“Well, I am your wife now. You have won in the end, haven’t you?”
“Not if you get yourself killed in an uprising,” he says quietly.
“I am not leaving my lover,” I say, and pull my hand away. “You were the one who said I could go to him if I wished, and now you suddenly change your mind? You think you have me, Jason, but you don’t. You only have my name on a marriage record. I am going to ring for the maid so I can get dressed,” I tell him, and walk away from the bed.
The rest of the week is spent in touring London, going to plays and the opera, accepting invitations to people’s houses to enjoy music, or poetry reading, and I go through the motions of being Jason’s loving wife. But at night, Jason does not try to make love to me again and I don’t encourage him to. He does hold me though, and it almost reminds me of when I first came to the manor. I am not any closer to him now than I was then, I realize. Perhaps that is how I want it.
CHAPTER NINE
I am glad when we get back to Irish soil. I have missed Ireland, if not the manor, but the manor is where I must remain. Jason has been rather indifferent towards me and I am not surprised. I tell myself it doesn’t matter because I love Jamie and I am just married to Jason for his own purposes.
Once the cause is finished, and we have overthrown the land owners and demanded our land back, I will leave Jason, whether I go with Jamie or not. I will never make an acceptable lady. I have too much farmer’s daughter in me. Maybe Jason and Ferrell were right. I am wild and nothing can pin me down.
As soon as we get back, I go to visit Randy. “Where were you?” he asks, when he sees me ride up. “I haven’t seen you around.”
“I never told you. Jason made me marry him because I escaped from England and he wants to make me stay away from the uprising. He thinks he can keep me prisoner at his manor but I know a way out and will never be held there against my will. He took me to England to meet his mother but I am back and just as eager to continue with the cause as before, dispite Jason trying to talk me out of it.”
“If he finds out, what will he do?” Randy wants to know.
“What can he do? He can’t lock me in the manor because I know the way out and if he locks me in my room, it would not look good. He can’t send me to England, or I will just return to Ireland, so he knows his hands are tied. He is just going to have to hate it that I continue with the cause whether he likes it or not,” I laugh. “When is the next meeting?”
“Tomorrow. You haven’t missed any while you were gone. They are going to go over the different plans of attack, I believe. More and more have joind the group. We have over ten thousand now, and we are just waiting until the military men form the Civil War in America arrive, and for the main leaders to agree on a plan. Then all the small groups will meet together, when the time comes, to begin the assault.”
“I will be there,” I tell him and give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“I suppose there is no way you can see to marry me now,” he says, with a half smile. “But you are in a better position, married to the landlord,” he points out. “You will want for nothing now.”
“Yes, I suppose that is an advantage,” I murmur. Then I mount my horse and ride back to the manor, thinking on what he had said.
Jason tells me that he is going to be busy for the next couple of days, catching up on business pertaining to the estate, since he was gone for a week. I think he is using it as an excuse to keep his distance from me. I believe it upsets him that I refuse to give up my lover and will never commit myself to this marriage. Perhaps he will decide to give me a divorce, seeing as how if I commit adultery, he would have grounds for it. That night we sleep in separate rooms like before. I have to admit, I miss not having his warm body next to me, but tomorrow night I will be in Jamie’s arms, I tell myself.
I don’t have any problem slipping out. I don’t know where Jason is. After dinner he just got up from the table and didn’t even mention what he was going to do. I really don’t care. I have my own business to take care of, I smile happily to myself. I can’t wait to see Jamie again!
When I reach the barn, I am surprised at the number that are gathered there. T here are more people than I actually know, and I stay in the back of the room. I don’t want Jamie to see me until the meeting is over.
Jamie stands before the group and introduces himself again to the new comers. “As some of you may know, the Irish Republican Brotherhood or Fenian Brotherhood was founded in Dublin by James Stephens in 1858. In many ways it is the first popular political movement in Ireland to be both led and supported by the common man.” Jamie’s eyes look around the group as he speaks, and then I realize he has seen me, as his eyes pin mine. He takes in a breath, then continues. “Now it is 1867 and The Fenians are the first Irish movement to draw on the sympathy, wealth and military expertise of the Irish–American community. The military leaders of the Union Army in the American Civil War are at our service, and will soon be arriving. When that happens, all plans will go forward.
“As you may well know, only one sixth of Irish, compared to one third of the English, have the vote. The Irish, by law, must vote in public, so if we vote against the English, we end up suffering, since they know who voted against them and they own the land.
“In 1865, the British government suppressed the Fenian paper, known as The Irish People, and arrested Stephens and several hundred other activists. Last year, in 1866, normal, peacetime law, was suspended in Ireland. The remaining Fenian leadership, rather than see the movement go down without a fight, are setting about organizing an insurrection. We are not the only group that is meeting like this. There are several others, which makes our numbers over ten thousand strong.
“Thomas Kelly, an Irish American Civil War veteran, has been made Deputy Central Organizer of the Irish Republic with responsibility for planning the rebellion. The actual military planning is being done by General Millen, another Civil War veteran.
“They have not come up with a working plan yet, but by the time we have our next meeting, I am sure more progress will be made. Until then, spread the word. Get as many new recruits as possible. All must swear to the Fenian oath, that they will not turn back and will join in the fight, once it begins.” When Jamie finishes talking, everyone cheers and the group starts to disperse. Jamie goes through the crowd, shaking hands and patting people on the back, and then he comes to where I am standing. “Come along Ronnie, and we will talk,” he says, taking my hand.
I follow him to the farmhouse, but I sense a difference in his mood. He has not taken me into his arms, or told me how much he has missed me. When we get to the farmhouse he has me sit down in the front room. He does not lead me to the bed, like he usually does, or kiss me as soon as we enter the room. “Things are getting ready for the last phase,” he says quietly. “It will be a lot more dangerous now, and I don’t want you to be a part of it. The movement is made up of young men. There is no place for a woman here. Once it is over with, I will be moving on. I won’t be a part of the cause any longer, since the cause will be won. But you have a husband to take care of you now. You need to consider that. When this is all over, we will be working with the land owners, to turn our land back over to us. You can help by convincing your husband to go along, if he is a true Irishman. That will be the part you can play in this, Ronnie. We can’t meet like this any longer. Our time together is spent.”
I stand up staring at him, not believing what he is saying. “I did not choose to marry Jason,” I tell him. “As soon as this is all over, I am going to leave him. There is no place for me in the manor. I will never be the lady he wants to make me into. It is you I love, Jamie. I never would have married him, had he not forced my hand.”
“But you are married to him, and there is nothing for it. You can’t marry two people, Ronnie. I don’t think he is going to release you from your vows,” he murmurs.
“Fake vows!” I cry. “He said it was in name only, that I could take a lover, if I wish. H
e doesn’t love me, he only wants me for his own twisted reasons. He will not stop me from being with you.”
“But I don’t want you as only a lover, Ronnie, can’t you see that? If there can be nothing more, there is no purpose in it. Besides I told you my life is too dangerous to…..”
“But when the uprising is finished, your life won’t be dangerous any more. Jason could divorce me for committing adultery. I will convince him to.”
“A divorced woman has a bad stigma put up on her. I do not want that for you. Certainly your life would be better if you remained with him. When the movement is over, no telling how much trouble we will have hanging onto what we have achieved. It won’t be the end. The English won’t allow it.”
“Will we be fighting forever, then?” I ask.
“This war has been going on and off since 1802. What do you think, Ronnie? This is no kind of life for you. In a way, it is a blessing that Jason decided to take you under his wing. He has good ties with the English, in case all fails. You should be raising a family, not fighting political wars.”
“I cannot bare any children. I was married for three years and never had a one. This is all I can do with my life, if I can’t raise a family.”
Jamie stills, and looks a little shocked and then sad, he lowers his head. “But I want children, Ronnie. If you can’t have children……” he looks sadly at me.
Tears start to stream from my eyes. “If it is too dangerous to have a wife, it would be even more dangerous to have children,” I reason. I am beginning to think Jamie is looking for any excuse to push me away. “Ferrell took me and loved me in spite of the fact that I never bore him any children. You said you couldn’t live if you thought you couldn’t make love to me again,” I remind him.
“It will be painful not to ever make love to you again, but it was wonderful while it lasted. You have to agree to that,” he says quietly, and kisses me lightly on the lips. “Dry your tears, Ronnie. We all have to be strong. I don’t want you coming to any more meetings. If I see you there, I will remove you from the room. I will expose you as a woman and the rest of the men will insist you stay away. Listen to reason, Ronnie. You have helped as much as I will allow you to. I don’t want you shot, or hung. Let the men do the fighting from here on in.”
“You just let me come so you could use me,” I breath, as I back away from him. “You just wanted to use my body to distract you in between the meetings. I trusted you. You were the man who would help me get revenge for my husband’s death.”
“I was the cause of your husband’s death,” he says quietly. “I sent your father and husband out to deliver the underground printing of the Fenian papers, so we could raise up enough people to support us. They got caught, and since the paper had been banned, they knew that your father and husband were trying to start a new rebellion. You should hate me, Ronnie, not love me. I have felt guilty this whole time for loving a man’s wife that I caused to be sent to the gallows.”
“It was not your fault they got caught. They knew what risk they were taking,” I say with a tremor in my voice. “No one made them join. They joined because they were true Irishmen, just like you.”
“Go home, Ronnie. Forget about me. Learn to love your husband. I think he wants to help you. T here is nothing I can do to help you, and you know it.” Then he turns from me and leaves the farmhouse. I go to the bedroom, fling myself on the bed, and begin to cry even harder. It is like Ferrell dying all over again and I don’t know how I am going to survive it.
Back then, Jason came to save me, but Jason can’t save me from this. He has used me just like Jamie was using me. I will not stop, I tell myself firmly. Neither Jason or Jamie can make me stop helping the movement. Even if I end up dying, it would be better than just bowing out and playing the wife of a land owner.
I stay in the farmhouse all night. I even think of leaving Jason, but something won’t let me do that. He claimed he wanted to get to know me, even before I married Ferrell. I wonder if he was telling the truth? I start to remember how he made love to me, and I am totally confused. For now I will stay, I tell myself. I know how to get out of the manor at night, and after the uprising, I will decide what to do.
The next morning I come through the back kitchen door. No reason to use the passageway, considering I did not come home all night and Jason probably knew where I was. He will think I spent the night with my lover, I think sadly. After I go upstairs and change my clothes, I come down to breakfast. Jason is already eating. “Your eyes are all puffy” he says. “Have you been crying?”
“If I have, it is none of your concern,” I say.
“You didn’t come in last night,” he murmurs.
“Did you expect me to? I have been gone all week. I missed my lover.”
“And that is why you have been crying? Out of joy of seeing him again?”
“Leave me alone, Jason. I am in no mood for it,” I say, and slam my plate down on the table and start eating.
“I have to take a short trip,” Jason says. “I hope you can entertain yourself for the next three days.”
“Certainly. What makes you think you are entertaining?” I ask.
“We used to enjoy each other’s company from time to time,” he smiles.
“I have a headache,” I say. “I think I will spend the day in bed.”
“I am sorry to hear you are not feeling well. Should I postpone my trip?”
“No. It is nothing to worry about. I would rather be alone anyway.”
“Very well. I hope you will be in a better mood when I return.” He gives me a long look, like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t.
He leaves the room, and after I finish eating, I go upstairs. I look out of my bedroom window, watching Jason riding away. He had told me my lover would tire of me, and as soon as we get home, Jamie tells me he does not want to be with me any more. He has never wanted me to be a part of the cause, but telling me he was going to throw me out of the meetings had never been a threat before, I think. Being a woman puts you at a man’s mercy, I rage angrily inside.
I walk away from the window and go into Jason’s room, just looking around. I am not even sure why I come in here. I remember that night I had accidentally come in here, and Jason had found me and taken me to my own room. Then he seemed concerned when he found me crying. Now he acts indifferent. If I told him about Jamie, he would just say I told you so, I think, as I sink down on his bed.
As I do, my foot catches on what I think is the spread, but when I lean over to disentangle my shoe, I realize it is caught on a belt that is looped through a pare of trousers, sticking a little ways out from under the bed. As I go to pull my foot free, the trousers slid out from under the bed and laying on top of them is something black. I reach down and pick it up. It is a scarf with two eye holes in it, and when I focus on the shabby trousers and white shirt, I suddenly fall to my knees, picking up the trousers and shirt, along with the mask. Jamie’s mask. So many times I had removed those clothes from Jamie’s body. Jason is Jamie! I tremble at the thought. “Learn to love your husband,” he had said to me, and I start to scream, in anger.
This whole time he has been using me as his lover, and his wife. I start to remember all the times Jamie told me to do what Jason asked of me, so he wouldn’t stop me from having a lover. I fume as I remember how Jason said I could keep my lover! He said that, because he knew my lover was him! A rage is starting to grow up inside of me. As soon as he realized I had given up the memory of Ferrell and made love to Jamie, he took it upon himself to force me to marry him. He wanted me all along, for his own diabolical reasons, as his lover and his wife. But when he realized I would never come across to him as his wife, he got rid of my lover, so I would eventually give in to him. He told me my lover would lose interest in me, and then Jamie promptly tells me to go away and stop being his lover. But if Jamie was the one who felt guilty for my husband’s death, so would Jason.
Jason took care of me after Ferrell and my father died.
He felt responsible, while wanting me. I think of the story he told me about wanting to get to know me better, before I married Ferrell. Maybe he sent my husband out on purpose, knowing he would be caught, in order to have me! He had powerful English friends that he could have informed about Ferrell and Da, in order to make sure they were caught.
After all, he told me he came back and discovered I was married, and then when I was released from my husband, he took me under his shelter. Would he go to that extreme, just to have me? He said he could not forget the girl he helped to plant potatoes. Maybe his obsession with that memory, caused him to do all of this to assure he would have me as his wife in the end.
I stand up, and hug my arms around me. But why? Jamie the true Irishman, leading the rebellion, and Jason, more English than Irish, helping the English put down the rebellion. Why was he playing both sides? Was it to spy on the Irish, or to keep the English from discovering what the Irish was doing? Now I am more determined to join the cause than before, just to discover if Jason intended to put a stop to the rebellion at the last minute, or was he really the Irishman I thought I had fallen in love with?
Now I hate them both for what Jason had done to me. He took advantage of my vulnerability, by taking care of me. He tried to make me a lady, and while he waited for me to give in to him, he took me on as his lover to weaken my resistance and help me get over Ferrell. Then when he saw I would not stop my involvement in the cause, he tried to stop me, first as Jason, and now as Jamie. For some reason, he knows that the uprising may not come off as planned, and he doesn’t want me involved, because then I will get hung for treason and it would go bad against Jason to have a wife involved with the Fenians.
I push the clothes back under the bed and go to my own room. When this is all over, I am going to leave him. I am going to tell him to his face what I think of him and his attempt to use me. He made me hate Jamie and now he has succeeded in making me completely hate him as well. My stomach is turning in knots and I rush to the chamber pot to retch in it.
Wild Irish Rose Page 13