by Gemma Rogers
‘I think that cigarette is done now.’ Nicky laughed, taking the butt out of my hand and putting it in the ashtray.
‘Sorry, my mind was elsewhere.’
Nicky stood, pulling me to my feet. ‘Where?’ he whispered.
I bit my lip and looked up to the ceiling and back into Nicky’s blue eyes.
‘I’m glad you’re back,’ he said, placing butterfly kisses on my collarbone.
‘I’m not. I mean, I can’t, Nicky. This is the last time,’ I said, my firm voice wavering as my body betrayed me.
‘Hmm you say that a lot.’
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in. He felt so good, pressed against me. My hands strayed inside his T-shirt, fingernails trailing the muscles of his shoulders down his back and inside the waistband of his jeans. We rushed upstairs to his room, his bedside lamp on, guiding us in. When we made love for the second time, it was much more intense and infinitely more satisfying. Nicky held me so tight, as though he was afraid I might disappear.
Afterwards, at around half past nine we got comfy on the bed, watching Scream, a horror movie from the nineties.
‘I think I saw this at the cinema,’ I squirmed, realising Nicky hadn’t even been born then.
‘I love you,’ Nicky said out of the blue as the credits rolled. The atmosphere felt heavy, the silence all encompassing.
‘Nicky…’ I began, trailing off. What could I say? It was after eleven, I could make my excuses and go home, although I’d had too much to drink to drive. ‘When is your mum back?’ I asked, knowing she was working nights. Perhaps I could wait a few hours and drive home when the alcohol had left my system? I hadn’t intended to stay the night.
‘Not until around half seven tomorrow,’ he said, kissing my neck. ‘Leave him, run away with me,’ he whispered into my ear, but I didn’t answer.
We fell asleep soon after, his words forgotten. I woke disorientated at three in the morning needing the toilet and, pulling on Nicky’s T-shirt, scrambled out of the bed into the cold hallway half-asleep. I had to get home. Surely, I’d be safe to drive now? He was awake when I returned and beckoned me back into bed, pressing himself against my back and curling around me.
‘I have to go,’ I said but Nicky didn’t respond, his hand was already reaching between my legs.
The sound of a door slamming woke me with a start, footsteps hastily climbing the stairs. I elbowed Nicky and he moaned as his mother walked past the open bedroom door. I locked eyes with her for a second as she passed before stepping back into the doorway, her eyebrows raised. She wore a light blue nurse uniform with a watch fob attached to her pocket.
‘Morning,’ she said in a stern voice.
I instantly felt reprimanded, my ears burning. Shit! How could I have fallen back to sleep? What if she recognised me from St Wilfred’s, although I couldn’t think of a reason as to why she would have visited the school this term. I couldn’t recall seeing her before, but she awarded me a steely glare, taking me in. Recognition spreading across her face that the woman in her son’s bed was around the same age as her. How could I have ever been so stupid? I was twice his age.
‘Hi, I’m Izzy.’ I managed, sitting up, thankful for Nicky’s T-shirt.
‘Pat,’ she responded curtly.
Nicky raised his head and squinted at his mother.
‘Shut the fucking door, Mum,’ he grunted, and she leaned in to close the bedroom door, huffing for effect.
‘Shit.’ I threw myself back on the bed, hand clapped to my forehead. Glancing at the clock, it was quarter to eight. Why hadn’t I set an alarm to get up before Nicky’s mother came home? I couldn’t believe we’d just been caught red-handed. If I wanted to feel like a teenager again, I certainly did now. Foolish for thinking what we were doing would have no repercussions. I slipped out of bed, searching for my clothes and throwing them on.
‘Where are you going?’ Nicky asked, rubbing his eyes.
‘Your mum’s home,’ I hissed, gathering my things and flattening my hair in the mirror before opening the bedroom door. I crept down the stairs, hoping Nicky’s mother would have come home from the night shift and gone straight to bed.
Unfortunately, I’d left my handbag in the kitchen and, when I rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs, I saw Pat nursing a cup of steaming coffee at the table I’d been bent over the night before.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said as I crept into the kitchen, cheeks flaming as I grabbed my handbag off the side. I felt sick, the interaction excruciating. ‘I didn’t intend for us to meet like this,’ I continued, feeling Pat’s icy glare. She was older than me, but not by much.
‘Aren’t you a little old for him?’ Pat asked coldly, raising her eyebrows. She didn’t seem shocked that a woman had stayed the night, only at my age. How often did Nicky have women to stay?
‘Yes,’ I whispered. There was no point in lying. I was.
‘I don’t understand his fascination with older women.’ She shrugged. Her words stung. I wasn’t the first. ‘Be careful,’ Pat said, jolting me from my frozen state. Her voice was barely a whisper.
I stared at her, my mouth suddenly dry.
‘He can’t be trusted.’ She lowered her eyes to her coffee, where they remained, fixed, as I backed down the hallway and out of the front door, into the cold morning air. My flesh crawled like ants were dancing on my skin. Racing to my car, I sat inside, with the engine on, waiting for the frosted windscreen to melt away.
Can’t be trusted? What did she mean by that? What a weird thing to say, about one’s own child too. Perhaps she wasn’t the full ticket?
I dug in my handbag and retrieved the iPhone, which had only ten per cent battery. I’d missed three texts last night: two from David and one from Charlotte. David had been checking in after his dinner and there was one more from him a little later, wishing me goodnight. I hurriedly text back, to say I’d had a couple of glasses of wine and fallen asleep on the sofa.
The text from Charlotte was asking if it was OK if I picked her up around seven from Amy’s. I sent a breezy reply of ‘Sure, no problem’. My heart was pounding and my head still fuzzy from the wine. I couldn’t wait to get back home and into the shower.
As I drove the short distance, my mind whirled and panic set in. What if Pat found out I was a teacher and reported me to St. Wilfred’s? What if Nicky told her I was his teacher? Surely, he wouldn’t be so stupid? Suddenly, sleeping with Nicky was altogether too real and the consequences involved felt tangible. I was mortified at being caught in bed by his mother but also concerned at the way she’d reacted. She hadn’t shouted or balled, she’d just looked me in the eye, almost pityingly. It sent a chill through me.
Why did I need to be careful? Was it a threat? It sounded more like a warning. Did Pat know something I didn’t? What could she have meant? I’d have to broach the subject with Nicky if I had a chance at school next week. With my rushing off, there’d been no time to reiterate it was over. I had to hope he understood that I was serious when I said it was the last time. There was no doubt in my mind about that now. Things had become too real. Nicky was out of my system for good.
When I pulled up at home, my shoulders sagged as relief flooded through me. I hadn’t notice how white my knuckles were from gripping the steering wheel.
I took the Motorola out of my bag and quickly typed a text to Nicky.
Don’t tell her who I am
As soon as I got through the front door, I went straight upstairs and stripped off. All my clothes went in the laundry basket and I turned the shower to as hot as I could bear before climbing in. The water pummelled my chest and back as I turned around and instantly felt soothed. Washing away my sins from the night before, I slowly felt more like the woman I used to be. Determined to be a better mother and wife. I’d work at my marriage and it would be stronger than ever. David had made a mistake, but so had I. We weren’t perfect but we’d drawn a line under it now and there was no way I was going back.
32<
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I scrubbed at my skin and washed my hair, finally feeling like every inch of me was clean. I slipped on some fresh jeans and a long-sleeved sweatshirt, applying the smallest amount of make-up. Downstairs, I plugged in my iPhone to charge and made some coffee, sitting at the dining table absorbing the stillness of the house. The birds chirped outside, it was still early, almost nine a.m. I cradled the cup in my hands, what would I do today? David wouldn’t be home until later, around dinner time, and I wasn’t picking Charlotte up until later that evening.
The home phone rang and when I got to the cradle it wasn’t there, but it flashed to indicate a message had been left.
‘Shit,’ I muttered, hunting around for the handset, finally finding it on the sofa under a cushion.
‘Hello,’ I said breathlessly and heard a chuckle the other end.
‘What are you up to?’ Stella said, bursting into infectious laughter.
‘Nothing, I couldn’t find the bloody phone. How are you?’ I asked, pleased to hear Stella’s voice.
‘I’m good thanks, nothing new to report here. Dad’s still loopy, Mum’s got no patience and I’m still dating a man whose young enough to be my son…’ Stella tailed off.
‘Only just.’
‘Yes, well, he’s still hot for me, so I can’t complain. How are you? Where’s David?’ I knew Stella was checking the coast was clear before straying on to more dangerous topics of conversation.
‘It’s OK, everyone’s out. David’s at a conference and Charlotte is at Amy’s.
‘I’m surprised you’re on your own and you haven’t got company.’
I laughed. ‘I ended it, remember.’
‘Yeah? So where were you last night the five times I called?’ Stella chuckled.
‘I did end it… after I stayed over at his house last night.’
I heard her gasp. ‘You didn’t?’
‘I did. I know I shouldn’t have. David admitted he’d been having an affair and I kind of lost it.’
‘Oh, Izzy, I’m so sorry. I love David and everything, but what a bastard.’ Stella’s voice was grave.
‘I know, who’d have thought it.’
‘Are you OK?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, I am now.’ Well I was until Nicky’s mother came home and soured it. I pushed the thought away.
‘I can’t believe you had revenge sex.’ Stella was so good at making me laugh.
‘I know. Shallow right? David says it’s over now and I’ve ended it with Nicky. Hopefully we can move on from this.’ I sighed.
‘Does he know about Nicky?’
‘No, I haven’t told him. Last night was…’ I paused, trying to find the right word. ‘Awkward. His mum caught us this morning.’ I drummed my fingers on my thigh as I recalled the uncomfortable exchange.
‘Oh god. I told you to steer clear. I had feeling he was a wrong-un.’
‘His mum said something weird, it kind of freaked me out.’
‘What?’ Stella asked.
‘Well, after stating the obvious, that I was a bit old for him, she said to be careful, that he wasn’t to be trusted. Isn’t that strange? Why would she tell me that?’
Stella fell silent, pondering for a second. ‘Perhaps she meant be careful with her son’s heart. I would if I had kids, I’d be that parent packing a shotgun whenever I met a new boyfriend or girlfriend.’
‘Maybe… It was weird though. I literally only saw her for a minute, but the way she said it, it was creepy, and what about the “not to be trusted” bit?’
‘No idea! Maybe he’s a shit son? At least you don’t have to see her again.’
‘Thank goodness.’
‘Listen, I’ve got to go, I can hear Dad calling me from upstairs, he’s probably flushed his glasses down the toilet again,’ Stella sighed. I admired her strength.
‘No worries, speak to you soon.’ I finished the call and went back to my coffee. I needed to speak to Nicky about his mum before school restarted, otherwise if I left it, I’d worry about it all week. Plus, I wanted to reiterate the clean break.
Would he be awake yet? I composed a text to him.
Fancy a stroll around the park?
Within a minute, there was a response.
Meet you there in half an hour
I grabbed my coat and my wellies as it looked as though it was going to rain any minute. The sky had become dark and threatening, resembling a winter’s evening rather than a morning. At least the park would be quiet at half past nine, perhaps with the exception of a few joggers. It was too early for mums and their children and most likely too wet.
When I arrived, there were a handful of cars in the car park and not a soul to be seen. Nicky pulled up as I turned off the engine. He looked dishevelled, wearing the same clothes he’d had on yesterday. Had he come straight from bed?
‘Morning. What’s up with you?’ He laughed, looking at my pained expression, and nudged me playfully as we walked into the park.
‘Just the weather,’ I lied, shivering in the cold.
The park was peaceful and even with the grey skies and rain it still looked picturesque. We had the place to ourselves, bar a couple of dog walkers and an enthusiastic jogger who smiled as she passed, probably thinking we were mother and son out for a stroll. The thought made me squirm. Rain began to fall heavily, and we put our hoods up.
‘I was surprised to hear from you so early. I must have made a good impression last night. You told me it was the last time,’ he teased.
I cringed inwardly. This was going to be harder than I thought.
‘I did have a great time last night, but we have got to stop.’ I clenched my jaw and counted in my head, feeling my anxiety spike.
‘I don’t see why,’ Nicky said, eyes narrowing.
‘Because I’m married and I’m your teacher. I should never have let it happen in the first place. I’m the responsible adult here.’
He scoffed at my words, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
‘I wanted to ask you about your mum. Did you tell her about me?’ The question had been eating away at me since I’d left his house earlier. Pat could ruin my entire life if she wanted to. It made my world seem incredibly fragile.
‘What do you mean? That we’re shagging?’ he asked, missing the point entirely.
I cringed. ‘No, that I’m a teacher.’
‘No, of course I didn’t. It’s none of her fucking business anyway.’
I was surprised at the sudden flare of his temper, although the relief my secret was still safe flooded through me.
‘She said you like mature women?’ I offered, trying to defuse him.
‘I had a thing for my mate’s mum that’s all. It was nothing. She likes to wind me up about it,’ he said, grinding his teeth.
‘There was something else. It was odd. When I left, she told me to be careful.’
He tutted and shook his head. ‘Fucking bitch, always poking her nose in.’ I could see his nostrils flaring.
‘Do you two not get on?’ I asked, cringing as I remembered the awful way he’d spoken to his mum this morning. I’d had no time to dwell on it then.
‘She’s interfering. I can’t wait to move out of there.’ He stopped, taking down his hood, and turned to face me, gripping my shoulders, his fingers digging into the skin. Water ran down his forehead, onto his lashes. ‘Look I know you think you want to end it, but I meant what I said last night, let’s do it. Let’s just go, take Charlotte and leave.’
I laughed, a knee-jerk reaction at the ridiculousness of the idea, but the thunder on Nicky’s face silenced me immediately.
‘You can’t love him that much if you’re fucking me. Why are you even with him?’
‘You’re being ridiculous. I’m sure Charlotte would love to leave her Dad and shack up with her mother’s eighteen-year-old lover,’ I snapped. Nicky’s hands balled into fists and he strode ahead of me, rounding the bend back towards the car park. We got back to the cars and I stood awkwardly, not sure what to say.
>
‘I’m sorry, Nicky,’ I began, but he turned his back on me to unlock his car.
‘Don’t worry about it.’ He climbed inside and tore off, gravel spraying up my legs as I stood in his wake. It seemed at last, it was finally over.
The rest of the half-term week flew by. The weather turned colder, but the rain was persistent. Halloween came and went on Thursday, and we barely had anyone stop by for trick or treating, even though I’d carved pumpkins and bought sweets. Only the children that lived in one of the other cottages further along the lane came, so they got more than a handful.
David took Friday off and we went to London to do some sightseeing, something we’d wanted to do for ages. I’d pushed the infidelity from my mind. It was a new start and we were both making the effort. I was looking forward to us doing something together and we’d always said it was funny how you could live so close to the Capital but never experience the tourist attractions. He surprised us with family tickets to see Matilda in the West End. It was Charlotte’s favourite Roald Dahl book when she was little.
When the weekend arrived, I used it to catch up on the chores I’d missed. Charlotte went to the cinema with Amy on Saturday to see the new Joker movie, and when David and I dropped her off, we decided on the spur of the moment to see a movie as well. Doctor Sleep had just been released and I loved The Shining so was keen to see it. Going to the cinema was something we used to do a lot.
‘You know Charlotte’s old enough now really, we should go out more, the two of us,’ David leaned over and whispered in my ear.
I flinched at the proximity, glad for the dim lighting in the cinema. It would take a while before we were back to the way we were before our affairs. The fact that we were both willing to try, though, was enough. I thought perhaps I should come clean about Nicky, but Stella’s advice rang in my ears.
The adverts finished and the room went pitch black until the trailers came on, illuminating up the room. People were still entering the cinema, blocking the screen as they scuttled past. I sank lower in my seat, getting comfortable, but my mouth dropped open as I spied Nicky coming up the stairs. I focused on his face as he climbed, eyes dropping to see him holding hands with a pretty brunette girl I recognised from the corridors of St. Wilfred’s.