I shake my head, not buying it. “No, it’s not like that with us. Friends first, no strings.”
The guys share a look, clearly thinking my logic is flawed.
“You’ll see,” I tell them, grabbing a donut. “Jo and I are different than that. We have too much history.”
I walk away, hearing Pax mutter under his breath. “More like too much baggage.”
But I don’t turn back and argue. Instead, I go to my office and shut the door - I have some reading to do.
* * *
It’s five days before I see Jo again, and every hour, every second, it kills me to be away from her. But I’d nearly forgotten that Nash signed me up to take a crew on one of our VIP adventure retreats.
I would have asked him to get one of the other guys to do it, but after what Terrance said, I figured a week away to get my head straightened out wouldn’t hurt.
So instead of being in bed with Jo, I’m stuck taking a family of four, including two bratty teenagers who’d rather be on their phones, white water rafting down Glenwood Canyon.
At least in the evenings, I have time to read. Or rather flip through the pages, stopping at the dirty bits, and the epilogues. My conclusion, there’s no way I can ever live up to those guys in these books. Sure, in the bedroom, I can last longer than any fictional character. But it’s the mushy shit, the big grandiose gestures ... hell, I don’t even know where to start.
And then there’s the commitment.
Because that’s what it all ends up being about. The proposal. The marriage. The kids. The white picket fence.
I rub the back of my neck. I never thought I’d ever have those things. Never let myself want them. But with Jo, maybe I can be the man who makes promises of forever. I know one thing for certain, I never want to lose her. Ever.
I feel clearer about things as I unpack the gear from the trip and take a few last minute photos with the family, before they pile into their mini-van and head back to suburbia.
“How was the trip?” Nash asks, coming out of the building.
“Uneventful.” I toss a bag at him, then sling another one over my shoulder, before heading inside and dumping the gear in the storage room.
“Your dad was here,” Nash says, making me turn around. “Pax had to drive him home, so his truck’s still in the parking lot.”
“Shit,” I mutter, knowing what kind of state my father must’ve been in. Drunk. Mean. Obnoxious. “Sorry you had to deal with that.”
“Nothing you have to apologize about.”
Except it is. My dad wasn’t always an asshole. There was a time before my mom left when he didn’t drink so much. Memories of him and me in the backyard, tossing a ball around.
Before the fighting.
Before the name calling.
Before the cheating.
Before they both left, in their own way.
My mom may have left physically, but my dad checked out in a whole other way.
“I’ll deal with it,” I tell Nash, taking the keys he hands me.
I put my bike in the back of the truck, and drive into town. My father stumbles out of the house, wearing only his boxers and a ratty old tank top when I pull into his driveway. The yard is a mess, and I make a mental note to stop by this week and mow the lawn, before he gets another notice from the city.
I can smell the booze on him the second I step out of the truck. “Hey, Dad.”
He looks confused as to why I have his truck, which means he was probably blackout drunk when he drove to Adrenaline Rush HQ.
“You stealing my truck again?” he slurs, eyes bloodshot.
“I have my truck, Dad. And a bike. Pax drove you home the other day, remember?”
He scratches his crotch and mutters something under his breath.
I sigh and start to unload my bike out of the truck.
“You think you’re better than me, don’tcha boy?” He’s in one of his mean moods, so I just ignore his comment. “You think ‘cause you’ve got that fancy job jumping out of airplanes that you’ve got this whole life figured out. But just you wait. Some woman is going to come along and sink her claws into you, then who’ll be laughing?”
I hand him his keys. “Stay off the road when you’ve been drinking.”
“You giving me advice now?” He grabs my shirt and shoves me against the side of his truck.
I’m bigger than him, and it would only take a second to have him flat on his ass, but I know he won’t strike me. He never has, at least not with his fists. His words are a whole other matter.
“Here’s some advice for you, son...” His spittle hits my cheek, his foul breath making my stomach roll. “You’re just like your old man. You think you’re not, but I see it. A lone wolf...” He laughs, and drops his hands, then smacks my shoulder like he didn’t just assault me. “That’s what you are, son. You and me, we take care of number one.”
I straighten my shirt. “You know nothing about me.”
“I know your mother left us both. Because she didn’t love either of us.” His lip curls up in a sneer, and then he’s muttering incoherently under his breath as he turns and staggers back inside the house, but not before I hear him say, “Never get married, son. Not unless you want to end up like your old man.”
I lean against the truck and blow out a heavy breath, trying not to let his words get to me. But it’s impossible. Because he’s right, my mom didn’t just leave him. She left me too.
I’ve spent my entire life chasing my fears. Seeking an adrenaline rush any way I can get it. Trying to fill the void that the woman left in me when she abandoned us.
I know Jo is different.
She’s nothing like my mother.
But that dark seed has been planted by my father’s words, and fear blossoms in my chest, practically strangling me by the time I pull up to Jo’s bookstore.
Jo’s got her nose in a book when I enter, and when she looks up, a huge smile spreads across her face, but it slowly fades. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I tell her, moving around the counter and pulling her into my arms and kissing her hard, not caring that there are other people in the store. “I just missed you,” I say against her mouth.
Her arms wrap around my neck and her smile returns. “I missed you too. How was the trip?”
I shrug. “Fine.”
“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”
I know my mood is dark, but I can’t shake it. “I just came in to say hi. I need to go home and shower.”
“Do you want to hang out tonight?”
I step back and rub my neck. I want more than anything to be with her, but I also don’t want to put this darkness that’s festering inside me on her either.
“We don’t have to,” she says, smiling at a customer who brings a stack of books to the counter to be rung up.
After the woman leaves, Jo looks back at me, and I can see the worry in her eyes, and I hate it. We’re alone now, and I know what I need - her. Now. Something to distract me from the doubts and demons that are tormenting me.
I lock the front door, then grab Jo’s hand and pull her to the back office. My mouth and hands are on her instantly, and she returns my kiss and touch with the same abandon.
“Need you,” I murmur, desperate to be inside her.
She whimpers against my lips, her fingers working my jeans down my hips. She’s wearing a summer dress, and I tug it up, pushing aside her panties so that her sweet pussy is exposed.
I lift her up so that she’s straddling my waist and sink into her quickly.
She gasps. “Luca.”
I take her hard, fast, desperate, losing myself in her. Knowing she’s the only thing in this world that matters. My butterfly. But will she fly away from me?
The thought makes me increase my thrusts, a possessiveness consuming me. I can’t lose her.
Jo cries out, and I can feel her pleasure mounting. Her pussy tightens around my cock, and a few more thrusts have both of us coming hard, our bo
dies trembling with our joint release.
A guttural sound rises from somewhere deep inside of me. A sound that sounds more animal than human. A sound that’s full of all my fears.
“Luca,” she says, her voice shaky, her palm resting on my cheek, those big green eyes wide and full of uncertainty.
“Did I hurt you?”
She shakes her head. “No. But you have to tell me what’s wrong.”
I close my eyes, not sure how to put words to everything I’m feeling. “I...I can’t...this...us...it’s...”
She’s pulling away from me now, adjusting her dress, and when I look down at her, I see tears in her eyes.
Fuck. I know I’m messing things up. But I don’t know how to stop.
“Jo, listen, I don’t want to hurt you—”
“I know.” Her hand rests on my chest. “I think that maybe we should just stop.”
Ice fills me. “That’s what you want?”
She sucks in a shaky breath. “Maybe it’s just easier if we’re friends without benefits.” She gives a small laugh, but the sound is forced.
I want to fight her on it. To tell her she’s wrong. That I don’t just want the benefits of sex, I want her everything. But I’m not sure I’m ready to give her it. And maybe I never will be.
“Okay.” I place my hand on the back of her head and kiss her forehead, lingering with my lips against her skin until I feel her tremble.
Fight for her, my heart demands. But instead, I walk away.
Chapter Eight
Joanne
“So you just ended it?” Aylee says, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“You should have seen the way he was looking at me. He was terrified. I’m not going to push him into something he doesn’t want.”
Aylee shakes her head at me as we walk through the overcrowded mall on a search for the perfect pair of flip flops. Or at least that was her excuse to get me out of my apartment. It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Luca, which is probably the longest amount of time we’ve ever gone not speaking.
We’ve texted a couple times, but even through the phone, I swear I can feel his tension, the strain that was never there before. At least not since those first few weeks after I had my heart surgery.
He’d been totally freaked out. Not that I blamed him. I’d gone into cardiac arrest in his arms. That’s a lot for anyone, especially a kid to take in. And I know it’s why he’s always been so protective of me.
“I think you’re making a mistake,” Aylee says. “You two love each other.”
“Yeah, I know.” And I do. I know Luca loves me. Just not the way I want, or need. “But you know him, he’s not going to settle down. Not even with me. And if we keep this thing going between us, then I’ll end up getting my heart broken.”
“Isn’t it already?” she asks, sympathy in her eyes when she looks at me.
I shrug. “At least this way we can still be friends.”
She sighs. “I guess.”
“I’m glad he was the one who was at my side when I was little, when I almost died, but sometimes I really wish I’d met him when I was older. I may be the one with a heart condition, but he’s the one whose heart is fragile.”
“You sure you don’t want to talk to him about that?” Aylee asks as we head to the food court. She’s on a mission to find a cinnamon roll.
“He made it clear what he wants ... and what he doesn’t want. Losing his friendship isn’t an option.”
“Maybe you should date someone else then. Like Pax.”
I snort. “No. Pax isn’t my type.”
She laughs. “Well, your type is called Unavailable. And if working this out with Luca isn’t an option, it’s time for you to move on. Have some fun.”
“Like you should talk. When’s the last time you went out with anyone?”
Aylee groans. “I need to carb load for this conversation.”
I try to lighten the mood, but it’s impossible. As we weave through the food court, looking for a table, it becomes hard to breathe. I feel lightheaded in the thick air of the mall. We find a table and I sit down, but I have a hard time catching my breath. Little flashes of light prick my eyes and I feel dizzy.
A cold sweat forms on my brow and I have to reach out and grab Aylee’s arm. “I think something’s wrong.”
“Jo. God, you’re as white as a ghost.”
I hear her words, but the world is already fading. My heart is pounding, fast, and pain rips through my chest.
“No.” This can’t be happening again.
But it is. Only this time Luca isn’t here to catch me when I fall.
Chapter Nine
Luca
“Where is she?” I demand.
Aylee is waiting for me outside the hospital when I pull up. “She’s fine. They’re just running a few tests.”
“Is it her heart?” I nearly lost my shit when I got Aylee’s text saying she was taking Jo to the emergency room. My thoughts went dark. Really dark. Like all my worst fears were coming true.
I spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to prove to Jo that I can be the man she deserves. My mistake was thinking I had all the time in the world to figure it out.
I realize now what a fool I’ve been.
“I’m not sure, Luca,” Aylee says, twisting her fingers together. “The doctor thinks she may have just fainted.”
“I need to see her.”
Aylee nods, and I follow her into the building, the smell of chemicals and sickness assailing my nose. The last time I was here was when Jo had her surgery. I made it my mission not to come back.
Jo is sitting up on a gurney, talking to a man who I assume is a doctor when I come into the room.
Her eyes go wide when she sees me, then she looks at her friend and gives her a look that I’m pretty sure means, I told you not to call him.
“Don’t be mad at Aylee, I’m glad she texted me,” I tell her, moving across the room and pulling her into my arms. “What the hell happened?”
“I’ll leave you,” the doctor says. “I’ll have the nurse give you the number of the specialist before you leave.”
“Specialist?” I frown at Jo, then at the doctor. “What’s wrong with her.”
He clears his throat, and says, “I’ll let her tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I demand.
Jo pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and glances over at Aylee. “Would you mind giving us a minute.”
Aylee nods, shutting the door behind her as she leaves.
“You’re scaring me, Jo.”
She rests her hand on my chest, and I see tears in her eyes. She’s afraid, and it makes my own fear twist in my chest.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together.” I place my palms on her jaw, and lean closer, breathing her in. She is my life. My oxygen. My everything. “I’ve been an idiot the last couple of weeks. I shouldn’t have stayed away. I should have fought you when you said you just wanted to be friends. I mean if that’s really what you want, then I’ll respect it, but—”
“Luca, don’t.” She blinks and a tear falls across her cheek, over my thumb.
“I love you, Jo,” I tell her, pushing past my fears, knowing of all the worst case scenarios, is to never have her in my life. “And I want to be with you, even if that means I might lose you. If you’re sick again—”
“I’m not.” Her fingers curl into my shirt. “I’m not sick, Luca. My heart is fine. You don’t have to do this. I’m not dying. I don’t need you to save me.”
I blow out a shaky breath. “You’re fine?”
She gives a small nod. “I’m perfectly healthy.”
“Thank God.” I lean down and kiss her, hard, tasting her gasp on my lips.
“Luca—”
“Before you say anything else, or tell me you just want to be friends, you need to hear me out, okay?” I know I’m speaking too fast, trying to get everything out before she pushes me away, but I need her to hear me. “
I don’t want to be friends.”
“What?”
“I mean, I want to be more than friends. I want...” I blow out a frustrated breath and step back and start to pace. “I’ve wanted to kiss you, to touch you, to be with you for so fucking long. But I didn’t want to screw things up. And you know me, you know I don’t do relationships—”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“But I’m telling you, that’s what I want.” I move back to her and cup her face again, needing her to really hear me. “I want you, Jo. Only you. Always you.”
Her bottom lip trembles, but I still see that fear in her eyes. “Luca, I need to tell you something.”
“If it’s that you don’t feel the same, then I call bullshit. I know you love me.”
“I do. I always have. But—”
“Then be with me.” I kiss her again, this time softly. A kiss that’s full of the promise of a hundred tomorrows. “I know this isn’t a huge romantic gesture like in your romance novels,” I say against her lips. “But I want to spend my life with you, Jo. I want to marry you.”
She gasps, and when she pulls back, I see a glimmer of hope there. “What?”
“Marry me, Jo.”
She sucks in a shaky breath. “Luca—”
“You don’t have to answer now. But I can make you happy. And I promise you I’ll never leave. I’ll love you for the rest of my life—”
“Luca, stop.” My name comes out as a small sob.
That old fear is back. In my chest and in her eyes.
“Jo, tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what to do.”
Tears pour over her cheeks when she gives me the news, “Luca, I’m pregnant.”
“You’re pregnant?” I take a step back, eyes widening. I imagined a hundred scenarios when I got the call to come to the ER ... but never did I imagine this one. A baby. Our baby.
She wipes her tears away and I try to calm the raging emotions in my chest. “It’s why I fainted,” she tells me, biting her bottom lip.
“Okay,” I say, dragging a hand through my hair, shocked but also so damn happy. “A baby...” I pull Jo into my arms, and I kiss her. The woman I love - have always loved. And now we are going to have a family. More than a family - a life together. “We’re going to have a baby.”
A.D.I.D.A.S.: Get Some Series Page 4