by Emjay Soren
“May I propose something you’re Honor?” I say, and I don’t know if I should stand like Jenny did but she looks kind of crazy, so I chose to stay seated.
He nods, “Go ahead Mr. Dorian.”
I squeeze Tay tighter and hope I am doing the right thing for Axe. What if it was open ended?”
“What?” Jenny says, and she looks horrified, the Judge looks even more confused and I feel Tayla digging her nails into my hand, but I keep going and blow all logic away.
“What if I took the rights as his father and am the custodial parent, but allow visitation with Jenny, supervised?”
I feel Tayla loosen her grip and it’s in that moment I know I made the right choice.
Jenny looks hopeful and more tears stream down her cheeks. “You’d let me stick around to see him?” She asks and there is so much hope in her response.
I look at her and then the Judge. “If it’s at all possible I think that would work great Sir. I don’t think it’s fair that Axe no longer sees her. I know, and I am the first to agree you were a shit mom Jenny, there’s no denying that I’m sorry.”
The judge interrupts in a stern tone, “Language Mr. Dorian.”
I nod, “I’m sorry your Honor. I do think though that both Jenny and Axe can benefit from a relationship. My fiancé and I are hoping that she can adopt him once we are married and she is amazing with Axe, I just think that as he grows older he will want to know Jenny and he will have questions and I never want him thinking he isn’t wanted. I think that if Jenny can establish a relationship that’s positive they both can only benefit from it.”
“Fiancé?” Jenny asks and looks to Tayla with a smile that isn’t even remotely vindictive, but sad. “I am so sorry for that day in the mall.” Jenny says and the Judge interrupts.
“Are you his fiancé, uh Miss?” He says, and his eyes are on Tayla, who looks shell shocked by my calling her fiancé, but really that’s where this is headed and fast.
“Tayla Livingston your Honor.” She says without a note of shock on her pretty face. I know she is tripping the fuck out on the inside, but this is my cut-throat Tayla.
“How do you feel about Mr. Dorian’s decision?” The Judge asks Tayla.
“I don’t see how my feelings on the matter should be of concern.” I almost laugh at how bitchy she can be.
“Well, if you’re planning to adopt the child don’t you think you have a say in his biological mother being involved?”
“I think that he is very loving your Honor. I don’t see how Jenny being involved can hurt as long as she knows her place and keeps it.” She looks to Jenny then and gives that evil glare she gives to all the fangirls. “I won’t let you hurt him Jenny. If you want to be a part of Axe’s life then you need to commit to that even if it is one day a week for three hours, you commit to it. He has the right to know you and love you, but he doesn’t deserve to be your yoyo. I think that we can draw up the papers and meet back here in a few weeks after a trial run because I don’t trust you to not bail on him again. So, I vote for a trial period, one where Cal and I can observe her with him and she can get a feel for being in his life in a different roll. I am warning you though Jenny, you fuck up once and I will do everything in my power to keep him safe from you.”
Spoken like a true momma bear I could have married her right fucking there if the Judge wasn’t freaking out about Tay dropping the F bomb.
“I can do that.” She says with a big smile.
“Okay well we will reconvene in three weeks and by then we will have a decision.” He slams his mallet releasing us from the hearing and I turn to Tayla and pull her into me tight kissing her neck as I whisper a thank you against her pretty skin.
“Cal?” Jenny says from behind me and I keep Tayla close as I look at her.
“I am so sorry Cal.” She says, and more tears fall. I realize then that Jenny has no family waiting for her beyond this room and no friends either. All she has is Axe and I and Tay are part of that package deal.
I pull Jenny in for half a hug as my other arm is firmly wrapped around my girl. “We are gonna be okay Jenny.” I say and look at Tay hoping she knows that this is strictly platonic. Seeing her sweet supportive smile settles my nerves.
“C’mon Jenny,” I say and let her go as I point at the door. “Let’s go see our son.”
Tayla
We drive in an awkward silence to Cal’s house. It isn’t awkward because of the deal with Jenny, shocking as that was; it is exactly how things should be. No, what was making this awkward was how, without any notice or discussion on my part, Cal told the Judge that I was his fiancée and I wanted to adopt Axe. Both are things I want. I want my life with Cal as his wife and without any doubt or question I have every intention of adopting my son, because he is mine. I am with him almost every free minute I have, and I do all the mom stuff, but it’s the love I have for him that makes him mine. Biology doesn’t have shit on the love I have for him.
What bothers me about this whole thing is that this is the typical Cal. There is no emotion or love in how he claims to marry me and make me a mother. It’s like with everything he does he forces it until it works, it’s who he is and will always be. I just assumed, foolishly mind you, that when he called me his fiancé one day it would be after a proposal, not in a way that would up his chances with the Judge. And honestly, even if I am a diva about it, it hurt my feelings.
So, as we drive to his house I contemplate what happened and try to rationalize it. All that matters is that we got Axe and Cal recognizes me as more than he ever has. He openly said I was going to be his forever and claimed me a mom in his eyes. That is what matters... and yet it hurts how it was handled.
By the time we get to his house I have worked myself up into anger and all I want is to get out of his Jeep and get in my car to leave. I need space and time to think before I fully over react and ruin everything.
I get out of the Jeep the minute he stops, knowing he will need to get Axe out and I can bail out to think. Right as I get to my Rover I hear Cal calling my name and feel him grab my hips from behind stopping me just as I get the door open.
“Stop God damn it!” He yells, and I spin on him.
“I need to get out of here for a while. I am so mad at you right now and I need to process it before we talk.” I try to be calm, but my voice is shaking and I yank away from him. But he just grabs me again.
“Talk to me now Tay. Don’t run babe. Is it because of Jenny? I want to do what’s best for Axe babe; I thought we were on the same page with that.”
He sounds scared and nervous as well as confused and it sets me off more. “You would think that. I don’t give a shit about Jenny and I am certainly not threatened by her. We both know Axe is mine by love and she won’t compare.”
Now he seems more confused and I see the spark of anger in his eyes. “Then what? Jesus, we just won Tayla. We won!”
“You used me to gain leverage with that Judge Cal. You told him I am your fiancé and you did it to gain points.”
All the confusion dissipates and now he is mad. “Are you fucking serious? Please tell me you aren’t for real right now before I completely lose my shit Tayla.”
“Yes, I am fucking serious!” I yell and yank free of him again but this time he didn’t try to grab me.
“How in the fuck is it me gaining leverage by telling the Judge we plan to get married and file for adoption for you to be his mom?” I watch as he rubs his face and his hands are trembling. “If that isn’t what you want you better tell me now then because I won’t put him through that. He loves you Tayla, on his own he calls you mama and you act now like we aren’t planning forever and accuse me of gaining cred from a judge when everyone knows I am where Axe belongs. You want out you better pack your shit now baby.”
His voice is so collected and calm I know that the storm is raging inside. It’s like this that he is his most angry and scary.
“How dare you accuse me of wanting to run? All I said was I nee
ded to cool off and think and look at you rushing to be single again.” It was a low blow, I know it was, but I was trying to make him feel as shitty as he made me feel.
“How dare you accuse me of wanting to be single? Jesus Tayla, I have bent in half proving myself to you, at sometimes it was agonizing being forced to see my life without you in it, but I stayed, and I pushed and fought for you, so no, this isn’t about me wanting the bachelor life. You go I won’t be out looking for a replacement because there isn’t one for us.”
“Cal...” I sigh, and my anger diminishes at his words and I feel the tears form in my eyes. “Why take that from me then?” I say, and I prove with that one question what a brat and diva I am.
“Take what baby? I thought we were getting everything. What did I take away?” He still sounds mad and back to confused and I feel like shit for this epic overreaction.
“Why take a proposal from me?” I cry and cover my face, ashamed that I am even upset by it but can’t deny that I am. “I don’t want to be the couple that gets married because it’s the next logical step. I don’t want to tell our kids that we decided to get married when we were in court. I don’t need hearts and flowers, but I want more than an agreement. You robbed me of that Cal.”
He says nothing as he pulls me against his chest and hugs me and I don’t fight, I just let him hold me because I need it.
“Tay, we will get married. I look at you and I see my bride. It was just me saying what I believe today and nothing more.” He pulls back and tips my chin up, so I look at him, using his thumbs to swipe my tears. “I know that right now we come second to Axe and that sucks baby. If I could I would go back to that first night together and I would never have handled things the way I did but anyway I look at it in ways I’d have changed things it takes him from me. So now I try to make you both feel like the most important thing to me because you are. I will propose to you baby. It’s just a matter of when, but you are mine Tay and that is all I was trying to tell that Judge. We are in this full throttle together and I want him to know that.”
I only cry harder and burry my face against his chest. “I’m so sorry.” I say and feel him rub my back. “I do want that, and now I feel like I took it away from us both by making you tell me.”
He laughs at that and kisses my head. “So high maintenance baby.”
I laugh at that and agree. “I know.”
Then we hear Axe who is still in his car seat and no longer okay with sitting there alone. “Me out Daddy!” he yells, and cries and I feel like shit for leaving him in there.
“Calm down babe, it’s not hot and we are at the bumper he’s fine. He didn’t need to witness his mom and dad fighting.”
Hearing him say that made me turn to Jell-O and cry harder. “Damn Hun quit crying. It’s okay baby.” He says with a chuckle and undoes the harness on Axe’s seat. His arms go out to me immediately. “Go mama.” He says, and I continue to cry, overwhelmed by emotion.
Cal hands him to me and ruffles Axe’s head. “Mama loves us so much she cries Axe.” He says and kisses me on the temple and we head inside.
“Mama cy baby.” Axe says, and I laugh stopping to look at him.
“Who taught you cry baby?” I ask, and Axe starts clapping.
“Nel.” He says, and we laugh at how cute he and Noelle’s conversation must have been.
“Mama is a cry baby, but we love her anyway.” Cal says, and I keep on crying like a lunatic basking in the love of my boys.
‘A considerate clown, A preachy preaching machine
Is one of the sweetest things you would say about me
Chapter Sixteen
Tayla
I was sitting at lunch with Cassa Roni and Carrie a few weeks later. Nothing crazy or dramatic in almost three whole weeks and it was time I caught up with everyone to see how they were. Cal and I had been living in love bliss, spending time with Axe when we could and soaking up the happiness. I literally turned my own stomach when I thought of how blissful life was being.
“Look who crawled out of the cave.” Carrie exclaimed as I took my seat at the little cafe on Main Street.
“Oh, shut it.” I say with laughter and a huge smile. “I have waited forever to be this happy. I’ve been basking in the joy so back off.”
“Yeah yeah, I know what that’s like.” Carrie says, and I believe her. She and Chad are the myth or what I used to believe was the myth. That one guy who put you above everything to keep you happy. Cassa and Shame were the well-deserved happily ever after couple that fought to get to the level they were at and they were so strong for it. Roni and Mike were the love at first site couple, together since they were kids. And now it was Cal and I, the exception to the rule love. I am the game changer.
“So, tell me, what I have I missed?” I ask and sip from my iced tea and wait to be filled in on all the deets of the last few weeks.
“No way. We know for a fact that Jenny has been dropping to play mom. How is that going?” Cassa asks and I can see the look of yuck she gives thinking of Jenny.
I have got to handle this as easily as I can. I love Cass and knowing that she would give anything to have Shamus’s baby, well, it goes against everything in her world to find reason in someone like Jenny Pope’s world. “I know it bugs you Cass, but she’s been okay. She hasn’t caused any problems she doesn’t interfere with our parenting, she supports it. I honestly think that she wants to be in his life and be fun like a cool aunt or something.”
“How do you stand it?” Cassa asks and the judgement in her tone sets me off. Cassa isn’t always sweet and kind. She has a bit of brat in her and she doesn’t look at things from the whole spectrum at times and it can make her hard to love.
“Because I grew up without a father on a barely functioning farm in Georgia. I watched my grandpa bust his ass on that farm up until the day he died my single momma at his side. They both busted their ass to support me and my sister and it was hell. I would have given anything for my dad to have stepped in and helped with the burden of us girls so that they could rest and have time to themselves, but he never did. We live with that every day even now as adults we know damn well we weren’t wanted by him in any capacity, so hey, if I can give Axe something I never had and always wanted and let him see he is wanted and loved, I damn well will.”
Cassa doesn’t say anything at first, just looks at me with a guilty sadness. “Fuck... I’m sorry Tay. I didn’t look at it that way.”
I nod in understanding because I do understand it. “I know Cass. I feel bad for Jenny. She doesn’t have you guys to talk her through things, or a family to call on in hard times. She was pregnant, and she even told us that she tried to get an abortion but didn’t have the money. She didn’t come to get money from Cal because she didn’t want Axe to have two parents who didn’t love him. It wasn’t neglect so much as it was money. There are things she did, agreements we have had with her that once we found out the story, though she was in the wrong she was never trying to hurt Axe.”
Cassa shakes her head in understanding when Roni pipes in. Roni is nothing if not blunt. She has no problem calling BS or putting her opinion out there. “I can see both sides. I see why you want Axe to have everything and I think you’re a rock star for it, but do you see our sides?”
Confused I shake my head no.
“Cassa doesn’t need to be compassionate or sorry for Jenny. Jenny had a baby she didn’t want. Whether Cal would have wanted him is moot because for damn near 2 years she didn’t, and the world is full of shitty moms that don’t want their children while women like Cassa will never get the chance. I had kids early in life and I know what it takes to be a mom and I am sorry, nothing and I mean nothing could make me hurt them. I have the right frame of mind to know that if the day ever came I didn’t want them I would certainly not ask mike to let me come have fun for a few hours.”
I look at my girlfriends and I can feel their judgmental stares and honestly, I’m over it.
“You know what guys,
I don’t need this shit. I didn’t come here for lectures or judgements or to play the who-has-it-worse card. Had any of you asked me why she did what she did, or why he was so malnourished or any of his problems I would have explained and then let you judge, but you didn’t. You took what you know and placed a judgment on it like you always do. Jenny doesn’t have what we have.” I look at Carrie, “No big brother to lean on and hold her up.” I look at Roni, “No loving husband or mother and father like Cal has.” Looking at Cassa, “No excusing her behavior and what happened, but through it all I believe she does love him and she did what she could.”
I shake my head; my hands are shaking as I try to explain. I feel my tears in my eyes, but I am not sad, I am so damn mad. “She has been working at Skin for five years as a cocktail waitress. She has moved up as a trainer and one of the lead servers. It may not be some dream job, but she wasn’t living on the state and taking tour bus parties like we thought. She was busting her ass every night in a filthy strip club while Axe was at the neighbor’s house where the woman rarely fed or changed him. The minute Jenny found out she called child services and reported the woman. I was able to verify it.” I say with a snip in my tone as I stare them down. “She didn’t have a crib for him because she couldn’t afford it. She put him to sleep every night in his car seat until she felt safe enough to put him in the bed beside her. Axe sleeps in the corner of his bed because Jenny only had a twin which she placed against the wall, so Axe had the most room and she would most nights end up on the floor. She fed him as often as she could and as best she could, but she worked a lot and he was neglected in the process. There is no excuse for why she didn’t get assistance from the state other than her pride and that pride cost Axe more than it should have. There is no excuse for the parties and tour bus BS she dragged him along on other than what we know and that is she was never meant to be a mom. I don’t think for a split second that her love for Axe isn’t pure, but she isn’t ready. Maybe one day she will grow up, but she has us now and she can count on us to do the very best for Axe and still let her be a part of her son’s life in the capacity that she can handle. Do whatever the fuck you want with that information. Place your judgements on her, I don’t care but don’t you ever think for one second that Cal and I don’t worry or question if we are making the right choices. We worry and second guess every move, but we do what makes Axe thrive and smile and Jenny does.”