The silence between them was deadly.
“Fair play. I hear you. Let me continue. Sutherhorne told me you really were an heir to an earl weeks later. The whole situation hasn’t been sitting well with me. That night, I’d left the room for a moment to relieve myself. When I came back, he was holding a lit cigar to your back while he…Jaysus.”
Aidan’s stomach tumbled. “Enough. I do not want to hear any more of what happened in that room.”
“Fine. But I’m not done. When the marquess sent me to Standon to investigate Mrs. and Miss Hughes, I saw you sitting outside a building in a wheeled chair. Found out the place was a clinic. Aye, I was concerned. Was it me that put you there? It’s why I came to your room in February. Then your damned Scottish uncle burst through the door, mucking things up good and proper.”
“And since? Why follow me?” Aidan demanded.
Delaney met his gaze. “To see that you were safe,” he answered, his husky voice soft. “After February, I traveled around, taking odd jobs. In May, I watched your home. Saw you with your family. Then you left. Aye, I was curious where you were going. I recognized the man with you. He was in Standon with your uncle. I’ve been nearby these three weeks.”
“Now that you see I am quite recovered, there is no reason for you to stay. What happened to me, my time in the clinic, had nothing to do with you. I hold you in no blame. Our acquaintance is at an end.” Aidan’s tone was firm.
Delaney shook his head. “I’ll be staying a bit. I’ve taken a job collecting rent from stocking workers. I’ll stay until I’ve got traveling coin.”
Aidan sat forward. “I will give you fifty pounds to leave tonight.”
Delaney arched an eyebrow. “Oh, aye? I don’t take bribes. Or charity.”
“Oh, this is most definitely a bribe. I will make it seventy pounds if you leave and never seek me out again.” It was all the damned coin he had on him.
Delaney rubbed his whiskered chin. “It’s tempting, but no, my lordling. I earn my keep.”
“I can assure you that the position you have accepted will soon be gone. There are changes coming to this village, ones the masters will not like.”
“Is that what you’re doing at the cotton mill?”
Aidan exhaled. Why wouldn’t this blasted man take the money and go? He supposed even a brute had a code of honor. “Never mind what I’m doing. The air is cleared. There is nothing between us. No hate—and certainly no affection. If you were led to believe otherwise, accept my apology. I was not myself.” In speaking the words, a part of his dark soul lightened. It was time to allow the nightmares to fade and move on with his life.
Delaney sat back in the chair. “Well, that is clear enough. I wanted you to know I’m long done with Sutherhorne.” He stood. Hell, the man was huge.
Aidan stood as well. “Sutherhorne has been banished by Prince Albert to a rocky island in the North Atlantic. He will never be heard from again.”
“Good. You probably wish I was there and all. If we see each other out on the cobbles, I’ll act a stranger. Goodbye, Aidan.”
A sharp rap on the door interrupted their conversation. “Aidan! Open this door! I’ll stand here all night if I must.”
Cristyn. He ran to the door, flung it open, and pulled her across the threshold. “Are you mad making such a ruckus?” he admonished. “Why are you here?”
“You left before things were settled, an annoying habit of yours, and—oh.” Her gaze settled on Delaney. “You. The man with the knife.” Her gaze pivoted to Aidan. “What is going on here?” Her tone was even, not shocked, merely questioning.
“You’re the woman at the clinic.” Delaney looked between them. “Ah, it is like that, then? The air is fairly crackling between you. I came to apologize. It was accepted. Now I’ll leave.”
Delaney gave them a slight nod and departed. Aidan closed the door and locked it, then turned to face Cristyn. “Done with your medical call?”
“Mrs. Barton was experiencing false labor.”
“We shouldn’t be alone together in my room. Isn’t that what was decided?”
“Blast it! We need to talk, and we’ll do it here.”
“As you have witnessed, my past is not pleasant.”
She placed her hands on her hips. “I’m aware of it, Aidan. You’re not the only young man with a dismal past to pass through the sanatorium doors.” Cristyn stepped closer, tentatively, as if she were approaching a skittish horse—which he supposed he was.
“You sold yourself for money. I’m assuming to buy opium. That was not part of the tattle. When you mentioned your grandfather’s name, the pieces of your past fell into place. I’m a nurse, Aidan. I’ve heard and seen things you would not believe. I’m not easily shocked.” She gently laid her hand against his chest. As always, her touch scorched him, from his skin inward. “You must stop running when emotions overwhelm you. It’s no doubt part of the reason you became lost in the dark.”
Aidan marched to the bureau, opened the drawer, and grasped the opium. Once he stood before her, he opened his clenched fist. “Apparently the dark still beckons. I bought this from a shifty character last night, and spent the next several hours wrestling the demons that still clamor inside me.” His voice shook. Admitting his weaknesses had his insides twisting into knots.
“But you didn’t take it,” she whispered, staring up at him. “You need to start believing in yourself. Look at what you’re doing at the mill. You have a purpose in life. You can and will make a difference. The demons are part of your past. They don’t have to be part of your future. Don’t be ashamed of your struggle.”
Cristyn cupped his cheek. “You don’t have to stay in the dark anymore, Aidan. There are people who love you. Worry for you. Care if you live or die. You have the courage. I’ve witnessed it. You came back from the brink of destruction through sheer willpower. Do you realize how close you were to death?” Her words were tenderly spoken, and touched him deeply.
“Yes, but it was you, Cristyn. I wouldn’t have made it if not for you.” His voice cracked on the last few words.
She gave him a shy smile. “I may have assisted, but the decision to recover was yours to make. And this may be surprising to hear, but you are still recovering. It’s why you’re finding it difficult to handle certain situations.”
“You speak the truth. Take this and dispose of it.” Aidan handed the cloth ball to her and she tucked it away in her reticule.
“You will beat this, but it won’t be easy. Remember to seek help from those who care.”
“No more running?”
“Exactly. And don’t run from what is between us, Aidan. If we’re to have a brief dalliance, I accept the terms gladly. I wanted you to know it.”
“I don’t deserve you. I’ve called you my angel of mercy, and you are.” He took her hand and kissed it. “You are wise and kind and I thank you for your compassionate counsel.”
“And Delaney?”
“He followed me here because he was concerned. I offered him money to leave; he refused. He claims he doesn’t mean me harm, but I remain wary.”
“He cares for you,” she whispered. “Perhaps more than he should.”
“I told him in no uncertain terms there could be nothing between us.” Aidan filled her in on Delaney’s position collecting rent from the stocking makers, and the fact the job would be short-lived.
“Why short-lived?” Cristyn asked.
He took her hand and they sat on the edge of his bed. He told her of the contents of his father’s letter. “My time here is near an end. I want to take another run at Rokesmith, see if he will reveal the secrets I know he is keeping.”
Cristyn’s expression was reflective. “I am in love with you, Aidan. I think I may have been from the beginning. No man has ever made me feel the way you do. Falling for a patient? It is against everything I believe in.”
She loved him. It humbled him, but also made him anxious. How could he return the sentiment when everything was still unresolved, including his wayward emotions? For Cristyn had spoken the truth: He was not fully recovered. Aidan remained silent, but squeezed her hand gently. “I want to tell you what I remember of those last months. But before that, I want to tell you of the egocentric rake.” In a firm voice, he told her of the numerous affairs, the drinking, and the parties. He held nothing back. To her credit, she listened, and did not judge.
“My. Quite the narrative,” Cristyn said.
He released her hand. “Does it give you pause?”
“Do you live that life now?”
“No.”
She stared at him, as if waiting for further clarification. He gave her none. “Do you have any intentions of returning to that lifestyle in the future?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.
“No,” he answered, his voice firm. “Never.”
“Where do we go from here?” she asked, her voice soft.
“What do you want, Cristyn?”
“For you to make love to me.”
Aidan groaned. “You shouldn’t even be in my room.”
“I understand the ramifications. I’ve listened to the advice. But when, where, and why we meet is my decision.”
He snorted. “I do not wish for you to be the subject of gossip. It is not something I recommend.”
“Again, that is my decision. I don’t expect anything in return, any promises or whispered words. Just us, together. I have yearned for it for so long.”
How could he refuse such an open and honest declaration? “God, Cris. You have invaded my dreams for months.” He tunneled his hands through her hair. A few pins clattered to the floor. He gently pulled her head back, exposing her neck. Her pulse throbbed rapidly. He nibbled on the vein, biting gently, licking and kissing until soft moans left her throat. “Damn it, I have no sheaths with me.” He continued on his journey along the column of her neck. “My bleak past? Diseases? A possible pregnancy?”
“There are ways to avoid pregnancy. You’ve been with no one since January, surely.”
Aidan froze. Damn. Hell. Fuck.
“Oh. I see.” There was no censure in her voice, but there was no emotion either.
He sat back, then cupped her face, gazing into her eyes. “I stopped at a brothel in London on my way home. It turned out to be one of the more empty and meaningless experiences of my life. I thought it would erase you from my mind, but it was a dismal failure. I am not the same man. Those types of amusements no longer appeal. Regardless, it can be argued I am not worthy of you. Do you wish to give your virginity to the likes of me?”
“You truly are a bounder,” she murmured.
He kissed her forehead. “Yes. A complete cad. And I’ve been with a man; let us not forget that salient proof of licentiousness. I am a lout, a scoundrel, a dissolute rascal, a—”
“Stop. I believe you when you say you’re not the same man.” She gazed into his eyes, as if searching for truth. Or decency. But if he had any decency, he would escort her to her room and say good night—apparently enough of the rake still lingered.
“I am not. But I want you, Cris, I ache for you. I used sheaths at the brothel, and enough time has passed that proves I do not have the pox. I was damned lucky, considering my earlier recklessness. But I give you my word I will withdraw. I will not come inside you. Do you believe me?”
Aidan waited; had he been too blunt? Cristyn was a nurse, and made of a strong substance. By her own admission, she’d heard and seen plenty. But he could not bear the fact she might think less of him because of his past. As for the future, he couldn’t think of it here. All he wanted was her. For them to be joined. To hold her in his arms. To be…inside her. Aidan waited, and started to grow worried at her silence.
“Yes, I believe you.”
He pulled her into his embrace and held her close to his rapidly beating heart. He was grateful. Elated. Aroused. And completely happy, for the first time in years. “A word of warning: I will not be able to go slow.”
Cristyn gazed up at him. “No one asked you to.”
His mouth crashed down on hers. From there, the room began to spin; how fortuitous they were sitting on the bed. The kiss deepened, grew fierce and hungry. Without verbalizing their wishes, both began to pull and tug at layers of clothing, kicking off shoes and boots. The rest of her hairpins rained to the floor as he tugged her raven locks free. Briefly burying his nose in her hair and reveling in her violet scent, he quickly shrugged out of his coat and waistcoat as Cristyn pulled his shirt from the waistband of his trousers. They laughed when they became tangled in various garments. But Aidan stopped laughing when her breasts peered out from the confines of her bodice. “Perfect, as I knew you would be.”
Cristyn lay on the bed, her expression sultry. All he wore were his trousers. There was so much he wanted to do. Kiss and lick her skin. Taste her, suckle her breasts. But he was not a patient man. Aidan slipped his hand between her legs, found the ties to her drawers, and quickly removed them. Brushing past her curls, wetness coated the tips of his fingers. Yes. Now.
But easy. She was a virgin. For all her seductive looks and eagerness, he could not forget that salient fact.
“Now, Aidan. Put it in me.”
Oh, hell. “Put what in you?” he teased, his voice husky.
“Your…cock. Isn’t that what men call it?”
“Indeed.” Once on his knees before her, he unfastened his trousers and pulled out his stiff and aching prick. Giving it a few strokes, Aidan kept his gaze firm on hers, for she watched him, licking her lips. He spread her legs wider. Grasping his shaft, he teased her wet entrance with its swollen head.
Cristyn moaned.
“Next time we are alone, I want you to show me how you touch yourself. How you make yourself come,” he growled.
“Only if you do the same for me.”
That sensual demand broke the last of any control he had managed to keep. He pushed into her. Cristyn’s eyes widened as he seated himself. She was wonderfully, gloriously tight, and it caused spasms of desire to tear through his body. He stayed still, savoring the feel of how well they fit together. How right this felt. He caught her gaze. “Are you fine? Any pain? Shall I continue?” Please. Please.
Her breath came in shallow pants, matching his. “A slight pinch, but I’m more than fine. Oh, how I love the way you fill me.”
“Whenever we do this, please, tell me what you’re feeling. Demand what you want. I will give it all to you.” Including my heart.
“Then show me how notorious you are.”
“My sweet Cris, I cannot show you all that in one night. But I would love nothing more than to teach you all I’ve learned.” He paused. “How unbearably conceited of me. But I do want to share this knowledge with only you.”
Aidan pulled out almost all the way, then plunged back in, making her gasp.
“More.”
“More it is.” Aidan started slow, building to rapid strokes, all the while encouraging her to raise her hips and meet his thrusts. Then he lifted one of her legs, tilting her enough that his swift thrusts stimulated her clitoris.
Cristyn moaned. “Yes, there. Oh, God.”
All those faceless women he’d had dalliances with since the age of fifteen faded. He leaned forward, rocking back and forth, lost in complete and utter bliss.
Aidan was close, for he could feel that familiar pressure building in his ballocks. Taking his thumb, he pressed on her clit, rubbing vigorously. He wanted her to come first. Give her pleasure before his. “Come for me, Cris. Cry out.”
She writhed and moaned louder. How passionate she was. Absolutely beautiful.
As soon as she shouted his name and trembled as her peak hit her, he pulled out and spilled on the bedding. Clenching his teeth, e
very cord in his neck strained as his entire body wracked with shudders. It went on for several minutes, as this climax was one of his most intense—ever.
How could he let this beautiful woman leave his side? He had fallen for her, and the emotions were as confounding as they were astounding. Aidan had no idea how to proceed; this was all new to him.
Tumbling down onto the bed by her side, he pulled her in close. After several moments, and once their breathing regulated, he asked, “Have I hurt you?”
“That depends,” she murmured, “on what you decide you want from me.”
Ah. And therein lay the heart of it all.
Chapter 19
Aidan kissed her forehead, but said nothing. Damn it all, he couldn’t commit to anything until this situation at the mill was settled, or at least addressed. He should give her the courtesy of telling her that much. The fact she actually loved him held him in thrall; he was still completely shocked over her heartfelt declaration.
All he knew was he’d had sex on more occasions than he cared to remember, but this was the first time he had ever made love. It made him yearn for more: unhurried exploration, mutual oral pleasure, and experimentation with the dozens of sexual positions he’d learned through the years. How he longed to make that connection again, the one that moved beyond the physical. The joining of hearts. And souls. For his blackened soul felt—lighter. It could have been his imagination, but Aidan wished to see if Cristyn was the one woman who would bring light into the dark corners of his soul. Hell, she already had—but he wanted more.
She stirred. “I must go. Mrs. Trubshaw locks the door by nine, and the sun is setting.”
They sat upright. “This is not a sordid affair,” Aidan stated. “I’ve had enough of them to tell the difference. But I must complete my…mission here, before I am able to tackle what is happening between us.” Aidan grasped her chin and tilted it upward until she met his gaze. “There is something quite profound between us, my angel. And I swear to you, we will be discussing it. Do you regret what happened?”
Love with a Notorious Rake Page 21