“Thank you,” Elizabeth said around the tears clogging her throat.
“For what?”
“For making me feel better. At least a little better. I still have the whole opium and potential sex scandal to contend with. Can you imagine if the gossip sheets got wind of Amesbury’s past shocking behavior? My God, he’d be ruined and when he marries, his wife would be ruined as well.”
“Yes, he would...they would. It won’t happen. He’s kept it secret for this long.”
“Yes, but what if it did get out?” Poor Amesbury, it would likely kill him. See, there was hope. She still had feelings for him. Feelings of pity anyway.
“What are you thinking?” her sister-in-law asked.
“That I have feelings of pity for Amesbury at the very least. It’s not as though I can vanquish my feelings and love for him in a day. They may be strained to the breaking point, but I can’t dissolve them instantly. What I need to figure out is if I can live with his past. Because if it haunts me or I don’t trust him, then our relationship is doomed. I need a man who is faithful, and loves me beyond reason.” Elizabeth scoffed. “Loves me a little at least.” Silent tears came back to slip down her face. “I’m so confused Miranda. I don’t know what to do? I’ve always prided myself on knowing my mind. Of going after what I want, even if I exasperated my brother and grandmother in the process. Mother doesn’t count as she never took any interest in our lives. I keep thinking what if Grandmother knew? How shocked would she be? Would she demand I never see Amesbury ever again? That he never grace the rooms of our home again?” Thoughts fought for purchase inside Elizabeth’s brain.
Forgive him. Don’t forgive him.
He loves me. I love him.
He can’t be trusted. Trust him.
Can I allow him to touch me after knowing he’d had sex and orgies with women, possibly men?
He needs me. I need him. I don’t need him.
His hands are soiled. His body tainted.
“Miranda,” Elizabeth cried out as she buried her face in her hands and sobbed. “I can’t...I don’t...I’m confused.”
Miranda’s warm hand rubbed her back in gentle circles. “Easy now, try to ease your mind. I know it is hard. You are a highly intelligent woman, brave and strong. When you least expect it, your answers will come. Why don’t you lie down, and I will stay with you until you fall asleep? Perhaps a nap will ease all your concerns and nagging thoughts. Mayhap when you awaken and are refreshed, you will be able to look more objectively on the situation. Right now you are in shock and highly emotional, as to be expected. Take a nap and then a step back and things should be clearer. I pray they are clearer for both your sakes.”
Elizabeth slid beneath the coverlet, snuggled up to Miranda’s warm side, and willed herself to sleep. All she had to do was shut down her mind, stitch her heart together, inflate her lungs and then perhaps, she could drop into dreamland. Dream of Edward as she knew him when she had visited his country estate.
EDWARD SAT STRAIGHT and stiff in Wentworth’s study with his other good friend Myles. Both listened to him rant and rave for a quarter of an hour with pity on their faces. Pity—Edward didn’t like pity. He hated anyone pitying him. He’d caused his problems, he didn’t need sympathy, only help in winning Elizabeth’s heart back. Now that she knew the truth about his past, he had nothing else to hide from her. She knew it all. He only wished he’d had the chance to explain himself. Not to mention the new problem which arose an hour ago.
“Tell us about the blackmailer’s threat?” Wentworth said as he splashed brandy into three glasses and handed them out.
“Just that they require ten thousand pounds to keep quiet. Obviously it is someone who frequented the Red Poppy. My guess is Lady Silverton. She didn’t take my rejection of her advances at the masquerade ball well. Also, word has it her husband has squandered their fortune on his mistresses and numerous by-blows.”
“Has anyone, besides Lady Silverton, approached you since your Red Poppy days?” Myles asked as he lit a cheroot and took a deep inhale.
“No. Never. I should’ve known secrets never remain hidden forever. Not when one is titled and wealthy. My first instinct is to pay the damn money. I can well afford it. My second thought is if I do, it will never end. I’ll live in fear of exposure. Day in and day out I’ll be looking over my shoulder for the blackmailer to pounce. I’ll never be able to marry Elizabeth and live peacefully. My past will always follow me...haunt me.”
“Perhaps not.” Wentworth leaned forward in his chair behind his desk, opposite him. “You can hire Smythe. He should be back from his honeymoon any day now.”
Fingers stabbed through his hair. “Dash it all, just what I need is Mary finding out. I know about client privileges, but this is Elizabeth’s brother-in-law and sister. I’ll never be able to show my face in Spencer’s house again.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” the duke said. “We have all done things we regret. Things we hope never see the light of day. Become public knowledge or printed in the gossip rags.”
“Indeed, but I almost wish it would come out and ruin me and be over with.” Edward ignored the gasps from the other occupants of the room. “I could then move to my country estate and rusticate for the rest of my life.” He paused and then forged on. “Hopefully with Elizabeth as my bride by my side. If not, then I’m fine with living my life alone. It’s probably no less than I deserve.”
“The devil you say,” Myles scoffed. “You deserve more than rusticating in the country for life. Unless it is what you prefer. Is it?”
“In some ways it is. I wouldn’t be looking over my shoulder for someone to stab me in the back and laugh about it. However, after I leave here I plan on visiting Lady Silverton and threatening her with exposure. Two can play at this game. I expect my problem to end with this visit. She would be ruined far more than me if our visits to the Red Poppy became public knowledge.”
“Capital idea,” Myles said. “Back to Elizabeth. There must be something you are not telling us. Anything that would force Spencer to insist on a marriage between the two of you?” Myles always did love a good scandal, as long as it didn’t involve him or his family or friends.
If Edward told Spencer the truth, he would make Elizabeth marry him. Could he do that to her? Force her against her wishes? Most likely she would hate him for the rest of their married lives. “Yes. And don’t repeat a word of this. I bedded her.”
“Spencer doesn’t suspect?” Wentworth asked.
“If he does, he didn’t say anything. Or perhaps he asked and I denied it. Hell, I can’t recall half the conversation. And when Elizabeth interrupted us, I fumbled with words and could hear nothing but buzzing inside my brain. You should have seen her.”
Wentworth raised his brows. “I can imagine. I saw something similar on Emma’s face when she believed I won her father’s fortune and her in a card game.”
“Indeed I remember. Myles and I were in the room at the time. And yes, the expressions were similar if I recall the look on your Emma’s face. Can I risk Elizabeth’s wrath and hatred if I confess to Spencer?”
Wentworth poured two fingers in each glass of his expensive brandy. “Tell Spencer and marry the woman you love. Deal with her anger after the vows have been spoken. I thank God every day I was able to convince Emma not to leave our marriage and flee to America. Marry Elizabeth and do all you can to earn her forgiveness. If you don’t marry her now she may be lost to you forever.”
Chapter Fourteen
“He what...you what?” Elizabeth shrieked as blind furry overtook her.
Spencer motioned to the vacant chair facing his desk. “Sit before you collapse. You have that look about you.”
Elizabeth huffed as she begrudgingly took a seat, back stiff and she glared at her brother. “How could you decide my future for me?”
Her brother sat forward in his chair and poured a splash of brandy and slid it toward his sister. “Take a sip and relax.”
“I’ve never taken spirits.”
“I know that. But sip it anyway. You look shocked and ready to kill someone. And I’d rather that someone not be me.”
“Fine,” she mumbled as she picked up the crystal glass and raised it to her nose and sniffed. “It smells dreadful.” She put the glass to her lips and took a tentative sip. “It tastes worse than it smells. How is that possible?” She slid the glass back across his desk. “You finish it.”
“Don’t mind if I do.” He tossed back the contents, let out a sigh, and relaxed in his chair.
Elizabeth inhaled and exhaled, trying to get her temper under control. Which, of course, battled against embarrassment. Embarrassment that her brother knew she’d given her virginity to Amesbury. She refused to think of him as Edward. Refused to think of her brother thinking of her having sexual relations with Amesbury. She wasn’t successful in not thinking about it and heat infused her cheeks. “I cannot believe he told you. You do know he did only so you’d make me marry him?”
“Yes, I realize that. But I might add, you were a willing participant in this.” He paused, his face draining of color. “You were willing, were you not? He didn’t...?”
Spencer’s words caused her to gasp. “Of course I was willing. Don’t be ridiculous, Amesbury would never...”
“Good.” Her brother exhaled. “For a moment, I panicked. Thinking of Miranda’s history has my mind dredge up horrible scenarios sometimes. Anyway,” his arm swept out, “I’d rather not discuss the particulars. He compromised you, ruined you for another, and you could be carrying his child. He is procuring a special license as we speak. The nuptials will take place in two days. Then you will spend your honeymoon at Cliff House. Don’t look so shocked, you knew this could happen? He loves you. Let him explain with his own words about his past. I beg of you to give him a chance and I never beg.”
“Why?” Tears leaked from her eyes, and she swiped them away in disgust.
“Because I saw you two together. Your eyes lit up every time he entered a room. Love shined from them. Also from his. You would regret this for the rest of your life. Take it from someone who knows what it is like to love and lose that person.” His hand combed through his hair. “Yes, Miranda and I are together now, but for ten years my life was torture.”
“You hid it well.”
“Yes I did. Would you want to hide your broken heart for life?”
Would she? The beat of her heart thumped against her chest in a fast, steady rhythm. The answer was no. That didn’t mean she forgave Amesbury for his sins and for hiding his past. She would not just fall into his arms and profess her love. No. He would have to earn it back. Giving it freely would not happen until Elizabeth came to terms with...her stomach ached at thinking about what he’d done. Inhaling, she replied on her exhale, “No. I still love him.” Damn the tears silently slipping down her face. “But when I envision him...” Her head shook. “I can’t talk about it. Can’t speak the words out loud. It will take time for my mind to merge with my heart. I can’t promise anything. I will marry him. Willingly go on our honeymoon, but other than that I can’t promise anything.”
“Thank you.” He reached across the desk and squeezed her hand. “I wish the circumstances were different.”
She whispered as she left her brother’s study, “Me too.” Outside in the hall, she leaned her back against the closed door, her arms wrapped around her waist, and she waited for her tears to dry up. It took some time, but the tears eventually stopped and she made her way to her chamber. Her room for a short time only. Because, in two days’ time she would become Lady Amesbury and live in Spencer House no more. Elizabeth didn’t even know where Amesbury’s home in London was. Would it be warm and cozy like here? Or cold and dark and frightening? Her insides unwound as she knew, without really knowing, that his home would be warm and cozy like his country estate.
WAITING PATIENTLY IN Lady Silverton’s drawing room for her to receive him had Edward glaring out the windows at the gray clouds promising rain by day’s end.
“Lord Amesbury, what a pleasant surprise.”
Manners ingrained in him had him bowing. His features, however, were stoic and his eyes glared daggers at her. “Lady Silverton. Thank you for receiving me. May I get right to the point of my visit?”
“Please sit.” Her steady hand indicated a hard-back chair, no doubt its only purpose in the room was for unwanted guests. Did she have no shame? He sat, ignoring the ache in his leg and spine with the impending rain.
“Thank you. I think you know why I’ve come to call. You will not get a shilling from me, never mind ten thousand pounds. While my reputation will be ruined for a time, yours will be ruined for life. Don’t make me do something both of us will regret.”
She had the decency to blush and gasp, admitting to all he needed to know. Standing, he looked down at her. “While I sympathize with your financial difficulties, you must find another solution. And lest you think to blackmail another visitor to the Red Poppy, I’ve taken the liberty of notifying all members of your deceit. Good day.”
Descending the exterior stairs, he found his steps light and his pain receding. Perhaps the tension and worry had added to his daily aches and pains. He found himself smiling as he alighted his barouche and made way to procure his special license.
THE MORNING OF HER wedding found Elizabeth dressed in her chemise and stays sitting at her dressing table as Sophie used her skills to tame her hair into an elaborate coiffure. If she used the hot iron another time her maid was liable to burn her hair beyond repair.
“Please, miss, I’m almost done. If you could sit for a moment longer.”
What Sophie didn’t say was sit still. Her body wanted out of the chair. Nervous energy coiled throughout her, and she needed to pace to rid herself of it. Inhale, exhale. A few more minutes. I can do this. I can face my marriage.
When her maid finished and she looked into the glass, she gasped. Her hair had never looked lovelier in a high upsweep with soft curls cascading down around her face and back. Exquisite, soft and feminine. Oh so feminine.
“My dear sister, you look beautiful.” Mary exclaimed as she entered the bed chamber.
“Mary,” Elizabeth cried as she stood and rushed to hug her sister, mindful of her hair. “I’ve missed you. Let me look at you.” Mary’s cheeks were rosy and she looked happy. “Marriage agrees with you.”
They chatted as Sophie dressed her in a stunning silk, cream dress. High waist, scooped neckline, puffed short sleeves. The silk skirt pooled softly to the floor. Seed pearls, ribbon, and lace accentuated the neckline, the hem, and the edge of her sleeves. Simple but stunning. Long cream gloves and a crown of blue and white flowers, seed pearls, ribbon, and a long train of delicate lace completed her ensemble.
“You look lovely, my dear.” Miranda said as she entered the room. “The cream dress with your dark hair and fair skin is absolutely stunning. Amesbury will not be able to take his eyes of you. We must leave now though. Your chariot awaits.”
After her maid wrapped her in a cream, fur trimmed cloak, Elizabeth hesitated, her feet stuck to the floor as reality set in. Today she would marry Amesbury. Her once-upon-a-time dream come true. Her real life prince, or he used to be. Will I get my happily-ever-after?
“Elizabeth?” Mary asked, concern etched in her voice and on her face.
Mary must think her silly to be hesitating in marrying Amesbury since she did not know about the issues from his past plaguing their future. “I’m ready.” Ready as she would ever be.
Two carriages carried their family to St. Georges in Hanover Square. Grandmother, Mother, Mary and Smythe in one and Spencer, Miranda and her in another.
Her brother took her hand. “I hope you know I would not force you into this marriage if I didn’t truly believe it is what you want.”
“I know.”
“Amesbury is a good man. He will treat you well. He loves you.”
“I know.”
“Do not be sad.”
“I’m not.”
Silence followed the rest of the journey to the church. Elizabeth was thankful it would be a small private affair. The last thing she wanted was for the whole of the ton turning out to watch her today.
“We have arrived.” Her brother’s voice broke her out of her thoughts.”
Spencer helped, first his wife then her alight from the carriage. Elizabeth ascended the church steps on his arm and once inside, Miranda helped her remove her cloak. They waited until Miranda took her seat, then the violinist started and her brother escorted her up the aisle. Forcing herself not to look at the ground, Elizabeth tilted her head up and gasped as her eyes locked with Amesbury’s. Even at this distance she could see he appeared nervous. His smile tight, not natural. He dressed in black formal wear, including hose, black heeled shoes with silver buckles. He looked handsome, but not his usual self. She knew he preferred less formal clothing. If her memory served her correctly, she’d never seen him in hose and shoes. He usually wore breeches and Hessians. That he dressed in appropriate formal attire touched her.
Spencer removed her hand from his arm and placed it on Amesbury’s. For one second she saw relief on Amesbury’s face and a genuine smile before they turned to face the clergyman. Their vows were spoken in a haze of a dream. When he slipped his ring on Elizabeth’s finger tears threatened to escape her eyes. The band of diamonds, one large round one, flanked by smaller ones on either side took her breath away. How had he known she favored diamonds? Had this belonged to his mother?
The Spencer Sisters Forbidden Loves and Broken Hearts Page 14