by Lucia Franco
"What is that?" he asked too proudly.
"You love to coach because it gives you the power to control everything and everyone. You like to dominate, like having the final say."
Holly and Reagan giggled. I pressed my lips together. I couldn't help but laugh myself.
Kova pulled my leg higher, closer to my side. I winced from the pull in my hamstring. "Relax. Breathe through your stomach, Adrianna, and focus," he said in my ear just for me. "Grab your ankle."
I wrapped a hand around my foot, struggling a bit. "Control equals glory for you. You like having the upper hand because that's how you win," I said.
"Ah, you think you know me so well." Kova shifted closer, giving Holly and Reagan a friendly smile. They blushed ten shades of red.
Kova kneeled to the side of me, his thick thigh pressed to my back. I was off balance and placed a hand in front of me to steady myself. With the pressure of his hand slowly sliding to my stomach, Kova forced me to sit up straighter. Shifting my hips, I pulled my shoulders back…and felt him, hot and long tapping gently on my back. If he had worn boxers then I might not have felt anything. But of course, Kova didn't own any, so I felt all of him.
I sucked in a breath and watched to see if my teammates would think anything of his hand movement. I knew they couldn't see his penis touching me so provocatively from behind. Not once in front of anyone else had he so boldly touched me like this.
Easing my leg down, I released a quiet breath as my muscles loosened. I stretched well on my own, but with Kova’s helping hand it was always more intense. He had the ability to manipulate my body to the extreme, and I really did love to stretch like this. Kova shifted to the other side and mimicked his stance, pressing his body closer than before. This time he was plastered against me, and the girls didn't even bat an eye.
He wanted me to feel him, to show me his control ran deeper than just gymnastics.
"Do you trust me?" Kova asked, and repeated the words louder for Holly and Reagan. They nodded, while I hesitated for a minute. "If you do not trust me, then we have a problem. This control you speak of so sweetly is for your benefit."
If it were even possible, their faces were as red as a fire hydrant.
"Lots to work on today. Do not waste my time."
Kova moved over to work on both Holly and Reagan, but didn’t get as close to them as he did me. All the while, our eyes stayed glued to each other's. The intensity he bled into me was the distraction I’d desperately needed. He always gave me what I needed. Even when I didn't know what I was missing, he was just there, silently encouraging me on. He was my biggest cheerleader. He believed in me. He saw my dream when no one else could.
He was my salvation.
And in moments like this, when I could feel his passion, I forgot every negative thing he’d done and said to me. I smiled and appreciated all that he’d actually done to get me where I am today, because I hadn't been so innocent and naïve either. He’d gone out of his way to give me what I’ve asked for when he didn't have to. Kova may be controlling, but I was demanding.
Two negatives make a positive. And that's what we were. Two flaws. But when put together, we were amplified in the most dazzling, inconceivable way imaginable.
"Did you not sleep last night?" Reagan asked a handful of minutes later as we stood near the vault. "You look terrible."
I kept my focus on the floor and stomped my feet in the container of chalk. "It was just one of those long nights." I finally looked at her. "I tossed and turned, you know. Couldn't sleep."
She observed me a little too closely. I knew my eyelids were swollen and my eyes glossy. Another symptom of kidney disease, I had learned, but after all the tears I’d shed last night, I assumed the puffiness was from that.
"Yeah. And after this next meet is when it gets real for you. You know, that is, if you qualify at this one to go overseas where the big dogs compete. Then it's the Olympic Trials for you, if you're lucky."
"I'm pretty confident," I said. My lips were a tight smile. "If I made it this far, there's a reason for that."
"Ladies!" Kova yelled, and we both looked in his direction. "Stop the gossip and let us go."
I stomped my feet in the powder again, smiling at the floor. "Kova and his lack of contractions," I said. "I swear, those three words are his favorite."
"I know," Reagan responded. "Let us go," she mocked, and I chuckled. "Someone needs to tell him he sounds like a robot."
"I mentioned it to him once and suggested he take some classes. He said he wasn't doing his job if that was what I had on my mind."
Reagan glanced at me for a long moment, then burst out laughing. "That's such a Kova comment."
I smiled. "I know."
"You ladies want an extra hour of conditioning? Get your asses moving!"
"Go on," I said, my voice low, and got behind her.
We'd been practicing vault all morning and it was helping me keep my mind off yesterday. My focus had been solid and my training even better. Vault was one of two apparatuses I excelled at. It was my golden ticket.
Reagan landed and Kova gave her a few pointers, then he turned toward me and waved for me to go. I inhaled a deep breath then exhaled, and got in the zone.
Running toward the stationary object, I visualized what I needed to do, then I turned over my roundoff, backflipping onto the vault, and pushed off as hard as I could with my shoulders and hands. I soared through the air, euphoria bursting from me as I held on tight and twisted with force and drive.
I opened up and spotted the ground, then held my breath. With both feet together, I stuck my landing and fought not to hop.
I stuck it perfectly and smiled. Glancing over my shoulder, I looked for Kova. He stood parallel to the vault and stared at me, unblinking.
"Back in line."
My face fell. "What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing." He shrugged. "Absolutely nothing. That was flawless. Whatever you just did, you must do it every time. Wherever your mind was, go there again."
My heart began to bloom. I needed to hear that. Offering him a small smile in return, I nodded and jogged to the end of the white tape. When it was my turn again, I got right back into the frame of mind I'd been in just before and took off running.
"Incredible, Adrianna," Kova said, almost breathless and in awe. "A couple more and then we will move onto your second vault and practice that. I hope to see the same result for that one as well."
This time my smile was a little bigger. Hope burst inside of me and it was exactly what I needed after the night I’d had. He waved back in line, then signaled for Reagan. My second vault was a forward flip. It was much harder and took more energy out of me, but worth more points.
I could do it. I knew I could. I just had to keep my faith and my outlook positive.
I completed two good ones, but something happened on the third. Lethargy took over as I ran, and my vision danced with stars. As my hands met the leather horse, my sight turned blurry and pain shot through me.
Flipping forward onto the horse, I had too much momentum and panicked midflight. I lost control and stupidly focused on the throbbing pain in my back.
Kova noticed and swiftly reacted.
I descended like a block of weights, completely out of clean form. He reached out and tried to stop me from face-planting and belly flopping. Thankfully I caught my bearings just in the nick of time and tucked my arms and legs in as I flew out of the dismount and into a front roll.
I flopped open and stared at the roof of World Cup, out of breath and wheezing. Little silver spots danced in my vision. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing for a few seconds. My head was cloudy and dizzy. It took me a minute to regain myself.
"Are you okay? Does anything hurt?" Kova asked. When I didn't answer, he dropped to his knees and leaned over me with concern. I opened my eyes and locked onto his, but I wasn't looking at him. I didn't see him. It was more like I was looking right through him. Kova placed one hand on each side of my h
ead and his brows bunched together. He knew better than to move me in case I’d seriously injured myself.
"Adrianna?" His voice rose with distress.
I wiggled my toes and fingers first, then I blinked a few times until I found my voice. "Yes." My response was a whisper on my lips. "I'm fine. I'm okay."
Kova released a breath and stood, offering me his hand. I slipped my palm into his and he held on. He didn't let go. He eyed me a little too long. My heart started to pound viciously against my ribs.
"Are you sure you are okay?" he asked again, his voice very low. "Do you need to take a break?"
My eyes shot around the gym nervously. A break? Since when was he okay with breaks? Maybe he was giving Katja the D like Reagan had said.
"I'm fine… I'm okay. I don't know what happened, but I'm fine," I responded, finally pulling my hand away. "I had a little too much power and I wasn't prepared, that's all. I'm just going to grab some water and I'll be back," I said.
Kova didn't respond. His gaze was on mine as he addressed the team. "Girls. Take a break. Meet me at bars in ten minutes."
I gave him the faintest smile, quietly showing him I was thankful. I knew he wouldn't miss it. Then I turned around and kept my eyes on the floor as I walked past Reagan like I was in my own world, despite her heavy gawking and ignored her silent will for me to look her way.
Five
I walked back into the gym and took a deep breath, bracing myself, nervous that Kova would ask questions. I shook out my fingers and stumbled when our eyes locked, not expecting him to be there. In fact, he looked annoyed more than anything else.
Damn paranoia was already getting to me.
"Two miles. Now." He lowered his voice. "Running will help you regain your focus."
Nodding, I quickly returned to the locker room and changed into running clothes and put on my sneakers, then I headed outside. Despite my earlier run this morning, I didn't grunt about it. I needed to breathe. I needed to let go of all the shit on my mind. I was so irritated with myself for slipping up. Kova was right, though, I needed to regain my focus.
The diagnosis was still so fresh. I knew that was the sole reason for my mistake. The moment I’d felt an inch of fatigue, my mind shut down and I’d allowed the thoughts to take over. I couldn't afford to let that happen again. I could do better, I knew I could. I just had to push past the weariness and body aches like I had in the past and everything would be how it used to be.
I focused on my feet hitting the pavement, keeping my gaze ahead of me. I ran my best time—a seven-minute mile, twice. I was shaking and edgy by the time I was done, but the exercise was exactly what I needed.
Sweat dripping down my temples and my cheeks flushed, I walked back into World Cup with purpose. My heart beat hard, faster than usual. I had so much adrenaline pumping through me I was wired and ready to get back in the gym. Kova spotted me immediately and I smiled. There was something in his gaze that just felt like home. His forehead was creased, and I strode toward the locker room to wipe myself down and change.
"I said two miles."
I dug out some water from my bag. "I did do two miles."
"Not possible. You were gone for less than twenty minutes. You are usually running for at least thirty."
My back was still to him. Shrugging, I said, "I ran fast and regained my focus like you said."
"Get rid of that attitude you have. I will not put up with it."
I didn't have an attitude. He had an attitude. "Okay, Coach."
I wasn't going to argue with him.
Exhaling a long breath, I turned around to face him. He was studying me a little too intensely and it bothered me, but only because I didn't want him to dig. It wasn't that I didn't want him to ever know about my illness, I just didn't want him to know right now. Once everything was all said and done, and I’d achieved my goal, then I would tell him. Until then, I had to be careful not to slip up.
"So we are back to that again? Coach?" he asked me, eyes narrowing.
I took a gulp of water and nodded, trying not to be aware of how much that disturbed him. How sterile it was for us. I wasn't just Adrianna, and he wasn't just Coach. We were Ria and Kova, and we both knew that.
"That is too bad. We are not taking a step back."
Staying quiet, I placed my bottle back in my locker and grabbed my leotard and a fresh sports bra. I pulled off my tank top and balled it up and threw it into my bag. I hooked my thumbs into my shorts and leaned forward, about to pull them down when I realized Kova was still standing there.
I glanced over my shoulder. Our eyes met. The heat in his stare stunned me.
"What?" When he didn't respond, I said, "I'm trying to get changed. You can't be in here, Coach."
I smirked. His nostrils flared. I realized I liked to call him Coach when I was mad. This was how we roused each other. It was a game and I loved it, and I found I couldn't stop myself from doing it every single opportunity I was given. A perilous game that came with no winner or end in sight.
"What is going on with you today? Is something wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong with me. I'm just trying to get changed so I can return to practice."
Much to my surprise, Kova changed his tune. "When you are finished dressing, meet me by bars."
I nodded and quickly changed after he exited the locker room. Before I left, I checked my little white notecard Dad had wanted me to keep specifically in my gym bag. It had all the times I had to take medicine and which ones until I remembered them by heart. I read over it, then pushed my pill bag all the way to the back and locked up my locker.
Kova and I practiced hard together, him instructing me the whole way with any little tips of the trade he could offer. He barked out orders and I took them in silence like a good student. It was just like we'd done from the beginning and I craved that mentally. I'd completely forgotten about the dark cloud that hung over my head while I was in the zone.
"I think you are ready to move forward," he said, rubbing his hands together. The bold optimism in his eyes gave me the courage I was lacking today. There was no way he'd even consider this if he didn't think I’d thoroughly mastered the skill to move on to the next step—adding the full twist. This was huge for me right now.
Maybe I'd been too hard on myself.
"You feel like I'm ready to move on?"
He studied me. "I would never have you move on if I did not have complete confidence in you."
I smiled from ear to ear. If he felt I was ready, then I was ready.
"Okay…but will you spot me?" I asked, adjusting my grips. I needed him, wanted him there as cushion.
"Of course. I plan to be here until you are ready to do it on your own."
Stepping near the low bar, Kova moved to stand in front of me instead of behind me. I looked at him, a little trepidation riling me up. His eyes softened.
"It is only one more half turn. You can do this."
"I know I can, Coach. The first time is always the scariest, though."
One corner of his mouth turned up. "Adrianna, you do not have to keep calling me Coach. We both know I am much more than that."
I offered him the faintest smile, then pulled myself up onto the low bar before swinging to the high bar. A handstand and two full swings, I was letting go into the first layout, floating through the air into another straight body layout.
"Tight… Tight… Tight…" Kova said, his voice so close to me.
Right where I would twist, I pulled my arms to my chest, fists in snug balls and head tucked in, I cranked to the left and pulled a one-and-a-half twist. Spotting the ground, I drove my heels down, but my chest was too low and I felt my body leaning over.
Kova was there immediately. As a coach, he needed a sharp eye and quick reflexes. He needed to be a hero in that moment, and he was. His strong arm came out and coiled around my stomach to prevent me from falling farther. I took a step, and he pulled me back like it was nothing.
Breathing heavily, I grabbed his
arm and dug my fingers into him. I was a little uneasy.
"Not too bad," he said, releasing me quickly. "There are a few things I could comment on, but seeing as it was your first time, I will refrain. Let us do it again."
Exhaling the anxiety, I chalked up, then I was back on the high bar. Another dismount, and Kova caught me again. I waited to be critiqued, but all he said was, "Again."
Gymnastics was all about repetition, repetition, repetition. Hours upon hours of the same thing over and over would seem daunting to most, but I loved it, because I still found it fun after all these years. Muscles needed to be trained to remember how to perform, and the only way to do that was to duplicate the exercise or skill hundreds and hundreds of times. It created a memory for the muscles and brain. And as much as I was hard on myself for not getting it right the first couple of times, I knew it was par for the course.
We were nonstop with no break in between. However, after two hours, a sudden sense of sheer exhaustion took hold of me just as I cast into a handstand on the high bar. I blinked a few times and breathed through my nose, gripping the bar as tight as I could.
"Squeeze," Kova ordered, drawing out the word. "Squeeze, Adrianna."
I tried so hard to fight it. My arms became weak and my elbows shook violently. I tightened my fingers around the bar and prayed I could hold on, but my heart was racing so fast and I felt winded.
Something wasn't right. And if I proceeded any further, I had a feeling it would be bad.
My hips dropped and I came down recklessly, slamming my pelvis onto the bar with an oomph. My arms bent and I let out a long grunt. I struggled to lock my elbows to pull myself up, but I just couldn't do it.
I released my hold, free falling to the floor.
And Kova watched me fall.
My knees crashed into the landing mat. Little specs of chalk floated in front of my vision. I closed my eyes, ashamed of how my body just gave out like that.
"What the hell was that!" Kova yelled. "Get back up! We are not done here!"
I got back up on the high bar, but lethargy was a pressure in my chest that consumed me. My hips rested on the bar. I couldn't lift myself into a handstand. I tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry. I blinked a few times trying to make the silver flashes of stars disappear. I didn't have the strength to hold myself up, and it scared me. My heart was pounding viciously. Had I always been this weak and I didn't know it, so I kept pushing until I could barely walk?