We all laugh. Oisinn’s – it still sounds so random – husband has been a great addition to the group, even though he knows fock-all about rugby.
JP manages to find the video. He’s like, ‘Here you go,’ and we all end up just watching it, totally mesmerized.
Fionn comes back from the jacks halfway through and looks over JP’s shoulder. ‘Is that the woman in the Shelbourne?’
And JP’s there, ‘Yeah, she opens bottles with a sword! Watch!’
And of course, Fionn can’t resist rubbing his knowledge in our faces. ‘Yeah, it was actually Napoleon’s army who started it,’ he goes. ‘The Hussars would take over a town, find the nearest inn and open all the champagne bottles using their sabres.’
He has to ruin everything with his facts and focking figures. I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t realize that Napoleon was an actual person. I thought he was one of those mythological characters, like Cú Chulainn or Henry the Eighth. Fionn knows a lot more about history than I do, but I’m definitely going to google the focker the next time I’m in the jacks.
I decide to change the subject. I ask Oisinn how work’s going. He lost his business, Gaycation Ireland – a tour operator specializing in LGBTQ stag and hen porties – in the same fire that destroyed Erika’s ort gallery.
‘It’s going to take about a year for the building to be rebuilt,’ Oisinn goes. ‘In the meantime, I’m just working out of the aportment, trying to keep the business going as best I can.’
Magnus goes, ‘Alsho, I have applied for a job!’
I’m there, ‘A job? Jesus, are things really that bad?’
‘Well, there ishn’t enough work right now for ush both to take a shalary from the bishnish. Alsho, much ash we love each other, I don’t think it’sh shuch good idea for ush to be shtuck in the apartment all day together! Sho I have a job interview on Monday – with Fashebook!’
He means Facebook, and I tell him fair focks.
Christian arrives then. Late as usual. Lauren probably giving him a hord time. I order him a 7-Up. He’s nearly two years sober in fairness to the dude. But the first thing he does when he arrives is he storts talking to Fionn about the baby like it’s perfectly okay to do so in front of me.
He goes, ‘Lauren said you and Sorcha finally settled on a name?’
Fionn’s there, ‘Yeah, we’ve decided to call him Hillary,’ and he says ‘we’ like he had an actual say in the matter?
Of course, he uses this as a cue to whip out his phone and stort showing everyone his photographs, totally forgetting that other people’s baby pictures are dull as shit.
‘Hillary?’ Oisinn goes, looking over his shoulder – pretending to be interested? And you can tell that what he’s thinking is, Isn’t that a bird’s name? He’s there, ‘Hillary after –’
‘Hillary Clinton,’ Fionn goes. ‘But I’ve also got a great-, great-grandfather on my mother’s side whose second name was Hilary with one L.’
Focking spare me, I think. He had fock-all to do with it and now he’s just trying to put a positive spin on the story.
Christian goes, ‘Hillary de Barra. I have to admit, it does sound very distinguished, doesn’t it? Chief Justice Hillary de Barra! President Hillary de Barra!’
It pisses me off in a major way, but I say nothing.
All of a sudden, two absolute honeys walk into Kielys. The one on the left looks like Kate Upton, except with a crooked mouth, and the one on the right looks like, I’m going to say, Chrissy Teigen, except with swimmer’s shoulders.
As they walk past, I look the two of them up and down and I go, ‘All those curves – and me with no brakes!’ and even though the two of them keep walking, the one with the big shoulders definitely smiles.
She’s the only focking one, by the way. When I turn around, the goys are all looking at me like I’ve, I don’t know, walked into the Aquazone Waterpork in Blanchardstown and done a shit in the kiddies’ pool.
Okay, full disclosure – that’s what they were actually talking about the last time I heard the triplets mentioned on Liveline. It was Leo who did the deed. He climbed up the mast of the pirate ship, whipped down his trunks and crimped one off into the water below. Poor Joe Duffy, having to listen to that straight after his lunch. He apparently had to go to an ad break while he vomited his tuna melt into a wastepaper basket.
I’m like, ‘What? What’s everyone’s problem?’ because they’re definitely looks of disapproval that I’m getting?
JP goes, ‘You can’t actually talk to women like that any more, Ross.’
I’m there, ‘What do you mean? Do you know how many times that line has worked for me? Focking three! Including once coming out of the Kilkenny Design Shop on a girl who turned out to be a second cousin of Vogue Williams. Twice removed.’
Fionn – it would have to be him, of course – goes, ‘Ross, haven’t you heard about the whole Hashtag Me Too and Hashtag Time’s Up thing?’
I’m like, ‘Er, yeah – how does that affect me?’
‘Well, you can’t say things like that any more. It’s not appropriate.’
‘Who says so?’
‘Women say so.’
‘Maybe the women you know. I’ve met one or two of them over the years, remember? And I wouldn’t bother wasting good lines on them anyway.’
‘I’m talking about women all over the world, Ross. They’re standing up and they’re saying that the predatory behaviour of people like Donald Trump is not acceptable any more.’
‘So you’re saying that males and females aren’t allowed to find each other attractive now?’
‘Of course we’re allowed to find each other attractive.’
‘Because the continuation of the species kind of depends on it, Fionn. That’s no offence to you, Oisinn. Or you, Magnus.’
‘You can find women attractive, but you’re not allowed to talk to them in a way that objectifies them.’
It all ends up spilling out of us then. Let’s be honest, the tension between us has been building up ever since I saw that baby’s face in the incubator and realized it was too ugly to be mine.
I’m there, ‘And you’re the expert on what women want to hear now, are you, Fionn? A focking virgin until you were how old?’
‘Now you’re being childish,’ he goes.
‘Am I? Why don’t you say what this is really about?’
‘What is it really about, Ross?’
‘You’re still bulling because Sorcha picked me over you.’
‘Sorcha and I tried to make a go of it – it didn’t work out.’
‘Because she’s still in love with me and you can’t get over that fact.’
‘Hey, I’ve always said it. I don’t think you’re worthy of her.’
‘And that’s why you’re giving me filthies just for paying another girl a compliment.’
‘I just think Sorcha deserves better. She’s taken you back and you’re already up to your old tricks.’
‘That’s where you’re wrong, Dude. Sorcha is happy for us to have an open relationship.’
He’s there, ‘An open relationship?’
‘Don’t pretend you didn’t hear what we were talking about the other day in the bedroom. We’re both going back dating again. She was the one who actually suggested it.’
He actually laughs in my face, then he goes, ‘Ross, when Sorcha said she wanted you to go back dating, I think she meant –’
I’m like, ‘What? What do you think she meant, Fionn – you with all your experience of women?’
But he just goes, ‘Nothing. You’re right,’ which is weak from him.
I’m there, ‘Rides my wife while we’re on a break, then tries to lecture me about what is and isn’t appropriate? Yeah, thanks for that, Fionn, you Specsavers-bothering fock.’
I look across the pub and I notice that the two birds – Kate Upton and Chrissy Teigen – are looking over in my direction.
So I’m like, ‘I’m going to go and talk to these two beautiful
ladies over here. Unless, of course, me being physically attracted to them offends them on some level. I’m sure they’ll let me know.’
It’s a cracking line to leave on.
I tip over to the two girls and I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’
They’re both like, ‘Yeah, no, great.’
I go, ‘The name’s Ross, by the way. I’m sorry about what I said – I hope you didn’t find it offensive.’
Chrissy Teigen goes, ‘I thought it was funny.’
I’m like, ‘Funny? That’s interesting,’ staring across the bor at Fionn. ‘Very interesting.’
Then they introduce themselves to me. Kate Upton’s name is Faolan Fitzgerald and Chrissy Teigen’s name is Eabha Barnes.
I’ve decided that Faolan is the one whose number I’m going to be leaving here with tonight. I look her in the eye and I’m there, ‘When I saw you walk in here tonight – I swear to God – my knees actually buckled?’
Faolan goes, ‘Er, I’m actually engaged to someone. Eabha is the single one.’
So I look at Eabha and I go, ‘When I saw you walk in here tonight – blah, blah, blah.’
She laughs and she’s there, ‘I’ll have a glass of Cab Sav, if you’re offering.’
And I’m there, ‘Oh, I’m offering,’ making it sound dirty. ‘I’m definitely, definitely offering.’
‘Oh my God,’ she goes, ‘you’re actually really cute!’
And it’s nice to know that I haven’t lost my touch – even if everyone else has lost theirs?
2.
It’s All about the Bag!
Honor hands me her phone and she goes, ‘Here!’
And I’m like, ‘Okay, why are you giving me your phone?’
‘Because,’ she goes, ‘you’re going to film a video for my YouTube channel.’
I’m like, ‘Really?’
‘Oh my God,’ she goes, ‘why are you making such a big deal out of it?’
I’m there, ‘Because it is a big deal, Honor. I love when we do shit together.’
Honor goes, ‘Whatever. The only reason I’m asking you is because my tripod hasn’t arrived yet and I need both of my hands free to do an unboxing.’
‘Okay,’ I go, ‘what’s an unboxing?’
‘Watch and you’ll find out. Just point the camera at me and stort recording, okay?’
So I do what I’m told. I’ve kind of made that a general rule in my dealings with my daughter.
She goes, ‘Hi, goys, welcome back to my channel!’ in this really sweet voice that I’ve – honestly? – never heard her use before. ‘Now, last week on Love Honor and Obey, it was all about the bag! It’s a favourite topic of mine and I know from your comments that it’s literally a favourite topic of yours, too!’
Seriously, it’s like she’s had a personality transplant or something.
She goes, ‘We covered investment bags and I showed you some pieces from my collection, everything from my medium Chanel classic flap to my Hermès So Black Birkin! Today, I’m going to show you ten style hacks to make any bag look AH-MAZING – even if all you can afford is High Street! But first, I’m going to stort today’s video with an unboxing! Yay!’
She claps her two hands together and I keep filming her as she reaches under her bed and pulls out a lorge cordboard box.
‘And what I’m going to be unboxing,’ she goes, ‘is not a bag but something that’s been on my wish list for – oh my God – ages! And it’s something that my amazing, amazing dad bought for me! Dad, turn the camera on yourself and say hello to everyone!’
I turn the phone around and I stort waving, going, ‘Hey, goys!’ probably getting a bit carried away if I’m being honest.
Honor goes, ‘So this is Ross, everyone! And he’s my dad! So, Dad, why don’t you tell my viewers what you’re wearing today?’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Come on, why don’t you talk us through your Outfit of the Day? We’ll stort with the top! Describe that top you’re wearing!’
‘This? This is, like, the new Leinster home jersey.’
‘The new Leinster home jersey! And who’s it by?’
‘Er, Canterbury.’
‘So describe it to us! What is it about this top that you love?’
‘I don’t know. They’re my team. I mean, if their new jersey was a black bin-liner, I’d walk around wearing it.’
‘That is so funny! And what are those three stors above the crest?’
‘Oh, that’s, like, how many times Leinster have won the Heineken slash European Cup. Actually, you asked me what I loved about this top? I think what I love most about it is that they’ve left room for a fourth stor – there, look! A lot of people would consider that arrogant. Not me.’
‘And what about the trousers? Tell us about the trousers!’
I point the camera down at my trousers. I’m there, ‘The trousers are just, like, beige chinos. I should say classic beige chinos.’
She goes, ‘By?’
‘Dockers. They’re basically the only trousers I ever wear. And that’s for the last, like, twenty years.’
‘If it’s not broke, don’t fix it, right? And the shoes – show us the shoes!’
I point the camera at my feet.
I’m there, ‘These are, like, Dubarry Docksiders – otherwise known as Dubes.’
‘And they’re, like, boat shoes, aren’t they?’
‘That’s right, yeah.’
‘And do you own a boat?’
I actually laugh.
I’m like, ‘No, but I’m also wearing boxer shorts – and I’ve no intention of getting into a fight.’
Honor bursts her hole laughing. And, even after she stops laughing, I can see the absolute delight in her face. She’s obviously thinking, Oh! My God! This is pure gold!
She goes, ‘Okay, camera back on me now! So that was my dad, everyone! As you can see, he’s actually hilarious! He’s also the best father in the world – even though I’m obviously biased – and also a really, really cool person! For instance, he buys me absolutely everything I ever ask for, no questions asked, including this lovely surprise, which I’m about to unbox and which he insisted on paying full price for, even though it was supposedly in the sale!’
It’s a definite moment for me, hearing my daughter talk about me in such gushing terms. I actually don’t know how I manage to keep the phone steady.
‘Now,’ she goes, ‘camera on the box please, Dad!’
I have to admit, it’s a bit random that people actually want to watch this shit – basically a stranger opening a box with a dress in it.
Anyway, she pulls the ribbon off the thing.
‘It’s so exciting!’ she goes. ‘And I’m so glad to be sharing this moment with all of you!’
She lifts the lid off the box and there’s all this, like, pink tissue paper inside. She pushes it to one side and goes, ‘Here it is! O! M! G! Love! Dad, are you getting this?’
I’m like, ‘Yes, I am.’
‘Could you maybe get a close-up of it?’
I do.
She goes, ‘This is my brand-new Gucci tulle dress with shooting stors! The print was inspired by Creative Director Alessandro Michele’s fascination with outer space! But this is the first time that the famous shooting stor motif has featured in a children’s collection! And I have to say, I love, love, LOVE these embellishments – the sporkling crystals and the multi-coloured sequins!’
And that’s when, all of a sudden, I hear Sorcha calling me from our bedroom down the landing. She’s like, ‘ROSS? ROOOSSS???’
‘Ignore her,’ Honor goes. ‘Now, I absolutely adore this fabric, even though it’s man-made, but the quality is still ah-mazing! Goys, this dress is SO stunning! I can’t lie!’
But Sorcha keeps going, ‘ROOOSSS??? ROOOSSS??? ROOOSSS???’
I’m there, ‘I better go and see what she wants,’ and I stop filming.
‘Just open the door and tell her to go fock herself,’ Honor goes. ‘That’s what I
always do?’
I’m there, ‘You can’t really get away with that kind of thing when you’re married to someone, Honor. It’s hord to explain.’
‘Let the father of her focking baby go instead, then.’
‘Again, that’d be my usual instinct, but it’s complicated. Look, we’ll finish this in a few minutes, okay?’
‘Fock’s sake,’ she goes as I’m leaving the room. ‘Why does she have to be such a needy bitch?’
I tip down the landing to our bedroom. Sorcha is sitting on the edge of the bed, breastfeeding Hillary.
She’s there, ‘I was calling you for ages.’
I’m like, ‘Yeah, no, I was just doing a bit of vlogging with Honor.’
‘You?’
‘Yeah, no, she asked me to film her while she was doing an unboxing.’
‘Did she?’ she goes, sounding definitely jealous. ‘I was watching her YouTube channel this morning. You know she’s already got two hundred subscribers?’
I’m there, ‘I’m not surprised. She’s an absolute natural in front of the camera. She got me to do a bit as well. My Outfit of the Day.’
I notice the hurt look on Sorcha’s face.
She goes, ‘She was obviously taking the piss out of you.’
I’m there, ‘I don’t think she was. You seem definitely jealous.’
‘It’s just I genuinely believed that fashion was the thing that would eventually bring me and Honor closer together. I’m not being a bitch, Ross, but the only reason she’s involving you in this thing is to hurt me.’
‘Right.’
‘Again, that’s not me being a bitch.’
‘So you said. What did you want, by the way?’
‘Oh, yeah, the reason I called you – do you remember we were talking about the two of us going on dates again?’
‘I certainly do.’
‘Well, have you arranged anything yet?’
I’m like, ‘Errr,’ because it still feels weird talking about it? As it happens, I got Eabha’s number and there’s been quite a bit of texting back and forth – filthy, a lot of it. I think she might be a fockaholic. I’m there, ‘Er, yeah, no, kind of?’
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