by Emjay Soren
“I was so in love, I still am. I don’t know if the world is trying to teach me a lesson. I think of the time I wasted with you knowing Noah would give his own life for thirty seconds with Candey. I think of Axe and the only family I see fit to give him is you and me baby. I know this is killing you; it kills me to know that I can’t be all yours like I had planned. I had a plan, you were coming before everything in my life and the guys were backing me. If it meant less venues or a break in the next album so Noah had time to really make the choice. I was willing to walk away from everything for you, then my mom called, and my life will never be the same again.”
I stop talking before I wake her because the way I am exposed right now I will beg for one more chance. I rest my head beside hers and vow to never give up on us.
Tayla
I don’t dare move because I don’t want to break this moment. He thinks I am asleep right now unaware that I am laying here hanging on every word. He isn’t talking anymore, and I am overwhelmed with the need to do something to show him I need him. I nuzzle back into him, pressing my ass against his cock and I feel him harden at the way I press against him.
I feel him shift against me and press against me. I press back, and I feel him shift and roll me to my back and then he is above me, his lips on mine in a soft sweet kiss. His eyes are on mine and I can barely see him, but I see enough with the help of the moonlight. He cups my cheek in his hand and places soft kisses on my lips.
“I love you Tayla.” He says, and my stomach drops and flips and my entire body shudders with chills. I have waited my entire life for him to say this to me, even before I knew he was who I wanted and needed.
“Cal.” I choke on the sob I can’t hold back.
“So much.” He says and kisses me, stealing my response. I thrusts against me and though we are fully clothed I feel the heat of him against my wet panties. He places his thumbs beneath the band of my panties and slowly kisses down my neck and chest, pushing my t-shirt up so he can taste my skin.
I feel his mouth and breath against my bare pussy as he pulls my panties down. He opens my pussy and licks me, and I arch against his mouth, my fingers scratching along his head desperate for anything to ground me.
“I love everything about you Tayla. The way you breathe and laugh and taste.” He licks me again and groans, slipping two fingers inside of me. “I have never loved as intense as I do you. I can’t go another second without you knowing that I love you.”
He says this against my pussy, his fingers curling inside of me making me crazy with need. I am beyond words, having lost all thought in the shock of his confession but also in the desire he is building in me.
“Make love to me.” I say as I pull at his arms to get him close to me. His mouth is on mine, I taste myself on his tongue, but I don’t care.
“I need to get a condom.” He says and tries to get free of me, but I don’t let him go.
“No Cal flesh to flesh.”
He doesn’t waste a second at my request and I feel him nudge my legs far apart as he lines up against me and thrusts inside. I cry out in passion I never thought he would give me. I have fucked him so many times, but only once have we made love and he denied me when it mattered. I see his face as he holds still inside of me like he is taking in the feel of me, and I can see he is as desperate for this as I am.
His mouth falls to mine again and I am overwhelmed by the sensation of it all. Every time he breaks the kiss he tugs at my hair like he needs closer. “Fuck I love you Tay."
“Show me.” I whisper and draw my legs up, so he can get deeper. He pushes into me, moaning at every thrust and his mouth is on mine, tasting every inch of my mouth and trailing his lips and tongue along my neck.
His hands cup at my breasts and his mouth is on my nipples tugging and biting with gentleness I never knew he had. He was slow with purpose. Every thrust was calculated and drawn out; he touched me with a delicate intention and whispers of promise that I was his forever.
“I love you too.” I say and even though I know that he has known that for some time now, saying it to him in this moment was overwhelming and tears fill my eyes.
“Shhh babe.” He says and kisses my tears as they slip down my cheeks. “It took me forever to get here and I lost you in it. Feel me baby, feel me in you loving you. I am here, and I love you so fucking much.”
I came right then. I don’t know if it was him telling me everything I ever wanted to hear or if it was the passion, but I felt myself tighten on him and my body went weak.
“Oh, fuck yeah Tayla. Are you coming for me babe?” He asked and the pressed harder and faster, excited to know he took me there.
“Yes, you too Cal. Come for me.” I say and feel him lock his hips and explode inside of me.
“Flesh to flesh baby.” He groans, and I am reminded that he is coming inside of me for the first time with intent to mark me as his. This isn’t a mistake this time, he owns me now heart and soul.
And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours,
I was so yours for the taking.
Chapter Thirteen
Cal
I wake up before Tayla because I am too excited for sleep. We exhausted our bodies last night and our hearts, bore our souls and never in my life did I feel as free or accomplished, as I did making coffee in her tiny cabin this morning. I don’t know what to expect from here on out other than the fact we are a united front and together, everything else will work itself out.
I grab my phone and hope I have service, with one little bar I send a mass text to the guys. CAL: I did it. I got my girl back. We will be home in a few hours.
Right as it sends I feel her hand on my bare back and her lips on my shoulder blade. “Good morning.” She says in a sleepy voice. I turn and pull her against me for nothing more than the feel of her in my arms.
“Good morning.” I say and motion to the fresh coffee. “I made breakfast.” I say and laugh.
“What a chef.” She says and laughs kissing my chest because it’s as far as her lips reach. “I’ll have some coffee breakfast in a minute. I am too busy basking right now.”
“Bask away baby.” I say and reach for my phone when it chimes.
I read the message from Shamus first before it goes off again and again as everyone replies. I turn my phone to Tayla and show her.
SHAMUS: fuck yeah bro congrats. That’s how it should be.
CASSA: About time. Congrats sweetie.
CHAD: Hell yeah. I knew I gave instruction well.
CARRIE: Don’t listen to him. You did this congrats.
NOAH: Good job. Don’t fuck up again asshole.
We both laugh at Noah’s response. “I think you did pretty good getting me back.”
“Oh yeah?” I say and lean down to kiss her. “I wasn’t so sure for a while there. I don’t think I have ever been more scared than the idea you wouldn’t come back to me.”
“Cal what do we do now? I mean about Axe and this legal shit with Jenny and where the band is heading? There are so many factors at play... I don’t want to be on the sidelines anymore. I am in your corner fighting with you.”
I know what she is saying, and I also pick up on the real fear in her voice. “You think I won’t be able to handle it all. You still don’t believe me?” I am not angry, maybe a little bummed, but if anything, I am scared she won’t ever let me in all the way.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I am so sorry I want to believe but I am scared. I can’t have a night like last night and then lose you again. I barely survived these last few months, knowing what I know now I can’t do it again.”
I hate knowing how bad I hurt her and pushed her.
“I’ll prove it babe. I have no desire to go another night without you beside me.”
“It’s not just that Cal. I know you. I know that if you vow to be there or do something, I know you will die proving it. I’m scared that this is fear talking. Fear of single parent life, fear of business going bad. I don’t want
to be the Band-Aid.”
I rub my eyes and stand pulling away from her. I know that my needing space right now was hurting her, but she is pissing me off. “What do you want from me? I bore my soul last night Tay. I gave you every ounce of me. I want our lives to merge as one. I have always wanted that baby. I know you think that Axe is the change in me, but he is a bonus to me Tay. I knew if business went bad between us, that I would let one of the guys take the lead and I’d do shit from behind the scenes because you to me and you to business are two different things. Noah may not be back, that’s something we will deal with when we have too but its business baby. We are us and everything outside of us is our life together. You have to tell me what you want from me that I haven’t made abundantly clear?”
“I deserve to be somebody’s world Cal.” She speaks so quietly, and I can hear the pain in that one desire. I want to hold her and tell her she is mine. Tell her that I am that somebody. But she needs to do it her way and so I let her. “I deserve that somebody to go crazy thinking about me and can’t wait to see me again.” Her lashes spike from the tears building in her eyes. “I deserve that marriage proposal in the rain, under the orange glow of the street lamp from a man who cannot live without me.” She places her rose tattooed hand over her heart to affirm how deeply she wants these things. “Babies. I want babies from a man who knocked me up for equal parts knowing I was the one he wanted a family with, but also because his love and desire for me results in the impossible fact he can’t keep his hands off me. I want and deserve to make him my world, my everything because it is a gift Cal. It is fragile and delicate and easily broken gift that I have given to you.”
She hiccups on that last part and shakes her head closing her eyes as more tears fall. I am finally aware of how deep her wounds went. Through all the bickering, hoping to win her back and all within the mindset that I was keeping her forever, not once did I ever look at forever the way I just did now.
With her every word she painted a picture, one she most definitely does deserve. It was me I saw as she spoke of the man she deserves. It was me not keeping my hands off her and knowing her swollen belly was my doing. It was me as I am now, anxious and desperate for every second I get with her... It was me on the street in the rain under the glow of an orange street lamp begging her to marry me.
I take a step closer knowing I need to play this hand, knowing that even if she rejects me out of fear, that we both know what I am about to say is right and she may run, but on this she will come back. Meant to be will be.
“You listen to me now Tay.” I move in close and do it so fast she can’t pull away from me. “I know I pushed you away. I know what I did was wrong and cowardly and so fucking dumb babe, but I am here now, and I am so fucking late, but Tay, I am that guy for you. We are meant to be baby.”
I step in even closer, taking her trembling hands into mine. “Shh.” I say and pull her until she is in my arms and we are so close that where I end, is the deepest most special place in her heart. “Don’t say anything. Go home with me; think of everything you just put on the table. See me, in my eyes and see that I am telling you right now. I. Am. Him. Give me that baby, think on that and say nothing until you see it too.” I kiss her lips silencing her argument or concession, I don’t know which. “Until then, be mine; let’s enjoy being together for the first time as me and my girl.”
She nods but I can see the shock and awe on her face. Tayla isn’t ready for me because she is too busy fighting me, but I will get her there.
And I’ll throw it all away
And watch you fall into my arms again
I’ll throw it all away
Watch you fall, now
Chapter Fourteen
Tayla
It has been four weeks in Cal’s bed. Four weeks of burying Jenny Pope and her lawyers in a mountain of paperwork, all while we appeal on Axe’s behalf to get Cal as the permanent custodial parent.
I think of all the revelations over the last four weeks and I am mind blown how far Axe has come in the five weeks Cal has had him.
Axe is in speech therapy three times a week as well as we all on a whole are trying to potty train him. He willingly hugs and plays. It’s astonishing how completely he has found happiness by just being given the tools he should have never been deprived.
My phone chimes and I look to the screen of my iPhone and see the man I worship holding his sweet boy. I took the photo on my cell a few days ago when we went to the zoo.
“Hello” I say and continue my Pinterest obsession looking for little boy birthday ideas.
“Hey beautiful.” He says, and I can hear the strums of a guitar in the background. “We just got word that there is a benefit concert at Qwest Field tonight that Rock 102 is hosting, and they had a local band drop out. They are faxing the info to you here any minute; I wanted to give you a heads up.”
Right as he said it I hear the fax ring. I have been staying with Axe two days a week and working from Cal’s house. He doesn’t want to shock him with child care right now so we all, Cal’s parents included, are all taking turns helping. Before I can get to the fax I watch at Axe pics up the handset on the machine and looks at me. “Pone mama.” He says and my heart stops.
“Oh my God.” I say, and I am scared to move or even blink not sure I heard it right.
“What did he say Babe? I couldn’t hear him.” Cal says unaware that his son just called me mama...I think?
I walk over to Axe and stand before him, his little hand holding the handset toward me. “What Axe?” I say, and I can hear the tremor in my voice.
“Pone mama.” He says again, and I can’t hold back my sob. I am not scared by his referring to me as his mom, it would be natural for him to think it and in speech therapy they are teaching him common words and meanings as well as he sees his cousins and Noelle refer to their moms as mom. I am shaking to my core that he sees me as his mother, I want to one day be his step mom and help Cal raise him and maybe be lucky enough to adopt him as mine and give him siblings...
I shake my head and listen as Cal is talking and I hear the joy in his voice. “Baby did you hear that?” He is asking me, and I can’t speak but I nod and finally respond once it hits me he can’t see me.
“Yes babe.” I say, and I kneel to Axe’s level. “Come here baby.” I say to him and like usual he smiles his toothy grin and waddles to me coming easily to my embrace. I place the phone on speaker and place it in my bra, so I can hold him. I cradle his head to my shoulder and hold him tight smiling. “Oh, honey I love you so much Axe.” I say, and Cal I hear sniffle over the line before I hear Noah in the background.
“What’s up bro why you crying?” He sounds shocked and I bet he is, Cal until recently wasn’t one for public displays of emotion.
“Axe just called Tay mama.” He says and hear the pride in his voice before all the guys start cheering and I realize I am on speaker there.
“Axe you are one lucky kid bud. Tay is your mommy and she is damn good at it too.” Noah says, and I laugh through my tears.
“Noah.” Axe says and starts clapping his hands in excitement. Axe and Noah have a pretty crazy bond and we all noticed it from the start.
“Yes baby, that’s Uncle Noah. He and all your aunts and uncles are coming for dinner tonight.” I say, and I am all for an impromptu party to celebrate this boy’s happiness and the blessing of his seeing me as his mom.
“Cal, I need you to call Rock102 and have them resend the fax. Axe answered it and handed it to me.” I say with joyful laughter. He is quiet for a minute, but I hear the guys in the background, so I know he hasn’t hung up. “Cal?”
“I love you Tayla.” He says and with so much conviction in his tone, he is demanding I believe him and I am trying, but his declaration openly in front of everyone make it almost impossible to fight him on it.
“Oh baby, I love you too.” I say and another roar of hoots and hollers from the peanut gallery on the other end of the line makes me laugh and Axe start
clapping again.
Cal
I am pretty sure that I have never loved like this before. I am certain of it. Nothing has ever consumed me like Tayla does. I can’t keep my eyes off her tonight. I see her laughing with the girls as we watch the kids play together in the living room and I can’t wait to get my hands on her. Ever since that morning at her cabin when she painted a picture of what she wanted I haven’t been able to stop thinking of it. Every day I tell her I love her, in everything I do I try to show her and at night when I get her in bed I make love to her.
I miss the rawness that we shared when I was being a fool. I miss pinning her to the wall and fucking her brains out. I have a buzz and with the fun flowing freely in my house she is lucky she isn’t within touching distance right now because I am primed to get her dirty tonight.
Hearing Axe call her mama only intensified what I already know and what she keeps fighting. I have no intentions of letting this woman get away from me ever again. There isn’t a shot in hell I would let her go, and by the sound of things neither does my son.
It’s getting harder and harder to not beg her to marry me, but I promised her all the time she needed until she believed me, and I will keep that promise.