by Lucia Franco
I knew now that pushing myself wasn't the brightest idea I’d ever had, but I didn't have any another options. I was backed against a wall. I didn't want kidney disease to be what stole gymnastics from me. If I never achieved my dream, it was going to be because of me, not because a disease stronger than me took it.
I hardly spoke until Kova finally cornered me when we rotated to vault.
"What is wrong with you today?" he asked, his voice low and laced with curiosity.
I shrugged one shoulder and averted my gaze. I watched my teammates. "Nothing. I'm fine."
Kova shifted on his feet. "Listen, if this is about yesterday—"
I glanced up. "It's not. I have a lot on my mind right now and I'm just focusing on the skill at hand. I'm sorry for my attitude."
He observed me for a long moment. Probably surprised I apologized for once. "If something is wrong, you would come to me, right?"
A mixture between a laugh and a huff escaped me before I could stop it. "Yeah, I'll run right over," I said full of sarcasm.
He stepped closer to me and angled his head down. My heart beat a little harder. Lowering his voice, he said, "I am serious, Adrianna."
"So am I, Coach."
Kova exhaled through his nose like he was defeated. "Let us get started on vault. You practiced well on beam today. I am very impressed."
I was a little caught off guard by his praise. A timid smile tugged on one corner of my mouth, and he returned it.
Little actions like that, they were what pierced my heart more than words. They brightened my day.
Vault practice was different. I went light on my dismounts. Kova placed a three-inch-thick landing mat on top of the foam pit so my heels wouldn't slam into the floor each time. I had a forward flipping vault and a backward flipping vault to practice.
"Two hours. One hour for each vault."
I nodded and chalked up, rubbing the dry, white powder on the bottoms of my feet and behind my knees. Stepping behind the white tape, I visualized my skill.
Clapping his hands, Kova crouched at the knees so he was parallel to the apparatus, and yelled, "Go!"
I loved when he turned coach mode on. It helped snap me into place.
And so it began. After the first hour, I was thirsty and needed to use the bathroom. My bladder was going to explode if I didn't relieve myself soon.
"Grab a drink. Ten-minute break."
"Thanks," I said and jogged to the locker room. I took a swig of water, then checked my notecard to see which medicines and vitamins I was due for. I was so happy my dad had suggested this idea.
Glancing over my shoulder to make sure I was alone, my hands trembled as I poured out the necessary pills. Quickly, I swallowed them back, pushed the bottles deep into my bag and grabbed an all-natural protein bar. I peeled back the wrapper and took a small bite, then another, and another. I didn't have an appetite, but I forced myself to eat at least half. I didn't want to get lightheaded. Not after yesterday. I threw the rest away and brushed my hands together. It was really all I could stomach. Sticking to a low-calorie diet was easier these days when my mind was twisted with worry.
I grabbed an extra bottle of water to bring back with me into the gym. Sports drinks of any kind were not allowed inside, only water.
Right before I went back to train for the second half of the day, I stepped into the restroom. Pulling off a leotard during practice was like taking off soaked jeans. The struggle was real. I squatted to pee and hoped the burning sensation in my bladder left once I relieved myself, but the strangest thing was, while I had the urge to go, hardly anything came out. Guess I didn't have to go to the bathroom after all.
Washing my hands, I glanced at my reflection and frowned. I looked like a hot mess. There were flyaways everywhere. I tried to smooth them back with a little water and then tightened my ponytail. I had dark circles under my eyes and I was a little pale, but the good news was the rash I'd been sporting for the past two weeks had come down a lot. It was hardly noticeable now. That was a huge positive in my eyes because that meant the medications were working.
Kova eyed my water bottle when I stepped back into the gym. "That better be water." He nodded his chin toward it.
I gave him a droll stare. "No. It's vodka."
My lips twitched, so did his. "Do not start with me."
"Like I would ever do such a thing and talk back."
Kova didn't respond but I caught a shadow of humor in his eyes. A small smile tugged at my lips. I needed that.
Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I snatched my car keys from the bench and turned around to leave just as Kova stepped into the room looking as cool as a cucumber. Most everyone had left by now since it was so late in the day, so I wasn't surprised to see him in here with just me.
I drew in a breath. Our eyes locked. He had his hands in the pockets of his netted shorts as he leaned casually against the door frame. He wore a loose black sleeveless shirt and his hat faced backwards so the flat bill was in the back. He didn't have a line of worry on his face and he looked totally kissable.
Damn it. Don't go there.
My shoulders loosened. I was a little jittery inside, but his presence soothed me. I hated when he wore that hat because he looked so damn sexy in it. Black was his color.
It was also the color of his heart.
"How was ballet class?" he asked.
"It was actually great."
His forehead creased. "It was great," he mimicked.
No, I’d fucking hated every second of it and planned his demise in the process.
"Yeah! The new dance teacher was pretty awesome, and I liked that she had us do some kind of yoga stretching things at the end. That was cool. She said we're going to do it once a week."
Kova stared quietly. He wasn't buying it.
"Well," I said when he didn't say anything, "I'm gonna go. I'm beat. I'll see you tomorrow, Coach."
Walking toward Kova, I could smell the scent of his cologne before I reached him. He stopped me by placing his hand on the inside of my elbow. His thumb gently rubbed back and forth on the crease of my arm.
It was then that I noticed just how deep the lines under his eyes were. "What's up?"
Kova looked down and studied me. His eyes shifted, brows lowering. "Are you okay?"
I drew in a silent breath. "I'm fine, why?"
He leisurely shrugged one shoulder. "Just asking. When women say they are fine, it usually means they are lying, and I am fairly certain you said that you are fine a few times today."
He'd paid too close attention.
"I'm fantastic. How's that?" I retorted sarcastically with a massive smile that caused him to tug me closer until I was against him. I drew in a quiet gasp when our bodies touched. Without realizing it, I leaned into him and embraced his warmth.
I missed that. I missed him.
I missed us. What we used to be, what we had.
We didn't move, save for his thumb still running circles on my arm. I couldn't tear my eyes from his and went with what I was feeling in my heart. Leaning my cheek on his chest, I wrapped my arms around his back and closed my eyes. Kova didn't hesitate and that made my stupid heart even weaker for him. We melted into each other like this was where we belonged, where we needed to be. He hugged me tighter, then leaned down and inhaled deeply before kissing the top of my head. I squeezed him, releasing all the negativity in my life. I wanted him to come home with me, where I could just sit in his arms and forget about my issues.
Looking up at him, I felt the longing in his green eyes that I knew was reflected in mine and almost asked if he wanted to come over. I noticed the tight lines around his mouth and creases between his brows. But I didn't ask. Instead, all I could do was offer him a sad smile. He returned it, but I wished he hadn't, because that gave me the clarification I needed.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I whispered, then stepped away.
Kova reached for me, his hand dragging down my arm until he reached my wrist. He gave my hand
a little squeeze.
The emotion swirling in his green gaze was overriding my common sense. I didn't want to leave, and I knew he didn't want me to either.
But Kova let go, and I finally walked away.
"Adrianna," he called right before I reached the lobby. I glanced over my shoulder. He was standing where I'd left him, looking so lonely that I almost ran back to him.
"Yes?" I finally said after a long moment.
His brooding eyes held me in place. My heart skipped a beat as I waited.
"Nothing. It is nothing. I wanted to talk to you, but we can pick it up another day. Go rest. I will see you tomorrow."
Without waiting a beat longer, I quickly walked out and climbed into my truck. If I didn't hurry up, I was going to turn around and run into his arms.
I had less than a week until my next big meet. I couldn't afford to break, but with everything on my mind lately, I felt like it was coming.
Eight
"I have been trying to get ahold of you all day, Adrianna," my father bellowed through the speaker. I pulled the phone away from my ear. I'd missed a bunch of his calls this afternoon.
After I’d arrived home, I showered and then heated up something to eat so I could take my medicine with food. I'd skipped eating regular meals today since I didn't have much of an appetite. I'd only had half a protein bar and I gathered that could be the reason why I was so anxious and edgy. My hands couldn't stop shaking, my heart beat faster than normal, and I was a little nauseous.
"Couldn't you have sent a text at least? I was starting to worry. I almost called Konstantin."
I pressed the phone to my shoulder with my ear while I sat on a barstool. "I'm sorry, Dad. I was so busy with practice that I didn't have much time in between. I have a lot on my mind right now."
"I understand that, sweetheart, but we made a deal. I need to be able to reach you." He sighed, and I apologized again for worrying him. "I got your appointments scheduled for the day after tomorrow. Will that work for you?"
I swallowed a spoonful of bone broth. I loved this stuff since it was easy on my stomach. "Yes. I'll let Kova know tomorrow that I won't be in. Did you mention that if I need any tests done they’ll have to be done the same day and to make arrangements for that?"
I hoped I hadn't come across as a diva, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
"Yes. Everything is taken care of."
My shoulders relaxed. "Perfect. Thank you so much for doing that for me. I was worried the receptionist would give me the go-around and make me come back for each issue if I’d called myself. I just don't have the time for that right now."
"It pays to know people in higher places. Anything for my daughter. I'll text you the info and times. Please keep me updated."
I smiled and thanked him again. After saying goodbye, I placed my phone down and forced myself to drink the rest of the broth. Between the acidic feeling high up in my stomach, and the awful metallic taste in my mouth, I knew eating was a must, even if I wasn't hungry. The broth usually helped settle that uneasy feeling.
I walked into the kitchen and reached into the refrigerator to pull out the carton of eggs, butter, bacon, shredded cheese, an onion, and some garlic. Then I grabbed an avocado and a lime I had in a bowl sitting on the counter. I had a feeling the medicines were messing with me and that I needed to create some kind of barrier to coat my stomach before I took them. The broth had helped a little, but I thought actually eating might do the trick.
I pulled out a plastic bag of whole wheat English muffins from the freezer. I hadn't had one in so long and decided I would make a breakfast sandwich for dinner, and an extra one for tomorrow morning.
I scrambled the eggs while standing barefoot in the kitchen, freezing from the icy tile under my feet. Goose bumps trickled down my arms. Quickly, I walked to my room and grabbed a sweater. I wasn't usually this cold and now I wondered if the chills had to do with some other underlying illness I may have now.
I was going to turn into a hypochondriac at this rate.
As the eggs cooked, I took out the necessary pills for the evening and placed them on the counter, then I took out the ones for the morning as well and placed them in a separate little bowl.
I was anxious about my appointment. With my Achilles injury, all I had to do was get out of bed the wrong way and I could pretty much snap it completely, but at least that was fixable. I had control of it, in a sense. But with the chronic illnesses I now faced, and all the family history I’d recently discovered, I had zero control over my body, and that terrified me. I wasn't in control of my thoughts anymore. They grabbed the reins and controlled me. Keeping my focus and emotions in place had been harder than I thought, and I was fighting blindly to take it back.
I wanted to call Avery and talk to her. I needed an outlet, and we'd always been each other's shoulder to lean on. No doubt she'd listen to me now—it was just who she was—but I still felt selfish for how I’d treated her when she’d wanted to come clean. I'd refused to allow her to and had shut her out for so long, yet here I was wanting to vent to her when I hadn’t been there for her. She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve to bear the burden of my thoughts and fears when I selfishly hadn’t been there to hold hers.
I shook my head, disgusted with myself. I was a terrible person and regretted how I'd treated her. If I could go back and change how I’d behaved, I would.
Fifteen minutes later, I sat on a barstool with an egg and cheese sandwich piled high with bacon, slowly sautéed onions and garlic, and smashed avocado and lime. I took a bite and moaned. Thank goodness no one was around to hear the sounds coming out of me.
I took a few more bites, then I palmed my medicine and swallowed the handful of pills. I took another bite. And another. Halfway through I was full and wrapped what was left in foil.
I turned everything off and climbed into bed with my sweater still on. I was still too cold to take it off.
Exhaustion hit faster than I expected, my eyes heavy and trying to close. I yawned, pulling the blanket up to my chin and rolled onto my side. Now that I was sitting still for the first time today, my joints and muscles started to coil up and tighten. I swallowed, praying for sleep to take over so I didn't have to endure the pain I knew was about to hit any minute once my body had a chance to relax.
I bolted upright and ran to the bathroom in the dark. Before I could stop it, projectile vomit flew from my mouth and splattered on the floor just as I reached the toilet. Crashing to my knees, my hair fell around my face, shielding me in even more darkness. The putrid smell assaulted my senses as more bile climbed up the back of my throat. Blindly, I crawled to flip on the light switch. Oh God. My stomach twisted with knots as my body rejected more of what I'd eaten for dinner into the ceramic bowl.
I closed my eyes and tried not to breathe in the smell, knowing it would only make it worse. Little beads of sweat bubbled on my upper lip when more vomit came up. Leaning over, I grabbed the edge of the seat as I spewed, the tips of my hair falling inside the rim. My eyes widened. Tears were free falling from vomiting so hard and I panicked at how thoroughly grossed out I was at seeing my hair mixed in there.
After what felt like ten minutes of throwing up that ended with dry heaving, I was crouched on my knees holding my cramping stomach. Heat spread throughout my lower back and I winced in pain. Using the wall, I stood, wobbling on my knees and walked toward the shower. I pulled off my sweater, then grabbed my shirt and used it to wipe my mouth and face before discarding it to the floor along with the rest of my clothes.
I stepped under the spray and sighed from the heat of the scalding water when another surge of pain attacked my back. I cried out and braced myself, placing one hand to the tiles and the other on my back. I took deep breaths, panting heavily as I cursed everything I knew and prayed for the pain to stop.
Curled up in a ball, I was back in my bed with relentless shivering. I glanced at the clock and blinked. It was 3 a.m. Two more hours before the alarm
would go off.
Tomorrow would be rough, but I'd endure it. I clenched my eyes shut. Tears seeped from the corners and I wept in silent agony as I fell asleep to the sound of my muffled cries and the throbbing pain beating on my back.
"Coach?" I said, tapping lightly on his door. Kova was in the middle of paperwork or something. His hand was moving quickly over the paper he was scribbling on.
Kova glanced up and did a double take. He almost looked as bad as I felt, and for a brief moment, I wondered if he'd even gone home last night.
"Why are you here so early?"
"That's why I wanted to talk to you. Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my orthopedic doc. Now before you think—"
He looked down without letting me finish and started writing again. "I am already aware."
My stomach dropped and clenched. Kova's words were clipped with underlying aggravation. I hoped he wasn't upset with me.
"How'd you know?"
Such a stupid question when I already knew the answer.
"Your father."
"Oh, yeah. What did he say?"
He glanced up again, pinning me to the spot with a riled stare. I truly didn't think my dad would go against me like that, but now I wasn't so sure.
"You tell me, Adrianna. Is there something I should know?"
My jaw bobbed wordlessly. His brashness caught me off guard. "No, I just didn't want you to think I was trying to get out early or miss practice or anything, so I had my dad make sure everything was done in one day. That’s why I came in early, so I could make up for time—obviously not the whole time because that wouldn't be possible—but as much as I can." I said the words so fast I didn't take a breath. His long, quiet stare provoked me. I propped my hands on my hips and said, "Well?"
"Well, what, Adrianna?" He enunciated each word with a bite.