by Rita Moreau
“Up until this audit business, the bishop has left us alone. A sort of ‘don’t ask and don’t tell’ relationship. But, as I said, the times are changing. He has become a real rock star amongst the conservative leaders of the church. Feisty nuns using psychic abilities to help their flock! Why, if this were to become public, his chances of becoming pope would be French toast. He’d be lucky to be demoted to altar boy. Since this bishop is blindly ambitious and has had his sights on becoming the first American pope, the last thing he would allow is a group of nuns in his diocese to stand in his way. I’m sure he views this audit as a way to rack up some points on the road to becoming pope. Closing down the order might be necessary, in his eyes, to become pope,” Sister Hildegard said.
“We feel that this audit is just a first step. His brother Walther is also very powerful, and he is equally ambitious with his eyes set on eventually becoming president. According to the latest media, he is looking good to be nominated on the party’s ticket as vice president. Can you imagine that? Katy, bar the door if one brother is president and the other is pope. It would be a powerful alliance. He could not afford to allow us to continue our works. We would be the skeleton in his closet.”
“Goodness, it sounds serious,” Velma said.
“It is serious. Our only hope is that there is a rumor that something is about to break at the highest administrative level of the church known as the Curia. There is some talk that, as a result, the current pope might even step down. The sisters are praying for a new pope from the more progressive side of church leadership. One who would not support the conservative leanings of current Pope Bernard and his gang of cardinals,” Sister Hildegard said.
“We sisters have referred to them as Pope Benny and the Jets,” Sister Matilda said.
“The world is not quite as black and white as the Vatican sees it. Down here in the trenches, it’s gray, and on some days, it’s covered in a heavy fog. It helps to clear the path when we use our psychic ability to help those who need to make some decisions on which way to go,” Sister Hildegard said.
“MC, the sisters need your help with this audit.”
“I understand,” I said. “But how can I help you?”
“The Vatican has appointed a nun, Sister Clarissa, to assist the bishops, including Red Hat, with the audits here in the U.S. She has contacted us and asked for a meeting. We would like you to attend the meeting and represent the Sisters of Saint Anthony. Handle the matter, just like you do with your clients who are being audited by the IRS, easy breezy. Just think of Sister Clarissa as an IRS agent, but instead of representing the IRS she is representing the Vatican.”
“But this is a little different,” I said. “It’s not the IRS. It’s the Catholic Church. If you remember I am not as familiar with the laws of the church as I am with tax law.”
“Yes, yes, we all know you slept through catechism, but you and Velma are the right ones to handle this audit. Trust me on this. Wait till you meet Sister Clarissa. You’ll see what we mean. She is a Harvard graduated lawyer. You’ll be right at home with her. She’s a real pit bull if you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, a real bitch,” Sister Matilda said as we three looked at her—stunned. “A female pit bull, just saying,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.
“Sister, you will spend some time in the chapel thinking over those unkind remarks,” Sister Hildegard said. “And I will join you because you read my mind.” She turned back to Velma and me and handed us a piece of paper she had retrieved from a hidden pocket in her habit.
“Here is the letter we received for the audit with a list of questions, which Sister Matilda and I have answered. You and Velma will attend the meeting with Sister Clarissa as our representative. If she asks you something you can’t answer, look over at me. I’ll either answer the question, or we can say we will get back to her on that, or whatever you say when you are dealing with those IRS agents,” she said with a shrug of her very large shoulders.
“We’ll also need your help delaying this audit for as long as possible. Our hope is that the pendulum will swing the other way, and this audit will die down and go away.”
“I still don’t understand auditing nuns,” Velma said. “That’s got to be bad press for the church.”
“Well, it definitely serves to take the spotlight off of the real issues facing the church. I am sure you both have read about one scandal after another in the news. Horrendous deeds that have been swept under the rug by many bishops,” Sister Hildegard said sternly.
“In other words, the nuns of the Catholic Church will become its scapegoats,” Sister Matilda said.
“What rumors are you hearing about the Curia?” I asked, curious about what Sister Hildegard had mentioned.
Sister Hildegard’s voice lowered an octave.
“Yes, the Curia is like the house or the senate for the Catholic Church. The latest rumor is in your ballpark, MC. Supposedly there are some financial issues with the Vatican Bank. It’s leaking to the press. One rumor swirling about is that this is the final straw, and it’s so big it may lead to the pope stepping down,” Sister Hildegard said, and then walked back and had a seat.
“The Vatican bank?” I asked.
“Right up your alley, some talk is that it has to do with money laundering.”
“Oh, really?”
“The Vatican Bank is very secretive. In fact, some would argue that it’s the most secretive bank in the world. Most people are not even aware that the Vatican has a bank. It is beyond the reach of anyone except the pope. On occasion and in the hands of the wrong church leaders, its secrecy and power have been misused. It has been said that after World War II, it had cozy ties with the mafia and during the cold war was used in money laundering operations involving the CIA and the Catholic Church,” Sister Matilda said.
“Whoa,” I said.
“Yes, whoa indeed,” Sister Hildegard said.
“Our Red Hat bishop has caught the eye of Pope Benny and the Jets. He was a lawyer on Wall Street before he became a priest. He has a solid legal and financial background and is politically powerful. He is looking very attractive to that group as someone who could help with the Vatican Bank and other problems facing the church. Whatever is going on with the Vatican Bank, the male hierarchy of the church will do everything to hide it as they have done for eons. This audit may be a test to see how he handles himself.”
“What is this cardinal’s name, the one who is spearheading these audits?”
“His name is Cardinal Peter Sole. He is involved with the Vatican Secret Archives. He is the librarian.”
“The Vatican Secret Archives?” I said.
Sister Hildegard shook her head side to side, and with a grimace on her face looked over at Sister Matilda, who was waiting patiently to launch into history time.
“Quick, Sister Matilda, if we miss the bus we will have to call an Uber cab.”
“Yes, Mother Superior,” Sister Matilda said as she popped up and stood behind her imaginary lectern.
“The Vatican Secret Archives are housed in a section of the Vatican Library. It serves as a place where the personal documents of all popes and thousands of other documents have been housed for over 400 years. It’s not open to the public. It’s not a place where anyone can walk in and have a look around. Scholars may apply for admittance, but they must be specific as to the purpose of their visit. There are limitations on what is available for viewing. No materials after 1939 are available to the public. Some even call it the Vatican’s Hangar 51, because it may house evidence of alien life.”
“Really,” Velma and I said at the same moment.
“Yes, the Vatican takes this life beyond our planet very seriously. All church conspiracy theories tie back to the Vatican Secret Archives.”
Sister Hildegard looked down at her watch and signaled to everyone that they were ready to leave.
“Enough with the aliens and conspiracy theories, Sister Matilda, we’ve got to run. We have to run to catc
h the last Greyhound bus.”
Sister Hildegard headed toward the lobby of my office, and Sister Matilda and the three sisters who had been sitting quietly jumped up and followed Sister Hildegard and Sister Matilda.
Velma and I walked along with the group, and as they were heading out the front door Sister Hildegard turned to me and said,
“One more thing, be very careful. We think Sister Clarissa has some unique powers of her own. That is why she makes such a great lawyer. As Sister Matilda said, she is a bitch, but she is also a very clever woman. And, like the Bishop, she is very ambitious, and that ambition clouds her judgment.”
“Dang,” I said to Velma as we watched them clackity-clack their way down the street and disappear around a corner.
“The nuns on the Greyhound bus strike again.”