The Goodnight Kiss

by Gwen Rivers

  He’s carried the burden, the guilt, by himself for centuries. “Maybe you should.”

  He turns his head, so he is facing the fire, hands fisting and relaxing. “My father is Loki, son of the giants Laufey and Farbauti, sworn blood brother to Odin. He’s a trickster, selfish and scheming. He arranged for the death of the beloved god Balder. I’m sure you read that much in your book.”

  When I nod he continues, “What it didn’t mention is that I knew none of this. To me, he was just…Dad. A fun dad. He spent time with me and with Nari, took us fishing in Midgard, hunting in the Vanir lands, exploring here in Underhill. He loved to laugh, to play pranks, wasn’t afraid to make a fool of himself for our amusement. I think that might be why Mom loves him so, even after everything.”

  “It sounds like an idyllic childhood.”

  His tone is wistful. “When he was around, he was the best father I can imagine.” He turns away from the fire.

  “And when he wasn’t around?”

  He squares his shoulders as though preparing for battle, then turns to face me. “You saw Angrboda. His consort, well one of them anyway. His jealousy over the Aesir prevented him from any sort of true loyalty. He went to a seer to find out how he could destroy them. She told him to father monstrous children with the giantess. Those children would bring about Ragnorok, the end of the nine worlds. It didn’t matter to him that Mom cried herself to sleep every night he was gone, that I had to look after Nari in his absence. I read to him, tucked him in at night. Went to him when he had nightmares. Taught him to command the fire, the gift that my father passed down to all his children. Things a father should have done for his youngest son.”

  I don’t speak, afraid to interrupt. After a moment he swallows and continues.

  “I think Odin and the others would have let him go if not for Balder’s death. They forgave him for all the other schemes and plots. But his role in the death of Balder was the beginning of the end.”

  I shiver. “They caught him in the act?”

  Aiden shakes his head. “He admitted to it, to finding the mistletoe, the one tiny plant Frigg hadn’t wrangled a promise not to harm her son. Of giving it to the blind god, Hodr. Dad always was a sloppy drunk. When he sobered up he knew they would be after him. And instead of warning us, of telling me to take our mother and Nari away from the wrath of the gods, he ran. Like a coward, he left us to save his own skin.”

  A laugh that is completely devoid of amusement. “Not that it did him much good. Thor and the others caught him anyway. And when we were summoned to that cave, well, we knew he would be punished, but we had no idea what was about to happen. Mom was told to bring a bowl, the largest she had. I still remember the panicked look in his eyes when they dragged him in, still sopping wet from the river and trapped in a mystical net. He’d always looked larger than life to me, but in that moment, I saw him for exactly what he was, a small and petty being.”

  “How old were you?” The book hadn’t been specific on those details.

  He meets my eyes, green fire reflected in his. “The same age you are now. Nari had just turned eight.”

  I squeeze his arm. It’s an involuntary reflex on my part, an urge that I can’t trace, can’t ignore.

  “I shoved Nari behind me and I challenged them, challenged the gods. I don’t even remember what I said. All I knew was that he had fucked up royally this time. I thought if I could show bravery in the face of his cowardice, they might be lenient, on him, on us. The Norse gods value courage above all the other noble virtues. But it didn’t matter, their minds were made up.”

  His eyes close and a single tear tracks down the side of his face. “After that it gets fuzzy. They brought forth my transformation power, one I didn’t even know I possessed and changed me into the wolf. I was essentially shoved to the back. My will no longer mattered, my body was unfamiliar—not my own. I could still see through its eyes, but I couldn’t control anything…couldn’t stop it when it turned and caught sight of Nari….”

  He stops swallows. “After it was over, they dragged me from the cave, presumably to kill me, too. The Aesir fear the wolf. They wouldn’t have let me go. But the instincts for survival rode me hard. I bit and clawed and scratched until I got free and then I ran, faster than I’d ever dreamed, the taste of his blood still in my mouth.”

  His brother’s blood. The brother he had protected and nurtured and had been forced to destroy. Now I understand why he’d sought out that bastard, let himself be captured and used. Why he thought he deserved to die.

  “It wasn’t your fault.” Conviction rings in my tone.

  “How would you know?” The question comes out thick and raspy as if the words are choking him.

  “Because I’ve been killing since I was six years old. And that first time, it was by accident. Every time since I set out knowing what I could do, with the intent to kill any that would try to harm me. They were guilty of unspeakable crimes. But the first time, I didn’t realize what I could do. I killed a man.”

  The firelight brings out flecks of gold in his bright green eyes. “What happened?”

  My arms tighten about myself, the damp of the cave seeping into my bones. I’d never spoken the words out loud. Addy and Chloe must have known, but we never talked about it. “A man tried to rape me.”

  His hands clench into fists. “I should have been there. Should have been with you, watching over you, protecting you.”

  “I made it out okay,” I tell him. “That’s all that matters.”

  He does a slow once over my body, gaze taking in my rigid stance, the white-knuckled grip I have on my arms. “Are you so sure about that?”

  I don’t like what he’s implying. His scrutiny unsettles me further. Dropping my arms, I lift my chin to meet his challenge head-on. “Look, hunting is a part of who I am, just like it is for your wolf. The only difference is, I trust my instincts.”

  He shakes his head, his shoulders tight. “You killed a predator who was trying to hurt you. I killed an innocent child. One I was supposed to protect. Out of the two of us, only one of us is a monster.”

  I reach for his hands. It isn’t a calculated move, or even one I think about. Yet it feels natural to touch him as I try to convince him of something I realized the night before. Aiden needs to accept his wolf if he is ever to find peace. “Your wolf isn’t a monster, it’s an animal. Someone else used you as a weapon. Killing your brother was not your choice, it was theirs. You couldn’t stop it.”

  His response is another shake of the head. I squeeze his hands. “Aiden, look at me. You couldn’t have done anything differently, couldn’t control it. They used you horribly. You were a child. You did nothing wrong. It could have just as easily been your brother that was turned into the wolf and you the one who’d died. Would you want him to blame himself if your positions had been reversed?”

  He stares at me, unblinking, his brow furrowing. “Why did you have to be like this?”

  “Like what?” I frown.

  A muscle jumps in his jaw. “So different.”

  My heart sinks. Why do those words hurt so much? Because I knew how much he cared for the old Nicneven? The one he made an unbreakable vow to obey? Even though I don’t want that mystical compulsion between us, a sick sort of jealousy twists my stomach. He loved her—me—that much and I have come back different. And here I’d been thinking that I was pretty fucking nifty. Laufey even said I made great strides. I won her cantankerous old ass over. Yet he prefers Nicneven 1.0. Ouch.

  I turn away, unable to hold his gaze. “Sorry to disappoint.”

  He catches my arm, turns me back around. “I’m not disappointed.”

  A snort escapes. “Yeah right.”

  “I’ll admit, it took me by surprise at first, how much you’ve changed. The way you stand, the way you speak, your mannerisms are all different. The fact that you remembered nothing, didn’t remember me at all…it hurt. You were my world for centuries, I had you memorized and for days I searched for simila
rities, any similarities between you and the Nicneven I’d pledged myself to so long ago. Your scent and the fact that the Fates are your guardians told me it was really you, but it felt as though I’d lost you all over again.”

  My lips part but he covers them with his hand. I can’t stifle a flinch, but when he doesn’t keel over, I relax.

  His hand falls away. “Let me finish.”

  I inhale and then nod. “Okay.”

  “You’re so much more than you were. And I feel…disloyal just thinking it.”

  What? “Disloyal? Why?”

  “You…the old you, were my mate. You were strong and smart, courageous and beautiful. I felt lucky just to be near you. But…” He trails off, swallows and then glances away as though ashamed. “I didn’t actually like you.”

  I stare at him, uncomprehending. “You didn’t like me?”

  “You were so cold, ruthless and ambitious. Brave yes, but there was no compassion for anyone. No softness or gentleness. You only cared about yourself and what you wanted.”

  “I’m still like that,” I protest. “I’m still selfish and cold.”

  “Really? Is that why you’re in Underhill, trying to bring your friend back to life? Is that why you risked yourself last night to hold me together mentally, to talk my wolf down?” He shakes his head. “The Nicneven I knew before never would have done any of those things.”

  I lick my lips. “So, you’re saying I came back better? That now you like me?”

  He answers with a slow nod. A charming flush stains the skin along his cheekbones. “It’s unworthy of me to say so but yes. I prefer you like this, with your sneaky dark humor, your cunning and sense of vigilante justice. You’re a punisher of evil deeds, yet somehow your compassion for those you care about shines through.”

  My heart thunders in my chest. He prefers me, modern Nic the teenage serial killer to Nicneven the Unseelie Queen who wielded the power of the Wild Hunt.

  “I dared to hope,” Aiden moves in slowly until he can tilt my chin up. Our eyes meet, our gazes lock. “That you would find a measure of peace and contentment in this life since it eluded you in your last one. And that you would choose to share that life with me.”

  I’m finding it difficult to breathe but somehow, I manage to whisper, “Dare airson aisling?” Dare for a dream.

  A soft smile plays across his lips and he nods. “You have always been a dream that is worth any risk.”

  The moment stretches out, a big lazy cat that is completely content to linger. My awareness of him increases. Time seems to slow as every detail sharpens, like those moments right before I strike. I make note of everything, the sweep of his dark hair. The hungry look in his green eyes. The scent of cedar and sage that beckons me closer. The way he licks those perfect lips. I wet my own lips in response.

  “Nic,” he whispers.

  My gaze sweeps down his body as my awareness grows and the heat builds. Not external heat from Aiden or from the fire but my own internal furnace blazes. Where moments before I’d been cold, now my temperature spikes. Desire. I’m feeling desire, not a desire for food or rest or a kill, but for another person.

  For Aiden.

  My brows draw together. “You told me once to let you know if my lack of attraction for you changed.”

  “And has it?” His breaths are sharp and jagged.

  I am mesmerized by the sight of his bare chest rising and falling. He is all male perfection but this time I see it not as just aesthetically pleasing. No, I’m fighting urges to touch and stroke, to explore his body with my hands. With my mouth.

  Where would I start?

  The stubble along his chin, days’ worth of growth. It’ll prickle my fingertips. The ghost of the sensation makes me shiver, as though I am touching him already. The air between us is charged, like a great storm growing closer, on the brink, an instant from being unleashed upon the world below.

  “I don’t know….” I swallow, hunting, not for game but for words, the right words. Words to make him understand things I can barely comprehend myself. “I don’t know if I can be what you need me to be.”

  He cups my face, his big hands gentle. “You are already everything I could ever want.”

  It’s too much, his acceptance of me, of what I am willing and able to give him. For the first time in my life, I initiate a kiss, not for punishment. For pleasure. Despite all my experience, it isn’t a smooth thing. Our teeth click, our noses bump. But he is as hungry for me as I am for him. My fingers find that stubble and marvel at the contrast between the roughness and the softness of his mouth.

  The hands cradling my face move downward, exploring the column of my neck, sweeping along my collarbones. In a deft move, he undoes the knot in my cloak and the fabric puddles on the ground.

  I pull him down on top of it, intent on my own exploration of his body. I want his weight on me, want to feel his bare skin sliding along my own. Though the images in my mind are a jumble, my flesh knows his. Though I’ve never been touched this way, my body instinctively accepts that Aiden can give me what I need.

  He is hard everywhere. All lean ropey muscle covered by smooth skin. The expanse of his back enthralls me even as I take a deeper taste of his mouth. His tongue tangles with my own. His hands sweep over my belly until my hips fit snuggly against his. I feel him there through those sweats that any sane person would have rejected for suitable clothing. He is hard and thick. Ready.

  He pulls back, a question in his eyes. “Tell me if this is what you want.”

  My breaths come out in rough pants, my pulse thundering in my ears. Whether the attraction has developed naturally over the course of days spent working together or is some sort of remnant from my last life, I don’t know. Neither do I care. My only concern is the urge I feel, the ache deep inside to touch and be touched.

  It is that uncontrollable need that terrifies me.

  “I’m…not sure,” I breathe.

  I expect disappointment or regret to flash across his face. Instead, he smiles, his expression full of understanding. And devotion. “Then we’ll go no further until you are.”

  “I might never be,” I feel it’s only fair to warn him. “Part of me is screaming not to waste this opportunity, that I should see it through to the end because these feelings might not ever crop up again.”

  He shifts and settles his weight alongside me, propping his head up on one elbow so he can hold my gaze. “I don’t think that’ll be the case.”

  “But if it is?” I push, though I’m not sure why it matters.

  “Then it is,” he says simply.

  I shake my head. “How can you be so…accepting of whatever I give you?”

  He glowers, though amusement dances in his eyes. “You make me sound like a dog contenting itself with scraps.”

  I raise one eyebrow and he laughs. “Okay, maybe that’s fair. And accurate on some level. But what you fail to realize Nic, is that I’m content to be with you. As we are now. Would I like to share more with you as we did in the past? Yes. But sex isn’t a deal-breaker for me.”

  He’s serious. “Let me get this straight. You just want to be with me? Nothing else?”

  His thumb skims my cheek. “Is that so difficult to believe?”

  Yes, I think. I swallow and say, “I’ve been told I’m not worth the trouble.”

  Another smile. He rolls onto his back, pulling me flush into his side so that my head rests on his shoulder and his legs tangle with mine. “Then it’s my job to make you believe otherwise.”

  “Oh, I know it,” I tell him. He squeezes me tighter. “I’m awesome as is.”

  “You are.” I can hear the steady thrum of his heartbeat. My back is to the fire, my front pressed against him so that I am warm all over. The desire is still there, to touch him, so I do, letting my fingers explore his face, his chest, mapping his body to add to the flesh memories, just in case I never feel this way again.

  Eventually, the glow of warmth and his steady breaths lull me into total r
elaxation. I melt into him and my eyes drift shut.

  My dreams are, thankfully, forgettable. I awake and the first thing I see is Aiden’s perfect face, relaxed in sleep. It’s a different sort of slumber than when he was wrestling the wolf. His features are peaceful, not pulled taut and his eyes aren’t darting behind shut lids. He appears younger, more vulnerable.

  And after last night, much more appealing.

  I shift within his grasp, one he has maintained throughout the night, his arms around my body, holding me close. As though I am a commodity so precious he couldn’t bear to lose me. He had always held me that way, according to the memory fragments lodged in my mind. Close to him with his body as a shield to guard me even as he rests.

  My fingers push a lock of dark hair off his smooth forehead. It’s odd, the warm feelings in my chest as I watch him. Without the worry of if he’ll be all right, if the wolf will arise and kill me, I can assess the blooming attraction between us. Perhaps it comes from remembering a time when we were intimate. Perhaps it’s because I know I can now control the toxin emitted from my kiss, that I won’t hurt Aiden unintentionally.

  At least not with a kiss.

  I remember the first one we shared. Fear of what might happen distracted me from the pleasure of his lips. And last night, with him looking at me, the intensity had blotted out all the small moments.

  Now I savor them, the dark fans of his lashes. The shadows under his cheekbones. The thick stubble growing on his chin, the way his lips are parted softly with each breath.

  He’s done amazing things, personal sacrifices I never thought any being capable of, and he’s done them for me. This cave for example. Though he didn’t say so, I knew this is where he’d run to after I’d freed him. From one prison to another, so he could learn control over his wolf. So that he could come back to me, to be by my side. Every step, every heartbeat has been for me, to defend me. I never wanted a protector, never needed one, but his unyielding devotion to me and me alone, that superseded even my death….

  Even if his physical perfection didn’t close the deal, his dogged altruism would.