by Claire Frost
She’d been pretty pleased with her answer, but she noticed Elaine’s face had become quite intense. ‘Oh, I do hope so. Phil and I are looking forward to all that the future brings, aren’t we, Phil? Of course, we love Melissa’s Michaela to distraction, but when they told us those dogs are the only babies they were ever going to have, well, your heart sinks, doesn’t it?’
Hannah smiled politely, but her internal monologue went into overdrive. Was Toby’s mum really pushing for grandchildren during their first Sunday lunch together? Not even Joan would be so insensitive and unthinking as to say that. Her thoughts were interrupted by Elaine continuing her speech.
‘And how are your plans for moving in together coming along? Have you discussed what area you’re going to live in yet? Obviously it needs to be somewhere close to your work, Toby. I always worry about how tired you must be from all that commuting.’
Hannah was well aware it only took him around half an hour to get into the office, but she bit her tongue and looked at Toby for a reply.
‘There’s no hurry, Mum,’ he said after a short silence. ‘You know how full-on things are for me at work, and Hannah has a lot on too, so we just need to find some time when we’re both not quite so busy.’
‘Of course, Toby, of course,’ his mum replied. ‘I don’t know how you do it, I really don’t. Now, I know you’re probably not thinking about Christmas yet, but as you’re both so busy I want you to know that nobody expects you to host the big day just because you’re married, so we wanted to invite you here for the festivities. You could come on Christmas Eve and then stay as long as you like!’
‘Thanks, Mum, that’s really kind,’ Toby replied, reaching for Elaine’s hand. Hannah presumed he would follow up with something along the lines of ‘But we haven’t had a chat about what we’re doing over Christmas as yet, so let us come back to you once we know our plans.’
But no. Instead, he said, ‘We would love to come here for Christmas, wouldn’t we, Hannah? Dad always does the best turkey and trimmings.’
‘Well, I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, but—’
‘Phil, you know you make the best Christmas dinner this side of the Pennines!’ Elaine tittered. ‘Hannah, we’ll have to get you your own stocking to hang next to Toby’s – we’ve still got his from when he was a boy, you know. And, who knows, in a year’s time, we might even need another wee stocking!’
Hannah smiled along then excused herself to go to the bathroom. She locked the door firmly and stared at her flushed face in the mirror. How could Toby sit there and let his parents say those things? The way they were going, it would have to be a bloody immaculate conception for Phil and Elaine to end up with any grandchildren running round the Christmas tree. Never mind the fact she was hoping to spend Christmas soaking up the Aussie sun. What had Toby been thinking agreeing to it all there and then? She gritted her teeth and tried not to let the tears of frustration fall.
A few minutes later, although she could barely bring herself to go back to the table, she knew she’d been in her in-laws’ bathroom a suspiciously long time. Taking a deep breath, she made her way downstairs again. Phil’s large form emerged from the kitchen just as she was passing.
‘There you are, Hannah!’ he boomed. ‘I was just getting us a top-up of wine. It’s so great to have you here.’ His volume dropped a little as he continued. ‘I’m sure you know, Toby has had a tough time of it the last few years, and to see him so happy with you is brilliant. That’s all you want as parents: to see your kids happy and healthy. So we’re over the moon that you two have found each other – even if it was all a bit unorthodox! But we’re pleased he’s now settling down and getting the chance to have the future he always wanted. Welcome to the family, Hannah!’ He enveloped her in a hug, and she had no choice but to pat his back and smile as he led her into the dining room again.
She endured another two hours of talk about Toby’s childhood prowess on the guitar and how it was a shame he’d not played in so long, before she was able to get Toby to notice her ‘don’t we need to be getting back?’ signs, and another half an hour before they were able to extract themselves with promises to come for dinner in a couple of weeks.
‘Well, it’s safe to say Mum and Dad loved you!’ Toby grinned when they were back in the car and had safely pulled away from his waving parents.
‘They’re nice,’ Hannah said, because the truth was they were nice – but just far too full-on, given the situation. ‘They obviously care about you so much.’
‘And you too, now.’ He beamed. ‘It was kind of them to invite us for Christmas. Especially when they said that we don’t need to lift a finger.’
‘Yes,’ Hannah agreed. ‘But I wish you’d not accepted their invitation without asking me first. Dee has asked me to go to Australia for Christmas and it’s going to be amazing!’
‘Well, that does sound great, but maybe we can do it next year. It’s important for us to put down roots here like Mum and Dad said, and we can be near both our parents if we stay local.’
‘I see my parents all the time, but I haven’t seen Dee in years. Christmas in the sunshine will be so relaxing and exactly what I need after such a stressful few months.’
‘But Mum and Dad are expecting us now,’ Toby said, his tone implying he thought that was the end of the discussion.
‘No, they’re expecting you,’ Hannah said, shaking her head. ‘I can’t be cooped up in this country all the time. Other than the honeymoon, which doesn’t really count, I haven’t been anywhere all year. It’s crazy and it’s not like me at all.’
‘But don’t you want to spend Christmas together? What do you mean our honeymoon doesn’t really count?’ Toby signalled left off the roundabout and accelerated hard onto the motorway.
‘I just mean it wasn’t like proper travelling, that’s all, don’t twist my words.’
‘I wasn’t, I was just trying to understand.’
‘And I’m trying to understand why you let your parents sit there and say all those things about us having their grandchildren when we’ve never even had sex, let alone discussed having kids, for god’s sake!’
Toby looked confused. ‘Well, you always talk about how much you adore Leo and love spending time with him, so I presumed that’s what you’d want too. Is that wrong?’
It wasn’t lost on Hannah that he failed to address her mention of nothing happening in the bedroom. ‘It’s wrong that we’ve never actually discussed it and your parents sat there and practically ordered us to get reproducing!’
‘Hannah, that’s not very fair, they’re just excited, that’s all.’
‘At the moment they seem more excited about our relationship than we do, that’s for sure.’
‘No one’s saying we need to have kids right this minute. Just calm down.’
‘Don’t tell me to calm down!’ Hannah could feel all her frustration rising into her chest. ‘You’re the one who won’t talk about anything. We haven’t even discussed what happened at your place, never mind talked about how we’re both feeling about our marriage.’
‘Look, it’s hard for me, Hannah.’
‘It’s hard for me too. We all have baggage, Toby,’ she exploded. ‘You don’t get to do the poor bereaved fiancé act for ever.’
Toby visibly recoiled and shrank into his seat, but although Hannah immediately regretted what she’d said, the red mist had descended.
‘It’s not like you’ll even speak to me about it. Neither of us are perfect, Toby, but at the moment it feels like you’re living in make-believe land where everything is shiny and rosy between us. And it’s just not the case. It really isn’t. I’m starting to think I might have made the biggest mistake of my life saying “I do”.’
Toby flicked his head to stare at her, before returning his eyes to the road, and didn’t utter a word. Hannah had shocked herself into silence too, but her last sentence continued to choke the air in the car like a noxious gas. They pulled up outside her flat and not knowin
g what else to do, Hannah reached for her bag and the door handle. ‘Look, Toby, I—’
‘Save it, Hannah.’
She looked across at him, saw the set of his mouth and got out of the car. As she fumbled in her bag for her key, she half-thought he might open his door and come after her, but instead he performed a perfect three-point turn and drove back down the road away from her flat and away from her.
Chapter 22 Jess
Tom’s reaction to the news Jess was going away on her own for a week had been pretty much what she had predicted: disbelief, followed by the realisation he would have to look after the twins on his own, followed closely by anger that she was actually serious.
However, she’d found it much harder to tell the twins. As they were snuggling down into their duvets, she’d gently mentioned that she was going away for a few days.
‘Is it for work?’ Sam had asked, wide-eyed.
‘Yes, some of it,’ she’d fudged, which seemed to satisfy her son and she’d given him a soft kiss on his cheek and stroked the top of his head.
‘But who will make us our packed lunches?’ Lily had demanded.
‘Dad is still going to be here – I’m not leaving you on your own, darling, don’t worry,’ she’d said, smiling.
‘Dad doesn’t know how to make sandwiches properly. Last time he put too much butter on them,’ she’d complained. ‘And he is rubbish at French plaits. You’re nowhere near as good as Chloe’s mum at them, but Dad is another level of rubbish.’
‘I’m sure he’ll learn,’ Jess had soothed. ‘It’s time for sleep now, Lils. Sweet dreams, my darling, and see you in a few days.’
That night she’d hardly slept, tossing and turning, wondering whether she was doing the right thing. She still hadn’t allowed her mind to replay Tom’s furious speech to her in the rain, but that hadn’t stopped her from worrying what might happen while she was away. The house would likely go to rack and ruin, the kids would probably end up malnourished, and who knew what Tom might get up to. Perhaps he would get a babysitter – probably some sixteen-year-old neither of them had ever met – and go out for a night on the lash. He could bring anyone back to their bed and if she wasn’t there she’d never know. A small part of her brain had known that 3 a.m. catastrophising was unhealthy, but she hadn’t been able to stop herself.
She’d still been awake when her alarm went off three hours later. She’d told Tom she’d leave early to catch the train to the Lakes so she didn’t disrupt the twins getting ready for school. As quietly as she could, she’d had a shower, got dressed and packed her remaining toiletries into her bag. She’d looked in on both the kids, blew them silent kisses and tiptoed downstairs. The sun was just starting to rise as she’d made her way to the train station, and, despite the freezing air, the sight of the trees shedding their jewel-coloured leaves with the golden glow of the rising sun behind them had unexpectedly made Jess’s heart soar. Her spirits had continued to lift as she’d walked away from her house and daylight had filtered ever more strongly through the branches. Even her train being delayed for fifteen minutes hadn’t shaken the strange new sense of optimism she’d felt as she sat on the platform bench visualising herself lying in a huge bath full of bubbles reading a book without any interruption from shrieking kids, or sitting in a teashop sipping Earl Grey and slathering clotted cream onto jam-laden scones, without even a whimper of ‘M-um, my hot chocolate is too hot!’.
In that moment, she’d wondered what she’d been worried about last night. Tom would be far too exhausted from looking after the twins to even contemplate going out for a pint, never mind a whole night down the pub. After making their breakfast, school lunch and tea, plus copious snacks to combat the seemingly continuous plaintive ‘but I’m hu-ungry!’ moans, one drink would likely knock him straight out and he’d be asleep on the sofa by 9 p.m., rather than having a lock-in down the pub.
Now, sitting on the train from Manchester Piccadilly to Oxenholme, coffee in hand, she wondered if it was horrible of her to feel pleased that Tom was about to experience what she felt twenty-four/seven. She decided it was nothing less than he deserved.
Finally, in the safety of the almost-empty train carriage, she felt calm enough to examine Tom’s accusations from the day before. How dare he say she was more interested in showing off about the kids than she was in actually appreciating their abilities; how dare he say that she valued a tidy home over their happiness; and how dare he say that she cared about herself more than she did about the twins, and just wanted to control them all. She knew she would never forget the vitriol with which he’d spoken to her and the utter derision that had flashed across his face when he’d torn into her. The intensity had reminded her of their argument in the restaurant when Tom had said she was putting the business before her family. Now he was saying she was putting her desire for her children to succeed ahead of him. She just couldn’t win.
She and Tom had argued in the past – Jess knew it was impossible to be with someone for twenty years and not disagree on things. But the last ten months had felt different. Even when they’d disagreed, it had always felt like she and Tom were on the same side, no matter what. Now, she wasn’t so sure. A tiny voice in her head told her that there might not be a way back from everything they’d said to each other. But a future without Tom was unthinkable. Wasn’t it?
As the train trundled through Preston, she couldn’t help but remember what Hannah had always said about how miserable she and Scott had been hearing their parents argue constantly throughout their teens. John and Joan had stayed together out of a sense of duty to their children, but in doing so had been the cause of their unhappiness. Even thinking about Sam and Lily’s little faces crumpled in horror at the sight of her and Tom shouting at each other made Jess scrunch up her eyes to stop the tears from falling. She’d been gone less than two hours and already she missed them.
As her mind whirred with visions of shared custody and maintenance payments, and her heart raced with fear and anxiety about what the future might hold, she looked out of the window and noticed the hard, industrial cityscapes give way to soft green fields and lush hills, and her brain seemed to calm. She began to push away the negative thoughts and concentrate on the next few days. Soon she would arrive at the beautiful B&B and be able to hear the lapping of the water on the lake shore, the gentle sounds of animals in the fields and the light tap of walking poles on the uneven paths.
A few hours later, and after leaving her suitcase at the B&B, she’d filled up her water bottle, shoved her waterproof into her small rucksack and jumped on a steamer that took her on a glorious trip around the huge lake. As she gazed out across the vast expanse of water, she wondered why she and Tom didn’t bring the kids here more often. Back in the earlier, pre-children days of their relationship, they’d loved spending whole weekends in the summer climbing the peaks around Derwent Water or scaling the heights of Scafell Pike, then coming straight back and settling into a pub for the evening, muddy walking boots and all. It had felt like they didn’t have a care in the world and that they had their whole lives ahead of them – together. Since having the twins, they’d been caught up in a whirl of play dates and parties, and even during the long, long summer holidays, they had rarely ventured the ninety minutes up the M6 to introduce Sam and Lily to some of their favourite places.
Jess’s heart ached for those simpler times, and deep in her chest she felt a stab of pain for what she and Tom had been then compared to what they were now. She pulled out her phone to send him a text, but there was no signal in the middle of the lake. Part of her was pleased she wasn’t able to cave and tell him she was missing him; the other part of her looked at the Insta-perfect photo of him with his arms round the twins on the lock screen of her phone, and longed to be part of their embrace.
* * *
That evening, she installed herself and her book in a cosy corner of the pub just down the road from her B&B, and after staring hungrily at the smiling couple’s food on the next table
, ordered herself chicken pie and chips, as well as a large glass of red wine. She had just finished her epic meal and was wiping red cabbage from around her mouth when a shadow loomed across her table and uttered the dreaded words,
‘Is anyone sitting here – do you mind if I join you?’
She minded very much, but was obviously too British to say so. ‘Erm, sure, if there’s nowhere else.’ She cursed herself for not having invented a friend to be waiting for. All she wanted was to leisurely enjoy her second glass of wine while reading her book – was that really too much to ask?
Apparently so.
‘I’m Simon, by the way,’ the man said, plonking his beer on the table and holding out his hand. ‘But everyone calls me Si.’
‘Hi,’ Jess said, shaking his hand for as short a time as she could get away with. Then seeing he was still standing and was obviously waiting for her to return the introduction, she reluctantly added, ‘I’m Jess,’ before smiling briefly and looking down pointedly at her book.
‘I’m working for a client up here for the week,’ Simon said, settling himself into his chair and glancing at not one, but two phones, and placing them both screen-up on their table. ‘Are you here for business or pleasure?’
‘Both. I have a meeting up here and I needed a few days away in the fresh air,’ she said, then cursed herself for volunteering information that could invite more conversation. Not that Simon seemed to need an invitation anyway.
‘A relaxing trip to the Lakes. Perfect.’ He grinned. ‘Well, you seem to have brought the good weather with you – it didn’t actually rain at all today, which must be some kind of record up here, I think.’
‘Do you come here often then?’ she asked, before realising how her comment sounded and laughing. ‘I mean, are you up here on business a lot?’
‘I’ve been speaking to you for two minutes and already you’re propositioning me!’ He smirked. ‘But to answer your question, yes, I’m up this way a fair amount. I’m an accountant and I’ve been doing some work for a small chain of outdoor shops based in the Lakeland area. It’s not the most exciting of jobs, granted, but it does mean my company put me up in a nice hotel and I get to spend some time in the fresh air, as you put it.’