I didn’t want to love him, but here I am. I’ve fallen for him harder than I could’ve imagined in such a short amount of time. I knew this would happen. I should’ve gone with my instincts and not listened to my lady parts. They only wanted to get laid.
“Chase, dammit, listen to me. The distance isn’t the problem. It never was. This is about me and my dreams, my career. I can’t have any distractions. I’ll be too busy with school that I won’t have any time for you and that’s not fair to you either.” My hands fist chunks of my hair as exasperation pours out of me. By the end of this conversation, I’ll need to invest in stock of Rogaine.
“No, this isn’t about what’s fair to me. This is about what’s easiest for you. You’re scared, so you’re running. What about me and what I want? I have dreams too, you know. It just wasn’t until recently that I realized you were a big part of my dreams. I’d hoped I would fit into yours, too.” His voice wavers with overwhelming emotion and it breaks me. It rips me down to the core, pulling out my heart in one fell swoop.
My throat gets thick and my voice turns watery. “You do, that’s what fucking sucks. God, don’t you think this is killing me? Don’t you think I want this as badly as you do? Of course I want to be with you, but I refuse to put my dreams aside for anyone.”
“I’m not asking you to give up medical school or your fucking dreams. All I want is the opportunity to be there with you, beside you.” He’s getting louder, as if he’s using the volume to try to get through to me. He’s acting like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, like he wants to shake some sense into me but he can’t.
He doesn’t have to force me to recognize the frustrating situation we’re trapped in. I understand it with perfect clarity. I feel the same damn pain he’s feeling.
We’ve reached an impasse, neither one of us willing to cave to the other. Our chests heave in synchronization as if we’d run a marathon together and just crossed the finish line.
Maybe we did cross a finish line, one marking the end of us. For good this time. No more impromptu calls or hook-ups. I need to let him go. He needs to let me go.
“I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say because no formation of words will change things or make it better. Even if I tell him how I feel about him, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to change my mind about this.
Even though it’s killing me. Even though I know he’s worth it and he means more to me than I ever thought anyone could. I have to believe that if he and I are meant to be, we’ll find each other again.
“So that’s it? This, us, we’re done?” A stray tear falls and I nod my head even though I don’t want to. “I’m sorry too, Hails. We could’ve had it all and I’m sorry you won’t give me the chance to prove it to you.” He walks out the door and out of my life as I crumble on the bedroom floor.
He’ll never wait for me. He’ll start his life with someone who’s ready for him, someone older and ready for that commitment.
I just ruined everything.
18
Hailey
A week goes by.
Then a month.
Then spring semester is over and I’m graduating with a Bachelor of Science degree in biology.
My best friend is by my side as we celebrate one chapter of our lives ending.
My parents take turns hugging Kenzie and me before they turn and embrace one another. My best friend engulfs Hunter in a bear hug. I stand in the middle, hugging myself, lost and alone.
Today should be one of the best days of my life. I should be celebrating, but it’s hard without the one person I want to celebrate with. I need a change. I need to get out of my funk.
“You girls want to go out for a congratulatory dinner? We have reservations at Le Château Lunaire.” My mom throws her arms over mine and Kenzie’s shoulders, a broad smile plastered on her face.
“That sounds great, Mom.” I follow my parents to the parking lot where all of our cars are parked. Kenz splits off with Hunter and my parents walk to their vehicle. “I guess I’ll meet you all there.”
“Wait a sec.” My soon-to-be-former roommate whispers into my brother’s ear and jogs back over to me. “I’m going to ride over with you.” Her grin screams pity which I hate, but I’m too down in the dumps at the moment to refuse her offer.
“Let’s have a girl’s night tonight after dinner. This will be our last night in the apartment together. We have to make it special.” Her offer makes me sad, but at the same time she has a point. She’s making things official with Hunter by moving in with him since I’ll be heading to Maryland for medical school sooner than we thought.
“You don’t have to do that for me.” I appreciate the offer, but it only makes me feel like a charity case.
“Oh, it’s not for you. I plan to sucker you into helping me pack all night. It’s all for me, I can promise you that.” A small, sad chuckle bubbles out of me as we climb into my red Audi. My beautiful car even makes me sad now because of the cherry color.
“I’m gonna miss you, ya know that?” I squeeze her hand, allowing all my pent-up emotion to pour out of me. Kenzie and I have been inseparable since we were kids. Moving several hours away from her will be a huge adjustment for both of us. If she weren’t dating my brother now, she probably would’ve moved with me.
“No crying tonight. We still have time to become sappy, over-emotional messes. Tonight we celebrate.”
I nod in agreement and pull my car out into busy Philly traffic.
The restaurant is packed and, although it’s my favorite, I can’t enjoy the meal because it’s just another reminder of Chase. A large and very in-denial part of me was hoping he’d reach out today, but since I haven’t heard from him for months, I can’t say I’m surprised with the continued radio silence.
“Are you ready for the big move?” My dad asks me between bites of his steak. I leave next weekend to head down and get settled in before classes start.
“No, but Kenz and I are having a big packing session tonight.” I smile across the table but my brother doesn’t look so pleased.
“Babe, I thought—”
I watch as my bestie elbows her boyfriend in the ribs. “Not now.”
A frown creeps its way onto my mouth, tugging at the corner of my lips. I don’t want her to change around her night just for me if they had special plans or something.
“Kenzie, don’t—”
“Do not even finish that sentence. You’re my best friend and you need me tonight. Nothing else matters.” She turns to my brother, looking him dead in the eyes. “Nothing.”
“I like her. Try to keep this one around, will you, Hunter?” My mom’s smile is full of love as she looks at her son and my best friend while I laugh at her implication. Even my mom loathed Alison, and she loves everyone.
On the drive home, we listen to old school hip hop, singing along at the top of our lungs. These simple moments are what I’m going to miss the most with her. I’m not only going to a new school but one with people actively competing against me. It’s hard enough to break in a new best friend without also being opponents.
We stand outside our door for a minute, taking in the gravity of the moment. The past four years we’ve been through a lot together. I was there to hold Kenzie’s hand when her parents died. She was there when I all but lost my brother to his fiancée.
We became sisters in this apartment. It’s the end of an era.
She opens the door and reaches down on instinct, expecting Mittens to come running, but she moved her cat out of here weeks ago to stay with Hunter. She thought having the cat and his dog, Jolie, together more often would ease the tension. Mittens still swats at the dog every chance she gets, though.
“Do we still have wine?” Kenz calls from her room while I’m already in the kitchen grabbing a bottle.
“As if we could pack without wine.” I roll my eyes and turn on Spotify. “And some music.” Classic Jonas Brothers plays while we sing along, her singing Joe’s parts while I si
ng Nick’s.
Boxing up this apartment is like walking down memory lane. We have framed pictures from our respective twenty-first birthdays. There are photo booth pictures displaying the ghosts of relationships past. We uncover our fake IDs and some bad decisions in the form of outfits we used to wear. It’s nostalgia in apartment form.
I scroll through Netflix, putting on the episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler move in together. I make fun of my bestie since she’s the one who now “has to live with a boy!”
“What’s this? Oh my God, tell me some guy didn’t leave his boxers under our couch.” Between two pinched fingers and held as far away from her face as possible, Kenz holds out a pair of navy blue boxer briefs.
I take a large gulp of wine, finishing off my third glass. “Those are Chase’s. He must’ve left them here one night before you knew about us. We were on the couch and had to dash to my room.” I shrug and refill my cup.
“I’m still a little pissed at you for that, by the way. You know you can tell me anything. That hurt, Hails.” Wine makes us emotional and since we already finished one bottle, things are about to get dicey.
“I already told you. If I admitted we were seeing each other it would’ve been more real. I couldn’t admit that I had feelings for him.”
“Things were already real enough,” she mutters loud enough for me to hear her.
“No shit, which is why I’m harboring a broken heart while he’s probably out gallivanting through nightclubs and showing off his massive penis.” I sigh. I miss his penis.
“Okay, first of all, who the hell says things like ‘gallivanting?' Second, I don’t need to know how big his dick is. And third, if he’s out there showing it off then he’ll likely get arrested for public indecency. Then he’ll have an entirely different kind of penis problem in the slammer, if you know what I mean.”
I whack her with a throw pillow and almost knock over her glass. “You know what I mean.”
“Explain to me again why you ended it?” Her face betrays her confusion though she tries to mask it as she sips her drink.
“Kenz, focus. I don’t want to keep reliving this over and over again. He expects me to give up on my dreams. I worked my ass off for my entire life to get into medical school. It’s my dream to become a doctor, and now I’m this close and everyone expects me to throw it away for a guy?”
“He said that? He asked you to give up med school for him?” Both her eyes and her mouth are round as saucers as she stares at me. “Why didn’t you say so? I’ll kick his ass.”
“Well, no, not exactly.”
“Then what exactly did he say?”
“He said we could make things work, and he’d follow me anywhere. I mean, not in so many words, but…” She’s shocked now for another reason entirely. “Don’t give me that look. I don’t need any distractions and that’s all he’ll be. Plus, if he gave up his career to follow me wherever I end up, someday he’d resent me for that.”
“So, the possibility of him resenting you in the future is worth ending things for the rest of your life? It doesn’t add up.”
“I’m in a lose-lose situation here and I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone.”
“If you’re this unhappy now, how is that what’s best for you? And according to Hunter, Chase is as miserable as you are, if not worse.”
I’m silent as I consider my options. Maybe she’s right. Even though we’re not together now, he’s still in my head and distracting me already. How is this any different or better than trying to make things work long distance?
“Fuck it. You’re right, Kenz, and this is why you’re my best friend. Let’s go find him. I want to get him back.”
“That’s my girl. Hunter convinced him to go out tonight. Let’s get you all dolled up to win back your guy.”
19
Chase
“Dude, what the fuck are we doing here?” The music is making my ears bleed, not just from the volume but from how absolutely terrible it is.
Hunter dragged me out by my hair to this club to get me out of my funk. It’s been five months since Hailey gave up on me and I haven’t heard from her since.
“It’s time for you to move on, man. My sister’s leaving next weekend for school—”
“Wait, already? It’s only May, and she just graduated. Classes can’t start yet.” Panic settles in my chest, but then I remember there’s no reason for me to get all worked up. We’re not together now, nor will we ever be. She made that perfectly clear.
“They don’t, but she said she needed a change. She wants to get settled, meet people, before she doesn’t have time for anything else.” Oh, she can go off to a new city and meet people but can’t be with me. Got it.
A dance floor takes up the center of the large room and on the back wall is a large bar with high-top chairs. I stroll right up to the bar, motioning to the bartender. If I have any hopes to survive tonight, I sure as shit won’t be doing it sober.
“What can I getcha, hot stuff?” Her tits are close to falling out of the bra she’s wearing in place of an actual shirt. Bright, bubblegum pink is painted on her pouty lips and her tousled red hair looks post-sex messy.
I open my mouth to order but get cut off. “We’ll have two Jack and cokes.” Hunter claps me on the shoulder as he yells over me.
“Make mine a double.” He smiles as if he wore me down.
“So, how long’s it been since you’ve had sex?” He glances at me then reconsiders his question. “Wait, no, don’t answer that. That was my sister.” He shudders and shakes his head as if erasing the mental image he conjured. “My point is you need to get laid.”
“Sorry, I don’t jump into bed the minute one relationship ends like you do.” It’s a low blow and I know Alison was a fucking nightmare, but he moved on from her with Kenzie pretty damn quick.
“The fuck, dude? Don’t be pissed at me ‘cause your dick’s been drier than the Sahara.” I take a large gulp of my drink to avoid saying something I’ll regret. The burn of the alcohol sliding down my throat is refreshing.
“Let’s drop this. Shouldn’t you be grateful I didn’t fuck around on your sister? Isn’t that your big brother duty? Not trying to get her ex laid the minute things go south.”
“Do the math, bro. It hasn’t been a minute; it’s been half a year. It’s time.” I hate to admit he’s got a point, but no one even interests me anymore. I always compare them to her.
Before I know it, my glass is empty, and another is placed in front of me. Then a third. When I down my fourth, I cut myself off because the bartender is looking a little too tempting now.
“I gotta piss. I’ll be back.” Hunter disappears into the crowd in search of the bathroom.
“Funny running into you here.” I may be wasted, but I’d know that voice anywhere.
“Hey, Laila.” She scooches a bar stool as close to me as she can get and sits down, half on the stool and half on me.
“What’re you doing here? Where’s your friend?” she asks, sounding like she doesn’t care about the answer either way.
I place my arm on the back of the bar for stability since the room has started spinning and everything is blurry. Out of my periphery, I swear I see Hailey, but it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, wishing she was here.
“I don’t know.” I’m answering both questions, though she may not realize it. She doesn’t care, anyway.
Her hand wraps around my bicep lying behind her, grazing the muscle with her talons. “Since we’re both here, we’re both single, and we’re both drunk, why don’t we get out of here?” She leans her body into me, rubbing all her right places against all of mine.
I stand to back away but lose my footing, stumbling toward her and brace myself on the bar top at the last second before I take her down with me. I’m unintentionally caging her in and she parts her lips, looking up at me from under her lashes.
“What’s going on here?” Hunter approaches from behind me and I bolt upright, whic
h only makes me look guilty. “Hi, I’m Hunter, a friend of Chase’s.”
“Yeah, I hear he has a lot of those. I’m Laila.” Her eyelashes flutter at lightning speed once she gets an eyeful of my best friend. Bloodsucker.
My best friend’s brows pull down, like he’s trying to remember something. After a beat, recognition dawns and his eyes snap to mine before responding.
“Laila, right, I’ve heard a lot about you.” What the fuck is he saying that for? I’ve never talked about her before. If he thinks I’m going to sleep with her, he has another thing coming. I’m drunk, but I’m not that drunk.
“Is that right?” she purrs at him and her claws dig into my arm once again. It’s no wonder I’m not a big fan of cats.
“Yep, my sister has told me all about you. You remember Hailey, don’t you? She’s another one of Chase’s friends.” Now I see what he’s doing. Thank God.
“Right, the blonde. Well, I don’t see her around, so…” She shrugs and her pink lips form a lascivious grin. She’s the cat that caught the canary.
“Actually, she’s right over there.” Hunter motions over his shoulder with his thumb and I spin around to see if she’s really here. I don’t see her though, meaning it’s just a lie he told my coworker to get her to leave. Dammit, Hunt.
“Nice talking to you, Laila. I’ll see you around.” I’m pulled away by the collar of my shirt and Hunter has to catch me when I fall backwards.
“I hope so.” She blows me a kiss and I dodge it in the air as if it could actually land on me and maim me.
“Can we get the hell out of here now? I’m wiped.” I grab my phone from my back pocket only to see that I don’t have any notifications.
“Yeah, but dude, Kenzie was here, and I assumed with Hailey. I don’t know where they disappeared to. I want to call them from the car.” My world stops spinning as the words enter my sodden brain. She really did show up; so where the hell is she?
Chasing Red Page 13