by Emjay Soren
I lift Rylie’s car seat from the car and say hello to everyone as Carrie and Cassa steal Rylie from the seat.
The girls all shuffle inside as we hang out here in the lot chatting about nothing. I look to Shame, who is my oldest friend and there was no better choice to be Rylie’s Godfather. He and Cassa were approved to adopt Ella’s brother Mateo when he was three months old. Both kids were thriving and happy and Cassa was content as a mother. Shame was overjoyed knowing he gave her the world he promised.
Cassa and Jen had become extremely close after the attack. Cassa was there for her in a way none of us could be. She had been through enough dark shit to rile us all, and Cass was a master of shining bright through it.
Carrie was another confidant for Jen, having experienced rape. She referred her to a therapist she saw when she first met Chad and Jen went often at first and now as needed.
I look to Chad, who still carries the empty sadness of losing Harvey last month after a long fight with cancer. That loss was another heavy blow to us as he was Gramps to us all. Chad and Carrie wanted a big family and with the loss of Harvey it amped it. Last week they informed us that there would be a third Blake in the family. He had said he wanted his kids to never feel like they were alone when he and Carrie died one day. He suffers a loss that is profound since Harvey was all he had growing up.
We all have been there for him in this, Shame once again being the muscle that carries the burden. Shame like chad was an only child and has buried both parents. He understood the pain of being left alone.
I support his decision to build a big family, a strong one that is tight knit like we are.
Noah, well he is Noah. He plays guitar, tattoos, spoils his loves and chills. It is his way of life. He relishes Bright with affection and delivers her every need. She had now become a decent sized chain for the Brew with twenty stores spanning from Seattle to Los Angela’s. They spoil our kids knowing neither want their own. They married about a year ago in a ridiculous and opulent extravaganza that Noah promised her. The party was the shit though, Bright knew how to celebrate.
Raleigh was her Man of Honor and all the girls in some designer name of pink dresses. We guys were in Noah’s line. No Best man, just us in black tuxedos, pink ties and chucks.
I never thought I would wear pink shoes, but leave it to one of these girls to make that happen.
Raleigh had finally decided to use his gift with the gays and opened a safe haven in Seattle. We all invested in the mansion and helped get the best support in the house and Raleigh did what he did best. He helped these people find a place and a purpose in a world that still thought that gay was a choice.
He busted his ass helping people who were banished like him. He spent hours counseling them and helping them build lives of their own in the community. He couldn’t save them all though and over the last year he lost four friends to suicide… he remembers them and holds them close to his heart and they are what force him to work harder and save lives.
The kid is on a mission to save lives and change them. We as a band and our brand backed him, so did countless others. Lexington and I played a benefit show over Gay Pride weekend and packed the stadium. Lex is a hit with the guys, both gay and straight and her voice brought a ton of support.
Raleigh was nominated for a humanitarian award this spring, for his work in the gay community.
Everyone was where they should be. We had some hard shit hit us in life, some things we didn’t think we could survive, but we did and it was because of the support we have for each other.
This is my family. Tattooed, pierced, foul mouthed, bitchy and the bold. What can I say, we are thick as thieves?
The End
Acknowledgments
This book is 100% written for my readers and that they couldn’t get enough. Without the support and the overwhelming blessing of your understanding. I know that I don’t get them out fast enough and that my deadlines get pushed back and knowing you still have faith in me is the greatest blessing.
To Katie Pennell for her undying support when I need to vent and book talk. You always have an ear for me and the support means a ton.
To Jerame Sorenson for actually acting out the scene where Cal plays for Jenny. You are the best fake air piano and guitar player I know.
To my kids, my own and my add on’s. You guys are so understanding when mom says leave me alone I’m working.
To my Mom and Dad for always supporting this dream of mine.
To my sisters for helping me get through it all and always being the first to congratulate me.
To Insatiable Press for taking a chance on this Indie author and publishing my audio books.
For Sarah Hershman my agent, for busting ass to get me my book deal.
For Kysar…
You inspired Axe in so many ways.
Sometimes, the beginning is the toughest part and the rest is easy breezy.
I love you Kysar. I know that the toughest times will make you stronger!
And, to my characters. You guys are fun as hell to write. I will miss you, but see you from time to time in the PIT.
Playlist
Hurricane- Fleurie
Better Love- Hozier
Nothing compares 2U- Chris Cornell (RIP)
Stay- Thirty Seconds to Mars
Ordinary Love- Deftones
Until Then- Sully Erna
Don’t Deserve You- Plumb
Loser- 3 Doors Down
The River- Eminem
I Don’t Wanna Be In Love- Good Charlotte
Everything Changes- Staind
Walls- Kings of Leon
I’m on fire- Awolnation
Thunderstruck- AC/DC
Hail to the King- Avenge Sevenfold
Praying- Kesha
Better by Now- RITTUAL
Whatever it Takes- Imagine Dragons
Hands in the Sky- Straylight Run
Born for this- Royal Delux
Ruin- Shawn Mendez
Happier- Ed Sheeren
Summer Girl- Fleurie
Where’s my love- SYML
Can You Hold Me- NF feat Britt Nicole (This is the song that inspires Cal singing to Jenny at the complex near the end of the book.)
Copyright © 2020 by Emjay Soren. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Printed in the United States of America
First Printing, 2020
ISBN B08BTWML3K
Dedication
To all the real-life Chad Blake’s whoever and wherever you are. Without your sinful beauty, GQ bone structure and ability to make girls worldwide drool over you then we would never know longing, desire or even the dreaded crush. We wouldn’t know how to protect our hearts from the next Chad Blake, without knowing our own Chad existed. Chad Blake is everything men should be, even if at times a dirtbag. Because without you, I wouldn’t be here to write the story that catapulted my career. Thank you, Chad’s everywhere, for breaking my heart and the other Chads that put it back together. You are all a needed lesson in love.
Emjay
Acknowledgements
To every reader who fell in love with Chad Blake and begged me for seven years to write his side. This one is for you!
PS…Trust Me
Written by,
Emjay Soren
Prologue
Carrie
“Carrie, wake up.” I could hear Noah’s voice, just a whisper, but urgent enough to pull me from Candy Land dreams.
“Noah?” I asked, confused. Daddy was gonna be mad if Noah sneaked me out of the house again. I liked our late night ‘trust me’ walks. The nights we played ‘trust me’ I didn’t wake up scared from my daddy and his visits in the night. Daddy always got mad at Noah for taking me on ‘trust me’ walks. He always took Noah’s toys when we went on the walks, but Noah said he didn’t c
are ‘cuz he liked listening to music or TV more anyway. Daddy hurt Noah too, but Noah never talked about it.
“Come on, Sissy, we’re sneakin’ out for a walk tonight.” He had a toothy, mischievous grin on his face, but even in my little six-year-old mind I could see the fear in his eyes. I hated that look so I never questioned when he took me on the ‘trust me’ walks. The walks took that look away.
“Can I be trust this time, Bubba?” I asked while putting on my bunny slippers and grabbing Abby, my favorite doll.
“Sure, Sissy. What are we trusting tonight?” He asked as we snuck, quiet as mice, out his bedroom window.
Noah taught me this game sometime before I formed memories because I don’t remember learning it. I just always knew the game. “Let’s see…..” I yawned as we scurried through the backyard and over the fence that separated us from Mr. Johnson's house.
“The trust tonight is a world with flying cars. Every car we see, we pretend they are flying…” I paused to put together my trust world in my head. “The cars that are blue are the secrets we hid from each other this week, so tell them secrets for the blue ones, Bubba.” I giggled knowing he didn’t take the bus home from school this week but walked home so he could peek in the guitar store downtown. He didn’t know I knew, so I was excited.
“Ok, but the red cars are your secret cars.” He responded, finally slowing down after we entered the neighborhood a block over from ours. I nodded my agreement to his choice of color.
“Flying secret cars can only be stopped by yellow flying cars.” I chose yellow knowing there were no yellow cars in this neighborhood.
“Deal.” He said with a smile taking my hand and pointing at a blue car across the street. “Looks like I’m first, Sissy, what’ll the secret be tonight….” He tapped a finger on his lips like he was thinking, and I giggled.
“I know! I know!” I said a little louder than I should have. A dog started barking and Noah shushed me quickly.
“Quiet, Carrie! Jeez!” We stopped walking and waited for any sign that we were busted, but none came. Noah turned with a relieved smile. “Ok, what secret did I keep this week?”
I admitted to knowing about his skipping the bus and laughed. He was so busted. “I won’t tell though, Bubba, I swear.” I assured him in my most serious six-year-old voice.
“That’s because we never tell our secrets in ‘trust me’. That’s the point.” He points to a red car parked in the driveway of Carl Stanton’s house. He is a friend of my dad’s and I’m always nervous that one night he will catch us and tell Dad. We get quiet as we pass the Stanton house and jog quickly around the corner, both of us breathing in relief that we made it safely past his house without getting caught.
“That was a red car, Carrie, your turn. Tell me your secrets from this week.”
I hated getting to my turn. Bubba always made me tell him my secrets even if he knew them already. He said that was why we played ‘trust me’, so that we always knew, no matter what, that we could tell each other everything and then bad things wouldn’t happen.
I didn’t bother telling him that the bad things still happened. He knew they did, but he swore that by trusting each other and only each other that we would never feel alone when dad got a hold of us. He knew our touches were different. Daddy made Noah bleed when he would touch him. He was always using a belt or a shoe, pretty much anything he could to keep Noah scared of him and quiet. I knew it was my fault that Noah got beat up by Dad. If I hadn’t told him my secret all those times ago when I was small, then Noah wouldn’t have to get hit so much. That was when we started playing ‘trust me’ so much more. He said that we could tell our secrets to each other and we would be safe.
But I was only safe when Noah wanted to play ‘trust me’. When we would play, my dad wouldn’t sleep in my bed that night and make me show him my loves. But when we did play ‘trust me’, Daddy always beat on Noah the next day. Maybe I could help Noah if I stopped playing ‘trust me’.
“You know my secrets, Bubba.” I whispered. I couldn’t look at him when I said it.
He stopped and pulled me towards the school playground. I didn’t know we had walked so far. I was terrified we were gonna be found this far from home.
“Carrie, ‘trust me’ is our safe place remember? You tell me those secrets when we play, okay? Don’t be scared, Carrie, look at me. You’re safe, Carrie, you’re always safe with me. Trust me, okay? We get our secrets out and then we lock them up in the world with flying cars, so they don’t come home with us.”
His voice reminded me of how my friends’ daddies talk to them. Noah was sweet and loving and he made me feel safe. My daddy made my belly hurt when he talked soft to me. He was nothing like Noah. Noah loves me the right way.
“Daddy wanted lots of loves this week. More than normal. He said it’s because he misses Mommy and he can’t look at me without seeing her.”
Noah said a bunch of bad words. If I said those words, I would be eating a bar of soap for dinner. I looked at him stunned he dared say those words.
“I’m sorry, Bubba.” I cried. I was scared that Noah was going to be hurt by Daddy tomorrow. When Noah gets mad like this from my secrets, he always gets in big trouble with dad. Maybe it’s because he swears so much. I can’t help but think it’s my fault though. For some reason Daddy hates me and Noah being close, and he punishes Noah for that.
“It’s not your fault, Carrie!” He almost yells and I can see the fury and sadness in his eyes. Noah says I shouldn’t have to know what words like fury and sad and scared mean at my age, but like our game of ‘trust me’, I think I’ve always known those words. “Listen to me, Carrie. No matter what he says or what he does to either of us, it’s not your fault or mine.”
“I know, Bubba. I’m just sorry for my secrets always making you mad. Every time you get mad, Daddy hits you a lot.”
“It’s because I do bad things, Carrie. It’s not because of ‘trust me’. You need to trust me now, Carrie. Never tell Dad that we play ‘trust me’. Never. Okay?”
“I know, Bubba. I trust you.” I say as tears roll down my cheeks. Noah is the only person I trust. I know that if it weren’t for Noah, I would have to give Daddy a lot more loves. I make the decision that right here and now I am gonna stop telling Noah about the loves. I’m scared of what he will do to Daddy, but even more scared of what Daddy will do to him. “I’ll never tell him!” I vow, and grab Noah around the waist. I can give loves to Daddy more if he promises to stop beating on Noah. I’ll do anything to keep Bubba safe. Just like he always kept me safe.
*
By the time we made it home the sun was starting to come up and the sky was turning my favorite color of deep, dark purple. We snuck back through Noah’s window, Noah sliding in first before I heard him gasp. There was the sound of jostling and clattering like something had fallen.
“Noah, are you ok?” I asked in a loud whisper. He didn’t respond and I screamed as my dad’s face came through the window.
“Get in here now, Princess.” My dad demanded pulling me by my arm. He turned his anger on Noah immediately, hitting him in the face the same way they do on Noah’s combat games.
“I hate you!” Noah screamed at him, but Daddy just kept hitting him.
“Your little games don’t solve anything, Noah, they just piss me off more!” Daddy kicked Noah while he was on the ground and then Noah went silent and stopped moving. I could see him breathing so I hoped that he just fell asleep like he has before when Daddy hits him.
“Come with me, Caroline.” Daddy says. He called me Caroline and that means he’s mad and I must apologize when he gets loves now. I hate when he is mad.
I leave with Daddy because if I don’t or if I cry then he would get mad at Noah all over again. I walk past Noah and promise silently that I can get Dad to stop. I’ll tell Dad that I’ll stop playing ‘trust me’ if he leaves Noah alone.
Chapter One
Chad
Art, in every form is everythi
ng to me. I love to sing, play guitar and draw. The ability to create beauty in true ugliness has always been my saving grace. I never knew my mom, she died when I was born, and my dad was too big of a pussy to carry the weight alone and bailed out. He took his head off with a nine-millimeter with no thought or concern to me. I have lived with my gramps since the day of my birth. Heart disease took my mom and my grandma before I had the chance to know them, but gramps was the best person in my life. He raised me the way a single guy can. I understood women and games early on. I knew what a booty call was by the time I was ten, even if I didn’t really understand it. I also knew the value of a hard day’s work, saying grace before each meal and staying true to myself. I was taught to own my mistakes, to fight for what I believe in and to always make him proud.
At twenty-four I had made a name for myself. I was Chad Blake. Lead singer of Thick as Thieves, as well as the rhythm guitarist. I had a sweet spot at Slave to the needle, the tattoo shop on the pier. I had been there since I apprenticed at eighteen. I was set for the future, if it was tattooing or touring, I had my future in the palm of my hand and this summer was when I would get my girl.
Carrie Beckett.
Fuck, just thinking her name gets me hard as steel. Carrie is my bassist and best friend Noah’s, little sister. He never let me forget it either. My bandmates, Cal, Shamus and Noah were the brothers I never had. We had no secrets, so they all knew I had it bad for Carrie. Noah made it clear early on, that it would never happen. Hell, she was so young when I first started to feel her that even I agreed. I felt like a pervert wanting to kiss a fifteen-year-old girl when I was nineteen. I kept my thoughts intact and when thoughts turned to feelings, well that’s when I started hiding it from my boys. I learned then that some secrets were best left unheard.