30
‘Oh, that was a joke. Honestly…’ I rolled my eyes at Audrey. ‘Cara has always had a funny sense of humour – about her not having a brain and the doctors needing to check she actually had one. It’s nothing to worry about.’
‘But—’
Lily tugged at my coat. ‘Come on, Mum. We should help to tidy up.’
Gratefully I followed my daughter. I managed to avoid Audrey, even when we’d gone inside. Prada, the cat, seemed to have distracted her, as he chose her lap to sit on. Yet she kept shooting worried looks at her daughter-in-law whilst Davina, Cara and me chatted about how the evening had gone and warmed up.
The children sat on the floor, excited to have yet another night out with their friends. There was strictly no snacking in here, what with the pale cream furniture. The laminate floor was durable but sticky fingers could get everywhere. I looked outside. Max was sitting on the wall with his work mates. By the sound of their laughter, I was guessing they were finishing off the wine and Cointreau. Audrey appeared at my side.
‘Please, Fern. You’re a straight sort of person. Cara would never make a joke about something like that. I want to be there for her. It’s best that I know.’
I turned to face her, berating myself mentally. Audrey’s hearing aids. How could I have been so stupid? Of course she would have picked up my conversation with Cara.
‘Look… it’s nothing to worry about. I promise. She’s just going for a check-up.’
‘Why?’ The lines of Audrey’s face ran deeper than usual. ‘Does John know?’
‘No. She doesn’t want to worry him.’
‘But she shouldn’t be dealing with this on her I own. I want to help. Please. I won’t tell Cara I know. But perhaps if I know the details I can support without her cottoning on. She’s been so good to me over recent months.’ She blushed.
‘You’ve become closer, haven’t you?’ I said, softly.
Normally I would never break a confidence but I couldn’t help thinking Audrey was right. Half of Cara’s problem was that she rarely asked for support.
‘It’s not cancer, is it?’ Her voice broke. ‘After seeing what John’s dad went through…’
‘No. Audrey. It’s not. Look. She’s just been fretting.’
‘About what?’
I sighed. ‘It’s her memory.’
Audrey’s eyebrows knotted together.
‘Over recent months, she’s made silly mistakes and Cara’s concerned it’s a sign of something more serious.’
‘Silly mistakes?’ Audrey stared at me intently.
‘You know – burning food, messing up the laundry, mistakes like the curry powder. It’s been preying on her mind and poor Cara has imagined all sorts. It’s really got her down. So it’s not cancer. Davina and I have told her she’s probably just tired.’
‘Since I moved in?’
‘It’s a busy time of year anyway, what with Christmas,’ I said briskly. ‘So promise me you won’t worry any more. I expect the doctor will just tell her to take it easy.’
‘She’s always so cheerful.’ She shook her head. ‘I had no idea. She’s been putting on an act.’
‘That’s Cara. She’s a real trouper, always looking after everyone but herself. I remember last Christmas, the Parents’ Association put together a choir of adults to sing carols at the Christmas fair. She was one of their strongest singers and carried the songs all day. In the evening she went to bed early. She hadn’t told anyone that she’d woken up with horrendous toothache. Cara’s the least selfish, most kind-hearted person I know, yet she’s very hard on herself.’
Not unlike Kit.
Kit who could be leaving. Finishing his job. Would he finally contact his parents in London and return to them? I’d miss him. I would. I hadn’t really thought about what he’d be doing after this job. Now it hit me that even if he didn’t finish at the school now, he would in a few months.
Audrey’s hands were shaking. I held them in between mine.
‘I shouldn’t have told you. But please believe me. I’m sure Cara’s okay and the doctor will put her mind – and all of ours – at ease.’
‘No… no… you did the right thing. Thank you.’ She pulled her hands away and hurried into the hallway. Cara caught my eye from across the room and we left the living room together. The front door slammed shut. Audrey’s coat was missing.
‘She’s gone home? Why?’ asked Cara and grabbed her anorak. ‘She mustn’t walk on that ice alone. It’s too dangerous.’
She pulled open the door and all at once we heard a high-pitched cry. Cara rushed out and I followed to see Max and his team surrounding Audrey who was standing at a funny angle. Gently Max and one of his men led her back to the house.
‘What’s happened?’ said Cara and took out her phone.
‘I’m okay,’ said Audrey and winced. ‘I just slipped and jolted to a halt. I’ve ricked my back.’
Very slowly, supported by the two men, she made her way back inside. Davina helped her onto the sofa and went to fetch a hot water bottle and painkillers.
‘You really ought to get checked out,’ said Cara, and sat by her side. She took her mother-in-law’s hand. ‘I’m ringing the doctor.’
‘Is Granny all right?’ asked Lex, crying. Hannah hugged her sister, her eyes wet too.
‘A cup of tea, that’ll put me right,’ stuttered Audrey. Don’t you girls worry about me. I’ll be as right as rain after a night in my own bed. Honestly. There’s no need to involve anyone else. I didn’t fall over.’ She moved her body until she found a comfortable position.
‘You’re going home? Before Christmas? And at this hour?’ Cara sat back. ‘Audrey… no way. What’s brought this on?’
Davina looked at Max. She glanced at the children and then jerked her head towards the door. He nodded.
‘Right, kids, how about a mid-week treat – a visit to the pizza takeaway. We could share a large one and eat it on the way back, if anyone’s got room after all those donuts,’ he said.
‘I want to stay with Granny,’ said Lex and hugged Audrey’s legs.
‘Off you go,’ she said brightly. ‘Just don’t have too much. The cheese will stop you from sleeping.’
‘You’ll still be at our house?’ she said.
Audrey paused. ‘Until tomorrow. Yes.’
Lex’s face puckered up.
‘Let’s get going,’ said Max firmly. The children were ushered out of the room.
‘I’ll be off,’ said Mia and put an arm around Tommy’s shoulder. ‘Thanks for a great night, ladies.’
She followed Max outside.
Cara, Davina and I looked at each other. We didn’t say much until Audrey was supplied a very sweet cup of tea.
She and Cara were sitting on the sofa, with Davina in the armchair opposite and me on the floor, in front of the gilt coffee table. We’d all taken off our coats. The curtains were drawn again. Prada had jumped onto Audrey’s lap once more. Cara couldn’t stop him in time.
‘It’s okay,’ mumbled Audrey as she stroked the furry back.
‘What’s this all about?’ asked Cara gently. ‘Why on earth would you leave before Christmas? I’m counting on you to help me do all the washing up.’
No reply.
‘Audrey caught our conversation earlier about your doctor’s appointment and your comment about a brain scan,’ I said gently. ‘I didn’t know what to do. Audrey, you were so worried, weren’t you?’
She nodded.
‘So I’ve told her about your concerns – the curry powder, the ruined washing…’
‘It’s my fault,’ burst out Audrey.
‘Not at all. You mustn’t think that,’ said Cara and shook her head. ‘Yes, the extra work with your ankle tired me out when you first moved in, but that stage soon passed. It’s nothing to do with you. In fact, you’ve been a great help and we’ll miss you when you eventually move out.’ She squeezed Audrey’s hand. ‘But that won’t be happening now. At the very least you’ll be stiff for a fe
w days. And in any event, it would be out of the question you leaving us for Christmas. Think how disappointed the children would be – let alone John. And I’m sure Davina and Fern are right, the doctor will probably laugh me out of the surgery tomorrow and just tell me to go to bed earlier and to stop obsessing.’
Davina disappeared and came back with a tissue box. She handed it to Audrey who blew her nose hard. She breathed in and the cat looked up as Audrey’s whole body shuddered.
‘It is,’ she said. ‘And I owe it to you to tell the truth. You’ve been so good to me.’
Cara frowned. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘You and John will hate me. So will Hannah and Lex,’ she whispered, wrinkles deepening. ‘I don’t deserve to spend Christmas with you, Cara. I’ll pack first thing tomorrow and leave.’
31
Audrey stopped stroking Prada and looked up. ‘It was me.’
‘What was?’ Cara said.
She took a deep breath. ‘I turned up the oven so that the meringue would burn at Halloween. I unravelled jumpers and added too much water to make the rice mushy for that Bonfire Night dinner. I left a plastic bowl on the hob and swapped cinnamon for curry powder. I also swapped the sugar and salt, and turned up the iron – that made you burn my silk blouse. I didn’t pass you the letter announcing the non-uniform day that you thought you’d forgotten.’
Cara looked puzzled. ‘I don’t understand. Is this some sort of joke?’
‘I’m so ashamed.’ Audrey’s hands covered her face. ‘And now I’ve said out loud what I’ve been doing, it sounds terrible. It is terrible. I’ve just been kidding myself that my actions are justified,’ she said in a muffled voice, ‘that you never seemed bothered. You are unremittingly cheerful. I didn’t think it was doing you any harm. But if I’d known…’
‘But what was the point? What were you hoping to achieve?’ asked Cara. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘I never arrived in Alderston intending to do any of this. But after a few weeks, when my ankle was much better and I was moving around and more independent, you burnt some scrambled eggs.’
‘Scrambled egg is the one thing I’ve never managed to master,’ Cara said in a measured voice. ‘John says I don’t add enough milk.’
‘Well, it was the first time I’ve ever seen you mess up – and it gave me a real buzz when I quickly whisked up a saucepanful for breakfast and the girls and you cheered me. All these years…’ Finally, she looked up and her hands fell to her lap. ‘Cara, you’ve been the perfect mother – you’ll do anything for those girls. You answer their every question. Patiently explain things to them. You can laugh about things on their own level. You never dismiss their little worries. And all of that’s aside from your domestic skills like making clothes, baking from scratch or doing craft work. You never once miss a school play or parents evening. I… I’m ashamed to admit it, but I was jealous. You made me feel inadequate. I know you didn’t mean to but since you became parents, I’ve always thought that John must think I was a bad mother. I was so busy with work, I didn’t always give him the time I should have.’
‘Are you serious? But you were the one with the career,’ said Cara. ‘You, envious of me? If anything, all these years, you’ve acted as if the very opposite were true. I never felt as if you rated my restaurant manager job and certainly felt you thought I was wasting my time, being at home full-time – like the way you often praise Fern about her career. Before you moved in I never felt good enough for you, as a daughter-in-law.’
‘In what way?’
Cara rubbed her forehead. ‘Maybe this isn’t a good idea to talk about it. It is what it is. I don’t want to make matters worse.’
‘Things couldn’t be worse, the way I’ve behaved, said Audrey in a shaky voice. ‘Please… explain.’
‘Do you want us to go?’ I asked.
Cara shook her head. ‘Okay. It was as if I’d been a disappointment and you’d rather John have married a high-flying executive. And there’s me thinking that had now changed.’
Audrey took her hand. ‘Cara, please believe me. I’ve come to think of you like the daughter I never had. I mean that. You’ve made me feel so welcome. You’ve tended to my every need, cooking my favourite meals, putting my usual programmes on the television when I know they aren’t to your taste. It’s been so appreciated – all the little things. I’ve felt like one of the family. The truth is, I never felt like I was winning at your age. I had to go out to work to bring in money. Neither I nor John’s dad earned a big salary. He loved his research work at the university and I would never have begrudged him that, but when we had John his income just wasn’t enough to cover the bills.’
‘Does any parent think they are really winning?’ I asked. ‘I don’t think so. I question all my decisions and worry about the effect they will have on Lily.’ Mia would certainly agree.
‘Spot on,’ said Davina. ‘The first year was tough with twins and I often put myself first just to get through each day. I’d leave them with a relative or a nanny we employed for a few months – I still feel guilty about that, even though I know I shouldn’t. And I know Max continually beats himself up for having to work such long hours. But he’s doing it for the boys’ futures. There are so many facets to every decision.’
‘I worry that I should be earning in order to demonstrate a strong work ethic to the girls,’ said Cara.
‘If anyone is a great example of a strong work ethic it’s you, Cara. You just don’t stop – I’ve seen that first-hand,’ continued Audrey. ‘I’ve never thought of you as anything but super-efficient and capable – a strong woman John was lucky to have married.’
Cara swallowed. ‘Really? But let’s face it, parenting is difficult whatever your situation. I love staying at home but that’s not to say sometimes I don’t find it mundane. And our domestic set-up means there is a constant tug of war between me and John. At weekends I want a break from Alderston – say, a ride into the country or trip out shopping – whereas John has been commuting all week and just wants to chill on the sofa.’
‘I’d like more time at the weekends,’ I said, ‘but even though I work from home during the week, Saturday and Sunday are still spent batch cooking and catching up on housework. I’d love to be able to take Lily away more.’
‘I miss working in the city. Getting dressed up. The banter with colleagues. Drinks in a cocktail bar afterwards,’ added Davina. She looked so relieved to have said it. ‘I wouldn’t be without the boys but life isn’t always jokes and cuddles.’
‘I guess we all make sacrifices, in our own way,’ said Cara. ‘But Audrey… I always thought you loved your job?’
‘I told myself I did. It’s the only way to get through. But most of the time I’d much rather have been at home making tea from scratch or sewing a Christmas play outfit for John, instead of having to buy one at the last minute.’
‘Whereas my daydreams have always involved going back to the rat-race, not leaving it.’ Davina smiled. ‘Eight years on and I still haven’t managed to ditch the pencil skirts.’
Her relentlessly immaculate appearance now made sense.
‘All these weeks I’ve felt like I was going mad,’ said Cara in a low voice. ‘I thought I had early onset dementia, Audrey. How can you say you’ve become genuinely fond of me when you must have seen me upset?’
Audrey put her hand on her heart. ‘I swear, Cara, I had no idea you were bothered. Looking back now, I was too taken up with being the hero. Like when my oat and raisin bars replaced your curry flapjacks and people talked of me saving the day. Or when I recommended that special scraper to get rid of the plastic on the hob, and it did the job. It made me feel useful. I… I don’t often feel that way, these days.’
‘But you help out in the charity shop?’ said Cara.
A sob escaped Audrey’s lips.
No-nonsense Audrey was crying?
‘I miss having someone to look after. Since John’s dad died… no one needs me. I knew exac
tly how he liked his porridge – runny with blueberries and honey swirled on the top – and he liked his shirts ironed in a particular way. When I retired I relished doing things around the house that I’d never had a chance to do before. I made jam and embroidered cushion covers and… there’s no one to share that with now. No one to care for and…’ She clutched her hands together.
‘What is it?’ asked Cara.
‘I…’ She shut her eyes tight for a moment. ‘I get lonely.’ It burst out like a long-kept secret.
‘You? Lonely? But… you’re always so busy.’
Cara sounded as surprised as I felt.
‘I do. Terribly.’ She opened her eyes. ‘And if I’m honest, my ankle’s felt great for a few weeks. I could have gone home at the beginning of this month. I just couldn’t face not seeing the girls every day. You and John have been very good in the past, visiting me once a month, but it’s the evenings as well… they drag. I’m not complaining. You youngsters have your own lives to lead, but…’
Cara’s frown disappeared. ‘I had no idea.’
‘Don’t show me any sympathy. I don’t deserve it.’ Gently Audrey pushed the cat away and with the help of the sofa’s arm, got to her feet. ‘See, my back is fine already. Davina… could I use the bathroom please?’
‘Of course. Let me take you. There’s one downstairs, at the end of the hallway.’
Cara sat as still as a snowman as they went out.
‘Sorry. I didn’t know what to say to her when she questioned me about our conversation.’
‘It’s okay. I’d have done the same.’ She exhaled. ‘I can’t believe this. I know it had started to niggle me, her living with us, but I felt we were getting on so well. All this time, me thinking I’d forgotten to pack gloves when we went to the Christmas markets… the red shorts in the wash…’
‘I honestly don’t think she believed you were distressed by it all. It’s come as a massive shock to her by the look of things.’
‘And I’m shocked too – I mean, Audrey crying? Feeling lonely? Since being widowed she’s always so chatty on the phone, with lots of news to share about her volunteering and playing Bridge.’
The Christmas Calendar Girls Page 20