll want to stay married to me out of obligation and then, bam. I ruined his chances of ever being happy.”
“He’s not unhappy. Men who have that much sex are not unhappy. My husband is lucky to get it once a week and he’s happy.”
“Too much information, and, again, absolutely not helpful.”
“I am very helpful. I gave you those pregnancy tests, didn’t I? I had them in my cabinet from when we were trying to get pregnant a couple years ago.”
“Fine, so you have a fully stocked bathroom cabinet and no sympathy for your knocked up sister,” I grumbled.
“You are the grouchiest pregnant woman I ever met,” Kiera said. “And you just have to tell him the truth. You didn’t plan this. It just happened.”
“He’ll think I’m trying to trap him. I have to divorce him before he finds out.”
Kiera rolled her eyes. “Be a grown-up, please. I’ve known him all my life just like you have. He’s not that kind of guy. Tell him the truth and trust him to know you wouldn’t try to trap him. He called you. Call him back. Tell him.”
“I can’t tell him this over the phone. I’m embarrassed enough as it is. Then I call him and say, what? I was screening because I peed on a stick and congratulations you’re going to be a father?”
“That’s classy. Say that about the pee.”
“I’ll just have to tell him when I get home tomorrow. Which means I should go lay awake until morning and then drive home.”
“If you stay awake all night you’ll be even crazier than you are now. Take a bath, get some sleep.”
“I’m sorry I’m acting psycho,” I said. “Thank you for putting up with me.”
“I love you, you psycho,” she said and hugged me. “And I’m going to be an aunt! Finally! I’m going to go buy every loud baby toy there is and a bunch of batteries to pay you back for that Baby Shark thing you got Max last year. I hope your baby gets up in the middle of the night and demands waffles just like he does. And plays with loud toys when you just want to go back to sleep.”
“Don’t put a curse on me. I’ve got enough drama right now,” I said and shooed her out so I could shower.
The whole time I was under the hot water, I kept thinking awful things. He’s going to be upset. He’s never going to trust me again. He’s never going to touch me again. I’ll be trapped in a heartbreaking, sexless marriage because I accidentally got pregnant from screwing my fake husband’s brains out for weeks. I was like my own episode of a Jerry Springer show.
22
Damon
In the morning, after a restless night, I checked my phone and saw I didn’t have any messages from Trixie. That didn’t sit right with me, and I decided to call her, just to see if she was okay. I was ready to dial when I got a message from her. Sorry I missed your call was asleep. You ok? Flight comes in at five.
I’ll pick you up, was all I replied.
Laura and the baby were fine, but we’d all been scared. No one more so than Brody.
I couldn’t get it out of my head, everything Brody went through last night. How horrible that fear would be. I couldn’t shake it. I worked out. I did some laundry and went to the library and took some lunch to my parents. They kept asking about her, about how her visit was with her sister. I didn’t know what to tell them. I just said she was having a great time, because I didn’t want to say, oh she didn’t bother to call me back last night. We were all relieved about Laura and the baby, and I could tell my mom hadn’t slept much either. She was going over to see them later and I said to let me know if they needed anything.
Later, I got ready and went to pick up Trixie. I felt grim, like I looked forward to seeing her but I was uncomfortable, too. Something about her not messaging or calling, about saying she was asleep and not bothering to call, just texting her flight info—it didn’t seem like her. It was inconsiderate, and she wasn’t an inconsiderate person. I knew her well enough to say that for sure. She was sometimes bashful and awkward, usually stubborn, but she wasn’t unkind. So I felt like something was off in my universe.
When she came out of baggage claim, she hung back a little like she was suddenly shy. I gave her a hug, kissed her briefly. I had missed her, but I knew stuff wasn’t right between us. She acted like she didn’t know what to do with her hands. The woman who usually stuck her hand in my back pocket whenever I put my arm around her was fidgety, diffident. I felt the unusual quiet. She wasn’t bursting with stories about Max or about Kiera. She wasn’t saying much of anything.
In the truck, on the long drive home from the nearest airport, I decided I had to tell her about Laura.
“The reason I kept calling you last night was they had to take Laura to the ER. She was bleeding.”
>
“Oh my God! Is she okay? How’s the baby?” I glanced over, saw genuine anguish on her face.
“She’s on bed rest for a few days, but they had a heartbeat and everything on the baby. Gave us a hell of a scare. Brody especially. I’ve never seen him like that, and I was there when his first wife died of cancer. This was just pure—agony.” I shook my head.
“I can imagine. I’m glad they’re both okay. I’ll make something for them to eat and take it over tomorrow. I’m sorry about not answering the phone,” she faltered.
“You said you were asleep. Must’ve been real tired,” I said.
“I was.”
“Did you have fun in Savannah?”
“Yeah. We stood in line at this mansion restaurant thing forever but it was worth it. So yummy,” she said, but her voice was hollow. “And we went shopping.”
“Doesn’t look like you bought much,” I said, observing that she’d just brought back the one suitcase.
“I got Max a Baby Shark hat and gloves. Kiera’s still pissed about the musical toy I got him for his birthday that plays that.”
I nodded, turned on the radio. I wasn’t going to give her hell about how much I’d needed to hear her voice the night before, how scared I’d been. She didn’t deserve guilt from me, and my hurt feelings were my problem.
“You have to know if I’d known Laura was sick I would’ve called back. I would’ve answered.”
“I thought you were asleep,” I said.
She didn’t answer me. She was staring out the window. I’d felt closer to her at a barbecue dishing up potato salad than I did sitting in the cab of my truck with her, married to her right then. It hurt and felt hollow at the same time.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you last night,” she said.
“I missed you,” I admitted. “It was pretty damn scary. My mom’s crying, Brody’s shaking so hard I’m not sure he can even walk a straight line, and I’m just trying to get everybody to calm down when I’m scared shitless too. Seemed like about the worst thing that could happen, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”
“I hope Laura can get some rest. She had to be terrified,” Trixie said, and her hand went to her own stomach as if in sympathy.
“I don’t know I could’ve faced it. I drove Brody to the hospital to be with her, and after I called you, I had to make myself go in the ER. It was cold and noisy there, and it seemed like nothing good could happen in a place like that,” I confided. “I kept thinking, she’s gonna lose the baby. And maybe she won’t make it either. Maybe they can’t get the bleeding stopped in time, you know?” I cleared my throat.
She reached over and took my hand and held it.
“I’m sorry. I’m glad it turned out fine, but that doesn’t make it less horrible that you all went through it. If I’d been there I don’t know what I could’ve done but I wish I’d been there with you.”
“I wanted you there so bad, Trix,” I admitted. “I wanted—this sounds so stupid—I wanted to hold you and feel that you were okay, that you were fine. I don’t know how you and my sister got mixed up in my mind somehow, but I saw what Brody was tryin’ to live through and thought I could never do that. I wouldn’t wanna be in his shoes for all the money in the world.” I shook my head and broke off.
She got quiet then, and let go of my hand. I saw her swipe at her face like she was crying.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re gonna be wishin’ you’d stayed in Savannah,” I said.
“When you start dropping your g’s I always know you’re either turning on the charm or you’re upset,” she said. “You’ve done that since we were kids. Anytime you said darlin’, I think panties fell off clear to the county line.”
“Never knew it was that effective. Darlin’,” I said, trying to lighten the mood, tease her a little. But she looked away.
“Your sister almost had a miscarriage. You needed me and I wasn’t there.”
“You’re allowed to go out of town, Trix. You can have a life and not just babysit me. I didn’t reckon on havin’ a family emergency. You couldn’t have known it’d happen and, like you said, you couldn’t do nothin’ about it if you were here. It was selfish of me to want you there with us, so you could be scared and sad right along with me. I shouldn’t have gone on about it and made you feel bad. What you want for dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” she said.
“You feeling okay?” I asked. She shrugged.
“I’m fine. I’m just tired.”
When we got home, she thanked me for the ride, like I was some friend who did her a favor.
“Good night, Damon,” she said and went, hand to God, into the spare room where she used to sleep and shut the door.
Why did she go to bed at eight o’clock? And why wasn’t she in my bed? I called my mom and checked up on my sister and then turned in early myself to stare at the ceiling and think about every minute we’d been married from the
first night she had me undo that stuck zipper on her dress.
23
Trixie
I got up early, showered and went into the shop. If I stopped and puked in the driveway, that was my problem. I wanted to avoid Damon. I got to work on a saddle arrangement for a funeral and then put together some daisies and sent them on over to Laura’s house with a Get Well Soon card. It didn’t feel like enough to make up for not being there the other night, but I had to do something.
Laying on my side, staring out the window last night I longed to be in Damon’s arms, my back against his chest, his breath warm on my hair. But I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t really his wife. Just some sad, pathetic girl who had a crush on him and needed his good credit score for a loan. He didn’t owe me comfort as well.
When my sister called, I didn’t even want to answer the phone.
“What’d he say?”
“Nothing.”
“You didn’t tell him,” she accused. “You’re chicken.”
“When I was at your house and he tried to call, it was cause Laura was in the ER. She almost miscarried her baby, Kiera. I wasn’t here to be there for Damon, and I didn’t even answer his calls. He was shaken up about it. He kept saying he couldn’t be in Brody’s shoes and never wanted to go through that kind of thing again. How could I tell him?” I said.
“Easy. You say, I’m sorry about that, but I’m pregnant with your child.”
“Easy? He doesn’t want to be in Brody’s shoes!” I wailed.
“Okay, honey, you have to calm down and think straight. What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know. That he doesn’t want to lose a kid. Or maybe he doesn’t want to have any kids? I don’t know. But it didn’t sound good for me and the nugget here.”
“Aww, the nugget? We called Max the little bean. You gotta have a cute name for the baby bump.”
“Right now it’s the morning sickness nugget,” I groaned.
“Eat crackers. Like all the time. Constant cracker consumption is the only answer.”
“Thanks,” I said, and got some saltines out of my drawer and munched one. “These are stale.”
“Get new crackers. Jeez, you’re gonna be a mother. Learn to make a grocery list,” Kiera teased. “And you have to tell him. Maybe he was just scared for his sister.”
“What if that’s not it? What if he really doesn’t want kids and especially with me, his fake wife?”
“Well, I’d say it’s a little late for that discussion,” she said. “Get some fresh crackers and let me know how you’re doing.”
Work kept me busy, and Damon was at the firehouse when I got home. I ate and took a bath and went to bed early. The next day was the same, us working opposite shifts. It made avoiding him easier. Since I was, in fact, chicken. I didn’t want to tell him I was pregnant. I smuggled my prenatal vitamins in and kept them in my bedside table, not wanting him to spot them in the bathroom and ask questions. I drank plenty of water and ate entire sleeves of soda crackers to keep the nausea d
own. Kiera kept checking on me and pushing me to tell him. I blew off Michelle and Nicole with excuses about work when they wanted to go out for more tacos and margaritas. I couldn’t drink alcohol, the smell of tacos would make me puke, and I didn’t want to answer questions about either of those issues. So I just hid at home and slept a lot.
My mom called to ask me if I was depressed when I skipped dinner at her house. I told her I was just wiped out because business was going so great.
“I made chicken and dumplin’s,” she said. “You love those. What’s going on?”
“Just work, like I said. And, you know, I like to spend time with Damon whenever he’s home. He’s working crazy hours right now,” I said, nearly choking on the lie.
I was not spending time with my husband, but it was an excuse that would make my mom happy. The same woman who’d practically tossed me into his lap since I was a teenager. It wasn’t like I was going to tell her that my fake husband got me pregnant and I hadn’t told him. I mean, that was not gonna make her proud. My life was a hot mess, so I threw myself into work even more. My bills and books were up to date, my orders finalized, and I’d taken a booking for a wedding next month.
The only time I crossed paths with Damon, I told him there was lasagna in the fridge.
“Laura liked the daisies. And she said Brody ate most of the casserole you took them.”
“Is she doing okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, she’s tired of being stuck at home. We’re invited to my mom’s tomorrow night for dinner, you can see her then,” he said.
My Fake Husband Page 14