FRAGMENTED

by C. Luca

  I hang up the phone and settle back into my office chair, feeling pleased by the donation the organization had just received.

  When I’d begun the organization to help prostitutes get back on their feet, not just financially but emotionally as well, I’d never expected it to become what it is today.

  So many women have come through these doors, asking for help and just a little respect. Most have become success stories, and some of them continue to remain employed by me, thanks to the cleaning service I own.

  I’d wanted to build a company that revolved around the women, and if they have them, their families as well. The hours are flexible, but the standards of the job are high. Our services have gained a reputation as efficient and impeccable. We have nearly more accounts, both business and residential, than we can handle. I’m working on building more positions to cover the workload.

  When I’d become a legal citizen, Nathan and the others had insisted I pursue something that would make me happy. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I wanted to help other women that felt they had no other option than to sell themselves.

  I want them to have options, to know that they deserve respect and a right to a different life—that our pasts don’t define us.

  My eyes fall on the framed photos on my desk. There’s a photo of Nathan and me from our wedding. One of Knight and me in front of his prized motorcycle. And another of Oliver and me at the beach. Corbin has no interest in me, his only focus really is business, and I’m perfectly fine with that.

  Nathan’s uncle had accepted me much more easily than expected, and his relationship with Nathan has bloomed. In fact, Nathan’s uncle has also helped draw in donations for the organization, and he was the one who’d suggested I buy this building back when it was for sale. It isn’t big, but it’s just perfect to house the business and the headquarters for the organization. It’s located in downtown LA, but now that I have a driver’s license, I enjoy the commute and being able to come and go as I please.

  As for Nathan’s Dissociative Identity Disorder, things have progressed but in a positive way. Because of his refusal to open himself up to strangers, I’ve done my best to research the topic and to try to understand everything that he’s going through. To some extent, integration is inevitable, we both know that. He’s beginning to heal one little piece at a time, and I think my love for him and all that he is, including his alters, has played a large role in it.

  Brick hasn’t made an appearance in over three years, because Nathan and the alters no longer need him. Instead of violence taking root when Nathan’s feeling angry and needs an outlet, Knight comes out and takes over to relieve the emotions that Nathan struggles with. Corbin still appears when it comes to company meetings and anything business related that Nathan refuses to deal with. After four years, Corbin and I are still one hundred percent platonic, but yet I have a soft spot for him. Nathan is correct, Corbin is all work and no play, and we’re all fine with that.

  Through the years, Oliver has become more of an issue—but not a bad one. He appears more than he used to, and I think a lot of that is due to the fact that even though Nathan has found a way to live with all his alters and has found happiness with me, he still needs that break from all that intense emotion he carries around within himself. I’ve come to the realization that Nathan may always have difficulty processing the emotions and feelings that Oliver and Knight handle. The childhood trauma made him who he is today, and I won’t ever ask him to change. The alters are very much a part of him, and I am embracing all that he is and all that they are. That also includes embracing Oliver and all that he is—including the teenage hormones that run rampant inside him.

  Yes, Oliver is technically a grown man, but mentally, he’s aged to about nineteen. I’m still confused on the slow growth of Oliver, but I don’t feel that it’s necessary to have to figure out the why’s and how’s. I choose to deal with the present, and no matter how much research I put into the parts of DID that confuse me, the fact is, every DID case is different. I will never fully understand Nathan and all the alters, but I do have complete control over how I interact and embrace their individuality.

  My relationship with Oliver has come full circle, to some extent. It was difficult at first because of knowing his age, but he feels with everything that he is, and his attraction to me is that of a young man who has a growing adult mind. I was careful to take things slow with him, which brought on a lot of frustration on his end. Thankfully, the end result was worth it. We have a very playful but heartfelt relationship with the kind of intimacy that is meaningful and tender.

  Knight...he’s still one hundred percent raw sexuality. Our relationship is bold and sexual, but there’s a connection that can’t be ignored. He may not speak words of love, but I can tell the depth of his feelings for me by his actions.

  I love Nathan, Knight, Oliver, and Corbin. They are my world. Anyone on the outside looking in may not understand how that can be, but explaining myself to others is something that I don’t concern myself with. Our relationships, they’re ours. We don’t owe explanations; we don’t have to be able to explain how it works. It just does.

  As for full integration, I’m aware that someday that might very well happen. There might come a day that Nathan is prepared to accept the past and is willing to work through it. If that happens, Knight, Oliver, and Corbin may no longer be needed. There’s always the possibility, but I can’t live my life with that fear. If it happens, I will mourn the loss of my relationships with them, but Nathan is the one who has the biggest piece of my heart. As long as he’s in my life, and he loves me, we can work through anything. No matter what life throws at us, we can conquer it as long as we are together.

  There is no denying Nathan is a complicated man, but he’s all mine, and I adore every part of him. I don’t care what society implies, we are all individuals with souls that yearn for many things—some less acceptable to others, but that’s our choice, it’s who we are. Acceptance is one of the easiest things a person can give if they just open their heart and mind to the fact that we all belong here. Our differences, they make us who we are, and our individuality should be embraced.

  I am proud of who I am, and I’ve come full circle—finally. My mother brought me here to the United States with the hope of giving me my happy ending, and I found it. It isn’t conventional, it isn’t easy, but I can’t imagine my life any other way.

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