“Fine, I’ll head to the cabin, shower and come back later. Keep your reputation intact.”
“Josh, we need to set some ground rules,” Carly said.
He frowned. “Didn’t we already do that? No flirting. I got it.”
She raised a brow. “You actually don’t get it, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”
He’d forgotten how much he liked her. She was smart and funny and a little bit sarcastic. She pushed his buttons and she made him want to be better. A deep sense of longing pulsed through his body.
He just wanted a second chance—to prove to her he could be the man she needed. God, that’s all I’m asking for.
“If I’m not working and you’re hanging around for the next four weeks, we’re going to need a system.”
“So you can spend as little time with me as possible?”
She avoided his eyes. “That’s not what I’m saying.” Her tone had turned defensive.
“I was just kidding, Carly,” he said, realizing maybe joking with her wasn’t the best idea. “What do you propose? I’ll do whatever you think is best.”
She drew in a breath. “I guess I’m just wondering what you’re going to be doing the next four weeks.”
“You mean am I just going to be sitting here playing video games with Jaden every day?”
“Are you?” She studied him with cruel intensity.
“I’ll be working,” he said. “So maybe we can trade shifts or something?”
“You’re going to work from here?”
“My work is mobile,” he said. “All I need is a computer. I’ll have some Zoom meetings to take sometimes—so I can keep my staff on task—and I was thinking about teaching Jaden a little bit about what I do—get his mind off of skiing while he’s laid up.”
“That’s a great idea.” She sounded surprised.
“I have those sometimes.” He smiled.
Her shoulders went stiff and she refused to smile. Man, he missed the days when their relationship was light and easy. He missed their playful banter, their easy way of joking with each other. He missed her.
“Okay, well, I plan to be here as much as he needs,” she said, back to business.
“But you need to take breaks too.” Josh finished off his coffee, rinsed out the cup and put it in the dishwasher.
“I’d feel better if I was here.”
The words were like spurs digging into his sides. Even after all this time, she didn’t trust him with their son.
He tried to shake it off. Tried not to remember the day that finally convinced him Carly and Jaden would be better off without him or the day that had put the idea in his mind in the first place.
He tried, but he failed.
It all came rushing back as if the wound only needed to be nicked for the pain of it to begin throbbing again.
Josh had been a father for about a month, and he still felt completely useless. Carly had taken to parenting much better than he had. She seemed to have a sixth sense about what the baby needed—when he was tired or hungry or needed to be changed.
To Josh, the pudgy little human was still a mystery.
Maybe that was why Carly rarely let him help. Maybe that was why when he offered to change the kid, she stood beside him, explaining exactly how to clean the baby, how to affix the diaper, how to get him dressed.
Maybe that was why she was constantly running through a list of instructions, as if she was the teacher and he was the student. She must’ve known how inept he was—must’ve seen it on his face or in the way he held their son. Awkward and unnatural.
They were living in the apartment above Mimi’s—something that still didn’t sit right with the older woman who’d bought the shop from Gus after Carly’s mom took off.
“I don’t like you two living in sin up here, but you need a place and I’ve never been one to turn away someone in need.”
They’d settled in, mostly, but that didn’t mean they were used to having a baby to tend to. Especially not a baby who slept in three-hour stretches.
“You still planning to go out tonight?” Josh asked Carly minutes after Jaden fell asleep.
She shook her head. “No.”
He frowned. “Why not?” She could use the break, and honestly—so could he. She wasn’t exactly easy to live with these days.
She plopped down on the couch and let out a heavy, tired sigh.
“You should go out,” he said.
She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. “I wish.” She stretched her legs out on the couch, putting her feet in his lap.
He picked up her foot and started rubbing it. “Seriously, the baby is down for at least a few hours. I can handle things here.”
She lifted her head and looked at him. “What if he wakes up?”
Josh shrugged. “Then I’ll feed him.”
“But he doesn’t eat for nearly four hours.”
“Then I’ll hold him. Or change him. Or burp him,” Josh said. “I’ll figure it out.” Let me figure it out.
She closed her eyes again and tipped her head back on the cushion. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Your friends are only home ’til Sunday,” he said. “And you need a break.”
“What makes you say that?”
“You’re cranky,” he said. “Really, really cranky.”
Her eyes popped open again. “Thanks.”
“You’re hardly sleeping. You’ve had no time alone. It’s understandable.” He turned his attention to her other foot. “And I think you should let me hang out with our baby for a few hours alone.”
“I could see if Beverly could come over,” she said.
Josh stopped rubbing her foot and she sat up and looked at him.
“What?”
“You don’t need to call Beverly, Carly. I’m his dad. You have to let me help take care of him.”
She pulled her feet off him. “Josh, let’s be real, you don’t know the first thing about babies.”
“Neither did you until you had one,” he said. “Let me figure it out.”
She hesitated, and Josh’s annoyance level went up.
“Carly—”
“Fine,” she said. “But you have to promise to call me if he wakes up.”
“How about I call you if I can’t handle it?”
She chewed the inside of her lip, and he could tell she wasn’t comfortable with this idea at all, but he didn’t care. He was Jaden’s dad. How was he supposed to get used to being a father if she never gave him a chance to do anything?
“Okay?” he asked, still waiting for her to agree.
“Fine.” She wasn’t happy, and he knew it. But Jaden had been asleep all of ten minutes. Odds were, he’d sleep for a few hours and wake up before Carly even got home.
How hard could it be?
Turned out—very hard.
The baby woke up within the first half hour and began crying. Josh picked him up and held him, made sure he was dry, rocked him, bounced him, fed him—but nothing he tried was working. He picked up the phone, but quickly hung it back up—if he called, she would know he couldn’t handle this, and he already felt worthless ninety-nine percent of the time.
He set the phone down, stood and walked the length of the small apartment—back and forth—bouncing, cooing—he even tried singing.
But Jaden replied with ear-curdling screams.
After forty-five minutes, Josh started to get frustrated—really frustrated.
“Will you just stop crying?” He’d anticipated a calm, relaxing night at home. He’d worked all day at the car wash, and he never would’ve encouraged Carly to go out if he’d known his night was going to go like this.
His bouncing had grown more impatient, his mood foul.
“Just go to sleep!” He raised his voice now, as if shouting at a baby would do any good.
He tipped Jaden back and looked at him. The bald-headed baby’s face was red and wet and he continued to scream.
“Wh
at do you want?” Josh just wanted him to shut up already. He needed a little peace. It had been over an hour, and his blood boiled. The screaming had to be the worst sound he’d ever heard. It delved through his skin and straight to the place that kept him sane.
His temper spiked as he looked at the clock, knowing Carly would be home soon. If she came home and found him like this, she’d know he was incompetent—as if he needed to give her more reasons.
He walked into the kitchen and turned a circle. Feeling like a caged animal, Josh began to think only one thing—I need to get this baby to stop crying.
Frustration grew and he glanced down at his son and the thought that flashed through his mind terrified him.
What if I hurt my son like I hurt Dylan?
He hurried toward the crib and set the baby down, spinning around in a circle and heaving out a heavy sigh.
What if I hurt my son like I hurt Dylan?
His face flushed and he couldn’t get a deep breath. What was he doing? He palmed his face. He’d been pretending to be something he wasn’t—capable.
He had no business—
The door opened and Carly walked in, worry on her face. “I could hear him screaming downstairs. How long’s he been like this?”
Josh faced her. “For a while.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
Like a perfect storm, the room began to spin. Carly rushed toward Jaden, picked him up and kissed the top of his bald head, but she drew back almost instantly. “Josh—”
“What’s wrong?”
“Have you felt him at all tonight?”
“I’ve been holding him—he’s been screaming for over an hour.”
“He’s burning up.” She had turned frantic.
“He’s probably just worked up from all the crying,” Josh said.
“I know a fever when I feel it.” Carly picked Jaden up and stormed out.
“Where are you going?” Josh followed.
“To the emergency room,” she said. “This isn’t normal.”
Josh’s heart raced as they hurried out of the apartment and into the street. She buckled Jaden in to his car seat and they sped off toward the hospital. He could practically feel the barrage of angry words she wasn’t saying.
“Carly, I’m so sorry,” he said. “I didn’t think he was sick.” Josh’s stomach rolled. He felt like a total jerk for getting so angry that the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Why didn’t he think Jaden might be sick?
“Just get us to the hospital,” she snapped.
He didn’t say another word until they arrived at the emergency room. He dropped her off at the door, then went to find a place to park.
Minutes later, when he ran inside, Carly and Jaden were nowhere to be seen. The receptionist promised she’d find out where they’d gone, but as Josh paced the room, his mind turned over the events of the evening.
This is all your fault.
He wasn’t any good at this, and it was obvious. Same as his own father. His thoughts turned to a childhood he’d worked hard to forget. His anger—Josh thought he had it under control, but the night had proven otherwise.
Maybe he was just like his dad. Would he hurt them if he stayed? If Carly knew the truth, she’d force him to go. And she’d be right to.
Carly and Jaden would be better off without him.
The door of the ER opened and Carly’s dad and sister hurried in. “Josh—what’s going on?”
Josh shrugged. “I don’t know. I parked the car and when I came in, Carly had already gone back. They said they were going to find out where they were, but so far, they haven’t told me anything.”
Gus frowned. “Did you tell them you’re the father?”
Josh nodded.
Gus stomped over to the desk where the receptionist sat, on the phone. “I’m gonna need you to hang that up.”
The woman looked up. Josh didn’t know if it was Gus’s police uniform or his intimidating presence that got through to her, but she ended her phone call and gave the man her undivided attention. “What can I do for you, Officer?”
“My grandson came in here a short while ago, and that young man is the father.” He pointed at Josh. “I think you were going to get him some information about his child.”
“Let me see what I can do,” she said. “What was the name again?”
Gus did a terrible job of trying not to seem exasperated. “Dixon.”
“Collins-Dixon,” Josh corrected.
Gus looked at him. He didn’t know Carly had hyphenated Jaden’s name. They weren’t married yet, so it seemed to make sense. Did that make Gus happy or was he indifferent?
Josh knew Carly’s dad was still angry with them. Telling him Carly was pregnant had been one of the worst days of Josh’s life.
Clearly, he blamed Josh, and maybe he was right to. Let’s face it, Carly’s life would be completely different if he wasn’t in it.
Gus had done nothing to hide his disappointment. Sure, he’d shown up for Jaden’s birth, but other than that, he mostly stayed away. He also seemed hell-bent on making sure the two of them had to face their current circumstances on their own—there was no bailing out happening here.
“I’ll be right back,” the receptionist said.
Gus turned a circle and heaved a sigh. “Sometimes you gotta get a little feisty.”
“Thanks for that.” Josh stuffed his hands in his pockets.
Gus nodded at him. “Doesn’t change anything. Just don’t think you should have to wait around for answers about your own kid.”
The receptionist reappeared. “You can come back.”
Josh tossed a grateful look at Gus, then followed her through the doors. He found Carly just as a doctor was telling her she was smart to bring Jaden in—his temperature was too high, and they needed to run some tests.
Josh’s stomach churned. What if Carly hadn’t come home when she did? What if something had happened to their baby while Josh was watching him? He would’ve never forgiven himself.
His mind flashed with the memory of the moment the screaming overwhelmed him. What if something had happened?
I’m not good for them.
It was too much.
“Most likely we’ll give him a round of antibiotics, and he’ll be just fine, but we want to rule a few things out.”
“What kind of things?” Carly asked.
“Infections, mostly,” the doctor said. “It could be a virus or bacterial. We’ll get to the bottom of it.”
The doctor walked out, leaving them alone in the small exam room. Josh didn’t move. His heart raced with thoughts he didn’t want to think.
Jaden lay at the center of the exam table, with Carly’s hand on his belly.
“This could’ve been really bad,” she said.
“He’s going to be okay,” Josh offered, though the empty words meant nothing.
“But if I hadn’t come home—” She stopped.
She was thinking it too. She was thinking the words she wouldn’t say because they were true. If something had happened—it would’ve been his fault.
He slipped his index finger inside the baby’s hand. Jaden kicked and cooed, his eyes focused on the ceiling. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
What if Josh ruined that?
The doctor returned and Carly swiped Jaden into her arms. Josh took a step back and before he knew it, he was in the hallway, not a part of the picture at all.
He walked toward the waiting room and he didn’t stop walking until he was back home, packing his things into a big duffel bag and leaving her a note.
Carly, I love you, but I can’t do this anymore.
—Josh
He left the note on the counter, got into his car and drove out of Harbor Pointe, certain that this was not only what Carly wanted, but what was best for her and Jaden.
Now, standing in her kitchen, he battled those same feelings of insecurity. He hated the way he still doubted his abilities as a dad. He and Jaden had a good relations
hip now. And yet, here, in Carly’s presence, the memory of the past taunting him once again, he had that same strong feeling everyone would be better off if he just left.
He could go home and get back to work. Dive into a new app or figure out new ways to market the old ones. He could help other companies get their apps up and running. Carly could give him updates by text or phone. He could call every night. Maybe it was what was best.
“I’m going to get going,” he said abruptly.
Carly stood, years and canyons between them. “Okay.”
An invisible thread of electricity connected them, and Josh wished he had the right to go to her, to pull her into his arms, to let her fall apart, because he could see her strong façade faltering behind a mask of strength.
Instead, he turned and walked away.
26
It had been a week and a half since Jaden’s surgery, and in that time, Josh had spent nearly every day (and most evenings) with their son—which meant he’d also spent nearly every day (and most evenings) with her.
What did she expect when he said he was staying until Jaden was recovered?
Truthfully, she’d half expected him to change his mind.
So far, he hadn’t. And here he was.
Sometimes, she’d stand just outside the living room, watching the two of them—her son and his father—and their quiet, easy-going relationship. Josh brought out a side of Jaden most people didn’t see. And on the days he acted depressed and moody over being laid up, it was Josh who got him out of the funk.
And while she’d never say so, some days, he got her out of her funk too. More than once he’d noticed her mood was foul, and somehow, miraculously, he found a way to turn it around. It was as if he still held the key to a secret door to her soul. Like he still knew her better than anyone else.
Twice, he’d caught her crying in the kitchen, and both times he’d comforted her with exactly the right words. “He’s going to be just fine.” As if he had the power to make it so.
These brief encounters were working her over. Something had to be done. Put more time, more space, more distance between them. Josh wasn’t her husband, and he shouldn’t act like it. That meant the schedule they had in place needed to be followed.
As it was, he’d all but ignored it. Instead of working during his designated work times, he hung out with Jaden. Instead of giving her space in the evenings, he’d made them dinner.
Just One Kiss: A Harbor Pointe Novel Page 20