by Lang Leav
“What the hell did Ana ever do to you?”
“Nothing! She did nothing at all.”
“What the fuck, Audrey! Do you know what you’ve done? Do you have any idea?” His hands were clutching the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were white.
“Yes, I do,” I said helplessly. “That’s what landed me in therapy. That’s why I couldn’t get through my exams. Don’t you think I would take it back if I could? I know what I did, Rad! Believe me—I do.”
“You don’t know,” he hissed. “You’ve got no fucking idea.” He was breathing hard.
I tugged at the door handle, and it opened with a click. “Audrey, what the hell are you doing?” he said, grabbing my arm. “It’s the middle of the night.”
“I have to get out of here.” I tried to pull my arm free.
“C’mon, Audrey.” He didn’t sound so angry anymore. “It’s not safe out there, for fuck’s sake. I don’t want another dead girl on my conscience.”
“But what happened to Ana wasn’t your fault. You know the truth now—it was mine.”
He turned away from me so I couldn’t read his expression. “Just shut the door, Audrey. I’ll take you home,” he said quietly.
Twenty-seven
Several weeks had gone by without a word from Rad. My whole life had come crashing to a halt. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Lucy what had happened. She skittled around me cautiously during those dark days, worried about doing or saying the wrong thing.
I hardly got out of bed, ignoring my deadlines with See! Sydney and the frantic calls from Sam and Trinh. Lucy must have told them what had happened because after a while, the calls stopped. I knew I was jeopardizing my career, but all I could think about was Rad. Now that he was gone, nothing seemed to matter. I kept going over that night in the car when I confessed to him about Ana, and I wished I could take it all back.
The minutes, hours, and days crawled slowly by, as a sickening feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. I could still perform the basic human functions, but I felt soulless. Every time I came across something that reminded me of Rad, the dull, throbbing ache would rise to a sharp, painful crescendo, and the shock of it was almost too much to bear.
One day, Lucy, tired of tiptoeing around me, finally had enough. She marched into my room that morning and threw the curtains back. “Audrey, you’re a mess. Have a shower; have something to eat. If you don’t, I’m calling your mother.”
The sunlight hurt my eyes, and the thought of food made my stomach turn. But the threat of my mother’s involvement was much worse, so I got up and stumbled blindly like an automaton into the shower. The water felt good on my skin, and when I emerged twenty minutes later, I actually was a little hungry.
Lucy made some cheese toasties and set them outside on the courtyard table with two cups of coffee. I sat down, taking small bites at first, then wolfing the rest down.
“I don’t really know what’s going on with you and Rad,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee, “but I know how much you miss him.” She looked at me, putting her mug down with a sharp clatter. “Look, I know he must be thinking about you too. I see how you are with each other. He lights you up. I’ve never seen you so happy.”
I thought I was all cried out, but the tears rolled from my eyes like they had been lying in wait, ready to ambush me.
“Audrey, why don’t you call him?”
“He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Why? What did you do that was so bad?”
I shook my head and looked at her, bitter despair coursing through my body. “It’s over, Lucy. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
I dropped by the office later that afternoon. It had taken all my strength and willpower to leave the house. As I walked into Sam’s office, her expression was a conflicted mix of reproach and concern. “How are you?” The concern seemed to win out, as her eyes scanned my face.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit. Just going through some stuff.”
“That’s okay,” she said, motioning to the chair across her desk. I sat down, my palms flat on my knees. “Trinh has been covering for you these past few weeks, and we have a new girl in too. She doesn’t have your flair, but, hey, that’s why we have editors.”
“I’m really sorry to leave you and Trinh in the lurch.”
Sam sighed. “Is this about Rad?”
“Yeah, we broke up.”
“Sorry to hear that, sweetie—he was a real darling too.” She shook her head regretfully. “What a shame.”
“Sam, I have to get away.”
“Away?” A look of alarm crossed her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know,” I said, not quite sure where I was going with the conversation. It was something I hadn’t realized until that moment. “I need to get away from here.”
“Are you telling me you want to quit? Audrey, think about this carefully. You’ve got a great thing going here.”
“I know; I’ve been so happy here—”
“And I’ve been very happy with you,” she cut in quickly. “Everyone in the office adores you.”
“You’ve all been so good to me, and I appreciate it—I truly do. But I need to get away, even if it’s just for a while.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve come such a long way since you’ve been here, and you’re now one of my best writers. But you know I can’t keep your job on hold.”
“I understand that,” I said, numbly. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I’ve got to go someplace and clear my head. I can’t stay here any longer.”
She looked at me for the longest time. “Where are you planning on going?” she asked finally.
“I have to go to Colorado.” The words came as a surprise, but as soon as they were out of my mouth, I sensed it was the right thing. At once, my mind conjured a vision of a new life in a small town where no one knew who I was. “I have some savings leftover. I’m just going to take some time out. Maybe write a book.”
Sam sat back in her chair and sighed. “You’ll send me a postcard, won’t you? When you get there?”
“I will,” I promised.
I stood up, and she walked me through the office and out the door.
“I’ll miss seeing your pretty face around here,” she said, giving me a hug. “Trinh will be disappointed. She had a soft spot for you.”
“Is she in today?”
Sam shook her head. “She’s coming in tomorrow. I’ll pass on the news to her then.”
“Thanks, Sam.” I gave her a grateful smile.
She nodded. “You take care, now.”
Lucy began fussing over me like a mother hen when I told her my plans. “Colorado? Why Colorado?”
“I don’t really know,” I said, folding another T-shirt and placing it neatly into my suitcase.
“Has Colorado got anything to do with Rad?”
“No, this is what I need to do—for myself.”
“But Colorado—that’s Rad’s name. I thought you were trying to get over him. I mean, why not . . . I don’t know . . .” she threw up her arms, “Denmark? Why Colorado?”
“Because—” I began, then sighed. “Look; I can’t explain it. I know it sounds crazy, but I just have this feeling that I need to be there.”
“Okay,” she said, looking bewildered. “And do you have to go right away? What’s the rush?”
I took my Audrey jacket from its hanger and put it on my bed.
“I’m going to leave you with some money for the bills and stuff.”
“Don’t worry about it. Mum and Dad have my back.”
I smiled at her gratefully. “Thanks, that would be a great help.”
“Have you told your parents?”
“Yeah, they’re cool with it.”
; “Even your mother?”
“Even my mother.”
My relationship with Mum had sunken to an all-time low after the stunt she pulled at Christmas lunch, so she had been on her very best behavior ever since. She even loaned me a generous sum for my trip.
“Audrey,” Lucy was suddenly tearful, “what am I going to do without you?”
When I told Ida, she raised her eyebrows and stubbed out her cigarette on the red heart-shaped ashtray that was a permanent fixture on her desk. She leaned forward and looked as though she was about to say something, but I quickly cut her off.
“I know what you’re going to say. The Colorado thing is some kind of coping mechanism that my anxiety-addled brain has conjured. That somehow going there will bring me closer to Rad. Even if it makes no logical sense.”
“I wasn’t going to say that at all. Sometimes we look too deeply into these things.”
“Maybe the name is just a coincidence.”
She smiled at me. “Or serendipity.”
“Sometimes it feels like I’m following bread crumbs.”
“Like in Hansel and Gretel?”
I nodded. “Are you a fan of Doctor Who?”
“I wouldn’t say a fan exactly . . .”
“Do you know the general gist of it?”
“Yes, he’s a time lord who pilots a ship called the TARDIS. Usually, an earthling joins him on his adventures.”
“Pretty much. There was an episode titled ‘Bad Wolf’ where Dr. Who’s companion, Rose, hooks into the heart of the TARDIS and becomes this entity with the power to influence time and space. Armed with this power, she scatters the words ‘bad wolf’ throughout oceans of time and in several different worlds. The words were like a code that the past versions of herself could recognize and follow in order to save the world—well, the universe. I suppose that every time she saw the words ‘bad wolf,’ whether it was a piece of graffiti or the name of an evil corporation, it was like a bread crumb leading her to a predetermined conclusion. That’s what it feels like for me. Like I’m being guided somewhere, and there’s a reason for it, only I won’t know what it is until I get there.”
“So that’s what you mean about following bread crumbs.” She sparked up another cigarette. “Sounds very insightful.”
“It’s just a thought,” I said with a shrug.
She was quiet as she seemed to be thinking something over.
“I know it seems like you’re in this infinite loop: one step forward, two steps back. But I do think you’re making strides, even if you’re not aware of it yourself. That’s very important for you to know—you have come a long way.”
“Really?”
She took another drag. “Yes. The fact that you’re going on this trip is quite a remarkable progression.”
“I still find it daunting.” My hand traced the line of my rubber band. “I’m putting on a brave face, but I am terrified. At the moment it doesn’t feel real. But there are times when it sinks in that I am going, that I am really doing this and . . .” I gave her a wry smile. “Well, you know.”
“It’s absolutely normal to feel that way, Audrey. I do believe this will be good for you, and if you ever need me, you can find me on Skype. But I kind of have a feeling I won’t be hearing from you again.”
I took a deep breath. “It’s kind of crazy, isn’t it?”
“We all need to follow our intuition, even if it takes us down the wrong path. Otherwise, you’ll always be second-guessing yourself.”
“I know. This was always my dream—to live in a quiet mountain town and write a book. It’s been my dream for as long as I can remember.”
“Then how lucky you are that circumstances have allowed you to follow it.”
“Yeah, I just wish—” I shook my head. “No, forget it.”
“That Rad could go with you?”
I nodded, tears once again welling up in my eyes. “I can’t believe how hard it is. The pain is indescribable. It’s like I’ve been turned into sandstone and my insides are being slowly hollowed out by a chisel and mallet.”
“First love,” said Ida with a sigh. “That’s the one that kills you.”
“But Rad wasn’t my first love—Duck was.”
“Well, that’s the thing,” she said. “Your first love isn’t the first person you give your heart to—it’s the first one who breaks it.”
On the day before my flight, there was a knock at the door. Lucy was out, so I went to the front window to see who it was. My heart pounded wildly when I saw it was Rad. “Hey,” he said when I opened the door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” The last few days had been good for me. I felt in control again, like I was making progress. But now, seeing his face, being close to him—I was ready to fall to pieces. “Want a coffee?” I asked as he followed me inside and down the hall. I willed my voice not to betray me.
“Are you going somewhere?” said Rad, spotting the suitcase, next to the door.
I turned around to face him. “What are you doing here, Rad?”
He sighed. “Can we sit?”
“Okay.”
We sat on the blue couch facing each other. “It’s been a shitty few weeks,” he said. “I’m sure for you as well.”
I nodded, swallowing hard.
“I’m sorry I lost it that night; it’s just a really hard thing to get your head around, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said quietly.
“But I’m glad you told me. I mean, I always felt there was something you were holding back.” He raked his fingers through his hair and looked around the room as if he was trying to search for the words he wanted to say next. Then he turned back to face me. “The thing is, I know you’re not a bad person, Audrey. You just did a stupid thing, and I know you’d take it back if you could. I know how sorry you are—it all makes sense to me now. I was angry when you told me, and I have tried to hold on to that anger because it seemed like the right thing to do for Ana. But I couldn’t stay mad at you, even though I wanted to.” He reached over, taking my hand in his. “Then I found myself just thinking about you and not about what you said that night. Just you. And I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you again.”
Tears flooded my eyes and ran in watery streaks down my face. Rad reached up, gently wiping at them with his thumb. I looked away, trying to steady myself. “I’m in love with you, Audrey. I love you so much that I can’t see straight, and the truth is, I don’t even want to.”
“Rad,” I said, my voice all choked up. “No, we can’t do this.”
“Yes, we can. We can start all over again from the beginning. Clean slate.” He peered at me hopefully. “Please?”
I shook my head, pulling my hand away from his. “No, it doesn’t feel like a clean slate, not to me. Not yet.”
“Audrey, you can’t be serious.” His face fell.
“I’m just trying to be realistic,” I said, looking down at my hands.
“Fuck being realistic. Too many great things in this world get lost to reason.”
I bit my lip and shook my head, trying to gather as much resolve as I could muster. I thought of what Mum had said the day she showed me that old picture of my father. That’s what boys can do, Audrey; that’s the power they can wield over you. It’s like being under a spell. Somewhere during my heartache, my insufferable pain, there was something else stirring within me, and it was growing stronger and more insistent with each day. I had the sense that I was coming back to myself—that I was the one in charge again. Anxiety took that away from me, and in a way, so did love. And now I wanted to reclaim it in the only way I knew how. As much as it hurt, I knew this was my last chance to be free, to learn to stand on my own.
“Please,” said Rad.
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know who I am, and I nee
d to find out. I have to do it on my own.”
“Whatever you’re going through, we can work through it together, help each other.” He reached over and held my face gently between his hands. “Please, Audrey,” he pleaded. “We can’t just throw this into the fire; it’s too important.”
I looked at him, his eyes glassy and wet with tears, and I knew—I knew I was just a hairline away from cracking, from taking him in my arms and telling him he could have anything he wanted.
“I’m so sorry, Rad,” I whispered. “I love you, but I can’t.”
On the morning I was due to fly out, Lucy came into my room with a breakfast tray of scrambled eggs on toast and bits of burnt bacon.
“Ta-da!” she announced proudly.
“Thanks, Lucy,” I said, taking the tray from her.
“So you’re all set?”
“All set.”
A few hours later, I was putting my phone and passport into my leather satchel.
“All packed?” asked Lucy.
“Yes, I’ve been all packed for the last week.”
“You sure you don’t want me to drive you to the airport?”
“No, I want to do it alone.”
Her eyes filled up, and I held my arms out and hugged her. “Love you, sweetie,” she said. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Me too.” I squeezed her tightly. “I’ll call you first thing when I land.”
There was a honk outside, and I pulled away from Lucy, holding both her hands.
“My cab is here. You’ll be okay, won’t you?”
“Of course. You know Freddy practically lives here anyway. Maybe I’ll convince him to move in officially.”
“Good luck dragging him away from his momma,” I said, with a smile. Freddy was a kid at heart, and I couldn’t imagine him flying the coop just yet.
She rolled her eyes. “That woman drives me mad!”
“She loves you, though. His whole family adores you.”
“Can you blame them?” She grinned, then her expression saddened. “I can’t believe you’re really going.”
I gave her another quick hug. “I’ll be back before you know it.”