by Emjay Soren
“I invented this game when she was like, I don’t know, four maybe. We called it trust me and the point was to create a world where everything was a lie except our truths. It’s how we coped and dealt with the abuse. We talked about it in a safe world of imagination. Picture a fantasy land that you couldn’t lie inside of.”
He looks at me first then Shame and Cal. “That’s why we talk with codes. It’s how we cut to the truth. No more fantasy lands where we are safe. We are jaded now, and trust is the one thing we didn’t let him take from us.”
“And now were grown up orphans that never knew their names…” Cal says quietly as the gravity of what Noah just told us hits us all.
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
If you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
I recall the song from the night of the bonfire and the look on Carries face and it desecrates me.
“I don’t want to go into specifics and probably never will. But I get it.” He looks at us now with a fierceness he has always possessed, but a newfound respect between us all. He told us what he could, and he was right earlier on the phone. No excuses, no bullshit. Noah had reasons for dealing with shit in his own fucked up way. Now, now he was asking us to help.
“I’m cool with details and cool without. Whatever works for you and keeps you away from toxic shit I am game for.” I say and mean every word as we do that man hug thing that’s half a fist bump half a hug.
They guys agree and I stay back a few to take it all in. I hear the party going on outside this bedroom door and know they want to celebrate our success. And I can’t move. I don’t know if I would be able to move past it all like Cal and Shame if Carrie wasn’t just as involved in my world as Noah.
I know the guys feel the same sickness and concern as I do, but we are men and we don’t prattle on with feelings and tears. We deal with shit differently, but hearing about my girls suffering… I know her strength is from Noah. I know he put her first and always has. He raised her, stepped up and did the hard work and she is fucking amazing.
I guess my sadness and disgust with it all is that outside of Carrie’s love for him… who the fuck was there for Noah?
*
I make my way out of the room and say hi to all our loyal ride or die fans and try to get my head in the game. Right now, I need to be the front man, the lead singer and Rockstar to my small hometown. I take a few seconds to chat up some friends and make my way to the kitchen.
I come up short when I see Carrie looking terrified. Noah see’s it too and immediately rushes to her as I fight through the crowd to get to her as well. I was content to let Noah take the lead here because I had no clue what had her freaking out biting her nails looking like she wanted to cry.
I get to the stairs on the back balcony when I hear Noah but can’t see him. I wait at the top to let him handle it. I’ll step in once I know it isn’t anything about the talk us guys had before. I don’t want her upset because of what he told us.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right fucking now, Sissy.” He had a hold of her wrist as he drug her away from the crowd.
“What the hell Noah, damn!” She hissed and yanked her arm from his grasp. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Color me curious, I wanted to know to. Did I miss something?
“It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you. I walk in the kitchen to get a beer and see you pale as a ghost and gnawing your thumb to the quick.” He spoke soft, like he was talking to a child without being condescending. “I see you like that and I react. What’s got you worked up?”
“It’s nothing, Noah. It’s between me and Chad and the insecurities I have seeing these fangirls and the way they are glaring at me since his little announcement at the show.”
Okay. What the fuck did I mis. I look over my shoulder to the crowd still in the kitchen and don’t see one of the usual mean Fangirls and wonder who fucked with her. But Noah and Carrie were getting louder and talking faster and I would find the bitchy fangirl later. I start making my way down the stairs, but a crowd has formed by the time I get to the bottom and they are yelling at one another.
“…I’m watching you struggle with this new world you’ve thrown yourself in, but you forget that this has been Chad’s world long before you came along. These are pussy parties, they’re all you can eat, and anything goes baby girl, I told you.”
Hol-eee fuck what did I miss?
“You’re gross, Noah.”
He laughed and opened his arms enjoying the crowd. I had a knot in my gut. I’m certain a fangirl got into her head, one I probably fucked before.
This might be the first time I wanted to curse my dick for causing me trouble. At the same time, what Noah was saying was true. She did need to see this world for what it was.
“No Carrie, I’m a guy, and this is heaven to me. You begged for this and swore you could take it. But I’m sitting here talking to my normally self-assured sister who is letting a bunch of fangirls get into her head.”
Fuck…knew it.
“You fought so hard to find your confidence and hold your head up high! It’s disappointing and makes me feel like a complete shit as a brother because I let you walk right on into this world.”
“Yeah I know, Candy seems to be struggling a bit too, in case you were wondering.” I cup my hands behind my neck wishing like hell she hadn’t said anything about Candy. I am learning really quick that Carrie does what she wants when she wants.
Noah looks pissed now that she brought Candy into it. “So! She knows what I’m down for, and she knows what these parties are about. And she can handle what she sees here.”
“Who are you trying to convince, Noah? I saw Candy tonight after she saw you with your face buried in God only knows whose crotch. Chad and I sent her home an hour ago in a cab after she completely broke down.” She stepped into his space and now I was pushing my way through. Shit went from 0 to 100 real fast with these two. If something needed to come to a head, it wouldn’t be in public.
They’d both hate themselves for it.
“I have stayed out of this thing between you and Candy because you both seemed to want the same things. I don’t know what your game is Noah, but I saw your texts to her, and you better have a good fucking reason for leading her on.”
Noah flares his nose as his eyes draw in and his voice is a warning. “Carrie, this is none of your business.”
She laughs with anything but humor as she folds her arms. “Just like me and Chad are none of yours? You seem to be full of helpful facts about you and Chad’s lifestyle, so let me help you out as well. Candy will never be ok with you wanting to branch out at pussy parties.”
It dawns on me. This is a sibling fight. One moving on, one hanging on.
He steps into her space just the same, a snide smile on his face. “You mean ok with it like you’re trying to be?” I want to break them up, but the entire party is out here and curious who the fuck has the balls to go at Noah.
He steps away from her and pulls at his hair in frustration. “You are so fucking aggravating!” He yells at her and you could hear a pin drop and the background music fade to silent.
“Me?” Carrie shrieks.
Noah grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her but not violently but still pissing me off equally. I was shutting this shit down. I wasn’t going to be the catalyst to this fight.
“Yes, you!” He yells. “You act like this is about me and Candy when you know it’s not! You think I like you seeing this? That I’m ok with you wanting to jump into a relationship with a guy you are nowhere near ready for? I have fought tooth and fucking nail to keep you clean from how fucked up I am. Jesus Carrie, I swore to protect you and keep you clean because you deserved it.”
I froze, out o
f fury or disgust I didn’t know, but the crowd went from watching them to looking at me. Now… now I was content to let them at each other. There was no respect for me as their friend and no respect for me as her boyfriend.
“Noah. I deserve this life because it is an amazing one. We fought for it together, Noah, and you’re right I wouldn’t be the woman I am without you fighting for what was best for me.”
“What’s best for you?” He scoffed. “You think sneaking around with Chad Blake is what’s best for you?”
Oh, mother fucker. I’ll fucking kill him if he goes there.
“I’m not sneaking….”
He cut her off and I stood there shocked as I watched the train wreck.
“You act like I ain’t watching every fucking move you make with him? I know you were here long before you walked in. I know where you were, but I also know you’re an adult and while I may not approve, I let you have your fun. That’s what I fucking know!”
I clench my fists when Shame and Cal come up from behind me, both putting a hand on my shoulders.
“Not here.” Shame whispers.
“You gotta let this play out and we do damage control after. Stopping it will cause a fucking war, bro.” Cal says, and I know he is right. Noah is a psycho over Carries safety, fuck we get it now. If we try to intervene it’ll be a fist fight soon enough. Regardless of who hits first, the entire party will jump in.
“…I’m trying to let you go and do your thing, but it’s pretty fucking hard when your thing involves Chad, because I know very fucking well what his thing is!”
“Calm Chad.” Cal says beside me as he holds my shoulder tighter. Of all of us Cal is the big guy, the one who will fuck you up. And he would hit me if I needed it. Hearing Noah say that about me…I was done trying to prove my worth to him.
“And what, you assume I’m stupid enough to roll over and fuck him because he sang to me? Let’s not forget I have been fucked more times and more ways than probably any of the fangirls here. Hell, I could probably give them pointers! Do you think I’m that shallow or easy because that’s what you’re implying!” I could feel the shock and the horror of both Cal and Shame with what she just yelled.
Nobody in this crowd knew what we knew and like a series of horrific nightmare….I put the pieces together.
Her dad…
He…
“Oh, how fucking dare you, Caroline Jane?” Noah roared and was in a full-blown rage now. Shame stepped from my side and pushed his way to the front of the crowd in case he needed to intervene now.
Yeah, it was that bad.
“Do.Not.Call.Me.That!” She spat and like the wreck it was I just stood there in total shock with no thoughts but one.
“He raped her. Her dad fucking raped her.” I mumble to myself, but Cal heard me.
“Yeah dude, I think so.”
They just carried on blind to their words, too furious at one another to see what just transpired.
“Well then, which is it, Noah? I’m either stupid or I’m a whore. I’ve been both at one time or another, so pick one and leave me alone!”
“You’re neither, and that’s the point, Carrie. You do not belong here. Only stupid women think they belong here, and all the women here are whores!”
He was right, but the truth was irrelevant here. I don’t even know what this fight is truly about.
“You’re right Noah, I am neither. And the fact remains that my boyfriend is here, and I will be leaving with him.”
“Then I guess I was wrong. You do belong here!”
She slapped him. It all happened so fast. Shame rushed in on Noah at the same time I rushed to Carrie, Cal on my heels. She spun away from Noah and right into my arms, but my eyes were on Noah. I wanted his blood and he knew it the minute he saw my face.
“Don’t, Chad, just don’t. Take me home, please.” She tugged at my hand and I didn’t budge at first. I wanted to choke him for this entire scene.
They embarrassed me. Insulted me. I wanted blood.
“Go man. You’ve waited to long for Carrie to lose it all now. Shame and I got this.” Cal pushed me to Carrie, who I followed dropping her hand as I punched any surface I could on the way out.
*
Chad
I didn’t know what to think on the way to her house. I didn’t know who was more pissed, but I would place bets on me. By the time we made it to the boathouse out back from her house she paced, as I sat with shaking hands.
Cal and Chad better have a handle on Noah because if he comes through that door it’ll be on and I’ll possibly lose everything.
This shit between he and I had gone from uncomfortable to unbearable to pure fucking rage in a single God damned day.
“I feel like I should say sorry.” She mumbles pacing in front of me.
Of all the shit that transpired tonight, I had to scoff at that. “Sorry? What for?” I couldn’t look at her as I stood to look through the cupboards for the fishing whiskey we stole as kids. I took the Old Crow and a glass to the little table and sat on the opposite side of the room and drank.
She makes her way to me like a timid doe in a forest of wolves and I realize she is scared. I drink more hoping for a calm that isn’t coming.
“I guess it depends on how much you heard.” She cups my cheek until I look at her, her sad eyes tear through my anger and I sit confused on what I feel.
“All of it.” I admit. “I saw him pull you out when he saw how freaked you were. I saw it too, but figured I’d just follow him and make sure you were ok.”
She drops her hand and reaches for the Old Crow.
“Well, I’m sorry for a shit ton of things then.” She says and gulps the whiskey.
Ugh, wrong move baby.
“Don’t gulp whiskey, babe. You sip it or shoot it, but never gulp it.” I pour her another glass and sit back watching her sip it.
“Well I’m not too experienced in the drinking field.”
“Well, that’s something I guess.” I smirk at the irony of her experience as the words from earlier replay in my mind.
‘“I am curious, would you have rolled over and fucked me for that serenade?” I sound like a vengeful dick and I know it, but tonight was a lot to take in and I am furious at it all.
“Chad, I didn’t mean it like that. I was making a point to Noah that I’m not as clueless as he thinks I am.”
“So, what? You think I serenade every girl I meet? That or I thought maybe it would be a guaranteed way into those sweet panties of yours?” I stood up and moved to the couch but couldn’t sit. I look at the ceiling to avoid her sad eyes. The difference in my anger at them both is that Noah knows how I feel about Carrie and Carrie doesn’t know what he told me or what I have figured out on my own.
“Regardless of what you think of me in this minute, Carrie, Noah is fully fucking aware of how deep I’m into you. He knows that I don’t know the names of probably ninety percent of the women I fuck, but that your name is the sweetest word to ever leave my lips. He absolutely knows that I have never given a serenade”- I look at her then so she understands exactly why I am upset. “And I can damn well guaran-fuckin-tee you both that I never will again.”
“Chad…” She pauses, my name on her lips as her eyes fill with tears. I don’t want to make her cry, but I am sick of being valued as a piece of trash. This could very easily be the end of us.
I won’t be punished for my past, especially when I accept theirs with devout support for them both.
“I will never be a fangirl Chad. Seeing them there tonight it scared me. Noah was trying to prove a point by being a dickface and I was trying to be aloof and cool about you and I. No! I wouldn’t roll over because of a serenade but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave you all the same. I loved that serenade because it was mine. It’s that simple!”
I nod and close my eyes confused by it all.
“There are so many things wrong with that display between you and Noah that I can’t even begin to understand. Part of
me wants to leave and not look back.” I admit, shaking my head because I know I’m not ready to walk away. “The other part begs me not to leave your side.”
“Listen to that side Chad. Please don’t leave me.” She cries and like that, I knew I loved her. I suspected it, figured it was love after her birthday last year. Seeing her now, telling me to choose her… I fucking love the girl.
“I know that you and Noah have a horrible past Carrie and I wish like hell you would trust me and tell me about it. I can see it, everyone can. You guys move in sync with each other. You talk in code with fucking trust, or trust Me’s and Alice In Chains music holds some major fucking value to both your lives. I want to know why Carrie.” I stop and swallow a few times, needing her to hear me right now. “I have to know because it scares me and pisses me off at the same time.”
I feel her hand on my back as she rubs it in gentle strokes. “Chad I am not against telling you because of some difficulty it may cause me or because I feel shamed or scared. I have these holes inside of me that I dug to keep myself sane. Noah has holes too and we are all that can fill those holes with something other than cold and hate. Our pasts are not equal in torture they are only similar because of the torturer.”
She cups my cheek again and I follow as she looks me in the eyes as her own tears fall. “I don’t tell these secrets because there isn’t a point to them. My past is ugly and depressing and a lifetime ago I care to forget. I cannot stomach seeing a look on your face. I don’t ever want to see you sad for me Chad.”
I look away and cough, fucking think of unicorns…anything to keep from crying. I pull her to me and just hold her, wanting to carry the burden for her. I cup her face in my hands and look at her, tears welled in my eyes and it is what it is.
If she hurts, then I hurt.
“Baby I’m pretty sure I have your secrets figured out already. I could never look at you with anything less than desire and… fuck Carrie…I...”
I pause because I want to tell her I love her…I want to tell her I know her secrets.