Esrever Doom

by Piers Anthony

  Harmony punched him on the arm. “Now if you were as fast a study, you’d learn that age is irrelevant here in Xanth. Then you’d marry me.”

  “Unfortunately I’m not that fast a study,” Bryce said.

  They all laughed.

  2

  MISSION

  So it came to pass. Kody had a good night at Caprice Castle, and in the morning Picka and Dawn took him out and showed him the marked path, which consisted of a floating blue line winding into the forest. But something was wrong.

  “The scenery,” Kody said. “It’s not the same.”

  “To be sure,” Picka agreed. “It is the nature of Caprice Castle to travel. It soon gets bored with any particular locale, so it moves.”

  “The castle moves? But I didn’t feel anything.”

  “It does it in its own fashion. It fades out at one place and fades in at another.”

  Now Kody understood why they had needed to get all the puns of the locale harvested yesterday; they were no longer there today. That was also why they couldn’t point him in a direction: it changed overnight.

  “I believe a steed was mentioned,” Kody mentioned.

  “Yes. Unfortunately he can’t come to the castle. But the path will lead you to him. Your guardian will be with him. You should be safe enough.”

  “Guardian?”

  “Normally, living folk travel on enchanted paths that are guaranteed to be safe,” Picka said. “But there’s no such path here, so Princess Harmony had to mark an alternate route that avoids most hazards. But considering your unfamiliarity with the land, we thought some additional protection was warranted. It would help if you had a magic talent, but fresh Mundanes generally don’t.”

  “Let me check,” Dawn said. She touched his hand. “Why yes he does! It seems to be another aspect of the reversal. Kody, your magic talent is to summon chips of reverse wood. Do you know what that means?”

  “No.”

  “Reverse wood reverses things, often in unpredictable ways. Presumably it won’t affect you; that would be part of your talent. It’s marvelous stuff. If a dragon threatens to toast, steam, or smoke you, you can conjure a chip and flip it at the creature, and it will suffer an awkward reversal of some sort. So you should be able to defend yourself, once you get the hang of it. You can practice during your trip to the Good Magician’s Castle.”

  “Shouldn’t I practice here, before traveling?”

  “Not in my castle,” she said firmly. “Reverse wood is tricky; there’s no telling what harm you might accidentally do.”

  “Not here,” he agreed. “How do I summon one? I promise not to flip it.”

  “Just hold out your hand and will the chip to appear.”

  He held out his hand. “Like this?” And a chip of wood appeared.

  “Like that,” she agreed. “Now get rid of it before it reverses something and causes a problem.”

  Kody willed the chip to vanish, but it didn’t. “I don’t seem to be able to banish it, just to summon it.”

  “Oh, that’s right,” Dawn said. “Yours is a one-way talent. You have to use what you fetch.”

  “I’ll put it in a pocket.” He tucked the chip in his left front shirt pocket.

  “That would not be wise. That reversal is struggling to take effect, and it might start affecting you.”

  “Already,” Picka said, looking at the pocket.

  Kody looked. The pocket was inside out, having been reversed, and the chip was on the ground, where the dirt was turning into mud. Its solidity had been reversed. He quickly picked up the chip, and the ground solidified. “I guess I need to use it on something.”

  “Touch me,” Picka said. “I can’t be hurt.”

  “I’m not sure of that,” Dawn said warily.

  Kody touched the skeleton’s hip bone. Suddenly it was clothed in flesh. In fact his whole midsection had become a bare human posterior. His dead bone had been reversed to living flesh.

  “Now that’s a real ass-et,” Picka said, amused, flexing his nether cheeks. “When I first met Dawn, I wasn’t attracted to her, because her nice bones were covered in awful flesh. Since then, I’ve grown more tolerant.”

  “Get it out of here!” Dawn said sharply. She was definitely not amused by the exposure. It seemed that she liked her men as flesh or bone, not a mixture.

  Kody hurled the chip into the forest. It struck a large, heavyset, serious tree. The tree guffawed, floated up, and sailed into the sky.

  “That was a gravi-tree,” Picka said. His midsection had reverted to normal white bone. “It became a whole lot lighter in weight and mood. That was a powerful reverse wood chip.”

  “So it seems,” Kody agreed, impressed. “Now I appreciate why you don’t want me to play with chips in the house.”

  “Exactly,” Dawn agreed severely.

  It was definitely time to move on. “Thank you for your hospitality,” Kody said.

  “You’re welcome,” Picka said. “It has been fun.”

  Dawn seemed to be suppressing a glare. “Do try to get the Curse reversed.”

  “I will.” Kody walked away from the castle, following the blue line.

  After a few steps he paused to face back and wave, but stifled it, because the castle was gone. There was only untrammeled rock and gravel where it had been. Caprice Castle had made sure he would not return.

  He entered the forest, which seemed pleasant enough. But now he knew there could be serious dangers, like demons or dragons.

  A shape loomed up before him. “Well, now,” it said.

  Kody realized that he had been subvocalizing, and in this magic land it was dangerous to name something lest it consider itself summoned. This looked like a demon, but it was cadaverous. He hoped it wasn’t hostile. “Hello. I’m Kody.”

  “How would you like to join me, Kody?” the demon said.

  “That depends on where you are going.”

  “It’s not a place, exactly, but a state of being.”

  “I’m already in a state of being. A dream state.”

  The demon laughed cavernously. “Ho ho ho! And in that state of death, what dreams may come?”

  Kody was not easy with this. “I think I’ll pass on your invitation, thanks all the same.”

  “It wasn’t an invitation. It was a threat. I am Demon Ceased. D Ceased for short.”

  “A demon pun,” Kody said. “I get it: deceased.”

  “Most of us are puns,” Ceased agreed. “D Mension contracts to provide the rest of us with length, width, and depth so that we can function here in Xanth.”

  “Dimension,” Kody agreed.

  “Not to mention D Mention,” the demon agreed. “But enough of this dull, boring, and pointless social chitchat. Now come along, Kody; I love company.” He reached for Kody’s arm.

  Kody snatched it away. He wished he had been given the talent of persuasion, so that he could talk the demon into departing peacefully. “I don’t really like threats.”

  “Now be reasonable. If I gave everyone his choice in the matter, who would ever keep company with me? I must insist.” He reached again.

  Kody summoned a reverse wood chip and flipped it at the demon. D Ceased caught it, having surprisingly fast reflexes for one so near death. And changed.

  Now a vibrantly alive man stood there, the reverse of the original. “What have you done?” he demanded. He did not seem to make the association with what he held.

  “Just given you a boost,” Kody said. “Have great time.” He walked on.

  But now a dragon appeared, the other creature he had inadvertently named. It was a large fire-breather; Kody could see the flickers of fire around its red-hot lips. It inhaled, ready to blow out a blast of flame. Kody knew that if he didn’t act swiftly, he would soon be toast.

  He conjured another chip and flipped it into the open mouth.

  The dragon closed its mouth, formed an O shape, and blew out a fierce volley of—

  Ice cubes. They struck Kody on the chest and
bounced off harmlessly.

  The fire had been reversed.

  “Have a nice day,” Kody said, and walked on. He was coming to like his magic talent. But for it, he could have been dead twice in the past few minutes, or at least extremely uncomfortable.

  Soon the path led him to mountains. The first one abruptly rose up from the level ground, slanting at a steep angle toward the sky. It would be difficult for a man to navigate that slope, and worse for a horse.

  And there was his steed. He was somewhat like a deer, and somewhat like a bull, with a brown coat and rabbit ears. But there was something odd about him. After a moment Kody realized what it was: the creature was standing level on the slope. The legs on the upper side were short, and on the lower side were long, so that he was perfectly balanced. The blue line went right to him.

  “Uh, hello,” Kody said uncertainly. “I am looking for a steed.”

  The creature glanced his way, then nodded his head toward himself. He was, it seemed, the steed.

  “I’m going to the Good Magician’s Castle. Can you carry me there?”

  The creature nodded.

  “You made a deal with Princess Dawn to help me? Why?”

  The animal shrugged. Apparently he just liked to help people.

  “There’s supposed to be a guardian, too.”

  The creature flicked his head forward. Then he made a mooing call. In barely more than a moment there was an answer. “You found your rider, Guy? I’ll be right there.” It sounded like a woman.

  It wasn’t. It was a, well, it had the head and tail of a dragon, large wings, the body of a horse, silver hooves, and gold talons. And somehow it talked. Kody was ready to summon another chip, just in case.

  The creature paused. “Oh—you must be the one. I’m Hadi the Alicenagon. I’ll be your guardian this trip.”

  “I’m Kody Mundane. Uh, alicenagon?”

  “My parents met at a love spring. Drek Dragon and Karia Centaur. I inherited from both of them. You know how it is.”

  Kody remembered Griff the Hipporoc. It seemed that those who met at love springs developed sudden passion, regardless of species, and their offspring were mixtures. Miscegenation was evidently no problem in Xanth. “Yes.”

  “And this is Guy Guyascutus, commonly known as a sidehill hoofer. I can understand him pretty well. We’re both going to see the Good Magician, but didn’t have a feasible route to get there. We can’t use the enchanted paths.”

  “You can’t?” Kody was happy to have her do the explaining.

  “Guy is great on mountain slopes, but can’t walk effectively on the level, so he’s limited. I am barred because of my ancestry. Dragons aren’t trusted among ordinary folk.” She laughed. “For pretty good reason. I guess I could find the Good Magician’s Castle if I searched long enough, but it’s really much easier to have a marked wilderness trail.”

  “So the three of us have a common cause,” Kody said. “To go to see the Good Magician.”

  “That’s it. Guy contributes transportation, I contribute protection, and you contribute the marked route.”

  “I’m going there because I have a mission to perform. If I may ask, why are you going there?”

  “Guy wants to find a way to cross flat spaces without getting hopelessly fouled up. I want to find a suitable mate. I’m the only one of my particular kind I know of, but there’s got to be another somewhere.”

  “I met a hipporoc named Griff,” Kody said. “The son of a male centaur and a female roc bird who also met at a love spring.”

  “Oh, he sounds perfect! But can you tell me where he is?”

  “I encountered him near the Void, but I’m not sure he lives there. He gave me a really nice check her board.”

  “Sorry, I don’t play that naughty game.”

  “It’s not limited to games. It has sixty-four pictures, and when I touched the one showing Caprice Castle, it put me there. Maybe it could put you in the vicinity of Griff.”

  “Now that intrigues me. Let’s see it.”

  Kody brought it out. “You have to refocus to see the pictures.”

  She peered at the board. “Ah, yes. Got it. No, no hipporoc in sight. But maybe the Good Magician will know. Thanks for the lead, anyway.”

  “Maybe he will,” Kody agreed.

  He mounted Guy, who had no saddle but was surprisingly comfortable, and they set off following the blue line, which obligingly remained close by the side of the mountain. It must have been charted to do that, for the benefit of the sidehill hoofer. Hadi navigated it by half flying, half hoofing it, touching the slope with the two feet on the upper side. Kody thought that must be quite a trick, but evidently she was used to it.

  In due course the blue line diverged from the side of the conic mountain, and cut across to another. Guy followed it, stumbling briefly at the level base before telescoping his two left legs to be long and his two right legs to be short. Then he moved confidently along the new slope. Certainly he was handling it far better than Kody could have, and they seemed to be making good time.

  “We need to eat,” Hadi said. “Keep moving. I’ll fetch something and catch up with you.” She took off into the sky and was soon lost to sight.

  “She’s very helpful,” Kody remarked.

  Guy twitched an ear in acknowledgment.

  Now that he had time to himself, in a manner, to think, Kody was half bemused to think that here he was in a wild fantasy land, riding a weird fantasy creature, while a part-dragon foraged for them. Was any of this to be believed? He doubted it. But in dreams all things were possible, and this was the Dream of all Dreams. He was amazed at his own imagination.

  Meanwhile, what was happening to his body back in the Mundane hospital? He still could not remember the accident. Maybe a rogue car had hit him, and he had never seen it coming, hence no memory. Just how bad were his injuries? The nurse and doctor had been singularly uncommunicative. That was not a good sign. Well, there was little sense in worrying about it, since he could do nothing. He would just have to wait and see. At least this Land of Xanth was not boring. Far from it!

  Hadi returned, carrying a package in her hands. She had four feet and two hands, in the manner of a centaur. Add in the wings, and that was eight limbs. Kody was pretty sure he had never imagined such a creature. So how could she be here in his dream?

  “I found an egg plant with assorted ripe eggs,” Hadi said, handing Kody a leaf folded into a bag. “Hardboiled, deviled, poached, fried. I hope you like them.”

  Eggs grew on plants? Evidently so, here in the land of puns. Kody looked into the bag, and the eggs did look good. “I’m sure they’re fine.”

  “And a boot rear float,” she added, handing him a leaf bottle.

  Boot rear. He had encountered that before, and knew to be cautious. He tried a small sip. The kick he received was so hard it made him sail up off the hoofer and into the air. Fortunately he floated, not coming down hard. He was able to scramble back into place. So when it was a float, it was literal.

  “And some cookies. But they may be too tough.”

  Kody tried one. But when he tried to bite it, it formed a little arm and fist and punched him in the mouth. It was indeed one tough cookie. He left the rest in the bag.

  “And for you, Guy, a barrel of crackers,” Hadi said, presenting a barrel-shaped feed bag to the hoofer. “Water, tsoda, but watch out for the—”

  A cracker exploded in Guy’s mouth, and smoke puffed out.

  “Fire crackers,” Hadi finished. “They’re not strong enough to do any damage, but they have a bang-up taste.”

  So it seemed. Guy looked startled but unhurt. He quickly bit into a water cracker, and the flood of water washed out his mouth.

  “And some more of those for me,” Hadi said. “They’ll help stoke my furnace.” She bit into a fire cracker herself, evidently enjoying it. “And I found some gin rummy we can play when we camp tonight. But we’ll have to watch it. You know how it is.”

  “I don’t. How
is it?” Kody asked.

  “The more you play, the more drunk you get. Gin is strong stuff.”

  Oh.

  They moved on, and soon enough dusk approached. There did not seem to be much danger here on the conic mountains, perhaps because few creatures were comfortable on the steep slopes. The blue line led them to where a spreading butternut tree provided cover and buttery nuts to go with a nearby pot pie bush. The pies were in the shape of pots, of course, and hot and delicious. A nearby stream had clear, clean water. There was even a blanket bush with fluffy clean blankets.

  They played some gin rummy, with Kody dealing the cards for the others, but it was true: they all quickly became intoxicated and had to stop. Tongues loosened, they talked. Kody explained how he had found himself here in this extended lucid dream, now committed to finding a way to turn off the Curse affecting Xanth.

  “But it doesn’t affect you,” Hadi said. “That’s curious.”

  “I may have been selected for this mission because of my immunity,” Kody said. “If it’s not just chance. Princess Dawn implied as much.”

  Guy bleated.

  “He says he wouldn’t care what a female of his kind looked like,” Hadi translated. “But any that exist must be on mountain ranges not connected to this one, so he can’t meet them anyway. That’s sad. At least I have a chance to meet someone, if I find out where to look.”

  Kody washed, and settled down on a blanket for the night. Guy, in the manner of a horse, slept on his feet, and so did Hadi.

  Kody woke to see a small cloud hovering nearby, visible because there were flashes of lightning within it. “Say, you’re an ugly one,” he remarked conversationally.

  The cloud huffed up larger, and more internal lightning flashed. It was almost as if it had heard him. Kody was amused. “Was it something I said, foggy-bottom?”

  The cloud swelled further. Now there was thunder to go with the lightning.

  Hadi woke. “Oops. That’s Fracto. Did you annoy him?”

  “The cloud can hear and understand me? Then I guess I did.”

  “Bad move. Now he’ll pee on us.”

  “A stupid cloud? A little rain won’t hurt us.”

  “But a lot of rain will. We’d better get out of here.”