by Emjay Soren
I turn my stare back to Cal, alone on that stage and I am entranced. His whiskey brown gaze is trained on me. “Tayla Livingston, I am here tonight to not just tell you that I love you and that I am that somebody you are looking for, but I am here to show you in the only way I know how.”
Oh. My. Fucking. Fuck! Like a bullet point checklist, I must organize my thoughts and process what he has done and what he just said. Publicly no less and that is the most shocking part of it all. Cal only goes public when TAT is involved, and he certainly doesn’t use his fame to gain personal attention. He avoids it at all costs.
“Now I have never been a man of eloquently scripted love notes, poems, songs or speeches so not just you Tay, but everyone bears with me as I confess my undying and unwavering love to this woman.”
I feel tears form in my eyes, but I won’t blink them away, I can’t blink for fear he will disappear and this is some awful dream.
“Now, I am not the songwriter of our band. I can hear the tune, but I can’t find the words. That has always been Noah and Chad and Shame. I can barely find the words to express anything emotional and it usually comes out wrong and I look like a dumbass. Tonight though,” he pauses to look at me, vulnerable and with so much hope that I blink because his face shatters me. That is how deep I love him. It’s shattering.
“Tonight, I found the words that tell my story to you Tayla. I couldn’t ask the guys to write what I feel for you and had I tried I would have murdered it. So, I was lying in bed last night thinking my brain down the drain when one particular thing I feel brought it all to the surface and it formulated this plan.”
He looks to Chad, who in turn stands and is followed by Shame and Noah. I know in that instant he is dedicating a song to me and it’s like my entire body has the butterflies.
Chad walks out on the stage and hands Cal his acoustic guitar, and then leaves the stage.
“That single thought, was that night you told me what you deserve in a man, and all the things you listed, are so simple and easy and they are all things I feel for you but haven’t been able to show you or say the right thing. That is my fault Tay; I drove you into another man’s arms because you had finally given up on me.”
He places the strap over his neck and situates the guitar. Then he looks at me, with determination and promise. “I am about to rectify your thinking like that right now.” He says and starts strumming his guitar. I can’t place the tune just yet, but I know that Chad will sing his heart out on it, for Cal tonight.
While he strums his guitar, I can see Noah behind him as he and Shamus push a large piano onto the stage. Noah sits behind it, unmoving, as Chad and Shamus both sit on the opposite side of the stage on stools of their own, guitars in hand.
I watch Cal close his eyes, and it is my favorite part when he plays, His eyes are closed, and he is calm and confident knowing with perfection where his fingers should be, and he plays a beautiful tune.
I know the minute that Noah follows him in on the piano and Shame and Chad strum lightly. He is playing ‘Sirens’ by Pearl Jam and I know it word for word and it’s painfully fitting, perfect and so beautiful. And then I hear his voice with absolute clarity and my tears splash on my cheeks.
His voice is so beautiful, and such a comparable beauty to Eddie Vedar and I have melted. I sit in awe of his beauty, for the first time I am content to be in his shadow and let him bask in our love, because I feel it. I feel his love for me, coming over me in waves as he sings to me in a bar full of fans.
It isn’t just this beautiful rendition of this beautiful song, but the recognition he is giving me with this display. He reaches the point in the song that he addressed to the crowd. He belts the lyrics with a profound tune as he tells me that every mistake he made wasn’t his plan... to send me to the arms of another man.
I cover my mouth as I cry listening to him confesses his undying love to me and I am blissfully content. This is my forever, he is giving me my forever in a way he can and that is through music.
He opens his eyes and looks at me as he sings his promise desperate for me to believe him.
‘Want you to know
That should I go
I always loved you
Held you high above true
I study your face
And the fear goes away’
All I can do is nod, when really what I want is to tell him I know it now. But I don’t have to, because as the song ends he stands’, letting his guitar hang and comes to me.
I am out of my seat and I step upon the table to get to him faster and it is there he meets me and pulls me into his arms and off the table. His lips are on mine and the crowd has gone insane with applause and there isn’t a dry eye in the bar.
This kiss solidifies it all. And then I hug him as tight as I can telling him I love him as I bury my face in his neck and sob with happiness. He slowly lowers me to the ground, and he towers above me. We just look at one another because there really are no words and it is all in how we feel.
“I love you so much Tay.” He says and cups my face in his trembling hands and kisses me.
It is the kiss I have waited forever for.
Cal
I did it. Holy fuck I did it is all I can say to myself as I kiss her and hold her. I am lost in her and this moment not giving a rat’s ass that every fan in here is you tubing this. They can watch it and hear me sing to her and the world over can give their opinion, but this moment where she is mine and I am at peace, that moment is ours.
Chad, Noah and Shame all come off the stage followed by six body guards and they hug Tay and me because I am not letting her go. Within seconds everyone is hugging us, and security is getting nervous and we need to calm the crowd. I didn’t want to leave her, but we had to get the Aloha in order. “I need to go give a free concert now because I promised I would.” I say to her and swoop in for a soft little kiss. I will be playing in front of this crowd with a massive boner so it’s a night of firsts all around. “But this night is just starting. Now sit down have a drink and watch your man do his thing.” I smack her ass and head up to the stage that is now set with our equipment.
We jam a light-hearted fans choice show of six songs and it was by far the best show we ever played. By the time we wrapped up Party to the Dawn I was ready to go shock my girl some more. I lean into the microphone and thank everyone. “I could play all night with the energy in here, but I need to take my girl on our first date.”
The crowd went nuts in support as we left the stage. Our group was backstage, and I went to Tayla immediately taking her into my arms and kissing her because I had to. “I love you so much babe.” I say, and it doesn’t feel like enough, it never will but I’ll spend forever showing her.
“I love you Cal. So much.” She says and wraps her arms around me. “Now, tell me about this first date.” She is laughing, and I know exactly what is coming next and there is no hiding my smile.
I look to Chad and Carrie who are at the back door and see its pouring rain now. “Let’s go babe.” I say and we all head out the back door. Just as we step outside she goes to open her umbrella, but I stop her. “Let’s get wet.” I say and take her hand and pull her to me as we splash in puddles in the parking lot. Now I got strategic with this and parked my Jeep right up underneath a street lamp and had the Aloha house put orange cones out to block the surrounding spots. We are now right up alongside the boardwalk, the beauty of Gig beside us under that Washington sky and it was there I stop her.
“Look at me baby.” I say, and she turns to see me go down on my knee. Behind me are our friends who are family to us and Carrie has her mini recorder out catching the whole thing.
“Cal...” She says amazed and shocked and immediately cups her hands over her mouth.
“I am that somebody Tayla. I am that somebody who aches to be near you when I am not. I am that somebody who can’t stop thinking about you. I am the somebody who wants you round and glowing with my baby, because I know you are the mother to m
y children and you will definitely get that way because I will never ever be able to not touch you and have you every single chance I get.”
I feel the tears wet my eyes as I open the box carrying the single solitaire round and flawless three carrot engagement ring. I hear her gasp before she falls to her knees before me, crying as she looks to the ring, then me, then the peanut gallery behind us, then back to me.
“I am that somebody who is on his knees in the rain under the orange glow of a street lamp, begging you to be my somebody because there is no one else for me Tayla. We are meant to be babe.” I hear her sob and, yeah, I admit it, I am a pussy because I am bawling too. “Will you marry me Tayla Livingston, and be my somebody forever?”
It is not even a full second before I hear her scream “Yes!”
I grab her and pull her to me and stand with her wrapped around me legs and all. “Yes Cal. I am your somebody baby.” She says and kisses me. It is rain and tears and hope and love and forever and it tastes like perfection.
I set this beautiful woman, this pixie who owns me heart and soul, to the ground because I am getting this fucking rock on her finger. I take her rose covered hand in mine and slip her ring on, it’s a perfect fit of course because that is how meant to be works.
But my dreams they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free
Epilogue
Noah
“Hey.” I say and hold the door open for her. My anxiety decreases in waves at seeing her before me.
“Hey!” She says in a bright chipper voice. “Are you ready to get back?” She sets her keys on my counter and sits beside me as I roll the label on my Aquafina.
“I guess as ready as I’ll ever be.” I say and stand placing my hands in my pockets.
She rubs her hand gently down my arm in a gesture of support. I am so thankful that I found this friendship and that I did when I least expected it, but I wish I could call Carrie and tell her I needed her beside me tonight.
She knew what I was thinking; it’s kind of creepy the way she reads me. I don’t know how or why, but she understands in a way that no one does. It’s given me strength to do what I am about to do. “You need to do this on your own remember?”
“Yeah, yeah.” I hold the door as she walks through it, turning to wait for me until I lock the door behind me. “Mind telling me how you are welcome in the group? Considering the level of anonymity to it?”
“You’ll learn soon enough.” She says and winks at me. I hold her door as she climbs in and yes, fuck, kill me but yeah, I checked out her ass.
I climb in behind the driver seat of my newest toy, my 73 GTO, and I stare off into space. I am out of my element and way the fuck out of my comfort zone. ‘Believe’ by Mumford and Sons is playing lightly in the background and I look over to the woman who is saving my life and she has no clue.
That makes it all the more beautiful to me.
“Tell me I can do this.” I say, and I wait on baited breath for her answer. She can see me weak and broken. I don’t know why, and I don’t question it because she gives me a peace that nothing has ever been able to, not Carrie and not Candey, though god knows they tried.
She links her hand in mine and looks me in the eye. “I know that you can do this Noah. Remember that in this there is no failure. It could work for you and it may not, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for something else. Whatever it is you need to get through all of this safely, I swear to God we will find it.”
I have no words to that, but I am trying to believe her. I have given her every piece of me. My past, my fears and my soul. I spent two weeks in detox and some intense therapy. I want to fight the black back, but let’s be realistic here. Two weeks pushed me almost too far. It was nice though that I had something positive and beautiful to come home to tonight and seeing Cal and Tay tonight embarking on forever... well it was promising. Just three weeks ago it would have sent me into a tailspin of anguish to see them happy. Now I can find peace in knowing it won’t be dark forever, if I let the light in.
We pull into a normal plain strip mall on the outskirts of Gig. A floral shop a nail salon and a weight watcher were a few of the stores in the L shaped lot. We walk through the door. There are three doors with handwritten signs on them lining the small hallway.
NA/AA meeting. Please enter quietly.
That’s what one door said.
Grieving. Please enter quietly.
Said another.
Over eaters Anonymous
Said the third.
Now way was she going in that one...
I watch her pale hand turn the handle to the first door and I guess it really did make some sense that she really did know where I was coming from.
Because I followed in after her.
“My name is Noah Beckett. I am a man of many addictions and tendencies, but heroin is the fragile hand choking the life from me. I am two weeks sober today. I left a detox facility this morning and it was my first time and I hope like fuck it will be my last.”
I watch as recognition of who I am registers on more than half the people in this group and I am so fucking uncomfortable that my skin is crawling off my bones. I seek her out in the crowd before me and I keep my eyes on hers, knowing that I need to get it off my chest so that the people in this room can help keeping me strong.
“I really hope that this meeting is private because the things I need to share here don’t belong outside of these doors.”
A group leader, I am assuming anyway, stands. “We are all in this specific meeting for the anonymity Mr. Beckett. We aren’t rock stars, well not all of us, but we are all in desperate need of secrecy.”
He doesn’t say more, he just nods and gives me a look that says he means it. Problem is, trust isn’t my thing, like at all so as leaps of faith go, this one is huge.
“Well, sadly my life over the last few years has been a media field day. It’s no secret to most, but in case a few of you don’t know, my father was a Lieutenant for the Seattle PD and he was a sadistic pervert that got off on torturing me and my sister. What you don’t know is that I invented this game called Trust Me when we were just little kids. I don’t know how I knew that my world would forever be ruined as early as three when I recall him punching me in the face the first time, but I did. I didn’t want that for my little sister. I used trust me for the word trust and I built worlds where we could lie about anything we wanted, accept the shit in our house. Pink cars, rivers of gold, it didn’t matter the world we created, it only mattered that in that world we trusted each other enough to filter the truth out. Because of that game we never spent a second of our lives feeling alone and scared.”
I clear my throat and keep watching her face and the way she shines with approval for my speaking out. Tears threaten to bring me down the way they always do when I think of Candey. “I lost the love of my life five months, three days, nine-teen hours and six minutes ago when a drunk driver hopped the medium and T-boned my car. I had asked her to marry me that night and she had said yes. I was pulled to the side of the road because I couldn’t keep my hands off her knowing she would be my wife.”
I bow my head in defeated shame. It is a feeling that no matter how many times I tell this story, or rethink every move I made, I failed her that night. “When I came home from the hospital it had been about two weeks after she had passed away. I have always had an affair with drugs since I was about twelve smoking weed on the few chances I had to go see my friend Sam. He was the only friend my sister and I could be around, and it was because his dad was our dad’s partner. The minute Sam heard about the death of my fiancée and love of my life, he packed his bags and moved to Gig Harbor because he knew the relief I would go looking for came in the form of a needle in my arm.
“I fell deeper this last time than I ever have before. Heroin had been my crutch, the one thing I went to when
life was killing me and when she died, and I knew it was my fault... I had no intention of ever coming back from it again.”
This was the first time I have ever admitted to anyone, her included, that I was out looking for my death with the full intention of following Candey.
It was her that had me seeing reason. “I wished for death many times over the course of my life and recently I actually sought it out with a single-minded intent. When a few words from one amazing woman the night I checked into detox changed everything. ‘Noah’ she said, ‘don’t you think that in all the highs and all the darkness and drugs and evil you’ve survived, haven’t you once ever thought there was a greater purpose?’ I just so happened to have had another friend almost beat me after a bunch of bikers already had that I knew what he said was true. The only option he gave me was that I get help, or I get gone because he refused to watch me die any longer.”
I am no longer watching the crowd, too shamed by my own words. “So yeah, that’s why I am here I guess.”
I make my way to my chair and sit beside her. Her hand finds mine immediately and she squeezes it, so I know she is proud of me. She accepts that I am who I am and that some aspects won’t ever change. Being the emotional pussy at any given time isn’t my thing so when I don’t look at her or acknowledge her support, she accepts it. It is literally something I have never had from anyone, she lets me be.
She sits beside me as we listen as others like me tell their stories and it is uncanny how alike we all are. I could look any of these people in the eye with a thousand-yard stare that would scare most, but these people would look me back with the same.
Just as the meeting is about to wrap up early she stands and let’s go of my hand. I watch as she tucks strands of her copper madness hair behind her ears. I watch the delicate line of where her jaw curves in the most feminine way. She is the reason that pin ups were created and why every man on earth wants them inked in their skin for life. She is that woman personified. My heart may be buried with Candey, but my dick isn’t, and it wants her.