by Roxie Cooper
‘Thank you!’ I say and laugh. ‘Would you like to come in?’
‘That would be lovely. I’m not interrupting you, am I?’ he asks.
‘No. Well, I’ll have to leave in about an hour or so. Kids are with Ebony. I’m going to a wedding.’
‘Oh! Right, OK. Nice day for it. Close friend?’ he asks.
‘Not really. I’m the photographer,’ I tell him with my biggest proud face.
‘What?’ he replies, raising his eyebrows and folding his arms. ‘Really?’
‘Yep. I started a photography course at the local college in January. I’m doing photos for next to nothing at the moment, just to build up a portfolio. This is my third one.’ I beam at him. ‘I love it.’
His eyes flash between all the photos in frames. They’re on the windowsill, the fireplace, side table and mantelpiece. I’ve created photo galleries on the wall. None of the frames match. Some are very new-looking and contemporary, some are older and distressed – or shabby chic. Some of the frames have jewels on, which capture the sun streaming in through the windows, immediately bouncing it back off on to the cream sofa.
Jamie can’t hide his curiosity as he creeps around the room, looking at them all, bending down to see a girl he barely recognises. I follow him around, laughing. He sees that I’m in virtually every single one: laughing, smiling, gazing away from the camera, in colour, in black and white, with the kids, on my own, with friends and with my family.
‘Erm, what happened to the girl who would never allow herself to be in front of the camera?’ he asks, puzzled.
‘She learned to let people in,’ I say, smiling.
He does a very over-exaggerated ‘Oh right, yes … I see’, much to my amusement. ‘And which wise soul told you that? He must be very clever?’
‘Nah,’ I shrug. ‘He was all right. Just someone I used to know.’
‘Cheeky, you!’ he whispers, playfully wiggling the tip of my nose with his finger.
I sit down on the edge of the sofa, and he joins me.
‘Jamie … Why are you here? And why now?’
He smiles, briefly looking down at the floor, before turning back to me and shuffling to find a position he’s comfortable in.
‘I’ve needed the last six months to sort everything … me … out, Steph,’ he says.
‘Of course.’ I nod.
‘I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch,’ he explains. ‘There was just too much going on, and I needed to get my head straight. The amount of stuff I’ve had to deal with …’
‘I can imagine. I’ve had it all too …’
‘How are things with Matt?’ he asks.
‘Well, we’re not on brilliant terms, put it that way. The divorce is ongoing and our only contact is for the girls, who are fine. I’m just glad I’m away from him.’
‘Good,’ he says. ‘Good for you.’
‘How about you?’ I ask him.
‘How can you expect your wife to understand that you loved two women at the same time? How can anyone make sense of that?’
‘It’s a tough one,’ I say. ‘Took me years to accept it, and I wasn’t your wife.’
He nods and it seems impossible that a fleeting encounter which caused us to meet ten years ago has led to where we are today.
‘Stephanie, I need to ask you something,’ he says.
I uncross my legs and turn to face him a little more.
‘OK,’ I reply, nervously.
‘Helen and I are in the middle of getting divorced. And, if I’m being brutally honest, I’m not sure that even if you weren’t in the picture, we would have made it. The people we became are so, so different to who we were when we met. And we grew in different directions.’
I interrupt. ‘I didn’t help, though.’
‘No,’ he says, and takes a deep breath. ‘That’s true. You didn’t help my marriage, but you showed me the person I wanted to be. You made me a better person. Overall, and despite all the awfulness of the past six months, my life is better because of you.’
I can’t stop the smile which spreads across my face. Taking my hand, he kisses the top of it as he looks right into my eyes.
My love.
This feels different to all the other times we’ve met. It’s not sordid or illicit. It’s honest and legitimate – and true.
‘Stephanie, I love you so much …’
This is the first time he’s ever said these words, so explicitly.
‘I’ve always loved you. It’s always been you. And I know we haven’t exactly had an easy route to get here, in fact, it’s been pretty ridiculous, but you’re the only one I want and so I wondered if you, you know, wanted to … erm … give it a go? With me?’
I don’t think my smile can get any bigger. Tears form behind my eyes, because sitting in front of me is the man I love who loves me back.
Reaching out and tenderly laying my hands on the side of his neck, I bring his face to mine.
‘Jamie Dobson, are you asking me out?’ I whisper.
‘Well, I feel like after ten years of messing about, I should probably take the plunge. What do you think? Should we give it a go? I mean, a proper go?’
‘I’d love to,’ I reply, leaning in for a kiss. ‘And I love you too.’
I don’t know why things happen the way they do. Maybe the universe does have a path set out for us all and we have to follow it to get where we are meant to be. I honestly don’t know. I hate that people have got hurt along this particular path. But this feels right. No, more than right.
Perfect.
CHAPTER 34
Saturday 21 July 2018
Jamie
‘Turn it up, Mummy! I love this one!’ Evie shouts from the back of the car.
‘She really is her mother’s daughter, isn’t she?’ I turn and laugh at Steph, who sits in the passenger seat and requires absolutely no encouragement to increase the volume.
‘Mummy, you have to do the Ana bit again and Jamie does the Hans bit,’ Evie demands, clapping her hands as Adelaide joins in. I glance at Steph, rolling my eyes, pretending I want no part of this, but she knows I love it.
‘You joining in, Seb?’ I shout, peeking at him in the rear-view mirror.
‘No!’ he yells back, quickly attaching the headphones to his iPad.
When you live with two little girls, you’ve got to be OK with Disney films, and that means watching them on loop and learning the songs. It’s unavoidable. It also means that on this long journey from Cambridgeshire to Cornwall, that’s all we’ve listened to. We’re on the final stretch now so we’re doing anything just to get through it.
So, here we go – ‘Love Is An Open Door’, for the twentieth time in the last five hours. The girls love it when Steph and I do the different parts. Steph loves it too, gets really into it. But, then again, she’s always loved belting out a tune. As I drive us through the country roads on a beautiful summer morning, I couldn’t ask for more than being in a car full of singing and happiness.
I just love this little crew we’ve got.
The house we’re staying in for the week is beautiful, just above the beach, with panoramic views from a stunning decked area. The kids are desperate to run out and explore when we arrive, so we dump our stuff and head straight to the beach.
The girls are overwhelmed with excitement. Adelaide, four and, as she insists on telling us, three-quarters, runs around copying everything Evie does. At seven years old, she likes to think of herself as the ‘big sister’.
‘Now, Adelaide! Don’t go too close to the sea. You’ll have to hold my hand, OK?’ she chirps.
They waste no time in skipping around the beach collecting shells and placing them delicately in buckets they’ve brought. Steph walks around with them, celebrating appropriately whenever they find a new one.
Sebby is straight into building a massive sandcastle city.
‘Dad! Can we do it so that the water comes in and goes around it like a moat?!’ he asks, excitedly.
�
��It’s not even a proper sandcastle if it doesn’t have a moat, son!’ I tell him, setting to work. The tide is out so we take our time. He’s fairly quiet throughout the epic construction. It usually takes him half a day or so to settle into being with us whenever he comes from Helen’s, as if he needs to adjust to the different dynamic. I waited a good six months of being with Steph properly before introducing her to Seb. And as it turns out, Helen now has a boyfriend Seb’s just been introduced to, so it’s hard for him. It’s difficult knowing another man spends time with him when I don’t. It’s a challenging situation for all of us.
It’s not long before we’ve created a city of sand. Crouching in front of it, with sand sticking to our knees and hands, we admire our creation.
‘Proud of that! Are you?’ I ask him.
‘Yeah. It’s all right,’ he says, shrugging and sitting next to me, pushing his bare feet into the sand.
‘Seb … how are things going?’
‘OK,’ he grunts.
‘Everything all right at school?’
‘Yeah.’
Looking out to the shoreline for a second, I see Steph knee-deep in the sea hand-in-hand with both daughters. They’re jumping over waves and screaming when they break over their bodies.
‘Your mum told me that you’re going to see your granny and grandad next week, son. That’ll be nice,’
‘Yeah, I suppose,’ he replies, without looking at me as he draws patterns in the sand with his finger.
‘What is it, Sebby? It’s not like you to be so quiet,’ I tell him, gently sweeping his dark, messy brown hair out of his eyes. ‘You know you can talk to me.’
He pauses before answering. I don’t want to push him. We’ve had many moments like this over the past eighteen months.
‘Why can’t you live with Mummy any more?’
I didn’t think anything could get worse than my wife asking me why I cheated on her. But I was wrong. This is worse.
How do you simplify that enough for a child to understand?
‘Because sometimes people are better off apart,’ I tell him. It’s the nicest way of saying it, but important to be honest. ‘But one thing we do know is that we both love you very much. And you must never, ever doubt that.’
‘But I miss you,’ he says, finally looking up at me. His blue eyes are filled with confusion.
‘I know, Sebby,’ I say, putting my arm around his shoulder. ‘I love you too, more than I can tell you. And that doesn’t stop just because I don’t live with you. But I see you all the time and Steph and the girls love you too.’
He nods his head, nestling it into my chest.
‘You’re so very loved, Sebby,’ I whisper to him, struggling to hold back tears. ‘Don’t ever forget that.’
A shadow appears in front of us and water drips on to our legs. I look up to see Steph, who has been drenched by the sea.
‘I really should have put my swimming costume on!’ Steph says, laughing. ‘I didn’t expect the waves to be that big!’
‘Mummy, you’re soaking wet!’ Adelaide giggles, reaching for a towel and drying Steph’s leg with it.
‘Thank you, my beauty!’ she replies. Steph’s eyes flit between me and Seb; it’s obvious he’s been a little subdued since we left this morning and his head is still buried into my chest. Shooting me a look and mouthing, ‘Is he OK?’, I give him a little squeeze and nod my head. She crouches down beside us both so that she’s eye-level with him.
‘Seb, I don’t suppose you’d be able to come and help me get the fish and chips for lunch, would you? Only, after what your dad did with your birthday cake, I just don’t trust him to do it,’ she says, winking at Seb. ‘You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?’
‘Yeah, Dad!’ he jeers, pointing at me.
‘Look, it wasn’t my fault I dropped the cake. It was … erm … slippery,’ I stutter.
‘And who saved the day? I can’t remember …’ Steph ponders.
‘Me!’ Seb shouts, putting his hand up in the air. He really did. After the cake went on the floor, Seb – with the help of Ebony – knocked up an ‘emergency cake’ which consisted of half a gone-past-its-expiry-date lemon cake with KitKats stuck on the outside and strawberry yogurt poured over the entire thing with hundreds-and-thousands sprinkled on the top. He made me eat most of it, much to the hilarity of all of us.
‘That’s awesome!’ Seb had said.
‘That’s disgusting!’ Ebony muttered, absolutely horrified.
‘Yuk!’ Adelaide and Evie said in unison.
‘I’m going to be sick!’ I declared after three mouthfuls.
‘Make him eat more!’ Stephanie screamed.
‘He’s resourceful!’ Michael laughed. ‘Do you want to come and work for me when you’re older?’
Now Seb jumps up, popping his baseball cap on. Stephanie leans down and gives me a kiss. ‘Be back in a bit. Girls, stay with Jamie. Come on, Seb!’
We sit on the beach, eating fish and chips with our fingers. They’re drenched in salt and vinegar and the smell takes me back to being a kid. We laugh at Adelaide, who drops hers on the floor (who’s the butterfingers now?) but we all share ours with her. Evie throws some to the seagulls and Seb shares some facts he learned from school about aquatic life.
‘Did you know that sharks have the best night vision and also have no bones?’ he says, enthusiastically chomping into his fish.
Evie gazes suspiciously out to sea as he divulges this information and we hang about on the beach for hours before heading back to the house. Time doesn’t matter. We run around and play games. We splash about in the sea, which is the most incredible aquamarine colour I’ve ever seen. I already know these memories will stay with us all for years to come. Even Seb is laughing as we pack up to leave.
Adelaide jumps on my back and I give her a piggyback. Her little arms hang around my neck and I grab on to her legs. I have flashbacks of doing this with Seb, as I watch him walking ahead with Evie, stopping occasionally to ‘floss’ which is apparently the latest ‘thing’. They keep attempting to do it all the way up the hill, and Steph joins in but she keeps getting it wrong, which cracks them both up.
They’re all absolutely worn out by dusk. They don’t even protest too much about getting into bed with their iPads. Steph and I loiter outside their bedroom door, listening to them all chatting, so pleased they all get on. I then run to the fridge and grab the bottle of sauvignon blanc which has been chilling all day, and two glasses and take it all outside to Steph who has made her way on to the decking and is fiddling with the Bluetooth speaker she brought.
The view is sensational. A spectacular drop down into the bay, surrounded by cliffs, as the stars begin to come out. The sound of the waves crashing on to the beach is gentled by the distance.
‘Gorgeous day,’ she says, kissing me slowly on the lips as I hand her a glass of wine.
‘Perfect,’ I say, smiling, sitting next to her on the outdoor sofa and putting my arm around her. I seriously doubt the novelty of being able to do this will ever wear off.
‘Kids were so good,’ she says. ‘I know it’s hard for Seb …’
‘Yeah. Difficult going through a split when you’re an only child. He’ll get there, though. He loves you and the girls. And I think it’s harder for boys, they bottle things up,’ I admit, speaking from my own experience.
‘Of course. We’ll take it as slowly as he needs.’ She takes a sip of her wine. ‘Hey! Stars are out tonight!’
I look up to the sky to see she’s right. They’re brighter than usual, probably because we’re at the coast.
‘It’s Orion.’ I point out to the constellation directly in front of us, remembering that first night we ever spent together outside at Heathwood Hall all those years ago. ‘Told you the stars have been following us all these years.’
‘You did. Think I’m going to have to finally admit you were right on that one,’ she concedes as the next song on the playlist comes on. ‘Oh, well, would you believe
it!’
I laugh, shaking my head.
‘Come on then,’ I say, putting my drink down and standing up.
‘What?’
‘Dance with me?’ I ask, putting my hand out for her to take. She doesn’t need convincing. Immediately placing her glass on the table, she stands up. Leaning close to me, so that our noses are just about touching, she places her right hand on to mine and her left arm around my shoulder.
‘Go on, then,’ she says.
She loves this song. She always says it reminds her of us. And if anyone knows a good, poignant song, it’s Stephanie. So, we dance, under the stars to Shania Twain’s ‘You’re Still The One’ and I just know this is what my life is supposed to be.
This is my girl. This is my family. We might have taken a long while to get here, but we got there in the end.
CHAPTER 35
Thursday 18 October 2018
Stephanie
I set the tone for how it’s to be, and so we wait in silence.
Sitting bolt upright on the red, hard sofa, I hold on to Jamie’s hand but we don’t speak. We don’t need to. I fill the remaining seconds thinking about the past fifteen months. How insanely happy I’ve been, how I’ve laughed and smiled doing the most normal things – with him. Watching TV, cooking, going for evening walks, doing the food shop, walks along the coast in the sun, sitting in the garden, playing Twister with the girls – just living life with Jamie. How the girls have seen me in a loving relationship with someone, and they adore him too. How they laugh and giggle every time he gives me a kiss. How they insist on him drawing with them for hours. Me, him, Seb and the girls are a family now.
For the first time in my life I’m absolutely, blissfully happy.
Every. Single. Day.
As fast as these images flash through my head, I have to turn it slightly, closing my eyes, almost as if they were inflicting actual physical pain upon my body: memories burning into my brain. I can’t bear to think about what might come.
But as soon as they come in, I know.
Dr Weldrake comes in first, followed by Melissa, the lovely nurse I’ve been dealing with over the past few weeks in the Breast Clinic. They both smile at me in that way people do when they’re about to deliver terrible news. It’s more to be polite than an actual communication of gladness, smiles which evoke sympathy, sadness and consolation, all rolled into one. Jamie squeezes my hand, but I can’t look at him, can’t face it.