by Lang Leav
“No, let’s stay out here awhile longer. It’s so pretty.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him. I tucked my head into his neck. His skin was warm and inviting. He brushed my hair away from my face, tucking a lock of it behind my ear before placing a tentative kiss on my cheek. I turned toward him, so our faces were only inches apart. “Oh, what the hell,” he said under his breath. And then he kissed me full on the mouth, long and hard. I had read about kisses like this in books. On many nights I had seen them flicker across the TV screen as I watched with detached fascination. But it had never felt this way with Duck. I didn’t know it could be like this.
I let out a sigh when our lips finally parted.
“Holy shit,” Rad breathed. “I can’t believe I just did that.”
I couldn’t believe it either. It was better than anything I could have imagined.
“Do it again,” I said.
Against my better judgment, we stumbled inside, making our way through the alcove and falling onto the bed. Rad wrapped his arms around me and pressed his body into mine. When he kissed me again, I felt like all the bones in my body had liquefied.
“God, Audrey—” He sank his teeth gently into my shoulder, and I felt a violent jolt somewhere below my abdomen.
“Rad,” I murmured, pulling him closer to me.
He tugged at my sweater, pulling it up over my head and kissing his way slowly down my neck. I reached behind my back and fumbled with the clasp of my bra, pulling it free.
“Wow,” said Rad, his eyes pinned to my chest.
“Thanks,” I laughed.
As his hands traveled down my body, I was suddenly aware of every cell and synapse, every electrical current that sparked between them. Every touch, every caress, sent a shiver down my spine. Soon, his hands had found their way to the top button of my jeans when Duck flashed into my mind without warning.
“Rad . . .” I said softly. “Hey, I think we should stop.”
There was a pause.
“Okay,” he said, letting out a deep breath. He pulled away from me gently, lying down flat on his back. I propped myself up on my elbow and kissed him softly on the mouth. “It’s not that I don’t want to, because I really, really do.”
“I know. But your boyfriend—”
“Yeah, and I don’t think either of us is thinking straight at the moment. I don’t want to regret this tomorrow.”
“It’s okay—this isn’t the way I want us to start either.”
I loved the way he said “us.” How strange that, all of a sudden, one little word could make me so certain of my true place in the world.
“What about Claire, the girl you were seeing?” I searched his face. He hadn’t mentioned her since that night, and I never asked.
He shook his head. “It didn’t work out.”
“No?” I tried not to look too pleased. “Why?”
Rad reached up and stroked my hair. “She wasn’t you.”
We kissed again, and my body gravitated toward his like one of those rides at the fun fair where you’re spinning so fast that the motion pins you to the wall.
After a while, I pulled away from him reluctantly, and he let out another deep breath.
“Are you okay?” I asked him.
“Barely,” he winced.
“Is it hurting you?” I teased, my hand resting at the top of his thigh.
“Shut up,” he said, his hand reaching for mine. “I can’t stop thinking about all the things I want to do to you. So just give me a minute.”
“I can always give you a Lexy Robbins.” I put my head down on the pillow and laced his fingers through mine.
“A what?” he laughed.
“Lexy Robbins is a girl I went to school with. She was always preaching to us about her virginity. But apparently, she wasn’t so precious when it came to dealing out hand jobs.”
He laughed again, pressing his face into my hair. “You’re such an idiot.”
We were quiet for a few minutes.
“I’m going to end it with Duck. I want to be with you.”
“Don’t say his name. It drives me insane when you do.”
“I’m sorry.”
My hand was still in his. “I just want you all to myself. I can’t help that.”
I squeezed his hand. “Me too.”
We lay there for a few moments, and he turned to face me.
“Hey,” he said. “I have a confession to make.”
“What is it?”
“Do you know that day we went to the trails and you fell off the horse?”
I grimaced. “Don’t remind me.”
He smiled. “When you were sitting on the sand looking up at me, that’s when I felt it.”
“What?”
“This,” he said, his hand running down the side of my waist. “I had this insane urge to kiss you.”
He pulled me into him, his mouth closing over mine. “I also wanted other things,” he murmured.
“Like?”
His hand rested on my hips, and his eyes looked into mine. “I wanted to go down on you.”
I drew in a deep breath. “Oh—”
“But I also wanted to hold you, tell you stupid jokes, and make you cups of tea. I just got this flash of a life with you, of the two of us together.”
“I want the same things with you. That night at Blues Point, when we agreed to stop seeing each other—that was really hard for me.”
“It feels so long ago,” said Rad, his expression wistful.
“I thought about you a lot during that time. I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again, but you were always on my mind.”
“I thought about you too. I would see something funny or cool and think, ‘Audrey would love this.’”
“It’s weird how we met up again, don’t you think? Especially the way it happened.”
“It almost feels predetermined.” He reached over and took my hand again. “There’s so much I want to do with you.”
“We’ll do everything you want.”
“Promise me?”
I nodded. “Cross my heart.”
I woke up the next morning with a head full of screeching bats. My tongue felt like a desert, and my legs were two pillars of wet cement. I struggled to open my eyes as the events of the night before came back to me in flashes.
I sat up slowly in bed, wincing from the effort, and looked around the room. It was empty. “Rad?” I called tentatively, but there was no answer. Then I noticed a note on the side table.
Hey,
I was up early and didn’t want to wake you. I’ve gone to swap over the car. Be back soon.
I sank back into bed, the note clutched in my hand. A smile spread across my face as I thought of Rad and the things he said, the things we did. Then suddenly I remembered that I had forgotten to text Duck last night.
“Shit,” I said, getting up and throwing off the sheets. I padded across the rustic wood floors in search of my satchel. I found it on the couch and ruffled through it, looking for my phone. I fished it out and looked at it with a sinking feeling. The battery was dead.
I heard a key in the door, and Rad appeared with a paper bag in his hand.
“Good morning,” he smiled, then frowned when he caught my expression. “Everything okay?”
“I forgot to text Duck last night to cancel our dinner plans. Now my phone is dead.”
“Oh—want to use mine?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
All of a sudden, I was overcome with guilt. I put the phone back in my satchel and sat down on the couch.
“God, my head’s killing me,” I said, wincing.
Rad put the paper bag on the kitchen counter and ruffled through the drawers.
“There a
re some aspirins here; want one?”
I nodded as he went to fill up a glass of water.
“I got some bagels while I was out. Are you hungry?”
“I’m sorry, Rad,” I said, looking up at him. “I think I should get back home.”
“Okay, we can leave right now.”
There was a gray rental car in the driveway where the pink Cadillac was parked the previous day. This stark change brought me firmly back down to reality.
Rad and I barely said a word to each other until we got to the main freeway.
“Look, Audrey, about last night—”
“It’s fine,” I said, my hand nervously tracing my rubber band.
“We had too much to drink, and we got carried away. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault; I was part of it too. The truth is I don’t regret what happened between us. I wanted it to happen, but at the same time, I just feel like an asshole about it.”
“You’re not an asshole,” Rad said. “And besides,” he looked at me, “we didn’t . . . you know.”
I smirked. “You turned down my Lexy Robbins offer.”
“I’ll take a rain check on that.”
We were quiet as “Karma Police” played on the radio.
“I’m not going to pressure you, Audrey. This is something you have to figure out in your own time. But I don’t think we should see each other anymore until you do.”
“I know. It’s getting too complicated.”
He nodded. “I don’t want to be the guy who is messing around with someone else’s girlfriend. And, to be honest, I don’t think I can keep holding back when I’m around you—not anymore.”
“Me too.” The thought of not seeing him made my stomach drop. Yet I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to end things with Duck before I could even consider a future with Rad.
Rad dropped me off at a cul-de-sac just minutes away from my house.
“So I guess this is goodbye, then.”
“For now.”
He looked over at me. “God, I really want to kiss you.”
“Me too.”
“Will you call me when you’re a free agent?”
I nodded. “Yeah, it might be a while, though.”
“Take as much time as you need, Audrey. I’m not going anywhere.”
As I turned the corner onto my street, my heart began pounding wildly. I wondered why I was so anxious as I made my way, key in hand, toward the house. When I got to the gate, I saw Duck, sitting on the steps leading up to the door. He looked up at me, eyes red and bloodshot, his hair disheveled. “Where the fuck have you been?” he said, standing up. I could feel the blood pounding in my ears. My mouth went dry.
“I was with a friend.”
“A friend?” He looked incredulous. “And you didn’t call me? For the whole night? Do you have any idea how worried I was? Even Lucy didn’t know where the hell you were.”
“I’m sorry; it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and my phone died,” I said in a rush.
“Who is this friend you were with?”
I looked down.
“Audrey? What is going on?”
“We should talk inside, Duck,” I said quietly, pushing past him and sticking my key into the door. He followed me into the house.
“Okay, we’re inside now,” he said impatiently. “Can you tell me what the hell is going on? You’re acting weird, and it’s freaking me out.”
I turned to face him.
“God, Audrey,” he said, as if seeing me for the first time. “You look awful.”
“I’m just hungover,” I said truthfully.
“Do you want a glass of water?”
“No, I’m okay.” I felt like the worst person in the world.
“I’ll get you one.” He grabbed a glass from the kitchen cabinet and filled it at the tap. “Audrey, why aren’t you telling me what happened? Where were you?”
I took a deep breath. I had to tell him the truth. I owed him that, especially after what happened last night.
“I was with Rad.”
The color seemed to drain from his face.
“Rad? You were with Rad? But I thought you’d stopped speaking to him,” Duck said slowly.
“I did, but about a month ago, I had to interview him for a book he wrote—”
“He wrote a book?”
“Yeah, he was my first feature.”
“And you never bothered to tell me this?”
I remained quiet.
“So you’ve been seeing him since then? Behind my back?”
I nodded again.
“Where did you see him? How many times did this happen?” He was getting angry now.
I bit my lip and turned away.
“You’re fucking him, aren’t you?” he spat.
“No!” I said, my head snapping back to face him.
“So nothing has happened between you? Nothing at all?”
I looked down at my feet, then shook my head slowly. “No.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“It doesn’t matter, anyway.”
His mouth opened in astonishment. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? What the hell is wrong with you? Audrey, look at me!” He was still holding the glass, and it shook in his hand, the water spilling over the rim onto the cherrywood floorboards below. I concentrated on that sad pool of water. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Tears welled up in my eyes.
“How far did it go? Did you kiss him? Did he touch you?”
I began sobbing quietly, holding my face in my hands. I didn’t answer him, but we both knew my silence was an admission of guilt.
“Fuck!” He ran his hand through his hair. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m going to kill him.”
“It’s not his fault.”
He looked at me, livid. “So he didn’t know we were still together?”
“Well, yeah, he did—”
“Audrey!” Duck yelled. “How the fuck can you stand there and defend him?”
“I’m not defending him!”
“Yes, you are!” His face twisted into an expression of rage, and with one smooth motion, he hurled the glass of water at the wall behind us. It crashed and splintered, spraying glass across the room.
“What are you doing?” I screamed, backing away from him.
His eyes were wild, and he was breathing hard. We stood facing each other, unsure of where to go next. We had never been here before.
After what seemed like an eternity, his expression changed from fury to despair.
“I don’t know who the hell you are anymore.”
I felt all the adrenalin leave my body in a rush. “Maybe you never did in the first place.”
“Don’t say that, Audrey.”
After a few moments, he went back to the kitchen and pulled out a dustpan and broom from the cupboard. Without saying a word, he began sweeping up the broken glass.
I walked over to him, my vision blurred with tears. “Duck, don’t,” I sobbed, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Leave it.”
He turned to face me. There were tears in his eyes now too. “This is it, isn’t it? We’re breaking up.”
I nodded.
“But—you and me, we’re meant to be rock solid, right? I always thought if nothing else worked out in my life, I’d still have you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“Oh God,” he said, his voice choked up with tears. “Oh God.”
He let go of the broom and pulled me into his arms. “I love you,” he whispered, into my ear. “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.” He pulled away from me gently and took my hand in his, running his thumb over my ring finger. “You know, I’ve always wondered about your ring size.”
I completely broke down then, sobbing and clutching at his shirt. My heart was clenching like a fist in my chest. I had no idea it would hurt this much. My mind went back through the years like a person dying. I thought of Duck waving to me from his deck, summers at his parents’ lake house, jumping into the water from the pier, our laughter ringing through the air. Sitting for hours on the lawn, the sun on our faces. Chasing the ice cream truck down our street. The first time we made love, when I was so certain this was the person I would spend my whole life with. I looked back on all of that with new tenderness as it was disintegrating before me.
“I can’t do this,” Duck said, pulling away from me suddenly. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“How can you ask me that?” I could see the anger flash into his eyes again.
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could hate you right now; I really do.”
“Duck—” I said, reaching out for him.
“Don’t.” He brushed my hand away roughly and pushed past me. Moments later, the house shook with the sound of the door slamming.
Lucy came home later to find me balled up on the couch.
“Audrey,” she said, approaching me tentatively, “are you okay?”
I looked up at her, my eyes aching from the effort.
“Duck and I broke up.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she said, sitting down beside me. She pulled me into her arms, and I cried softly against her shoulder.
“Is Duck okay?”
“No.”
“Poor Duck.”
I put my head into her lap and lay there, feeling almost catatonic. “I didn’t know it could hurt this much. Honestly, I didn’t.”
Lucy stroked my hair. “Do you want me to do anything? I can get Freddy to check on Duck.”
“Okay, thanks, Lucy.”
My phone had been charging on the coffee table, and now it rang suddenly. I reached for it quickly, hoping it was Duck. My heart dropped when my mother’s name came up on the screen.
“Shit, this is the last thing I need.”
I let the phone ring out, but later it started up again. I sighed and picked it up.