by Lucia Franco
The obscurity of my room made it difficult to see beyond the bed, but at this closeness our faces came into view. Kova's eyes glowed with vulnerability. In the darkness he was defenseless, but he still found a way to hold on to me.
"Now you tell me something," I said.
"Are you just going to skip over the lupus and kidney disease?"
I was quiet. "I was kind of hoping you'd forget. My dad told you everything anyway."
"I want to hear it come from your lips."
Exhaling a deep sigh, I gave Kova what he wanted.
"What do you want me to tell you? That I'm scared? That I want to live a long life and I'm terrified I won't? Because I am. I don't want to acknowledge how sick I am, so I do stupid things to keep my mind busy, like extra conditioning. I hate taking all that medication and sometimes I choke on it. I want to have a family one day but my chances are slim. I want to travel, I want to see the world. Right now I want to go to the Olympics. I'm so close but I'm scared something will happen and prevent me from making it all the way. That I'll get too sick. I don't want people to look at me with pity and feel bad, or look at me any differently. I want to go to college. I want to compete in college. But will my kidney disease progress to the point I have to go on dialysis sooner than expected? Will I get so sick and worn out from it that I won't be able to do gymnastics any longer? When will I finally need a transplant? What happens if no one is a match? Because right now, no one is and the thought of never finding one terrifies me more than anything. Am I killing myself, literally killing myself for not starting dialysis now? What if the lupus causes me to have a flare up during a meet and I get so deep inside my head I become a basket case and ruin everything?" My voice shook and tears filled my eyes.
"I'm trying to stay positive, but my hope is slipping. Every day my window of optimism shuts a little more. The anxiety and fear is smothering me and all I do is cry about it. I'm too young to feel like this, but I don't know how not to think about it." Then, I went into a spew about all the medications and doctor visits and blood work and tests I have to do and how often. I let it all out without holding a thing back.
And it felt good. Really good.
Kova held me tighter. Dipping his chin, he lifted my face until our lips were just a breath apart. "If you were not scared then I would be worried. Yes, I knew all these things, but I needed to hear them from you. I needed to hear your voice speak them. Thank you for finally telling me." Kova paused and kissed the top of my hand. "I want to be that person for you, Ria. I want you to come to me, to talk to me whenever you are scared or worried. We both know I have not been great at that, but I have been working on it, which you have known. Our toxic moments are over, yes?"
I nodded.
"Good. We need to be there for each other at all times."
"I don't like talking about it though, because then it makes it real." I sniffled. "I don't want to make it real. I just want it all to go away."
Kova kissed my forehead. "Do not let lupus define you. Do not let kidney disease beat you. That is not what you are about. You are a fighter and why I love you so fucking much. Instead, look at it differently. Do not let it drown you. Let the diseases inspire you. Make them give you the life you have always wanted to live."
My voice hitched. "How do I do that? I don't know how. I feel so lost, so scared."
"You just live. You live like every day is your last. You live, and you let those who want to live with you, live too. Do not shut the world out because you are hurting. You are going to miss everything that is beautiful about this chaotic thing we call life. You have a reason to fight now more than ever."
A tear slipped from the corner of my eye and rolled down my temple.
"And you have me. You will always have me." Kova pressed a hard kiss to my lips. "Let me live with you."
I squeezed my eyes shut while Kova held me closer. His last words nearly broke my heart because they were honest to God so real and I felt them in every fiber of my body. Little whimpers left my vulnerable lips. I was petrified about my future. My heart burned with resentment for all the things I may never be able to do. But Kova’s soothing words, the way his heart coated them with tenderness, meant more than saying I love you.
He was right. I needed to live, and let those who wanted to, live with me.
"I told you I love you, Adrianna. I have only ever truly loved you."
"You're only saying these things because I'm sick."
"Make no mistake, I have loved you since I saw you." He stared reflectively at me. "But when life flashes before your eyes, you take all the risks you can. I do not want you to second-guess me anymore. I want you to know how I feel." He licked his lips. "This is us, Ria. There is no going back after this. Only forward."
Nodding my head, I kissed him hard. I wasn't sure how this was going to work, but I wanted to do exactly what Kova had said.
I would live like every day was my last day. I wanted to live.
And I wanted to do that with Kova.
Thirty-Five
Kova hadn't been at practice once I returned after the hurricane had passed.
It hurt my heart a little and I actually wondered if it had something to do with what we shared at my condo. About how he let me cut him and how he’d said he loved me, how he wanted to live with me. I tried not to focus on it too much, but when he didn't come in the following day, or the day after that, I really started to question everything. He'd been absent three full days, which again, was something completely unlike him. The last time he had done this he’d gotten married. My gut told me there wasn’t a drastic reason this time, but I started to worry and contemplated texting him. I controlled myself, even though it was a struggle. I didn’t want his absence to affect me, but he’d told me to live.
How could I live when he wasn't here to live with me?
Maybe he’d lost faith in me. Maybe what he’d said in my room a few days ago wasn't true. I'd shown more than just a moment of weakness. I'd let down my guard completely and welcomed him back in.
After practice I decided to take a drive by his house once the sun set to see if his car was there. I should've gone home to catch up on sleep I desperately wanted, but I knew my mind wouldn't rest not knowing.
Total stalker mode activated.
Much to my satisfaction, his car was parked in the driveway, but so was Katja's and a couple others I didn't recognize. Not that I would. The lights in his home were on and I could see shadows walking back and forth through the sheer drapes. If he didn't show up at the gym tomorrow, then I'd send him a text tomorrow night.
Thankfully, Kova did show up the following day, but he wasn't himself. He seemed restrained. His shoulders were rolled tight and his eyes were haunted. My heart felt lighter just from the sight of him. I smiled, but it vanished as he strode into his office without so much as a glance my way.
A knot formed in the pit of my stomach.
I inhaled, then exhaled. I had to let it go. I had a job to do, but the nagging feeling in my gut wouldn't go away now.
God. This sucked.
Madeline worked diligently with me for most of the day. Kova hardly looked in my direction. Usually when I looked for him, he was either already looking at me or would look because he felt me looking for him. But today he didn't acknowledge my presence. Not once. I didn't even feel the weight of his stare on me like usual. It was as if I didn't exist, and that hurt my heart so much.
Thankfully Avery would be here this week. I could vent to her and she could tell me what to do, and tell me if I was acting crazy or not.
When it came time to rotate to bars, Madeline said, "Great work today. You've shown so much improvement. It's like you're not the same person who arrived meek and afraid of her shadow on beam. All that hard work has paid off." She finished with a big smile. "Go over to bars. Don't keep Coach Kova waiting on you."
I nodded and smiled. During my day of doubt and questioning, I needed her praise more than I’d realized. "Thanks, Coach."
>
Taking a deep breath, I walked over to the uneven bars. I knew we were going to pick up where we left off with perfecting my dismount, but I also knew we had to start with the new release moves today too in order to stay on schedule.
"Hey," I said, walking right up to him.
Kova stood with his body angled away and his hands on his hips as he stared off into space. I glanced in his direction to see what he was staring at, but nothing caught my eye.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, still looking away.
"Much better…thanks for asking."
He nodded, his brows drawn together. "Let us get started."
"Kova…" I carefully and slowly drew out his name. "Are you okay? Is there something wrong? Did I do something wrong?"
He finally looked at me and his shoulders relaxed. Kova blinked rapidly a few times and the intense air surrounding him dissipated within seconds. He took a breath and I inhaled. Kova regarded me with a look of compassion that eased my doubts, then leaned in toward my face only to stop. He pulled back and I stared wide-eyed up at him.
His lips pursed together and he covered his mouth, smiling behind his hand. He’d been planning to kiss me as if it were normal for him to. I loved he had the instinctive urge to, just not here.
He cleared his throat. "Everything is fine. We do not have much time today with how much we need to accomplish, so let us get a move on. Wait—"
"Yes?"
"Are you feeling okay? Like really okay?"
One corner of my mouth pulled to the side. "I'm okay."
Kova nodded then walked over to the side to stand next to the bars. He retrieved his cell phone from his pocket and scrolled. I guess he’d gotten the screen fixed while he was away from the gym.
Chalking up, I watched him, his face scrunched up like he was reading something that bothered him. I picked up a small block of chalk and broke it, then sprayed water on my grips before applying more powder. Kova's fingers quickly moved over the screen and I knew I couldn’t hold back. It still bugged me not knowing why he hadn't been at the gym.
Tightening the Velcro, I asked, "Where've you been?"
"Home."
I bobbed my head, knowing that was all I was going to get. I clapped my hands, then wiped the chalk on my thighs.
"Sorry I asked."
The next three hours of practice felt like the longest hours of my life. He kept his promise and worked me on bars the way he always had and not like he pitied me and needed to make sure I was okay every ten seconds. I was relieved and took every direction he gave, but it was his attitude that got under my skin. He seemed bothered, even though I was doing everything right.
Kova may not have been barking out orders, but he grilled me with every opportunity that arose. His eagle eyes didn't miss a beat, and there was an indignation to his words that poked at my already sensitive nature. Kova barely touched me. He purposely stayed away from me and instructed me from behind the wires of the bars, yet I'd seen him earlier in the day work with other gymnasts at close range. There were times when I needed his guidance, his hands on me to show me how my body needed to be positioned, but he didn't budge. My frustration grew.
His engines were revved and poised for an argument, I could feel it. There was a storm brewing in Kova's eyes, I just wasn't sure if it had to do with me or not. I wanted to crawl under his skin and flush out what the issue was going on in his head. I wanted to give in, but I knew the only person who would suffer would be me. And that was upsetting for me because for some ridiculous reason I had no answer for, I wanted to help him like he had helped me.
At one point, I flat out yelled, "I don't understand! Show me how to do it!"
Still, he stayed back.
Even when tears coated my eyes from my inability to master a skill the way I wanted to, he stayed back. He saw my struggle. He was aware of how frustrated I had become. The distress in his torn eyes was clear, and so I resented him for making me open up. All I could think about was how dumb I was. How he could tell me he wanted to live with me only to put a ten-foot wall between us.
The clock struck seven and I clocked out mentally. Quickly, I gathered my things and rushed out to my locker, passing Reagan and Holly as they left. We said our goodbyes. The gym was nearly empty save for a few parents in the lobby. I needed to get home.
Stuffing my clothes and shoes into my duffle, I felt him before I even saw him.
"I'm sorry I let you down," I said through a broken, fragile voice. "I’m sorry I ever said anything to you." And I was. I wished I had never opened up now.
"Adrianna."
I didn't answer him. He called my name again.
Shaking my head, I ignored him. This wasn't fair. He didn't get to talk to me only on his terms.
I slammed my locker shut and turned around ready for a fight, only the Kova I saw wasn’t the Kova I was expecting. I softened a bit, but I left my aggravated expression firmly in place to show him I wasn't accepting his cute little smile like he was finally happy to see me.
Kova stepped into the room and walked right up to me. He grabbed my elbows and tried to loosen me up. I spoke before he could.
"You don't get to tell me you love me one second and then the next second act like you don't give a shit about me. That's not fair, Kova." I paused, feeling myself get totally emotional over this. "You said you wanted to live with me," I whispered. "I took that to heart."
"I know, and I apologize. It had nothing to do with you. I promise."
I frowned, unprepared for that or for the absolute sorrow in his green eyes.
"Will you give me a few minutes for the rest of the people to leave so we can talk?"
His head tilted to the side and he gave me a lazy smile that was impossible to refuse. I nodded. I didn't want to stay mad at him, not after what we had shared in those few days, and I wanted to know what had happened.
"Wait in my office."
I nodded again. Kova glanced over his shoulder, then quickly dropped a kiss to the top of my head. Turning around, he strode out of the locker room only to stop at the threshold. He paused with his hand on the ledge of the doorframe and looked over his shoulder at me.
His gaze dropped to the floor for a moment then met mine. "Just… Just know you did not let me down. I have some issues with Katja right now and that is on my mind nonstop. Not you." Then he was gone.
I tugged my duffle bag onto my shoulder and left the locker room, heading for his office with a little smile on my face. I felt a smidge better.
Opening the door, I reared back in complete surprise. Blood drained from my cheeks.
"Oh. Hey, Katja."
Thirty-Six
She knows. Remember, she knows, I told myself.
And she had my damn notebook.
“Adrianna," she said, rolling the R. She was seated in Kova's chair behind his desk, slowly swiveling side to side like she reigned supreme. "How is it you do?"
I plastered on an innocent smile and played it off. "I'm great. Just looking for my coach. I thought he was in here. I couldn't remember if we had a blading session tonight."
Eyes narrowing, she angled her head to the side. I had no reason not to like Katja. She'd been nothing but kind to me up to now, yet she was his wife and that was enough to make me hate her.
"But did you not have one just two nights ago?"
My brows bunched together. "Two nights ago?"
"Yes, Konstantin said he was here treating you."
Between her honeyed voice and devious grin, something told me she already knew the truth.
"Oh, yes," I said, covering for him. "I was here, we just didn't finish because it hurt too much. I asked if we could pick up another night."
The grin vanished from her flawless face and her eyes dropped. Katja had played me.
"Is that so?" she asked, and I nodded. "Because two nights ago Konstantin was not even in town. In fact, we just got back yesterday afternoon."
I nearly choked as I tried to swallow with a dry throat
. Katja stared me down. The pounding rate of my heart was like a loud drum in my ears. I wasn't sure how I could get out of this one. I needed to remain calm and think of a casual response without muddling up the situation even more.
"Two nights ago? Oh, I thought you said a few nights ago. Or maybe it was last week. I can't remember. The practice hours are long and the days tend to blend together. The brain fog is real with lupus," I added with an airy smile, playing it off. I was a little upset with myself over using that as an excuse. "I never thought it was until recently."
"Ah, yes. Konstantin did tell me about your death sentence a couple of months ago."
I sucked in a quiet gasp and pulled back, hurt that anyone could stoop to such a cruel level. I adjusted the strap on my shoulder and held it a little tighter.
"I don't have a death sentence. I'm fine."
"Well, you will never get better now, will you? Just continue to deteriorate." Her sugary words prickled my skin. She spoke like a know-it-all. "And you will never know if tomorrow you will take a turn for the worse, or three years from now, yes? One day the medicine will not help."
Sadness crept into me like black grease. The small smile I wore slid into a frown. I stared at her, stunned by how she could attack anyone in such a horrible manner. I knew I deserved it a little bit—I was sleeping with her husband after all—but she’d stooped to a level that was off limits regardless. What she’d said was what I had feared the most and what I was trying to work through.
Katja was as heartless as Joy. For a fleeting moment I wondered if Kova knew how mean she really was. Tears threatened to well in my eyes and I swallowed what little saliva I had left. The tightness in my chest was holding me down and I needed to get out. Her words were harsh. She knew that, which was apparent by the satisfied smile on her face and the glistening satisfaction in her eyes.
My jaw quivered, and I knew if I spoke my voice would shake. Instead, I just bobbed my head and flattened my lips, exhaling through my nose. I glanced around his office, my eyes scanning the floor. The awkwardness reached a claustrophobic state and I needed to get out. I'd talk to Kova later, he'd understand. There was no way I could outswim a shark who was chasing the scent of blood. And that's what she was.