by R S Surtees
“Did you ever see such eyes?” inquired a second.
“Handsomest creature I ever beheld! Fine undulating figure!’ observed a third.
“What a quiz the old girl is,” remarked another.
“Is she her daughter?” inquired a third of Captain Doleful, who was busy marshalling the procession.
“Lots of money I suppose!” said another.
“He looks like a rich fellow, with that queer-looking hat of his.”
“The servant girl’s not bad-looking.”
“Miss for my money,” said another, “I’m in love with her already.”
“I wish she’d stand up and let’s see her size.”
“I lay a guinea she’s a clipper.”
“There’s a hand! I’ll be bound for it she has a good foot and ancle. None of your hairy-heel’d ones.”
“He looks like a jolly old dog,” observed another. “We shall have lots of good dinners, I dare say.”
Doleful’s face wrinkled into half its usual size with delight, for he plainly saw he had made a hit; and most fortunate were those men who had cultivated his friendship through the medium of the subscription books at the libraries, for the two-guinea subscribers were immediately presented to the trio, while the guinea men were let in at intervals as the procession moved along the road. Nor should we omit to mention, for the instruction of all other M.C.’s, that thirteen new names were put down that evening, so that Doleful’s prospects were brighter than ever.
The first burst of applause having subsided, the party got settled into the order of the day, as laid down in the programme of the worthy M.C. First went the proprietary school children, eighty boys and a hundred and nine girls, three a-breast, with sundry pocket-handkerchief banners. Next came the “Fox and Floreat Scientia” flag, on double poles so as to stretch across the road; the musicians, two drummers, two horn-blowers, two fiddlers, and a fifer, were planted behind it; after which came three glazed calico flags, of various colours in stripes, followed by Whackem’s mathematical seminary, and the rabble at large. Then came another large double flag, in broad stripes of scarlet and white, with the words “Jorrocks for ever!” done in blue letters; Doleful’s own place was immediately after this, but of course during the progress to Handley Cross, he kept along-side the carriage of the distinguished strangers. The flys, gigs, ponies, donkeys, chaises, &c., followed on in a long-drawn line, just as they could jostle in, for the Captain knew the high hedges on each side of the narrow road would do more towards keeping them in order than all the injunctions and remonstrances he could lay down or use.
Mrs. Jorrocks was delighted! — Never before did she think anything either of hunting or her husband, but now the former seemed a most delightful amusement, and Jorrocks appeared a perfect hero. He too was charmed with his reception, and grinned and nudged Belinda with his elbow, and cast a sly wink over his shoulder at Betsey, as they jumbled along the road, and the compliments of the crowd came showering among them. Then he turned his eyes up to heaven as if lost in reflection and bewilderment at the honour he had arrived at. Anon he caught the point of his whip and dropped it scientifically along Arter-Xerxes’ side, then he began to whistle, when Captain Doleful having resigned the side of the carriage on which Mrs. Jorrocks was sitting to Captain Parkins, came round to say a few nothings to our worthy friend.
“Well, Miserrimus,” said Jorrocks, opening the conversation as though he had known him all his life, “you see I’m down upon you as the extinguisher said to the rushlight — always say you carn’t be too quick in catchin’ a flea.— ‘Ow’s the Nabob?”
“Middling, thank you,” again replied the Captain,— “you’re looking uncommonly well I’m sure,” said he, eyeing Mr. Jorrocks as he spoke.
“Oh me!” replied Jorrocks, “bless you I’m never bad — never cept I gets a drop too much, as will happen in the best reglated families, you know, Miserrimus.” Whereupon Mr. Jorrocks, with a knowing grin, gave Doleful a dig in the ribs with the butt-end of his whip — saying, “have you got any of that ‘cold roast’ you told me of in your letter?”
“Why no, Mr. Jorrocks, it’s all gone, but there’s plenty more in Handley Cross. It’s the best place for beef I know. — Indeed for everything.”
“You’ll be desperation fond of ‘untin’ I s’pose,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, after a slight pause, flourishing his whip over his head, and giving a knowing look at Doleful’s accoutrements.
“It’s the only thing worth living for in my mind,” replied Captain Doleful.
“By jingo! so say I,” rejoined Mr. Jorrocks; “all time’s lost that’s not spent in ‘untin’. — Give us your hand, Miserrimus, my bouy, for you must be a trump — a man after my own ‘eart!” and thereupon Jorrocks gave him such a shaking as nearly sent him off his horse.
“That’ll be your kiver ‘ack I presume,” observed Mr. Jorrocks after their hands were released, as he cast an eye at the white. “He goes hup and down like a yard and a ‘alf of pump water.”
Doleful did not know whether this was meant as a compliment or otherwise, so he “grinned horridly a ghastly smile,” and asked Mr. Jorrocks if he was fond of music. “Music!” said Mr. Jorrocks, “yes, the music of the ‘ounds — none o’ your tamboureenin’ work. Give me the real ough, ough, ough, of a fine deep-toned ‘ound in the depths of a rocky dell, as he drags up to old Reynard among the brush-wood,” and as he spoke, Mr. Jorrocks snuffed the air and threw his head about as though he were feeling for a scent himself,— “What sort of fencin’ have you?”
“Fencing!” repeated Captain Doleful thoughtfully— “fencing, why we’ve had none, I think, since the theatre closed.”
“Humph!” mused Mr. Jorrocks, “that’s queer — never knew a play-actor in my life with the slightest turn for ‘untin’.”
The foremost in the procession having now reached the outskirts of the town, a halt was made to allow the pedestrians to knock the dust off their shoes, and get their voices ready for shouting. Doleful rode along the line exhorting them to order and regularity, and directing the streets through which the procession should pass, taking particular care to keep wide of the Barningtons. A considerable accession was here made to their strength by numerous groups of ladies and gentlemen, who, attracted by the fineness of the day, and a little natural curiosity, had wandered out to see what sort of an animal a Cockney master of hounds was. Miss Prim and Miss Prosey’s seminaries too turned out in their pink and blue ginghams, and came up just at the period of the halt, — all the grooms and helpers of the town who could not get to the station now flocked to swell the throng. The hubbub and confusion was excessive, and they pushed and elbowed, and fought to get near the carriage to have a close view of Mr. Jorrocks. “My eyes but he’s a fat un!” exclaimed Mr. Brisket, the butcher, to his foreman, “it would be a downright credit to a butcher to supply such a gent.: can’t be less nor three inches o’ fat on his rib;” whereupon he thrust a card into Mr. Jorrocks’s hand, containing his name, trade, and place of abode. This was a signal for the rest, and immediately a shoal of cards were tendered from persons of all callings and professions. Lucy Sandey would mangle, wash, and clear-starch; then Hannah Pye kept the best potatoes and green-groceries in general; Tom Hardy supplied milk at all hours; George Dodd let donkeys by the day or hour; Samuel Mason offered the card of the Bramber livery stables, where there was a lock-up coach-house; Susan Muddle hoped the ladies would drink with her at the Spa at a shilling a week, and glass found. Then there was a wine-merchant’s card, followed by lodging-house keepers’ without end, and a chimney-sweep’s.
All in advance being now ready, Captain Doleful came grinning and capering through the crowd, and announced to the ladies that they were about to enter the town, and informed Mr. Jorrocks that they would first of all proceed to the Dragon Hotel, from the balcony of which it would have a good effect if he would address the meeting. Without waiting for Mr. Jorrocks’s assurance that he “didn’t know what to say,” he placed himself in
advance of Benjamin, and raised his hunting-whip as a signal to the musicians, who immediately struck up “See the conquering hero comes,” and the cavalcade proceeded. The boom of the drums, the twang of the horns, and the shouts of the children, brought every human being to the doors, windows, and verandahs, and there was such running, and rushing, and fighting to see the conquering hero, and such laughing among the servant-maids at the ample dimensions of his shoulders, with as many observations upon his retinue, as would fill a chapter of themselves.
After passing the long line of villas that stud the road in the Mount Sion direction, the cavalcade turned into Arthur Street, where the noise and bustle increased tenfold. Shop-lads, no longer to be restrained, rushed out in defiance of their masters’ holloas, some hastily putting up the shutters, others leaving the shops to take care of themselves. Bazaars, fancy shops, jewellers’, &c. were drawn of both buyers and sellers; and as the “Floreat Scientia” banner rounded the turn into High Street, an advancing mob from the other end of the town charged with such vigour as sent both poles through Stevenson the hatter’s window, damaging a dozen pasteboard boxes, being the principal part of his stock-in-trade. Nothing was heard above the clamour but the boom of the drums, and the occasional twang of a horn, white Captain Doleful’s red coat, and his horse’s bowing white head, seemed borne upon the shoulders of the multitude. Thus they proceeded in stately array down High Street, and neared the Dragon Hotel.
At length they got the carriage up to the arched door, and the party alighted amid a tremendous burst of applause. Captain Doleful having tendered his arm to Mrs. Jorrocks, Belinda took her uncle’s, and no sooner did Betsey get out of the back seat of the carriage than a whole host of little dirty boys scrambled in to obtain a better view, making desperate havoc among the Dundee marmalade, and Copenhagen cherry-brandy, to the infinite indignation of Benjamin, who roared lustily from the leader that he would “oss-vip ’em” all round.
CHAPTER XI. THE ORATIONS.
SNUBBINS, THE LANDLORD, having ushered his distinguished guests into the balconied apartment of the first-floor front, Captain Doleful took a hasty review of his person at the looking-glass, placing his straggling hairs in the most conspicuous manner over his forehead, and, loosening his oil-skin-covered hat from his scarlet coat, he advanced with out-squared toes and elbows to present himself to the notice of the meeting.
His appearance in the balcony was the signal for a universal roar, amid which, the drums and wind instruments did their duty. After bowing and grimacing most condescendingly to the meeting below, silence was at length obtained, and he proceeded to address them as follows: —
“Ladies and gentlemen, — ladies and gentlemen,” he repeated, laying the emphasis on the word ladies, and grinning like an elderly ape on all around, “encouraged by your smiles, by your applause, for, without you, as the poet Campbell beautifully inquires, ‘What is man? — a world without a sun,’ I present myself to your notice to perform an act that I verily and conscientiously believe will prove most conducive to the interest, the happiness, and general welfare of this thriving and important town.” Here the Captain placed his forefinger on his lip, and, according to previous arrangement with the drummers, they rumbled with their drums, and the children gave some loud huzzas, in conjunction with such of the mob as were troubled with a turn for shouting. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he resumed, “I stand not here for the gratification of the paltry personal vanity of addressing this distinguished assembly, but I present myself to your notice, in discharge of the high, the onerous, the honourable and all-important office of Master of the Ceremonies of this renowned Spa, to introduce to your notice the most distinguished, the most determined, the most popular, and the most scientific sportsman England, or any other country, ever saw (loud cheers). Need I say, gentlemen, that this illustrious individual is the great and renowned Mr. Jorrocks — a name familiar to our ears as Mr. Dickens’s household words — so familiar that it is even chalked on the walls of our town; and it is indeed a high — a flattering circumstance to my mind, that I — even I — the humble individual who now stands before you, should have been the means of procuring for a town that I love so ardently, a man of such unequalled excellence and such distinguished worth.”
Here Doleful being rather blown, put his finger to his lip again, upon which the drums rumbled, the horns twanged, and a round of applause was brewed up. He resumed,— “Gentlemen, the temporary cloud that obscured the brightness of our delightful town has passed away! another and a brighter sun has risen, beneath whose fostering rays, prosperity — bright, unequalled prosperity — shall renovate our homes, and draw forth blessings from your grateful hearts (cheers). This, gentlemen, is a thought that repays me for a world of trouble, and believe me that in all the changes and chances of this eventful life, amid all the frowns of life’s vicissitudes, the bright recollection of this hour will furnish consolation that a thousand woes will not outweigh (great applause). Let me not, however, ladies and gentlemen, dwell too long on the part I have happily, but unworthily played in this transaction. Let me not stand between that bright constellation of sporting knowledge and the indulgence of your laudable curiosity. Rather let me withdraw, with a bosom o’erflowing with heart-felt gratitude for the honours your kindness has heaped upon me, and introduce to your notice our great and illustrious stranger.” Here Doleful squared out his elbows and bowed most humbly and condescendingly, first to the front, then to the east and west, and, courtier-like, backed from the balcony into the room, amid loud and long-continued cheers.
While he was delivering himself of all this eloquence, Mrs. Jorrocks was busy inside the room preparing her husband for presentation to the meeting. Having made him take off his versatio coat, she brushed his blue under one over, rubbed the velvet collar right, put his wig straight, and wiped the dust off his Hessian boots with a corner of the table-cover. Doleful came backing in, and nearly upset Jorrocks as he was standing on one leg by the table, undergoing the latter operation. “Now, it’s your turn, Mr. Jorrocks,” observed the Captain, on the former recovering his equilibrium, and thereupon they joined hands and advanced into the balcony, like the Siamese twins, amid the uproarious applause of the meeting.
“‘Ow are ye all?” said Mr. Jorrocks with the greatest familiarity, nodding round to the meeting, and kissing his hand. “‘Opes you are well. Now my friend, Miserrimus, having spun you a yarn about who I am, and all that sort of thing, I’ll not run his foil, but get upon fresh ground, and say a few words about how matters are to be managed.
“You see I’ve come down to ‘unt your country, to be master of your ‘ounds, in fact, — and first of all I’ll explain to you what I means by the word master. Some people call a man a master of ‘ounds wot sticks an ‘orn in his saddle, and blows when he likes, but leaves every thing else to the ‘untsman. That’s not the sort of master of ‘ounds I mean to be. Others call a man a master of ‘ounds wot puts in the paper Mr. So-and-so’s ‘ounds meet on Monday, at the Loin o’ Lamb; on Wednesday, at the Brisket o’ Weal; and on Saturday, at the Frying-pan; and after that, jest goes out or not, as suits his conwenience — but that’s not the sort of master of ‘ounds I means to be. Again, some call themselves masters of ‘ounds, when they pay the difference at wixt the subscription and the cost, leaving the management of matters, the receipt of money, payment of damage, and all them sort of partiklars, to the secretary. But that’s not the sort of master o’ ounds I means to be. Still, I means to ride with an ‘orn in my saddle. Yonder it is, see,” said he, pointing to the package behind the carriage, “a regler Percival, silver mouth-piece, deep cup’d — and I means to adwertise the ‘ounds in the paper, and not go sneakin’ about like some of them beggarly Cockney ‘unts, wot look more as if they were goin’ to rob a hen-roost than ‘unt a fox, but havin’ fixed the meets, I shall attend them most punctual and regler, and take off my cap to all payin’ subscribers as they come up (cheers). This, I thinks, will be the best way of doin’ business, for ther
e are some men wot don’t care a copper for owin’ the master money, so long as the matter rests at wixt themselves, and yet who would not like to see me sittin’ among my ‘ounds with my cap slouched over my eyes, takin’ no more notice of them than if they were as many pigs, as much as to say to all the gemmen round, ‘these are the nasty, dirty, seedy screws wot don’t pay their subscriptions.’
“In short, I means to be an M.F.H. in reality, and not in name. When I sees young chaps careering o’er the country without lookin’ at the ‘ounds, and in all humane probability not knowin’ or carin’ a copper where they are, and I cries, ‘‘old ‘ard!’ I shall expect to see them pull up, and not wait till the next fence fatches them too.”
Here Mr. Jorrocks made a considerable pause, whereupon the cheering and drumming was renewed, and as it died away, he went on as follows: —
“Of all sitivations under the sun, none is more enviable or more ‘onerable than that of a master of fox ‘ounds! Talk of a M.P.! vot’s an M.P. compared to an M.F.H.? Your M.P. lives in a tainted hatmosphere among other M.P.’s and loses his consequence by the commonness of the office, and the scoldings he gets from those who sent him there, but an M.F.H. holds his levee in the stable, his levee in the kennel, and his levee in the ‘untin’ field — is great and important every where — has no one to compete with him, no one to find fault, but all join in doing honour to him to whom honour is so greatly due (cheers). And oh, John Jorrocks! my good frind,” continued the worthy grocer, fumbling the silver in his small clothes with upturned eyes to heaven, “to think that you, after all the hups and downs of life — the crossin’s and jostlin’s of merchandise and ungovernable trade — the sortin’ of sugars — the mexin’ of teas — the postin’ of ledgers, and handlin’ of inwoices, to think that you, my dear feller, should have arrived at this distinguished post, is most miraculously wonderful, most singularly queer. Gentlemen, this is the proudest moment of my life! (cheers). I’ve now reached the toprail in the ladder of my hambition! (renewed cheers). Binjimin!” he holloaed out to the boy below, “Binjimin! I say, give an eye to them ere harticles behind the chay — the children are all among the Copenhagen brandy and Dundee marmeylad! Vy don’t you vollop them? Vere’s the use of furnishing you with a whip, I wonder?”