Sad Girls

by Lang Leav

  “Hi, Mum.”

  “What the hell is happening, Audrey? I just got off the phone with Zoe. She said you and Duck just broke up. Is that true?”

  I winced at the shrillness of her voice.

  “And what’s this about Rad coming back on the scene? How can you do this to Duck, Audrey?” I could tell she was gritting her teeth. “I did not raise my daughter to sleep around.”

  “I haven’t slept with Rad,” I said, angrily.

  “Well, something must have happened between the two of you! What’s the matter with you, Audrey? I knew it was a bad idea—you moving out.”

  It was unbearable. My nerves were already shot, and this was way too much. I felt ready to take it to DEFCON 1. “Mum,” I said, “what makes you think you can judge me like this? At least I wasn’t married to Duck. You know, like how you were married to Dad.”

  She fell silent, and I knew my accusation was like a slap in the face.

  “How could you—”

  I hung up the phone and switched it off, slamming it down onto the coffee table. “Hypocrite,” I spat.

  “Audrey, your mother cheated on your dad years ago. You can’t keep punishing her for it.”

  I knew Lucy was right, and it made me feel even worse.

  “You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree,” I said bitterly.

  “You didn’t sleep with Rad, though, did you?”

  “No, we only fooled around. I know that still doesn’t make it right.”

  “Oh, Audrey, you should have told Duck earlier about Rad, before it got to that point.”

  “I know; I’m a shitty person.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re just human; that’s all. We all make mistakes.”

  I looked at Lucy, the eternal optimist. “At least I don’t ever have to break up with you,” I said, with a wry smile.

  She reached over and took my hand in hers. “No, you’re stuck with me for life.”

  The next morning, I got a text from Duck.

  Can we talk?

  We met at our favorite café. I was relieved to see that he looked much better than yesterday and told him so.

  “Thanks. You hungry?” he said.

  “Not really.” My stomach had been in knots ever since our breakup. Hard to believe it was only yesterday.

  We got a coffee each, and I busied myself with tearing the sugar sachet, pouring it into my cup, and swirling it around with my spoon. I wasn’t sure if I could meet his gaze without crying again.

  “I’m really sorry about yesterday,” Duck said after a while. “I didn’t mean to lose my temper like that.”

  “It’s okay; you had every right to be upset.”

  “Audrey, look at me, please.” He reached out and took my hand.

  I looked up at him. He gave me a sad smile. “It’s not okay. I was out of line. It was just a shock; that’s all.”

  “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

  “Yes, I do. I’ve had some time to process it all, and it’s starting to make sense to me. We’ve been growing apart for a long time now; I just didn’t want to face it.”

  I nodded.

  “Look; if I could click my fingers and have things go back to the way they were, I would do it in an instant. But I know that’s not realistic. We’ve been together for so long maybe we need some time apart to figure out who we really are.”

  “Maybe.”

  “The truth is I want the world for you, Audrey. I want you to do all the things you ever wanted to do, without me there to stop you.”

  It was a complete one-eighty turnaround from yesterday. I expected him to be angry, to call me names or throw more accusations at me. God knows I deserved it. But he was acting so reasonable, so selfless. I knew I should have been glad, but something about his attitude was irking me.

  “Is this you talking, Duck? Because it sounds like one of your self-help books.” I didn’t mean for my words to come out so harshly, and for a moment he looked stung.

  “This is me talking, Audrey. I mean everything that I’ve said.”

  “Okay, fine.”

  “What’s the matter? I thought this is what you wanted.”

  “It is.”

  He smiled at me. “We can still be friends, can’t we?”

  “Of course we can, Duck.”

  Nineteen

  “Did I ever tell you that Rad has heterochromia?” I was bringing Ida up to speed about the last few weeks since my breakup with Duck as we sat facing each other across her desk.

  “No, I don’t think you’ve mentioned it.”

  “His eyes are so beautiful. One is a stormy gray, the other a summer blue. That’s how tornadoes are formed, you know. When dark, brooding thunderclouds come into contact with sun-drenched skies.”

  Ida nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly right.”

  “I feel like ever since he’s come back into my life, everything has gone haywire. I’m wearing my rubber band again.”

  “I noticed.” Her eyes glanced at my left wrist with the thin band of rubber peeking out from under the sleeve of my sweater.

  “I feel anxious all the time, like everything is spinning out of control. But I can’t seem to stay away.”

  “Are you still seeing him?”

  “Not since that night we went up to Newport. But I think about him all the time, and that isn’t right, is it? I’ve just broken up with Duck, whom I’ve been with since I was a kid. He has been nothing but wonderful to me, and all I can think about is Rad. I feel really shitty about that, but I can’t help it.”

  Ida leaned back in her chair and sighed. “Our emotions pull us in different directions. The stronger the emotion, the greater the pull. Feelings are not always practical, nor do they make any logical sense. That’s just the way it goes.”

  “I’ve been worried about Duck. He deleted his Facebook yesterday, and I haven’t been able to get in touch with him since.”

  “Does he have someone to talk to?”

  “His family is great, especially his mum. She’s fantastic, and Freddy has been keeping him company over the last few days. But I think I should see him. I’ve been avoiding it because then I’d be obligated to see my mother too.”

  “I take it that she isn’t happy with the breakup?”

  “No. She was hysterical when she called me. I haven’t spoken to her since either. Do you think I should go and see her?”

  Ida nodded. “I think that might be a good idea.”

  After I left Ida’s office, I caught the bus to Duck’s place. I walked the familiar pathway up through the garden, a lump rising in my throat. Memories came to life around me like a ghostly matinee. Duck and I had spent so much time here, and I couldn’t take a step without bumping into some fragment of our history.

  “Oh, Audrey,” said Zoe, when she came to the door. She opened her arms, and I fell into them. Suddenly, I was a little girl again with a scraped knee, craving the kind of comfort my mother did not know how to give. Tears fought their way through my shut eyelids and trickled down my cheeks.

  “Come in, sweetie,” she said. I walked into the hallway and noticed at once the empty space on the wall where that dreadful picture of Duck and I had hung.

  “You took the picture down.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Zoe, her hand rubbing gently at my back. “Duck took it down just yesterday.”

  “Can I have it?”

  “Of course you can.”

  “Thank you.” My voice was barely a whisper.

  She led me down the hallway and into the neat, sunny lounge room. We sat down on her brown leather sofa.

  “How is he?” I asked as she handed me a box of tissues. I took one and blew my nose.

  “He’s doing really well, actually, which is surprising. He’s philosophical about i
t all.” She reached over and took my hand, peering at me with a worried look on her face. “How are you, darling?”

  I shrugged. “I’m okay, I guess. I’m more worried about Duck. I tried to call him today, but his phone is disconnected.”

  Zoe frowned. “It is?”

  I nodded. “And he deleted his Facebook page too.”

  She sighed. “I’ll have a talk with him. I’m sure he just needs some time to process everything. It must have been a shock.”

  “I know.” I looked down at my hands. “Do you know where he is now?”

  She shook her head. “He left early this morning, and he hasn’t been back since.”

  “Oh.”

  She must have read the expression on my face because she put her hand on my arm and said, “He’ll be okay, Audrey. He just needs time. You both do.”

  “I just wish—” I shook my head, and tears welled up in my eyes again.

  “I know. But these things are bound to happen. You know, I was madly in love with someone once, and I was heartbroken when we broke up. But I’m glad it happened, because then I never would have met Duck’s dad. Things have a way of working themselves out in the end.”

  “I guess you’re right.”

  “Of course I am.” She reached over and gave me a brief hug. She smoothed my hair away from my face and said, “You should go and see your mother. She’s worried about you.”

  When I left Duck’s place, I walked up the street to my mother’s house. She was in the front yard, dressed in her gardening gear, tending to her roses.

  “Hey, Mum,” I said.

  She looked up. “Audrey, what are you doing here?”

  “I just went to see Zoe.”

  “I see.” She went back to her roses.

  “Mum,” I said.

  She stopped.

  “I’m sorry I hung up on you and for what I said. It happened a long time ago, and I know it’s wrong for me to keep bringing it up.”

  She stood up to face me, pruning shears in her hand. It looked like she had been crying. “I’ve never been good at playing the housewife, Audrey. Some of us aren’t made that way. I love your dad. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for his patience and his forgiveness. But I’m a stranger in my own life. Do you understand?”

  “I do.”

  “I’m scared for you, Audrey, now that you’ve chosen Rad over Duck. Every time I’ve followed my heart, it’s turned out badly for me. When I met your dad, he swept me off my feet.” A soft look came over her face. “I wanted to be a star. I was heading in that direction. But I fell madly in love with a boy, and I lost my head. I was seeing someone else at the time, someone I cared about, but I was still myself, Audrey. He didn’t affect me the way your dad did. At the time, I couldn’t see that the crazy, passionate love I had for your father would lead me here to this life—this slow death.” She motioned around her. “Before I knew it, I was pregnant—at twenty-two!” She shook her head. “That’s too young—not much older than you are now. This isn’t easy for me to say. It’s not that I didn’t want you; I just wish it happened ten years later. I just wanted those ten years for myself, to find out how far I could have gone.” She closed her eyes, as though it pained her to say these words to me. “I don’t want you to lose that time—that precious, precious time. If you have to be with someone at all, then be with someone who makes you feel like you are still in control. Someone like Duck. Because sooner or later, all kinds of love—crazy love, wild love—fade into the same thing. The love becomes old and predictable—safe. So why not start there if that’s where you’ll end up?”

  “Mum, I’m not you. I’m never going to be you. You don’t have to worry.”

  She sighed, peeling off her gloves and tossing them on the ground. “Come with me, Audrey. There’s something I want to show you.”

  I followed her into the house, up the stairs, and into the spare room where we kept our odds and ends. She walked over to the bureau in the far corner and pulled open the bottom drawer, crammed full of junk. Lifting out a black-and-white striped hat box, she put it on top of my old writing desk and took out the contents. There were pictures of young couples, radiant and glowing, basking in the sun. My mother picked up one of the photos and handed it to me. A boy in a leather jacket with a cigarette dangling from his mouth stared at me with dark, brooding eyes.

  “Who’s that, Mum?” I asked, thinking it must have been an old friend or ex-boyfriend.

  “That’s your dad, Audrey.”

  My mouth fell open. “That’s Dad?”

  She nodded. “He was going to be a writer. Did you know that?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head slowly. As far as I knew, my dad worked in an office. I never thought he had aspirations to do anything else. I guess that was ignorant of me.

  “You should have seen him back then,” she said, looking down at the photo. Her eyes were dreamy again. I wondered when she had stopped looking at him like that. “I would have done anything for him. Hell, I would have followed him right off a cliff. That’s what boys can do, Audrey; that’s the power they can wield over you. It’s like being under a spell.”

  If she was right, it was already too late. I felt that for Rad, that mysterious pull. I had from the moment my eyes fell into his. I couldn’t stop it any more than she could all those years ago.

  “But you can break the spell, Audrey, before it takes you over completely,” she said, as if reading my mind. “I am standing here now, where you will be some day, and I don’t want you to have the same regrets that I do. I don’t want you throwing your potential away on some boy. I made that mistake—I squandered my youth and my talent—but you don’t have to. It’s not too late for you.” Her eyes were so sad, so desperate. I wanted to tell her not to worry, that Rad was different and everything would work out fine.

  “I won’t let it happen to me, Mum. I’ll be careful; I promise.”

  “Oh, Audrey, it’s already happened. I saw it that night at Ana’s funeral. The way you looked at Rad. I saw myself all over again. I’m not stupid. I know what I’m up against trying to convince you. But I’m on your side, even if it seems that I’m the enemy.” Her voice broke. “I’m your mother, Audrey, and I’m on your side.”

  Later that night, Lucy and I were awakened by the sound of screeching tires, followed by a blaring horn. I raced to the front window with Lucy following closely behind. We peeked out from behind the curtains. “Oh shit,” said Lucy. “It’s Duck.” He was standing in the street outside, with a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.

  “Audrey!” he screamed as he began ranting away in a torrent of verbal abuse while shouting my name repeatedly, at the top of his lungs. I could see lights down our street coming on as neighbors woke up to the commotion.

  “I have to go out and speak to him,” I said, stepping away from the window.

  “No. No way, Audrey, stay in here. I’m calling the police.”

  “But Lucy,” I said dumbly, “it’s Duck.”

  She grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eye. “Audrey, I’m not letting you go outside. Stay here.” She disappeared into her bedroom and came back moments later with her phone in her hand. She was about to dial when I stopped her.

  “Lucy, someone has already called the cops,” I said, as a police vehicle came down our street, lights flashing. They parked near Duck’s car, and two officers got out. He turned to face them, his stance aggressive. One officer tried to reason quietly with him, but it only made him more hysterical. The other one reacted swiftly, grabbing the bottle from Duck’s hand and pinning his arms behind his back. After a short struggle, he managed to break away and ran toward our window, where Lucy and I stood watching the nightmare unfold. He stood there, eyes wild and animal-like, looking straight into mine. “Oh God, what is he doing?” said Lucy as he lifted up his shirt. To our horror, we saw deep red cuts al
l across his bare chest.

  “This is what you did to me, Audrey! Do you hear me, Audrey? I should have left you at the bottom of that lake, you fucking bitch!” he screamed, his voice coarse and broken. At that moment, the two officers pounced on Duck, and he was wrestled to the ground and handcuffed.

  Once he was bundled into the back of the police car, one of the officers knocked on the front door. I opened it. “Do you know that man?” he asked.

  “He was my boyfriend. We just broke up.”

  “Has he hurt you in any way?”

  I shook my head. “No, never.”

  Next morning, Lucy and I were sitting at our kitchen table after being up all night. “I don’t think I’m going to any of my classes today,” she said, glancing at the clock.

  “I’m going to skip work too,” I said miserably, taking a sip of my tea.

  Lucy’s eyes were red from crying, and she had dark rings of fatigue under her eyes. “I still can’t believe that was Duck out there last night.” She shook her head. “How could he do that to you?”

  “It’s not his fault—it’s mine.”

  She gave me an incredulous look. “Audrey, do you have any idea how crazy that sounds? People get dumped all the time, and it sucks, but you know what you do? You cry; you smash a few plates; you go to a karaoke bar and make a fool of yourself. However you choose to deal with it, it’s your shit to handle. It’s your burden to carry. You don’t drag other people down with you. You don’t turn up on the doorstep in the middle of the night acting like a raving lunatic.”

  I began crying again, holding my head in my hands. “I shouldn’t have disappeared like that last week.”

  “It was a shitty thing for you to do; I won’t deny it. I would have been livid if Freddy had done the same to me. But it still doesn’t justify Duck’s behavior last night. He had every right to be angry, but not like that.”

  “What if he comes back again?”

  “I don’t know.”

  There was a knock at the door. Lucy and I looked at each other, and we cautiously went to the front door. “It’s Duck’s mum,” said Lucy, peeking through the front curtain. We opened the door.