by Lucia Franco
I vomited until I dry heaved.
The back of my throat burned like someone was scraping hot coal down it and my stomach was hollow.
I knew better than to eat airplane food. My stomach revolted just looking at it, but I’d already been feeling sick for most of the flight and figured it was due to hunger and my medications messing with my stomach.
Unfortunately, I couldn't get cleaned up because we had to rush to the next flight. But once we were on the plane, and the seat belt sign turned off, I used the god awful, putrid-smelling bathroom to brush my teeth.
The odor got to me and I ended up throwing up again. I'd never had an issue with flying before, but then I’d never traveled for so long at one time either. I'd have to pick up some medicine to deal with motion sickness before we went to Italy. No way in hell was I going to deal with this if I could avoid it.
I'd slept the rest of the way and when we landed back in Florida, I excused myself to freshen up.
"Are you okay?" Holly asked, eyeing me as she washed her hands.
I looked at her in the mirror. "I think I'm having one of those flare ups I told you about." Her face fell. "Don't give me those puppy eyes. I didn't tell you so you can pity me."
She turned off the water. "I know. But I still feel bad."
We both dried our hands and walked out to the terminal lobby. Kova's forehead creased as he observed me, his eyes taking in the length of my body. I knew Holly was watching so I tried covertly to give him the look to stop.
He didn't catch on.
Men.
So stupid sometimes.
We retrieved our bags and got in Kova’s car. I had Holly sit up front so I could sit in the back with the window rolled down, figuring it would help with the nausea. I slowly breathed in the salty air with my eyes closed. Home. I was home. Thank goodness the airport wasn't too far. Between the jet lag and the exhaustion of the meet, I wasn't feeling so hot.
"Bye, Holly," I said from the backseat.
"See you tomorrow!" she said, walking away. Kova stayed parked until she’d stepped through her front door.
"Want to jump in the front?" he asked.
I faked a groan. "I'm too tired. I'll just stay here if that's cool with you."
"It is cool with me," he said, and I chuckled. "What is so funny?"
"Sometimes you sound like a robot when you don't use contractions," I teased him.
He looked in the rearview mirror, grinning. "It's cool with me," he said again.
My stomach did a little flip and I smiled as he pulled up to a red light. Going with the urge in my heart, I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed onto the seats in front of me to lean forward. Kova's gaze was on me as I stuck my head into the front and reached around to pull his face to mine to give him a quick, little kiss. He responded immediately, his hand to the back of my head while he kissed me deeply as he held me to him. A car honked behind us and I pulled away, our lips making a popping sound.
He shot me a quick glance before he refocused on the road, grinning from ear to ear.
"Minty. I am glad you brushed your teeth," he said, and I playfully slapped him. "What was that for?"
I shrugged and leaned against the side of the passenger seat watching him. "I just felt like kissing you."
Kova laced our fingers together and placed them on the console. My cheek rested on the fabric and I glanced down at our joined hands, feeling really good about us.
I thought about what Holly told me, how generous but discreet he'd been, and it made me swoon for Kova even more. My thumb rubbed the space between his thumb and forefinger in an effort to slow down my racing heart. I thought back to when he told me of his past and how he'd had so few opportunities growing up. It hadn't changed him, only reminded him of where he'd come from and what little he had. He was humble and it said a lot about his character.
"You did amazing this weekend," he said, watching the road. "Be proud of yourself. I know I am."
"You're always proud of yourself."
He grinned and I decided I would tell him my thoughts.
"It took a lot out of me. I'm so physically worn out, it kind of worries me."
His hand tightened. "I know it did."
"How?"
"I can tell by looking in your eyes, at your body. You are trying to stay strong, but your eyes are fighting a war inside and your body language suggests you are extremely tired."
"Yeah," was all I said. He was right. One could tell a lot by just paying attention. "It kind of knocked me down a little, but I'm okay. For once, I really feel okay. I want to give it all I’ve got right now because I know I'll never have this chance again. I want to know that I fought hard. The last thing I want is to wake up the next day with regret. I know it probably sounds silly, but I don't want to miss this moment."
Kova looked at me briefly. He brought our hands to his lips and kissed them before his gaze was back on the road. He held my hand the rest of the drive and stayed quiet until he pulled into my complex. The fresh air settled my stomach and my nerves subsided and all felt right in the world again. Like a peace fell over us where we finally reached a point in our relationship where we were good and nothing could ruin it. We were turning pages.
"Is everything okay?" I asked, concerned when he parked the car and stayed still.
"I simply do not want to say goodbye to you."
Bittersweet. That's what we were. Beautiful butterfly wings that disintegrated to ashes and floated away in the wind.
"Honestly, I want nothing more than to come inside and just be with you, and I cannot. I want to just drive around holding your hand, and I cannot. I want to wake up drinking coffee with you before the sun rises and then go to the gym together, and I cannot." He was quiet for a moment and I didn't interrupt his thoughts. Kova swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing like it was a difficult pill to swallow.
"It is so unfair," he said, still looking ahead. "I am already missing you and you have not even left."
The defeat in his words caught me off guard. I was all too familiar with what he was feeling. Life was unfair. We were unfair. A war was raging inside Kova. He meant what he said and my heart ached for this moment when he was true to himself and his feelings.
"Come on," I said, urging him. "Come with me."
He shook his head. "I cannot. I have to go home."
Softly, I said, "Stay with me. Even if it's just for an hour. We can watch the sun set on the beach." Somehow, I knew he didn't want to sit inside, and somehow, I knew he wasn't looking for sex.
He studied me. I didn't falter under his gaze. The emotion in his green eyes was so thick with misery I thought he was going to tell me everything on his mind.
"Okay," was all he said.
That longing tension grew stronger in the confinement of his car. Our chests rose and fell, mimicking each other's, as we tried to steady our breathing. Whatever this was, he felt it too. I couldn’t explain why, but after this moment, I knew it would never be the same for us.
We got out of his car and took my belongings upstairs. I grabbed a couple blankets and we made our way downstairs and onto the beach to one of the wooden lounge chairs offered to the tenants of the complex. Kova laid a blanket down. He took a seat first then tugged me to his lap. Chest to chest, I curled into his body, my legs tangling with his, and I used his shoulder as a pillow. I sighed in contentment and looked at the gently lapping waves. Kova draped the second blanket around us, then wrapped his arms around me and held me like he never wanted to let go. He pressed his lips to the top of my head, then nestled closer.
Kova instantly relaxed against me, like he could breathe again. Something was going on inside of him and if this was what he needed, then so be it. We both needed it.
It was only us on an ivory sand beach with the sun setting behind the calm waters. It was enough to lull me to sleep.
After a while, he spoke. "Why does this feel so natural?" he asked. "It is the most ordinary thing, something I have taken for granted living
here, though I cannot imagine doing this or being this comfortable with anyone except you. I mean that, Adrianna."
I felt his confusion, how simple and easy this was, yet so hard to process. "I know. I'm trying to figure that out too. I never watch the sunset, but now that I am, it's so peaceful and relaxing." There was something about the whitecaps softly kissing the shore, the way the sun caused the waves to look like diamonds rippling in the distance, the peaceful sound of the vast ocean.
"I wish I could do this every day with you in my arms just like we are right now," he continued, like he was lost in his dark thoughts. I swallowed back my emotion and looked up. The green in his eyes was iridescent against the setting sun and it was startling with his dark lashes. Every time he blinked the hues of green shifted. "All we have is right now. This moment. Tomorrow I will not wake up with you, and tomorrow I will not go to bed with you. I will only have a few stolen hours of the day with you and that is just not enough for me. I want every waking minute to be with you."
I frowned, fear rising in me. I wondered where these feelings were coming from now. The last time he was deep in his feelings, my heart was shattered the following day.
"Kova?"
"Hmm?"
"The last time you were like this, you kept saying prosti over and over while we made love, and the very next day I found out you were married." I paused and licked my lips. "Please tell me it's not going to happen again tomorrow. Please tell me I'm not going to find out something shocking that's going to devastate me. I can't handle it right now."
The intensity in his eyes bore into mine. "I am hiding nothing from you. Nothing, Adrianna. I swear it."
I nodded subtly, accepting his answer. "I'm sorry I asked."
Kova shook his head. "Do not be sorry. I shaped that worry within you and it is my fault. But I swear I am not hiding anything. I am just bitter about the hand I was dealt, that is all. I wish I could change things."
Kova looked away, his gaze distant. "I am looking into how I can divorce her, if you want to know. I just have to be careful about the way I do it. It will take some time."
He glanced at me. All I could do was stare into his lonely eyes and know what he said was the truth, and it tore him up. Leaning toward me, he dipped his head and his lips captured mine.
My heart soared. This wasn't just any kiss, and it most definitely wasn't a sexual one. It was a kiss that could only be fortified with honest-to-God love that was bone deep. The kind dreams were made of. The kind we all searched for but rarely received.
It was a kiss that almost made me say I love you.
I clenched my hand around the fabric of his shirt and pulled him closer, breathing in the kiss like he was my life support. I opened my palm and slid it up his chest and around his shoulder to cup the back of his head. My fingers threaded his hair, our bodies flushed together as the passion between two people who had no right giving in to one another grew to a binding fever.
Kova rolled over me, his body half on mine as he deepened the kiss. He reached behind himself and pulled the blanket over his head to give us privacy. It was intimate without even having to try.
We stayed like that until well after the sun set, kissing away our fears and worries, and sealing any distance we'd had between us with a stroke of the tongue.
Fifty-Five
I didn't challenge Kova when he told me to take the following day off.
For once I agreed, and I think it shocked him more than it did myself. His eyes filled with gratitude and it made me feel good seeing him like that. He kissed my forehead and said thank you before he left.
I shut the door and thought back to everything that had transpired since I’d come to World Cup and how we’d gotten to this point. We had our painful truths and lies, tried countless times to not admit our feelings, tried not to be together. But through it all, we were always there for each other because some force had compelled us to.
And even though he wasn't here, Kova was still all around me. Mixed with the scent of the salty sugary beach air, it was a heightened combo of sweet and dark wrapped in one. I could smell him in every room, and I took comfort in that warmth. It had physically hurt my heart to say goodbye and caused a deep melancholy in me, but I couldn’t ask him to stay again.
My body needed the rest, and if I was going to be in this game for as long as I was physically able, then I needed to play my cards right. So I listened to my body, and my coach, and I decided to stay home.
It was a good thing I wasn't defiant for once. I woke up with terrible stomach cramps, and my boobs felt heavy and uncomfortable, so I skipped the coffee and made some peppermint tea hoping it would ease my upset stomach. I toasted a slice of bread, but I couldn't eat it.
A flare up. I'd need to make an appointment first thing with my doctor just to be sure everything was okay. This could really be the cause of a few things compiled together, but I had to make smart choices about my health. After all, I only had one life to live, and I sure as hell wanted to live it to the fullest.
After taking my medicine, I finished my tea and fell back asleep. I felt like crap. Three hours later I woke up and ran to the bathroom. I knew better than to take the medicine on an empty stomach, but the thought of eating made me feel sicker, so I'd skipped it. I figured the tea was fine. Clearly, I was wrong.
"I think I'm dying." I exaggerated a moan to Avery on the phone after I cleaned up and changed my clothes.
"Jesus, Aid, what the fuck time is it?"
I glanced at my clock and frowned. Had I gotten up in the middle of the night and not realized it? Jet lag was messing with me. "It's a quarter after seven."
"Go back to bed." She groaned, and I explained I'd already gotten up twice now. "You're so weird."
"I'm so tired. My period is all messed up and my stomach is eating itself. For once I have big boobs so I can't complain about that, but I'm having a stupid flare up and hating life."
"Your boobs get big during that?"
I thought about her question and palmed one. I winced and gasped.
"What happened?"
"I grabbed my boob to feel the size since I'm so happy they're not bee stings right now and it hurts so fucking bad. My nipples are sore."
"Has Kova been sucking on them?"
I laughed, curling up under the covers in my bed. "No."
"Pinching them?"
"No," I drawled out.
"Then it must've really hurt for you to curse. Are you sure this is normal for a flare up?"
I considered her question. "I mean, I've never really given it much thought, but now that I'm paying attention, I think?"
"What else?" she asked, sounding like she was awake.
"I keep vomiting, but I think that's because of traveling and shitty food I'm not used to eating. I fucked up all my medicine, got my period in the middle of the meet, which didn't help my nerves. Well, not in the middle of it, but right before I left the hotel. I told you, I'm dying. This is it."
"Shut the fuck up, you are not dying. You haven't even gotten my kidney yet. You are literally not allowed to die."
I chuckled. "I hate throwing up."
"I hate throwing up too. I'd much rather have a tooth filled than vomit." She paused. "Wait. Do you still have your period?"
"It's at the end of the cycle."
"So you had it for, like, three days?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"And that's normal?"
"Well, normal for me, I'd say."
"And your boobs hurt."
I was silent for a moment. All I could hear was the beating of my heart in my ears.
"What are you getting at?"
"Have you taken a pregnancy test?" she blurted it out.
Avery was crazy. "I'm not pregnant. Any time I've been with Kova I've used Plan B.”
“I would take a test to be sure. Plan B isn't one hundred percent."
"I know that, but I'm not pregnant. What makes you think I am?" Just saying the word was making me tremble.
"Because your boobs hurt, dumbass. You're tired, and hello, you're vomiting." She basically spelled the words out for me and paused between them. "If that isn't a sign, then I don't know what is."
I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hand. "So? All signs of a flare up and the effects. It's a lot shit it could and could not be, but not pregnant is one of them."
"All it takes is one resilient little fuck to slide on through. Ah, I take that back. An aggressive little Russian fuck to swim on by to the egg."
I couldn't stop the laugh from rolling out of me. "I hate you."
"Aid." I heard the plea in my name. "All jokes aside, humor me."
"I shouldn't have called."
"Don't be stupid. You're getting nervous because now you're actually thinking about it and it scares the shit out of you. I get it, trust me, I get it more than anyone. But the difference is, you have me with you. Get dressed and go to the pharmacy. If it's negative, then you go back to sleep and you don't have to worry."
She was right, and I didn't like it. My stomach was in knots. I threw the blanket off and kicked it away, feeling warmer than usual. Swallowing back the lump in my throat, I glanced down at my flat stomach. Pregnant? No, there wasn’t a chance in hell.
"I think I'm having a panic attack," I said, panting into the phone. "I can't have a baby."
Avery sighed like she was annoyed. "Stop being dramatic. Get up and get dressed."
I was struggling to breathe. "I can't, Avery. I just can't." The back of my neck was damp and I felt sticky everywhere. I needed to shower.
"No one is saying you're having a baby, you lunatic. Just go get the test."
"What if I am?" I was only seventeen. I couldn’t get pregnant.
"I'd say I wouldn't be surprised. Kova is a freak in the sheets, and from what you've told me, you're just as bad."
"Avery! You're not helping."
"What? I'm being serious. It's kinda sexy and hot, but at the same time you guys are both nymphos. It's a good thing you don't live together. I think you'd guys fuck each other to death. Doesn't your vagina ever hurt?"
I shook my head. "What? No. I mean, at first, yes. Sometimes? If you're trying to take my mind off the terror that's consuming me, it's not working."