by Lucia Franco
My lips parted in disbelief as air seized my lungs.
I stared at Kova, my jaw bobbing helplessly as I searched for words but came up short.
My mind had to be playing tricks on me.
I dug deeper, glaring at him, praying I hadn't heard those words.
The silence between us stiffened to a crashing sound, threatening me to an asphyxiating level.
"What?" I asked, breathless. I shook my head. There was no way.
Sympathy was in full effect and it made my heart crumble. He extended his hand, but I stepped out of his reach, as if I couldn't stand to be touched by him. Hurt showed in his eyes but I disregarded it.
"What did you say?"
"I know," he said softly. And in my heart, I knew what he meant. "I know everything, and I cannot handle seeing you torture yourself knowing what I know any longer."
I kept shaking my head and inhaling deep and slow. "You know nothing. Nothing." My voice was a whisper.
"Ria, krasivaya, I have known since the beginning."
I could barely breathe. The cage around my heart fractured down the center and opened up, spilling out my heart. I turned around to wrench my bag from my locker. My other shoe fell to the floor and I didn't bother to pick it up.
Fuck running. Fuck everyone. Fuck this life I was dealt.
"No," I said more to myself. No, my dad wouldn't do that. He wouldn't lie to me, not after everything. Everything. "You're lying. You're just trying to manipulate me."
Tears fell fast and hard and I was unable to stop them. Just as I was about to swing the bag over my shoulder, Kova placed a hand to my upper arm.
His fingers, his truth, his compassion, it was all felt in his touch and said everything I didn't want to know.
I lost it. The touch was so simple and enough to shatter me completely.
The strap slipped from my hand and my bag dropped to the floor. Turning around, my teeth gnashed together as I pushed Kova's chest with every ounce of strength I had in me. He was rock solid and I felt like I was pushing a brick wall, but I persisted. He stumbled back and tried to reach for me, but I pushed him again.
"You know nothing!" I screamed through the burning tears. "Nothing! My dad wouldn't do that to me! He wouldn't lie to me like that!"
"Ria," he said sadly, only trying to soothe me, but it triggered me even more.
One word, three letters, and it said everything I needed to know.
I shoved Kova again and he stepped back. I pushed him harder until he was against the wall. I couldn't stop. I couldn’t process anything he was saying. I couldn't hear.
"Stop it. Shut up! You know nothing!"
He gently cupped my arm, his compassion all too consuming. His touch told me the truth again, and I revolted against it. He let me hit him, slap him, shove him.
This was too much. I hated it. I was going to be sick. He didn't know. He was lying.
Kova was lying just like he always did, but then his next set of words shattered me completely, forever changing us.
"I know about the lupus and kidney disease."
Twenty-One
I snapped, and tears fell in thick streams down my cheeks to the corners of my mouth. They seeped into me, fueling me with fierce resentment and hurt unlike I'd ever felt before.
"No one was supposed to know!"
Kova grabbed my upper arms and I reacted quickly by swinging myself out of his hold. He grabbed me again and this time I slapped his chest. He flinched but tightened his hold.
"Let go of me," I screamed, my hand connecting with his chest. "Get away from me. Everyone is a liar. Everyone! I hate it so much. All everyone does is just lie. No one was supposed to know, including you!"
I yanked away, but Kova was too strong. He pulled me to his chest and I fell into him. I let myself cry for a moment, whimpering against him as he held me, my back vibrating with sorrow. I let out an exhausted cry, but I didn't back down and continued to fight him.
"Your father was worried. He meant no harm."
I drew in an audible breath and pulled away. "So you knew this whole time?"
Kova stared down his nose, his eyes low and sober. "I have."
I blinked rapidly trying to get the tears to stop so I could see clearly. "How? How could you have known for so long?"
"Your father called me," he said unsympathetically. "He said the doctor's office had called him with the lupus results and wanted to do further testing but you had not shown up. This was months and months ago. He was concerned and knew you were under pressure but did not want to panic you, so he asked me to convince you to go. He also asked that I not tell you I knew." His eyes roamed my face. Lowering his voice, he said, "I cannot handle seeing you like this any longer. I am worried about you, Adrianna. You are fading away and wearing yourself out, and I know why. You want to avoid the problem and act like nothing is serious, that it cannot control your life, but you cannot do that. It will only hurt you more in the long run. That is what my mother did, and I refuse to see you do that. You should have come to me."
My lips parted in realization. "When you told me I couldn't come back to practice until I went to the doctor… That time I stayed at your house… That's how long you’ve known?"
"Before that. Your father and I have been in close contact regarding your health. I learned when you came back from the training camp that it was a high possibility there was something wrong. I found out shortly after."
Hot tears silently poured out of me. This whole time I thought I'd been fighting against myself to prove I could handle my training schedule, when in fact Kova was just allowing everything because he felt sorry for me. His tolerance made total sense now, and it offended me. His way of handling my sickness was pitying me.
My eyes searched his. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, something other than sympathy. Was he sad that my chance of achieving my Olympic dream had lessened dramatically? Or that I had an incurable disease that could strip me as a person? Did it change how he viewed me as just Ria?
Or even worse. Did he label me now?
"I have always admired your tenacity, but this madness ends now."
He admired me.
"I…I…" I swallowed, trying to find my voice. "I need to leave."
I couldn't be held responsible for my actions at this point. Between the blind rage and numbness, his touch, the sound of his deep voice enveloping me, the energy was too powerful in me to break free.
Turning away, I blindly located my bag, looking but not really looking. I bent down and reached inside to feel for my keys. Grabbing them, I stood up and quickly walked toward the door in a daze.
"Adrianna," Kova said, clucking his tongue behind me. "Where are you going? You cannot drive in this condition."
"Go away."
I gripped my keys tightly. No way was he going to steal them from me this time, but Kova was quick on his feet and trailed me to my car.
As soon as I stepped outside, the rain pelted me in the face, soaking me instantly. I was chilled to the bone with aches. Kova muttered a string of words in Russian, and for once I didn't care what he’d said.
"Let me drive you home."
"Go home to your wife."
I reached for the handle, but Kova placed his hand on the door and stopped me. I blew out a frustrated breath through my nose and grinded my back teeth together.
"Stop this. Talk to me," he demanded, pressing his chest to my back.
"I'm sure she's waiting on you."
"She is not home."
A mocking laugh escaped me. "How convenient. No wonder you're acting like this. You have no reason to rush home or anyone to answer to right now, so you talk to me because you won't get caught."
God forbid, he, or anyone, ever put me and my wishes first.
He stepped to the side and angled his body toward mine. "No, you misunderstand. She is here in Cape Coral but staying with a friend who has a generator. She did not want to lose power and she was concerned for the puppy. She is five minutes f
rom here."
"You got a puppy?" My voice was small and far away. I turned to look up at him. He confirmed it with one nod of his head. The thought saddened me. "Lovely. Next comes kids because that's what everyone does. They get a stupid dog first before they have a kid."
Kova's nostrils flared. He stared, breathing down my neck, not caring he was soaking wet from the rain. His silence solidified my statement and a little whimper left my lips. My jaw trembled with emotion that was suffocating me.
"Adrianna, please. Let me drive you home," he offered.
Thunder sounded in the distance. "I want to be alone."
Kova stood close enough that I could feel him without touching me.
For a split second, I wanted him to reach out and pull me into his arms even though I said no.
I wanted him to fight me and tell me everything was going to be okay, to let me cry on him until I passed out.
I wanted him to say he would always be there for me.
It was a ridiculous thought, considering all things.
I didn't like that he had gotten a puppy, or that he knew my secret. His life wasn't thrown off its axis like mine had been. His life wasn't going to change for the worst the way mine had. No, Kova was busy planning a future, while I was struggling to hold on to what was left of mine.
My breathing labored. An eerie calmness settled in me, a slow current of endorphins rising through my blood. I fought it. I didn't want to let go. I knew it wouldn't be good if I did. I knew every single thing I'd been holding in would come to the surface and I'd break. I needed to be able to control my emotions, but what I really wanted to do was scream and shout and lose it and just cry ugly loud tears to get it all out.
"Adrianna. Answer me."
I slammed my hand against the door and turned toward Kova. Chills slithered down my arms, the rainy breeze pressed on my skin like little knives. Through gritted teeth, I bit out, "You already know everything! What more do you want?" He remained silent, a pensive look crossed his face. "What, Kova? What do you want from me?"
"I know you have not told anyone, and that is not healthy. You have to talk about it, otherwise it will eat away at you and you will lose everything."
"I don't have anything else to lose," I said, looking him directly in the eyes.
A melancholy loss plagued his beautiful eyes, making me almost crumble into his palm. "I want to hear you tell me through your words and your voice. Let me be there for you."
My chest ached from the beating my heart was getting. I didn't want anyone to be there for me, to make me talk. They were there because they felt bad and no other reason. Not because they cared or wanted to hear me complain. No one wanted to hear complaints.
Tears mingled with the rain and I hiccupped. He was right. I needed to get it all out, but there was no way I could do that without crying, without freaking out. Without looking like a total crazy person. I'd held so much in to stay strong. I was already on the edge and that's not what I needed right now, especially during a hurricane that would keep me trapped in the condo for a whole day, maybe more.
Thunder rumbled across the darkening sky again, this time louder. The hair on the back of my neck rose. The clouds illuminated from the bolt of lightning I caught in the distance.
Kova placed an arm around my shoulders. "Come. Let me take you home."
Digging deep, I reached for resolute determination and exhaled through my nose. I'd talk when I was ready, not because people were talking behind my back and they felt bad so they had to coax it out of me.
Hauling my car door open, I climbed in. "No," was all I said, then quickly closed the door in his face and locked it. No way was I letting my guard down again.
I threw my duffle onto the passenger seat and wiped my eyes. Thunder roared and bellowed, frightening me. Kova immediately pulled on the handle but had no luck. I pressed the start button, then slowly reversed my truck with Kova walking next to me yelling and pounding on the tinted window.
I ignored Kova over the rumble and roar closing in on us. I strapped on my seat belt and headed for the main road, soaking wet and freezing as I leaned forward trying to see the color of the road lights. My cell phone rang and I reached blindly in the cup holder where I always kept it. Empty. Shit. After a quick glance down, I realized it was in my duffle bag.
Forgetting about it, I focused on the road and carefully drove home. Tears poured from my eyes. Misery consumed me but vengeance filled my blood. I could barely see the road between the rain and the blur of my anguish. My fingers tightened around the steering wheel until the skin on my knuckles stretched white. I was angry. Why did everyone have to hurt each other? So many lies meant to protect but ultimately caused the most heartache. It was horrible and sad and I wanted it all to stop.
Bright lights flashed in my rearview mirror. I sat up higher and shot a brief look over my shoulder at the black car with the dark-as-night tint in disbelief.
I drew in a small breath.
My cell phone rang again but I ignored it. I pressed on the accelerator, gunning it, driving faster, a little too fast for the rain. Red lights flashed ahead at the bridge and the barricades lowered as the draw bridge went up. I should've slowed down, but I pushed the gas pedal to the floor. My truck jolted and I flew over the bridge. A rush of fear steamrolled through my heart and I gripped the wheel tighter, praying I didn't hurt myself.
A quick glance in the rearview mirror showed Kova flying over the bridge behind me. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything less considering he drove a sports car.
Within minutes, I pulled into my condo complex and parked my truck with a little too much gusto. I sniffled and grabbed my keys but left everything else. I ran through the rain to the entrance and toward the elevator as Kova pulled into a handicap spot.
The elevator dinged and I stepped inside. I pressed the number for my floor and tapped the close button incessantly so the door would close faster.
"Adrianna!"
I glanced up with wide eyes to see Kova running toward me. Heart racing, I pressed the button harder and faster and chanted to myself, "Hurry up! Hurry up!"
I sighed in relief when the door finally closed in his face. Silent tears fell and I wiped them away as I leaned against the cold glass wall of the elevator.
The doors opened on my floor and Kova was standing in front of me. My heart dropped and I stumbled, wondering how the second elevator got here faster than mine did.
Twenty-Two
"I took the stairs," Kova answered my unasked question.
Of course he did.
We fell into step and walked side by side.
"Why are you even here?" I said.
"Because you are here."
"I want to be alone."
"I want to be with you."
I stuck my key into the lock and clenched my eyes shut. I tried not to feel his words or the gentle tone he used. Before I opened my door, I turned around and met his gaze.
"Listen, I know you're just trying to help me and be nice and all, but I'm not in the best of moods and can't be held responsible for my actions. You have no idea what I'm feeling inside right now. I'm hurt and upset and it's best if I'm left alone. So, please, go home," I pleaded with him.
"That is okay." He stepped closer, and the heat of his body made my heart skip a beat. "Take it out on me. Let me feel your rage. Give it all to me."
My jaw trembled. I didn't want him to be nice to me. Not right now.
"No," I whispered, and turned away to open the door.
"I know you are still angry with me and have been for a while now. I deserve it. I know what you are feeling has a lot to do with the secrets you hold inside. So, give me your worst. There is nothing you can do that I have not already felt anyway."
My breathing deepened, each breath lifting my emotions to the point of no return.
"You have no idea what you're talking about." I gritted my teeth. "I want to explode, okay? I want to punch things. I want to cry and scream and ask why me�
�� Why me? What did I do to deserve this life? These odds? In the blink of an eye, my world changed overnight with things you have no idea about. I've been holding everything in for so long, on top of training and fighting against myself, and I just want to let go and do it alone. Why can't you understand that? Why can't anyone just let me be? Why does everyone have some sort of secret about me that just destroys my life?" I asked, my voice rising and tears climbing again. "Just go away, damn it."
A couple of hours ago I’d dreaded the thought of being isolated. Now that Kova was aware of my secret and had known about it for so long, I craved the seclusion. I felt weird inside. I didn't want him to see me any differently, but he already did.
He ran a hand down his face, then looked me directly in the eye. "I know about your mother. Frank told me what happened. I know everything, Adrianna."
All the air left my lungs again for the second time today. That was it. The tears fell again, harder, faster, and I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to. My head spun as my world spiraled away with one admission at a time.
"Why… Why did you not tell me?" Kova asked, the hurt in his voice did not go unnoticed. "You should have told me."
Prickles of resentment rolled down my arms. I bit the inside of my lip, trying to keep my composure, but knew there was very little to hold on to.
Any second I was going to burst. The dam was going to break and it was just going to come out.
"I should have told you? You have some nerve to tell me that after everything you've done. You know why I didn't tell you? Because it's none of your damn business, that's why. It has nothing to do with you! It doesn't affect your life."
He stepped closer and I pressed a hand to his chest. Inches from my face, he breathed down at me. "Like hell it does not. Everything you do has to do with me. Do you not see that by now?"
I scoffed and shoved at his chest but he didn't budge, and it only made me angrier.
"It's not, though. Not everything is about you. In fact, it has nothing to do with you! It's about me and my life, not yours. So, fuck off, Kova." I paused. "You know what? I'm done with this conversation. Done with you in my face. Done with the lies. Just done with all the bullshit. I wish I could just disappear."