by Emjay Soren
"Hey, Carrie. Look at me now, come on."
Her eyes carry the same detached sadness mine do and I see it now as she lets them fall on me. "There you are." I say and smile. She doesn’t smile back but I don't expect her to.
"You wanna play a game sis?" I ask and rub my hand on her arm to let her feel our connection. Chad sniffles and I can see his eyes wet with tears. I give him a look that says 'knock that shit off' and he uses the sleeve of his Henley to dry his eyes. I know he hurts when she hurts and I am comforted by his desire to always keep her and Noelle safe, but right now calls for bravery and strength.
She nods through her tears and grabs for my hand. "Right now we are running around your kitchen driving you crazy while you are trying to cook. Noelle and Axe are playing with the flour on the floor and Chad keeps kissing you every time he comes in for another beer."
"And Candey is there, helping me make pumpkin pies?" She asks, her voice shaky. I feel my heart break for the millionth time and cringe looking to Bright for understanding. All I see is her strong support and she doesn’t take it personal.
I do though.
It kills me to do what I am about to do, but I let go and now maybe she needs to as well. My future is sitting beside me, strong and sure and my past is someone we both will always love, but she is our memory and we need to live in her honor and in her name.
It kills me though.
"No sissy. Bright is there though. She's talking your ear off on designer labels and bitching about her manicure being destroyed by the end of dinner." I feel my tears spill over and look to Chad for support. I had made it clear that there would be no tears, yet mine fall freely. I feel his hand on my shoulder in support and Bright smiles at me, tears in her eyes.
Carrie looks over her shoulder at Bright and smiles, coming out of it with a hard cry and looking back at me. "I'm so sorry." She says and curls her arms around me, weeping as I hold her; the pillar of strength she will forever need.
"No need for sorry baby girl. I raised you better than that."
She nods and cries harder. I let her get it out and Chad leaves with Noelle and Bright stays silent behind my sister. "Talk to me Carrie. What brought this on?"
"I'm pregnant." She says and weeps against my shoulder again.
This is not what I expected and I wait patient for her to tell me why that put her in such a terrified state.
She reaches beside her and hands me a small onesie thingy that babies wear. It was white and in yellow… "Mother fucker!" I say and chuck it in the garbage as bile rises in my throat. I hear Chad coming from down the hall and looks at me with confused concern. I point to the garbage and try to collect my thoughts. "When did you find out Sissy?"
Chad holds it up and reads the words that say Worlds Proudest Grandpa on it in bright yellow. I am reminded again why I should have killed him when I had the chance.
"Where'd you get this babe?" Chad asks and shoves it in his back pocket.
"I found it in Noelle's room." She says and I can tell the fear is fading and rage is coming in. "Fuck yeah baby girl. Get pissed!"
I look to Bright to clarify because I can't tell she is scared of what that said. "Our dad sent her a gift."
She gasped in shock and I simply nodded knowing Carrie was good. I stand and stretched my legs looking at Chad. "When did you guys find out we were getting another heathen?"
"Fuck like a month ago. Nobody knows!" Carrie states and flies from the chair and starts searching the bus for signs of our monster.
"Carrie, Stop!" Chad yells and punches the door. I take a step back totally shocked because he is pretty even killed with this shit.
"Harvey bought the fucking onesie!" I… am confused. No other word for it.
"Wait- what?" I ask as Carrie storms down the hall.
"I told him. It was in a rare moment of stupidity. I was so excited and he called like ten minutes after we found out. He sent it yesterday knowing we were in Cali and asked Tay to messenger it over." He looks at Carrie like I have never seen before, he's hurt and upset. "It was a fuckin' gift!"
I have only ever seen Chad in a state of rage like this one other time. Carrie broke up with him and he blamed me in a roundabout way. "Dude, did she know that shit?" I ask my voice just as pissed as his.
He looks at me with a righteous anger. "No she didn't. Had she asked me or told me what she thought I could have kept all this from happening. But, no right babe? No she needed bubba to swoop in and save her as her perpetual knight in shining fuckin' armor!" He comes at me and I stand firm daring him to touch me. I'll fuckin drop him…
"You knew going into this that she would have moments that I would have to pull her out Chad. Can't fuckin' cry now!"
"We are having a fuckin' baby Noah! One of the few moments that are so God Damned special that I had to share. Everything in our world is a secret and privacy saves lives. As her husband she should have ran to me not from me…" He doesn’t sound angry anymore, he's hurt. Though I get it, I totally do, the big fuckin' baby needed to get a grip and remember that yes, normal every day wives would. Carrie and I, our bond…so not the typical.
"Why didn't you tell him?" I ask Carrie, offhandedly looking to Bright to make sure she's okay. She isn't there and as if Chad knows I am about to freak he reassures me.
"She's with Noelle."
I nod and look back to Carrie for answers. "See how easy that was to avoid some useless senseless fear and drama? It's called open honesty babe, try it." He says and leaves, storming out of the bus without a second glance back.
I watch as my sister falls to the floor in grief. "I knew I would lose him one day because of this."
I scrub my hands over my face, pissed off at the world and all its injustices essentially for destroying us both. "I get it, I do. I get why he is tripping the fuck out sissy. Why not tell him Carrie? Why not tell him what your fear is? I know, I get it. You can't stand the idea of tainting them?"
She nods and more tears fall and I can't help but hold her. "Him included. I'm so scared he will give up on me bubba."
"Never gonna happen babe." Chad says from the living area and I didn't know he was back. I look up as he walks in the room and takes my crying sister in to his arms. "I'm sorry Noah." He says and soothes her.
"Sometimes I forget how it must be on her… and only think of what it's like for me." Hearing shame in his voice makes me want to hug him, but I won't because I'm just not that guy.
"I get it. I can only imagine what this is like outside looking in, but I know you love her more than you love yourself."
"It's impossible loving you both at times, but I do bro."
I get that to.
I step beside him and drop a kiss to Carrie's head and tell her I expect a call about this baby tomorrow, and clasp Chad's shoulder and squeeze once.
That was enough too. That said what I needed it to.
Efficient and shit.
And I would come back and admit that it wasn't your fault
But I'm tired and unwilling to be the only one who was wrong
And I would sail back to you
Damien Juarado~Everything Trying
Chapter Eighteen
Bright
I can feel the emotion as it lingers inside of me. All the events of today flash through my mind in brilliance. I can feel his pain as it radiates through me, but oh no he won't tell me. To open a wound of that magnitude would require understanding and it isn't anything I could comprehend. We are taught from infancy to love, this brilliant and beautiful man beside me had only loved one up to adulthood.
I watch him hold her and comfort her; two small scared children, never divided by hate and brought to love through trust. He tells her now to trust him, to confide and feel safe. To believe in the beauty of a world that only showed them ugliness and sorrow. For me to hold him is like hugging an ember, burning hot and melting flesh before turning me to ash… but I love him.
I accept his broken pieces. I could spend hours mending them,
repairing them and piecing him together like a ragdoll.
"Bright?" I am pulled from my thoughts when I hear his name. I close my notebook and tuck my pen behind my ear.
"Sorry…" I say bashfully and feel guilt for purging my thoughts as he drove us to my house. I look up though to see we are nowhere near my house. We are on the freeway headed North and already out of Yorba Linda. "Where are we going babe?" I k and rub my hand on his arm.
"I need to think. I need the time to think and I can't do it sitting on a couch… I need distance."
I nod and turn to face him. "I think I am gonna take you with me somewhere. I know you won't agree with where or why I am going." He looks at me with an intense stare now. "I need you to trust me, to trust in me that I need to do this…" He looks out his window and uses his free hand to scrub his face. "I need you to trust in me Bright." He looks at me now for a brief moment and I am frozen in place. "Feel me?"
"I don't know if I do. You're scaring me." I have no choice but to be honest.
"Well, do you trust me to do the right thing?"
"I do." And I do. I knew that no matter what he wouldn’t willingly endanger a soul.
"Then you need to make a choice. I can make it for you or you can trust me." He looks so serious now, I am scared to even argue with him. There is a darkness that's present right now I have never seen in him before. I know before I even say it, that I will essentially cost myself his love when I answer him, fear wreaking havoc on my heart and mind.
"And if I need answers first?"
"Then I can take you home. There isn't a need for questions and answers with something as simple as asking if you trust me, it’s a yes or no Bright." He sounds both offended and supportively understanding.
"So that's it? Ask me to trust you blindly without any idea of what you're intending to do, or walk away?" I knew… I fight back my tears now because I knew that this was too good to be true.
He smacks the steering wheel before getting in the right lane and taking the next exit. "Yeah, that's trust. Everything else is explainable and easy to understand, but not if you don't trust me and right now I need to know that you trust me."
"And if this little endeavor of yours costs me my job?"
He looks at me then with absolute disgust. "You would think that." He shakes his head and gets back on the freeway heading toward Yorba Linda. "Ever the vigilant sponsor."
"What am I supposed to think Noah?" I flip the visor down to wipe the mascara from under my eyes and throw my hair in a ponytail. I need to occupy my mind with something, anything to avoid me saying things I don't mean.
He stares at me blankly as if he can't see why this is pissing me off. "It isn't like your track record is full of positive actions."
See? I need to shut up.
He said nothing after looking at me with painful indignation. Forty five minutes we rode in silence, the tension had a heartbeat in the car. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, to take it back and tell him I would trust him. I wanted so badly, but I couldn’t lie to him. He didn't tell me what his plan was and what he needed, he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn’t let him go down the path that took him back to the needle. I knew he was upset about his sister and the lasting effects of a lifetime of abuse, but in asking me to trust him he didn't trust me with the truth.
By the time we were on Banda Boulevard and pulling into the Brew, my silence ended as I gathered my hoodie and purse from the floor at my feet. "You refused to trust me Noah. You refused to tell me where you needed to go and in turn refused to let me help you. Remember that when you see me after the break in the tour."
I stepped from the car when he grabbed me by my wrist. "How could I refuse to do anything when you never asked me?" His voice was calm, reflective even, as he spoke to me. "I asked if you would trust me blind. I had no intention of taking you with me to see my father, without you knowing. I need to go, I need to face him once and for all, sober and strong and let it go. For myself and for my sister. I would have explained all this if I had your trust to hear me, to see me and believe my reasons for going to this extreme. I would have told you, whether or not you asked, but, you didn't ask. All you did was assume I am the bastard you think I am. The filthy junkie with no soul." He let my arm go, but I didn't step out. I was frozen and unable to walk away from him He was right, he was dead on. I didn't give him an option, he simply asked if I would. I saw my mistake and foolishness immediately. I wanted to scream that I trust him, that I would go and hold his hand if he needed. But I didn't. I failed him, I knew it and now he would leave to handle something so insane and frightening all alone. And sober.
Fuck!
"You said nothing except to confirm my worst fucking fear baby. You, like everyone else in my life, don't believe in me. It’s a damn good thing I didn't allow myself to be effected by silly notions or you'd have broke my heart just now."
"Noah.." I gasp and feel the tears burn my eyes. I reached for him, desperate to tell him I was scared and stupid and that, yes I do trust him but I am so very scared.
He brushed me off like I was a spider crawling on his arm, aggressive and proficient. "Kindly get the fuck out of my car."
My tears fall at his words as I step from his car, quietly closing the door and walking away I looked back in hopes he would let me tell him I am sorry and I was wrong. As I turned, I watched him peel out of the parking lot and his lights fade down Bander and far from me and the safety I could have given him, had I trusted myself to let him in.
Noah
The drive from Yorba Linda to the Men's correctional facility in Corcoran was just over three hours and I spent that time between feeling mildly justified and righteously pissed off. I knew better than to be a fool. It took Candey three years to crack me and have me bleeding love for her all over my world, I was a fool to think that in a few short months Bright could encompass my world and my heart so easily.
Trust was a lifeline to me. I lived and died by it and now it has once again destroyed any path other than hate. I had to destroy the hate, I had to place it where it belonged once and for all before it destroyed me.
I see my sister, beautiful and kind, loving and strong. I see her broken and ruining the things that are there to empower her over one mans hatred for his children. Tears burn my eyes as I finally feel the need to rage and fight back. I always took what he gave me to save her, and she did the same to save me. Neither one of us realizing the power it gave him. It was addictive, he would salivate at our fear.
Just over three years ago
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I ask and look at the man I want to kill. He had been bothering me trying to reach me for the last two weeks and I finally agreed. We were supposed to meet today, but not until later. Showing up at The Joint was balsy. My sister was a mere hundred yards from him and seeing him would break her, shatter her into a thousand tiny shards.
"I told you I would see you today. Your time didn't work for me. So I thought I would come see Caroline instead." Looking at him, an older clean cut version of myself, dressed to impress and intimidate in his Seattle PD uniform.
"You have no right to be here, and coming in this joke of a get up won't save you, you sick fuck!" My voice was shaking in anger and spit flew from my mouth as I choked on my hate.
"Oh. I'm just reminding you that I won't be ignored any longer and that you had better be at your little tattoo shop tonight."
Just the sound of his voice made me violent. "Don't threaten me you tired piece of perverted shit. I can ruin you with a phone call, kill me or Carrie and that shit will end up on the five o'clock news."
He laughs like the fucking prick he is and I swear to God if it wouldn’t humiliate us I would blast his abuse in that video across the world. "I know what goes on in Tattoo parlors Noah. I can have the cops checking in every day until that shop goes under after word gets out there's drug deals and other illegal activity going on there." He reaches for the hair on the back of my neck and twists hoping to cause me pa
in, unaware I am immune to his touch. "I'll never stop until you orphans are homeless."
"I'll be there you sick prick, but come near my sister again I'll fuckin gut you like the pig you are."
He laughed as he left and I puked when I saw his car pull out on the main street. I dialed up my old contact, my tried and true and told him to meet me at my shop in an hour. I faced that twisted fuck with a high unlike any I have ever had. I promised him my fealty to remain quiet if he remained far the fuck away. He agreed to sign at the trust meeting and I would keep my chamber of my .45 loaded in case he thought I trusted him and his word.
I only trusted one person on this earth and she was who I would die to protect.
Stepping foot in Corcoran, it wasn't what I expected. The waiting area was decent. I expected it to be dirty with gag taggings on the walls and scary looking people in line to see societies scariest. Instead I was greeted by Christine, a middle aged woman who definitely held that look of don't fuck with me, but still polite.
"So I don't think I am on the list to see an inmate but I spoke with my attorney about an hour ago and he should have faxed some paperwork over to give me for victims rights?" I ask as I hand her my ID and second form of identification.
"You're a victim?" She asks and scans my driver's license.
"Yes ma'am. Dear old dad is quite the fucker." I say it without an ounce of sarcasm and absolute brazen truth and watch as Christine laughs, whole heartedly at my statement.
She gathers herself and dries her eyes before taking her serious tone. "Well for victims rights we will review the documents and they will dictate guards who are present to avoid fear in contact."