Forgiveness and Permission

by C. L. Stone

  “Don’t be an ass,” North said. “This is stupid.”

  “It’s the only way. Silas did his initiation. You’ve got to do yours.”

  “You made Silas drink an Icee until he got brain freeze. That’s not the same thing.”

  “Yeah, well, everyone’s is different. I don’t know what you're complaining about. Yours is way more fun.”

  “I’ll go,” I said, my voice an octave higher than usual. I swallowed as eyes shifted to me. I placed my red cup on top of one of the dressers. I avoided their stares and focused on North. “It’s just a couple of minutes, right?”

  “You’d rather go with me though, wouldn’t you?” the girl, Jade, said next to him. She stroked a red painted fingernail across his chest. “Me or the Ice Queen?”

  A rippling wave shattered through me. Ice Queen? Was that the rumor going around? Was it because I didn’t talk?

  “Take them both,” someone said.

  The guys laughed.

  North grunted. He lunged through the crowd, grasping my arm, tugging me toward the closet. “Two minutes.”

  “Take your time,” one of the guys said. “We’re not in a hurry.”

  North shoved me into the walk-in closet. The door closed behind us. The last look I got was from Jade, her raven hair falling across her cheek. She glared in after us with her arms crossed over her chest.

  CLOSET

  With the door closed, North spun around, staring down the door with his arms folded.

  “North?” I asked quietly.

  “You shouldn’t have come in here,” he said, his tone lower than I was used to. He talked to me with his back turned. “You should have went back to Silas.”

  The coldness caused me to step back. Was he angry with me? I thought I was helping. He didn’t seem to want to go in the closet but he had to if he wanted to do what Mr. Blackbourne said. Was it the girl? He didn’t seem to want to go in with her.

  Or maybe he did. She was very pretty. I wouldn’t have picked her, but who was I to pick anyone for any of them?

  Only he felt he needed to protect me, so he chose me to avoid problems?

  I cowered into myself, my shoulders slumping forward and I stared at the tidily vacuumed beige carpet. Memories of my mother locking me in her closet swept through me but I bit them back. At least we weren’t in the shower.

  I wanted to slip back to Nathan. I wanted to lie and say I wasn’t feeling well. I wanted to go back to my house with him, or his house, or Kota’s. I didn’t care. Parties were stupid. I wanted to be with them somewhere else. I didn’t want to see North going into closets with other girls.

  “Why did you want to come?” North said, grumbling. “What in the world made you want to go to some shit party like this?”

  I trembled where I stood. “I’m sorry,” I said softly.

  I sensed him moving, turning to face me. I couldn’t get myself to look at him. I didn’t want to see the anger in his eyes. I messed up. Kota was right to warn me about this. I should have listened to him.

  North sighed. “Sang Baby, don’t look like that,” he said in a gentler tone. “This isn’t your fault.”

  My cheeks felt hot. “If you wanted to come in with the Jade girl, you should have picked her. I could have gone and looked for the other guys.”

  North snatched at me by the arms, shaking me enough that my head rolled back and I was looking up at him. “What the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t want to go in here with her. I picked you.”

  “I thought you picked me just so I wouldn’t be alone. That’s why you said I should have gone back to Silas, right? I would have been fine if you wanted her. If you didn’t want me to come to the party, I wish you would have said something before.”

  North’s mouth fell open. He let me go and took a step back. “Sang Sorenson,” he bellowed, pointing a finger at me. “If I ever hear you talk about yourself like that, or assume what I want again, I’m going to kick your ass.”

  “But you just said ...”

  “That’s not what I meant,” he barked at me. “I’ll go out with who I want, when I please. And not when and where some shit-faced teenagers tell me.”

  I stared up at his dark eyes, fixated by the fury, awestruck by his power. “I ...” I stammered. “I don’t ...”

  “If Silas hadn’t insisted we had to go to this party, I would have made good on my promise to take you to the beach tonight instead.”

  My eyes widened. “North ...” I said, trembling now out of something warmer than before.

  “I don’t do anything half-assed,” he said. He stepped closer, nearly hovering over me. “Sang, I’ll take you out if you want, but you’ve got to tell me that’s what you want, too. I’m not doing it to babysit you or protect you. I mean I’ll do that but that’s not what I mean when I ask you out. And I’m not going to let anyone peer pressure me into a closet with some skank who wants to take whatever party drug is on tap and fuck her after. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  I took another step back away from him, mostly out of the ferocity of his voice.

  He captured me, grasping me by the arms with his coarse hands. His handsome, gruff face closed in on mine until he was a breath away. “Are you going to tell me you don’t want to now? Is that what you were saying?”

  My heart thundered and I rattled in his grasp. “No! I mean, yes. I mean ... I do want to be with you.” The words sounded better in my head, and meant something different before I spoke. I couldn’t find words to say how I felt. I did want to go out to the beach with him. I was glad that I was in the closet with him and not with Jade.

  I was especially happy he had never wanted her in the first place.

  North’s gaze fell over my face, tracing a line with his eyes from my forehead to my mouth. His face softened. “Sang,” he breathed out. His eyes lowered, falling on my mouth again.

  A trembling started in my spine. The sensation cut through me exactly as it had with Kota. North wanted to kiss me. I was going to let him.

  A rattling noise cut through and North grunted, let go of me and turned around.

  The door swung open. It was the same group, but the girl was gone. A couple of the guys shook their heads.

  “Boo,” one of them called.

  “Yeah, you’re not even kissing her,” another cried out.

  “Two more minutes!”

  The door closed again. There was a click, and the lights over our heads shut off.

  “God damn it,” North said. “I knew this was going to happen.”

  My heart thundered in my chest. I took a step forward. Feeling through the dark for him. My hand made contact with his back. He jumped out of my reach.

  “What are they doing?” I asked in a quiet voice. I felt braver since I couldn’t see his face.

  “They’re waiting for a show.”

  “What show?”

  “Us,” he said. His hand found my arm, and he traced it to my hand, holding it. “They’re waiting to see us make out or something before they let us out.”

  I harrumphed.

  “Yeah. My thoughts exactly.”

  “Should we get Silas to help?”

  North grumbled. “It’s my fault. I haven’t been doing my job. I should have downed an Icee, too. They’re doing it because I haven’t been talking to them. They want to see me do something stupid. Stupid people like it when others do stupid things with them. Welcome to high school.”

  I sighed. “What do we do?”

  “Wait for them to get bored,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I’m not going to let our first kiss be at some drunk ass party, in some godforsaken closet in the middle of nowhere.”

  I floated where I stood. He thought about kissing me. It brought a smile to my face, despite his complaining.

  It also gave me an idea. “North.”

  “Yeah, Baby?”

  “Maybe we should give them what they want.”

  He squeezed my hand. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “
Do you remember the slumber party we had? Do you remember Luke and me in the closet?”

  He paused. “You want to trick them?”

  “If you want to get out of this closet and be accepted, we can just pretend for now. It wouldn’t be a real kiss. It’s not like they need to know.”

  He shifted closer. I could feel the heat of his body near mine. His breath fell across my forehead. He stood in silence for a minute as if contemplating. “I don’t think I want to do that. I don’t want kids talking all week about us fucking at some party.”

  I didn’t want that, either, but I also didn’t want to be in the closet any more. I wanted to go home.

  I trembled, but lifted my free hand. I found his face in the dark. I thought he would stop me but he was stock still. I traced his jaw, finding his mouth with my fingertips.

  I stood on my toes.

  He lowered his head.

  With my fingers covering his mouth, I kissed my fingernails. His lips puckered against my fingertips. He’d kissed me back.

  I fell back on my heels, unsure of what else to do. I was braver in the dark, but I was still inexperienced. What now?

  It was as if that small effort was everything he needed. North felt for my hands, pushing me backward. He nudged me until I was against the wall of the closet. He collected my hand, pushing my fingers against my mouth. My other hand he took up by the wrist and pinned it to the wall.

  He tucked his face down. He brought his lips to my fingers.

  His lips crushed against the back of my fingers. I trembled. Even through my fingers, with that thin barrier, I felt his fury and temper speaking to me through his kiss. It echoed my own. He hated this and wanted it at the same time. I did, too. I didn’t want to do this here. I didn’t want to be in the closet and gawked at, ready to face rumors the next week. I wanted to go home, to crawl into bed. I wanted North to go with me, to snuggle like we usually did.

  Part of me wanted to drop my hand away from between our lips.

  I kept them over my mouth though. I agreed with him. Whenever we really kissed, and in that moment I knew we would in the future, I didn’t want it to be like this. Kota was right. First kisses were supposed to be special. This wasn’t the place or the time.

  North put pressure against my wrist against the wall, drawing it up over my head. His knee knocked into my thigh. His other hand found my face, cupping under my chin as if directing me. He tilted my head slightly. His lips parted as he kissed against my fingers.

  He was showing me how he would kiss me.

  A flickering from beyond my closed eyelids caught my attention. The light was on overhead. A rattling sounded at the door.

  I wanted to pull back, but realized this was what they wanted. I stiffened but remained, unsure of what to do.

  North defiantly kissed at my hand hidden between us. He gripped my free wrist to the wall. If I had wanted to move, I lost my chance. I was trapped now.

  Hoots sounded behind us, followed closely by laughing and a slur of encouragements and sickening suggestions. North ignored them all, kissing against my fingers. When he finally backed his head away, he zeroed in on my face. His eyes distant and yet drowning me with the passion he’d tried to flood into me with his kiss.

  “Holy fuck,” a familiar deep voice said from behind North.

  North stiffened in front of me, letting go and drawing away to stand guard in front of me. His jaw set, fists clenched.

  Silas and Nathan stood in the doorway, mouths hanging open.

  Next to them were Jay and Rocky. Jay’s face was solemn, like he expected this of me.

  Rocky was beaming. “Looks like you’ll have to break up with her, Silas,” he said. “Didn’t know she was dirty.”

  “What the hell are you doing to her?” Silas bellowed at North.

  “They forced us in here,” North said, gesturing to the guys, who had fallen back behind Rocky and the others.

  “So? They do that all the time,” Rocky said. “Doesn’t mean you steal your friend’s girl. That’s harsh, dude.”

  Silas lunged forward, with enough fury in his face that if I wasn’t pressed to the wall already, I would have fallen back.

  Nathan pushed himself in front of Silas. “Stop, don’t,” he said, grabbing at Silas’s arm and hauling him back.

  Only when I peeked around North’s arm again, their eyes didn’t match their expressions at all. Silas looked annoyed. I knew for sure that despite Nathan’s strength, he wasn’t a match for Silas with his power and mass. Silas wasn’t really fighting. He was faking.

  North readied himself, his fists lifting. “Fuck off. She didn’t want to. They locked us in and said they wouldn’t let us out unless we did.”

  “Oh, is that all it took?” Jay quipped.

  “Shut the fuck up,” North said.

  The others who had forced us into the closet laughed, falling back and leaving the room.

  “Come on, Sang,” Silas said through his clenched teeth.

  Jay rolled his eyes. “Why bother?” he asked, glaring my way.

  Rocky was still looking too happy that this happened. “Let’s get out of here,” he told his friend. “Break up eminent.” Jay and Rocky ducked out of the bedroom.

  North grunted and sighed when it was just me, Nathan and Silas left. “Shit.”

  “What the hell were you doing?” Nathan said through his teeth. “Did you fucking kiss her in there?”

  “No,” North said. “Well kind of.”

  Nathan’s mouth gaped open and he slid a glance at me.

  I covered my hand with my fingers in response. Nathan and Silas tilted their heads curiously for a moment, trying to connect what they’d seen to what I was expressing to them now. It took a moment but Nathan’s eyes finally lit up. “Oh ... oh. Like Luke did.”

  Silas blinked. “Ah. But what the hell? Why’d you go in anyway?”

  “It’s a long story,” North said.

  I stepped around North, tired of the closet. “What are we supposed to do now?”

  “I don’t know,” North said. “I wasn’t prepared for this.”

  I found my red cup on the dresser, held it in front of me while I turned around. “Maybe we should go home. Or are we still trying to get you guys to stay friends with the team?"

  “I don’t know if we can all leave together,” Silas said. “Or maybe we can sneak out. Maybe I should go in the closet with her. Nathan, you can tell them we’re fucking around or something.”

  “I don’t want to start that,” North said.

  “You didn’t leave me with much a choice, did you?” Silas barked at him. “I’ve been trying to save her reputation all night and you just messed it up.”

  “What do you mean save?” I pressed. “What reputation?”

  Their mouths clamped shut and they glared at each other.

  I rolled my eyes. “Will you both stop? Please? Just tell me what’s going on.”

  “It’s nothing,” North said.

  I made a face, furious with them. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me what was really going on? They thought I had trust issues? They were just as bad.

  Angry, I pushed the cup to my lip. It was a replacement for my finger mostly, pinching my lip to my teeth.

  North frowned at me. “Don’t leave your damn cup out and then drink from it.”

  “It’s fine.” I wasn’t planning to drink from it but his snapping at me had me firing off without thinking.

  He snatched the red cup from my hand and put it to his mouth, took a swing. He glared at me while he was doing it, but as he drank, his expression changed from annoyance to surprise. He pulled the cup from his mouth, spitting back out the liquid in his mouth into the cup.

  “What?” Silas asked. “Someone spit in it? Good. You deserve it.”

  North frowned, using the light from the closet to peek into the cup. “Someone put something in it.”

  Silas and Nathan’s eyes went wide. I glanced from them to North and back. “Why? What is it?”
>
  “I don’t know,” North said, his eyes swinging back and forth as if thinking. “I swallowed something. A pill, I think.”

  “Roofies?” Nathan asked.

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so,” North said. He shook his head. “I need to get out of here before whatever it is starts working.”

  Nathan nodded, turning to me. “Sang, follow North out to the car. Silas and I are going to make one more round as if we’re leaving, but we’re going to look for whoever might have done this to see if we can figure out what it was.” He dipped his hand into his pocket, pulling out his keys and handing them over. “Get in the car. If he falls down or something before he gets there, stay with him.”

  “Let’s go,” North said. “I don’t know what it is, but it’ll hit soon. It was partially softened by the water.” He made a fist, punching at the dresser. “I hate fucking parties.”

  NORTH UNLEASHED

  I followed North out of the party house. I was terrified that whatever someone had given him could be dangerous. Should we make him throw it up? He didn’t seem too concerned about it possibly being poisonous.

  I didn’t know much about parties or drugs at all. I knew what weed smelled like, thanks to high school bathrooms. Other than that, I didn’t know what to expect. Was he going to start hallucinating?

  What was worse was it felt like my fault, too. For that reason, I walked behind him instead of next to him.

  When we got out into the sea of cars in the yard, though, North slowed, turning and pulling me along. He wrapped an arm around my head, covering my eyes. “Don’t look,” he said, and he started forward, keeping my eyes covered and pushing me along.

  “What? Why?”

  “Will you shut up and trust me for once tonight?” he asked.

  “Why can’t I see?” I didn’t understand and I was stumbling next to him. Was this the drugs talking to him already? Was he doing something crazy?

  “There’s teenagers fucking in their cars. Do you really want to watch?”

  I gasped. Was he serious?

  “That’s what I thought. Just hang on to me,” he said.

  I tripped along next to him. The way he did it made me think there was a couple in every car along the way.