by R S Surtees
The cloth being drawn, and grace said, the chairman prosed through the usual loyal and patriotic toasts, and then paused for the grand left-off of the evening. Having duly received the gold watch with the glittering Watherston and Brogden chain at the hands of Mr. De Pledge, and examined it carefully inside and out, he coiled the chain becomingly round the watch on the table, and clearing his voice with a substantial “hem,” stood well erect, with his right hand extended and his left reposing in his emerald green velvet vest, to pour the vial of his eloquence upon our curly-pated Pigg.
“Mr. Pigg!” said he, in a sonorous voice, amidst general applause; “Mr. James Pigg,” repeated he, correcting himself, for he liked to do everything by the card.
“Aye,” interrupted James, chuckling and laughing, “that’s just what they carl me i’ the smarl debts court.”
“Mr. James Pigg,” continued Mr. Cackler, amidst laughter from the interruption. “The pleasing — the extraordinarily pleasing and interesting — I may say exciting task of presenting you with this glittering memorial of our appreciation and approval,” taking up the watch and showing the sparkling chain full length as he spoke, “has been entrusted — unworthily entrusted I fear (applause, with cries of ‘No, no’) to the ‘umble individual who now stands before you; but Mr. Pigg — that is to say, Mr. James Pigg — let not the inefficiency of the spokesman be to you a measure whereby to judge of the estimation in which you are held in this great county — a county second to none in the kingdom, whether we regard its agricultural properties, or the wealth and respectability of its inhabitants. (Applause from the country section of the party.) No, Mr. Pigg, let the merits — demerits rather of the spokesman be no more to you a measure whereby to judge of the estimation in which you are held than is this trifling present,” again flourishing the testimonial, “richly jewelled though it be (applause), a criterion of the value the country sets upon your services. (Renewed applause.) Never was a call more heartily responded to than the suggestion that we should mark the approbation in which you are held by all ranks and conditions of her Majesty’s subjects. (Great cheering.) Your courtesy, your urbanity, your true gentlemanly ease and polished politeness, are the universal theme of approval on every tongue.”
“Sink! noo thous mackin’ gam on me!” roared Pigg, striking furiously on the deal table with his doubled fist.
“Hush, James! hush!” exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, kicking him under the table, fearing he would pitch into the chairman.
“Permit me to say, Sir,” continued the chairman, looking rather foolish at his butter not being swallowed, “Permit me to say, Sir, that your private worth is equalled only by your public prowess. As a huntsman, you are unrivalled! (Great applause.) For charging a bullfinch or negotiating a brook, I am told there is not your equal in her Majesty’s wide dominions. (Renewed applause, with a ‘Keep the tambourine a roulin’!’ and clapping of hands from Pigg.) But these considerations,” continued the chairman, shirking the ground on which he was weak as soon as possible; “but these considerations sink into insignificance compared to the excellent moral example you good and orderly conduct has set to all ranks an conditions of people in this rising and important town. (Applause, mingled with laughter, from Pigg’s more intimate friends.) You have indeed shown that the highest sporting enterprise is not incompatible with the gentlest and most exemplary private virtues.” (Renewed laughter and applause.)
“On behalf then of the subscribers,” continued Mr. Cackler, again taking up the testimonial, “permit me to beg your acceptance of this gold watch and appendage.” Mr. Cackler proceeding to invest Pigg with them as he spoke, much in the manner of a mayor investing his successor with the badge and chain of office. Having placed the watch in the left-hand pocket and arranged the chain becomingly ove the white waistcoat, he rubbed his delicate hands together, and thus resumed: —
“Long sir, long may you be spared to enliven the woods and dales of this country with your melodious spirit-stirring voice, and should kind Providence decree, which I, which we all, most fervently pray may be the case — should, I say, kind Providence decree that you be again restored to those ancestral honours of which you have been so cruelly, so unjustly deprived, then amid the wild solitudes of your mountain grandeur may the mild notes of that repeater recall the warm hearts that beat responsive in Handley Cross.”
Mr. Cackler bowed low to Pigg and the party, and resumed his seat amidst loud and long continued applause. As it gradually died out, all eyes became turned upon James, who kept winking and nodding in his seat as if going to sleep. At length the cry of “Pigg! now Pigg! James Pigg!” became so general that our master was obliged to kick him under the table, backing the application of his foot with an authortative, “now then!” which caused Pigg to start and stare wildly about.
“It’s the speech,” now whispered Taws, who had slunk along at the back of the guests, in his ear. “The speech, returning thanks, you know.”
“Aye, aye,” replied James, preparing to rise, which at length he did with some difficulty, and stood with his honours around him, receiving the plaudits of the company. As they in turn subsided, he was observed to sway to and fro, so much so that it was even betting whether he fell backwards or forwards.
“Sink!” exclaimed he, sawing the air with his right hand, and then clapping the two violently together, “Sink, but James Pigg’s a brick!” whereupon he went back over like a ladder.
Great then was the confusion. All rushed to the aid of the fallen chieftain. One sluiced him with water, another took off his Joinville, a third opened his vest, a fourth suggested he’d be better for some brandy, while Mr. Jorrocks hinted that perhaps he’d had enough.
In the midst of the confusion, the anxious Mr. De Pledge alone looked after the testimonial, and under pretence of taking care of it, proceeded to strip off the Watherston and Brogden chain, with its substantial appurtenance.
Mr. Jorrocks, who had eyed the watch as it lay on the table, with the look of an old acquaintance, now begged leave to examine it, and finding the name and number as he expected— “Green, Ward, and Green, No. 1157,” he coolly claimed it, — his fair friend of the frying pan having pawned it at De Pledge’s a few days after the Pinch-me-near forest day. So whatever happened to others, Mr. Jorrocks at least came in for his own.
Pigg was then conveyed home in a fly, and the refined Puppy Cackler disgusted at having been called upon to do honour to such a tiger — left too, whereupon Duncan Nevin was called to the chair, and with a somewhat what shortened table the conviviality of the meeting was prolonged to the little hours of the morning. As Taws and he at length steered their way home in a very blind leading the blind sort of way, the glimmering lights in the “Pry” printing office reminded them that the paper then printing off would contain an account of things as they ought to have been and not as they were. However it was too late to alter it even if they had been in a fit state to do it. So the absentees were treated to a very different version of what happened, to that which we have given. After expatiating on the excellence of the entertainment — an excellence peculiar to Owen Sherry and the Salmon Hotel, it proceeded to give the opening speeches much as we have given them, and concluded with the following, which Mr. Pigg was stated to have delivered with much feeling and marked emphasis as soon as the cheering caused by his rising subsided.
Pigg loquitur. “Mr. Chairman and gentlemen, I rise under feelings of no ordinary difficulty to return you my most heartfelt and grateful thanks, as well for the superb and valuable testimonial you have been pleased to present me with, as for the flattering terms and cordial enthusiasm with which the presentation has been accompanied and received. (Applause.) Gentlemen, splendid as this testimonial is (producing it as he spoke) its real and intrinsic value to my feelings is the assurance it conveys that the exertions I have made in the furtherance of your sport and in promoting the prosperity of this Queen of watering places have not been in vain. (Great applause.) But gentlemen, I do not arrogate to m
yself the whole of the success that has attended these exertions. I have the honour and good fortune to serve under a gentleman whose name is closely associated with everything that is great, liberal, and patriotic. (Immense applause.) It is only for me to suggest anything either in the way of hounds, horses, or hunting, and it is sure to be responded to by my most excellent and liberal master. (Renewed applause.) Gentlemen, I could expatiate without fear of wearying either you or myself on the merits of our most popular master, were it not that his fame is universal, and his humility equal only to his fame. (Immense applause.) Long, I say, may the town of Handley Cross profit by the presence of such a sportsman! (Renewed cheers.) For myself I may truly say I look upon it as the happiest incident of a somewhat chequered life, (applause) that my lot has been cast in such waters. (Renewed applause.) And now gentlemen,” continued Mr. Pigg, dashing a tear from his manly eye, “again let me thank you for this memorial of your friendship and esteem, infinitely more valuable from that feeling than in money’s worth, great as that undoubtedly is, (loud cheering), a memorial that I will hand down as an heirloom in the Pigg family to the latest generation.”
The report stated that Mr. Pigg resumed his seat amid loud and long continued applause, far different to falling back over like a ladder, as he did. But we dare say the report was not a bit more exaggerated than the generality of the reports of these daily increasing outbursts of spontaneous coercion.
CHAPTER LVI. SUPERINTENDENT CONSTABLES SHARK AND CHIZELER.
NEXT DAY AS our Master was labouring away at his great work, the “Life of Johnny Gilpin,” Betsey came to say that the Pollis wanted to see him.
“Pollis!” exclaimed Jorrocks, dropping his pen with evident alarm; “Pollis! wot can the Pollis want wi’ me?” thinking he had come to take him up for stealing the watch. And in an instant our Master saw the whole paraphernalia of the law, from the inquisitiveness of the Justice to the disagreeable familiarity of Jack Ketch paraded before his eyes.
“Shall I send him in, then?” asked Betsey, surprised at her master’s perturbation.
“In then!” ejaculated Jorrocks. “In then!” repeated he, staring out his eye-balls. “Yes — no — yes — that’s to say, prisently;” thinking if he was rid of Betsey he’d bolt the back way.
The gentleman, however, who had followed close upon Betsey’s heels, here made his appearance, and Mr. Jorrocks found himself confronted with the man of law. He was a hairy, seedy, well set-up, military-looking man, dressed in a shabby hook-and-eyed braided blue frock coat, which concealed as well the deficiency of linen as of waistcoat. His trousers were very broad, badly washed cords, strapped under a pair of boisterous badly-soled boots. Altogether, he was a sort of cross between a serjeant and a circus-master. He was a draft from the rural police in an adjoining county, where his dissolute habits had procured him a hint that his “resignation would be accepted,” an arrangement that enabled the chief Constable to give him high testimonials for his present situation, to obtain which, of course, he represented to the innocent Justices he had resigned his former appointment. He was now Superintendent Constable, and he who couldn’t control himself, was placed in authority over others.
He had a capital berth of it, having no one to look after him, and took his salary as a sort of retaining fee, looking upon “incidentals,” as he elegantly called his extortions, as the real emoluments of his office.
He was a sharp fellow, too, and could twist and trim facts so as to inveigle people into prosecutions who would never have instituted them if left to themselves. In these cases, he had his fling at Sessions or Assizes, where, with always fresh victims to work upon, he preyed upon their generosity with considerable advantage, besides having his “reglers” from the reprobate lawyer with whom he confederated. If he could not manage a commitment, then he would have a little snug bill of costs drawn out so as to exhibit great activity, though his researches were generally directed to parts of the country where he wanted to visit rather than to where he was likely to catch the offender. His horse — like most of those worthies’ horses — was a Phantom one, for he rarely had one, never if he could turn a penny by selling it.
His activity was unbounded. He would drink in any company, no matter how low, for the purpose, as he said, of worming out secrets, though the quantity of drink he took generally made the information of very little value on the morrow. No offence was too trifling for his vigilant eye. Indeed, he showed his activity chiefly in trifles, and in drawing out bombastic reports of his wonderful exploits. Omar Pacha himself, at the head of a victorious army, was not half such a hero as Superintendent Shark marching triumphantly along with a few shivering stick or turnip-stealers, whose fluttering rags scarcely concealed their poverty-stricken nakedness. But we will let his interview with Mr. Jorrocks speak for his general performances. We will suppose him entering the sanctum.
Having advanced right into the middle of the room, he drew himself bolt upright, and putting himself in the first position, gave our Master a full military swing of a salute. This rather comforted our friend, who expected a different sort of commencement.
“Your servant, Sir,” said the Superintendent, dropping his arm straight down his side with a sound.
“Yours,” bowed our Master, still full stare.
“I have made free, Sir, to call, Sir,” said the Superintendent, elevating his voice to witness-box pitch; “I have made free, Sir, to call, Sir, respecting the very daring and outrageous robbery that was committed upon your person on the—”
“What robbery?” interrupted Mr. Jorrocks, still thinking there was some mistake, and that the Superintendent would be collaring him after all.
“The robbery of the watch, Sir; the gold watch and seals, Sir; ‘J. J., St. Botolph’s Lane’ on a red cornelian seal; ‘J. J., Great Coram Street,’ on a white cornelian seal, with a gold fox-head key and ring;” referring to a large clasped volume, like a regimental orderly book, as he spoke.
“Oh, ah,” replied Mr. Jorrocks, dry-shaving his chin. “I did lose my ticker,” thinking perhaps the less stir he made about it the better; especially now that he had got it safe in his fob.
“From information, Sir, that I received, Sir,” continued the Superintendent, “I had reason to suppose that the parties who robbed you of your very valuable property, Sir, were part of a most daring gang of burglars and smashers, who have taken up their quarters at East Poppington, on the borders of the country, Sir, and immediately I heard of the robbery, Sir, which was not until the Monday afternoon, Sir, at two o’clock, Sir; yes, at two o’clock, Sir, I immediately proceeded to Superintendent Chizeler’s, for it is not in my district, and consulted with him as to the expediency of applying to Augustus Frederick Emanuel Smith, Esq., of East Rosemary Hall, the nearest magistrate, for a warrant, Sir — yes, Sir, for a warrant, Sir — but, Sir, Superintendent Constable Chizeler, Sir, who is an officer, Sir, of great ability and experience, Sir, thought the case was hardly sufficiently ripe, Sir, for a warrant, Sir, and recommended that we should pursue our enquiries and investigations conjointly together a little longer, Sir, which we did, Sir, and I—”
“Then you didn’t grab ’em?” interrupted Mr. Jorrocks, thinking how well they had run a false scent.
“No, Sir; that is to say, not yet, Sir; but from information I am now in possession of, Sir, I have little doubt, Sir, that the parties may be got, should you direct us to follow them up, which, of course, Sir, for the sake of example a gentleman in your position will do.”
“Humph!” grunted Mr. Jorrocks, thinking they had better leave them alone.
“Only,” continued the Superintendent, drawing up to his point; “as the investigation has lasted a considerable time, and been attended with some little expense, I considered it my duty to consult you before incurring any further cost.”
“Humph!” grunted Mr. Jorrocks again, beginning to see through the object of the mission.
“The charges,” continued the Superintendent, producing a bill from the
important-looking book, opening and laying it before our Master, “are merely the usual charges for money out of pocket, money absolutely expended in the necessary prosecution of the enquiries.”
“Humph!” grunted Mr. Jorrocks, preparing to peruse it.
It was a large, lawyer-like bill, a delicacy with which most of our readers, we dare say, are familiar. Thus it ran: —
“Account of Expenses boney fidey incurred by Jonathan Shark, Superintending Constable for the Hundred of Hungerlaw, in prosecuting an enquiry into a most daring and aggrivated robbery committed on the person of John Jorrocks, Esquire, Master of the Handley Cross Foxhounds: —
Superintendent Shark proceeding from Nutfield to Gilderdale to advise with Superintendent Chizeler respecting the above daring robbery, and as to the characters of certain parties residing in his district, and as to the propriety of apprehending a certain party on suspicion of being the culprit, having to remain at the Dun Cow at Gilderdale all night.
0 10 6
Personal expenses to East Poppington along with Superintendent Chizeler, to make further inquiries, one night and day, 7s. 6d.; gig hire, including ostler and horse’s keep, 11s. 6d.
0 19 0
Having received information that the suspected party had gone to Merryweather fair, proceeding there by gig and horse with Superintendent Chizeler, gig hire and horse’s keep, 12s.; personal expenses, Superintendents Shark and Chizeler, 12s.
1 4 0
Expenses incurred by Superintendent Shark going to Blatherfield to see Mr. Jaw in the case
0 4 0
Mr. Jaw not being able to attend to it, Superintendent Chizeler proceeding to Hurlington to see Mr. Law