But I get why you’re worried. And I get the impression it’s less about this particular Simon-on-crack email (god, the ghost pun), and more about the email he hasn’t replied to. I’m reading between the lines a little, maybe, but Leah . . . you don’t feel like you pushed Simon into an unprecedented downward spiral, right? I don’t care what you wrote in that email. If Simon’s depressed or spiraling or confused right now, that’s because of whatever chemical or situational stuff he’s dealing with. Maybe both! And yeah, I think it’s a good idea to keep checking in on him, but don’t let this haunt you, okay (or “overly haunt” you—wtf does that even mean, Simon? Is there some known acceptable haunting level? SMDH, truly, what are we going to do with that boy??).
Okay, shifting gears for a second, because as you may have noticed, it’s February 11th, which means you and I desperately need to talk about the big VD (NOT the big venereal disease, Burke, don’t even try me). So here’s the deal, my cynical misanthrope of a girlfriend: I hereby challenge you to a single round of Valentine Cliché Bingo.
The rules are as follows:
On February 13th, each participant will work privately to create one (1) traditionally structured Bingo card, featuring five rows and five columns, for a total of twenty-five squares. Then (with the exception of the Free Space in the center) participants will fill in each square with a written description of one Valentine’s Day cliché. This may be a gift, tradition, activity, or phrase (for example: “a dozen red roses,” “candlelit dinner,” “be my valentine,” etc.). All twenty-four squares must contain different clichés, and the items will be chosen and arranged at the participant’s discretion.
THE PARTICIPANTS MUST REFRAIN FROM RE-VEALING THEIR BINGO CARDS TO EACH OTHER FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE GAME. THIS IS OF CRITICAL, MONUMENTAL IMPORTANCE.
On February 14th, beginning at 8:00 a.m. EST, the participants (with no knowledge of the twenty-four items listed on each other’s Bingo cards) will engage in Valentine-themed clichés for the duration of the day. The goal for both participants will be to engage in a cliché listed on the other participant’s Bingo card.
If a participant enacts a cliché listed on the other participant’s card, the cardholder MUST mark off the item as complete. (So, for example, if Participant A’s square reads “a dozen red roses,” and Participant L presents Participant A, in real life, with a dozen red roses? Participant A must mark off that square on her Bingo card).
If either participant marks off five squares in a row, in any orientation (vertical, horizontal, or diagonal), this means the OTHER participant has successfully achieved Bingo. The cardholder must immediately notify the other participant of her Bingo status, thus ending the game.
So here’s the deal: If you win, I’ll agree to make precisely zero Valentine’s Day–themed posts on social media for the entire day. But, Leah, if I win? You’re posting a picture of every fucking teddy bear and piece of chocolate I give you.
So, Valentine, do you accept these terms?
(God, I can’t wait to watch Competitive Leah and Cliché-Avoidance Leah war it out all over your beautiful face.)
xoxo,
Abby
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: FEB 15 AT 9:13 PM
SUBJECT: RE: DID YOU SEE THIS?
RIGHT??? IT’S SO WEIRD. Do you think she got hacked?? Or possessed? Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty freaking cute, but Leah Burke Instagramming her Valentine’s Day haul is the freshman year plot twist I didn’t see coming.
Anyway, I’m fine. It just sucked doing Valentine’s Day over FaceTime. Which is ridiculous, because I don’t even care that much about Valentine’s Day! Being apart on our anniversary was definitely worse. But it’s all kind of cumulative, I guess. I just miss you on top of missing you on top of missing you.
But I’m trying SO hard. I had a snowball fight with both Jacobs, and I’ve crashed every single one of Rachel and Liza’s a cappella rehearsals. I’ve been grabbing lunch after psych every day with Skyler. I’m watching every weird fucking horror movie Kellan puts on, and I’m playing violent video games with Jocelyn (even though she keeps killing me right when I respawn, she’s so ruthless). I guess it all seems so trivial when I write it out like that. But I don’t really know what else to do. If I’m going to be here, I should try to be here, you know? I have to let it be my real life.
I don’t know, B. I guess I’m figuring some stuff out.
But Bram, I want to know everything you’re up to. I want to know if you’re making snowmen, and stargazing, and eating barbecued dinosaurs, and watching weird performance art with Ella and Miriam, and befriending more makeup gurus. I want you to tell me every detail of your soccer games so I can nod along and pretend I understand what scrimmages and corner kicks are. Just be happy, okay? I want you to miss me, and think about me, and be in love with me, and be happy.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: FEB 16 AT 11:10 AM
SUBJECT: RE: DID YOU SEE THIS?
Dear Jacques,
You know, I always forget your emails have the ability to take my breath away.
I’m so bewildered by it. It’s just symbols and white space, and it’s affecting my basic biological functions. I think your keyboard must have some kind of direct link to my brain.
That last sentence.
Simon, let me be clear: I miss you. I think about you. I’m in love with you. Happiness is a shifting variable, but those are my constants.
I think you’re right to carve out a Real Life at school. That’s the healthy thing, right? I’m trying, too, though I don’t know if my Real Life is as exciting as you’re imagining. No snowmen so far, and I don’t know that stargazing is a thing in Manhattan. ☺ But I’m hanging out a lot with Ella and Miriam, and they are most certainly roping me into ALL the weird performance art. I don’t know if I’d say I’ve befriended Alec, but we’ve grabbed dinner a few times, and he keeps offering to do my makeup. Simon, how do I tell a beauty guru with half a million followers that I’m into makeup like the Pentecostal Church is into makeup? But I bet he’ll give you Troye Sivan eyes when you’re here in March, if you want (I promise I’ll wear my soccer knee socks for you if you do). You know everyone here is desperate to meet you, right?
And I don’t know what you’re figuring out, Simon, but if you ever need to talk it through, I’m all yours. But you know that.
And I miss you on top of missing you on top of missing you too.
Love,
Blue
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: MAR 8 AT 4:17 PM
SUBJECT: RE: HELLO, SUNSHINE!!
Abby, I’m a DISASTER—I can’t believe I’m writing back to you a month late. I know. I know we’ve texted and WhatsApped a zillion times since then, but ugh, I’m still so sorry. And here you had so many really lovely questions for me that are all wildly out of date. But in case you’re for some reason still wondering: The rest of winter break was really good! Bram and I mostly just holed up at his mom’s house (strategic avoidance of the famous Jack and Emily Spier mortification two-punch). I did get back to Philadelphia safely on January 22nd. ☺ And yup, I know what I’m taking this semester (probably a good thing, seeing as the semester’s almost halfway over at this point, because I’m a jerk who takes a month to answer basic freaking questions).
Anyway, I’m on a train!! To New York!!! And I’m staying for a full week, during which I will be an EXEMPLAR of independence and self-restraint as Bram conquers midterms. And then he’s coming back with me to Philly. I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, ABBY. Every time anyone looks at me, I start smiling (and for the record, if you ever want a bunch of northerners to give you *lots* of extra space on a train, that’s the way to do it).
But you guys have early spring break like me, right? When do you leave for DC? I’m so excited Leah’s comin
g with you!! This will be her first time meeting the twins, right? And Xavier? I know Nick enjoyed meeting them (except the part where your cousin Cassie threatened to disembowel him if he ever hurt you. Apparently she was very convincing?). Okay, I’m guessing you don’t need recommendations for stuff to do, but Kellan wants me to tell you there are some really good Edgar Allan Poe attractions in Baltimore. So if you’re in the mood for learning about Edgar Allan Poe and driving up to Baltimore, there’s . . . that?
Okay, pulling into Penn Station! Safest travels to you guys, and please send lots of pics, and say hi to the Obamas for me if you see them??
Love,
Simon
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 8:39 AM
SUBJECT: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
So . . . I was going make a vlog for you guys, but there were profound technical difficulties (i.e., I woke up with what one might call a “Big Apple”–sized zit). But alas, onward! I am switching this spectacle over to the group email chain, and guys, City Boy Spier is about to take you on the tour of a lifetime. ARE YOU READY?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 8:48 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Bram kicked you out so he could study for finals, didn’t he?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 8:52 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
My reasons for embarking on this adventure are of little importance. Alas, the journey begins!!!
First stop, as you see, is an extremely grand church on the Upper West Side, which may in fact actually be Hogwarts. But I’m afraid I can’t confirm this, seeing as it doesn’t open until nine. Alas, I am attaching a photo of the exterior and heading to the subway, where the journey must continue.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 8:59 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
You . . . realize you sent that email at 8:52, right?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 9:15 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Okay gang, who’s in charge of counting how many times Spier says “alas”??
Sent from G-money’s iPhone
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 9:46 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
ALAS. Next stop is the most delicious smelling place my nose has ever experienced, the famous Levain Bakery. I have just procured a dark chocolate chocolate-chip cookie (which, per my extensive research, is the most desirable flavor). I have also procured a dark chocolate peanut-butter chip cookie, for Bram-related reasons. I will now photograph the dark chocolate chocolate-chip cookie (see attached), and will report back momentarily on its flavor.
And . . . I am delighted to report that my research is absolutely fucking correct. Folks, this is Oreo-level greatness.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 10:19 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
And by “extensive research,” you mean you saw it in a young adult novel, right?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 10:22 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
It was a very thick young adult novel.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected],
DATE: MAR 11 AT 10:28 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Simon, I’m loving these updates!! The Cathedral Church of Saint John the Divine is so beautiful, isn’t it? I actually think it’s one of my top five cathedrals, and certainly my favorite one in the States. If you get a chance, you should definitely see le Mont-Saint-Michel in la Normandie, but I can give you other recommendations too.
And that cookie looks delicious. ☺ Wish I still had my high school metabolism.
Taylor Eline Metternich
Harvard College
Creekwood High School Salutatorian
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 10:32 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
She did not just fucking mention her metabolism . . .
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 11:49 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Thank you, Taylor, and I will certainly consider it if I’m ever looking for a cathedral that’s in France as opposed to a six-minute walk from my boyfriend’s dorm room.
So, here (see attached) we have the Lyric Theatre, home of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, which I will unfortunately only be appreciating from the outside for this trip. But, alas, City Boy Spier will most certainly be back one day!!
(Side note: Can I just say I’m REALLY freaking loving this? I don’t think I’ve ever really just explored New York before, and it’s honestly such a quality city?? Five stars.)
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 11:56 AM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Five stars from Simon Spier?? Guess I better keep this little town on my radar.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 1:51 PM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
So now you’re just going to leave us hanging, City Boy Spier?? What’s our next tour stop?
Sent from G-money’s iPhone
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 2:05 PM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Oops—just looking at some stuff in Greenwich Village. Look, it’s Washington Square Park!!!
FROM: LEAHONTHEOF
[email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 2:07 PM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Washington Square Park. Interesting . . .
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: MAR 11 AT 2:09 PM
SUBJECT: RE: BIG APPLE SHENANIGANS
Agreed.
Also interesting: the fact that we’re emailing when we’re literally sitting on a porch swing together. Shall we find another way to occupy those hands?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: MAR 24 AT 6:12 PM
SUBJECT: OOF
Just got back to my dorm, and I guess you’re somewhere in New Jersey by now. So how does this go again? Right, here’s the part where I stare at my laptop screen trying to drudge up a shred of positivity. So . . . that was really good. We got sixteen days together, and obviously that’s pretty extraordinary. Um.
I don’t know, Bram. I’m just so tired of how bad it always feels to lose you. Remind me why we’re doing this to ourselves again? My room feels so quiet without you, which just baffles me. Like, no one’s out there giving you noise complaints, Bram Greenfeld. So maybe it’s not actually quieter here—maybe it just feels quiet in my brain. I kind of want Kellan to come back and bother me. I texted him the all-clear as soon as we left for the train station, but I guess he’s still in Grover’s room. Because why the fuck wouldn’t he be? If you lived in my building, I don’t think I’d ever go outside.
I’m just exhausted from this. Like, is this even working for you?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
Love, Creekwood (Simonverse) Page 6