“What about my car?”
“I’ll drive you back whenever you’re ready. I just don’t think you should drive when you’re upset.”
Shane took him by the hand and they started the walk back down the trail.
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but if you do, I’m here to listen.”
Callan was quiet for a while, the only sound being the crunching of dirt and gravel underneath their shoes. When he did speak, his voice was low and soft. “I have people who love me, I don’t doubt that for a second. But they don’t know me, not like you do. I can be myself with you and know that you won’t judge or criticize me. You’re the only person in my life who knows me inside and out and still loves me. You’re the only one.”
“I’m sorry, Cal. I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m not sympathetic about what you’ve gone through. It’s hard for me to see that, despite your troubles, you have a relatively normal life, and that you landed on your feet.” He licked his lips anxiously. “I didn’t. I’ve been struggling my whole life, and it changed me. But I do know that my friends and family love and accept me. You didn’t have that.”
He furrowed his brow, giving Shane’s hand a gentle squeeze. “When you tell me these things, it makes me realize that what I’ve been through isn’t that bad.”
“No, it is.” They came to the entrance and he stopped, turning to face Cal. “Not feeling loved is bad. It’s horrible. We’re both fucked up in different ways for different reasons, but it doesn’t mean that your pain is any less important than mine. It’s not a competition. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel that way.”
“You’ve never made me feel small.” He leaned down and kissed the top of Shane’s head. “You’ve always made me feel like I could face anything. You mean everything to me.”
He looked away, shaking his head. “Don’t give me too much credit. I’m not a good person, Callan.”
“You’re the most stubborn, moody, unapologetic ass I’ve ever met.” He cupped Shane’s chin and tilted it upward so that they were making eye contact. “And you’re also the wisest, bravest, most compassionate person I’ve ever known. I choose you, and I will keep choosing you every day no matter how difficult you make it for me to do so. I love you. Which means I love all those things about you and more.”
Shane had to look away to hide the tears in his eyes. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anything good.”
“Why do you keep saying that? Did someone pound that into your head until you believed it or something?”
“Something like that.”
Cal gently touched his arm. “Will you tell me about it someday?”
“Maybe.”
The drive to his apartment seemed to take longer than it ever had before. It was silent but he didn’t mind because it gave him time to process everything they had discussed.
By the time they walked in the door, Shane was undecided about what to do next. He didn’t know if they should talk, if he should just listen, or if they should go straight to bed. It hadn’t been a long day but the conversation had been exhausting. Unleashing years of feelings could do that to people.
Cal made the decision for him as he headed for Shane’s bedroom and climbed into bed. “I missed this place.”
“God knows why,” Shane mumbled as he followed suit.
“Because this is where you live.” He interlocked his fingers on his chest. “This is where we made love for the first time. Do you remember?”
“How the hell could I forget losing my virginity?”
“Well...half of it.” Callan grinned. “What was that girlfriend’s name?”
“Molly. We never had sex.”
Sitting up, he furrowed his brow. “But you said-”
“I lied.” He smirked, shifting his gaze to meet Cal’s. “I’d done other things, but I’d never had sex with a guy or a girl before.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He clicked his tongue and nudged Shane’s arm. “That makes it twice as special.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
Cal heaved a sigh a laid back down. “Had you been in love before me?”
“I had a boyfriend. And then a girlfriend. I wasn’t in love with either of them but I did care for them a great deal.” He shifted to his side. “What about you?”
“Before you, I think I was in love...once.”
“And after me?”
Callan was quiet for a long period of time. If Shane hadn’t been staring at him, he would’ve thought that he’d fallen asleep. He was wide awake and staring at the ceiling. Just when Shane was about to say that he didn’t have to answer, Callan did.
“I fell in love twice while we were apart. I was with a woman for a year and then a man for two years.”
“What happened with them?”
“I think I attracted someone my parents would approve of. She seemed like an angel in public. Smart, beautiful, kind. And behind closed doors, she was tearing down my self-esteem, little by little.” He pursed his lips. “She belittled me, called me names, made me feel stupid. I even found out that she cheated on me.”
“Holy shit. I’m sorry, Cal.” Shane placed one hand over Cal’s, still interlocked on his chest, and he could feel Callan’s racing heart underneath their hands. “What happened with the guy?”
“He was closeted, but he took it a step further. I guess he had a love, hate relationship with me. He said he loved me but treated me as though he hated me.” He turned on his side, facing Shane. “It was...a very cold, dark, and lonely place to be in.”
“Thank you for trusting me with that. I’m sure it’s not easy to talk about.”
“Well, you’re easy to talk to.” Cal chuckled. “I know that’s ironic considering you won’t open up, but it’s true.”
“Believe me, I wish I could.”
Gaze wandering over Shane, it settled on their hands. “What about the people after me? Can you at least tell me that?”
He shrugged. “I’ve picked people up at bars. Gone out with some cute guys and pretty girls.”
“But you didn’t love anyone?”
“No. The minute I first saw you, I knew that you would be it for me. All or nothing. I knew that life would never be the same and that I wouldn’t love anyone after you.”
Swallowing hard, his eyes filled with tears. “Do you know what I was thinking about when we were apart, when I was with those other people?”
“What?”
“You. And all the ways they couldn’t compare.” One hand came to Shane’s face, thumb gently grazing the sharp cheekbone. “How you would never hurt me. How you loved me more than anyone ever has, more than anyone ever could. And better, too.”
His bottom lip trembled and he closed his eyes. “Fuck, Cal. Don’t make me cry.”
“Why not?” he asked softly. “What would be so bad about that?”
“Because if I start, I’ll never stop.”
Callan pulled Shane closer, chest to chest, and kissed him deeply. Shane’s fingers worked their way under Cal’s shirt and pulled it upward until it was over his head. Cal tried to do the same to him but he stopped it.
Breathless, Cal broke the kiss and sat up, leaning over him. “But I want to kiss you.”
“You are kissing me.”
“I want to kiss you everywhere.” He leaned down and nuzzled Shane’s neck. “What if I turn off the lights?”
He shook his head. “I’m not ready.”
“Okay. I’ll stop asking. Except-” He licked his lips. “Can I make love to you, just this once?”
“No. I don’t like it.”
“So many limitations,” he whined before chuckling. “Alright, Shane. I won’t cross your boundaries.”
“I know. And you’re the only one who doesn’t complain about the fact that I have them.”
“I’m in love with you for you.” Callan began a trail of kisses down his neck and then over his shirt. “And I will take you as you are.�
�
Dinner was over, the bar was loud, and everyone was talking over drinks. Ethan and Troy seemed to be involved in some heavy discussion. Meanwhile, Cal was watching Shane’s brooding expression, and Shane was quite aware of that.
The nightmares had gotten worse. Night after night, Callan had been there to comfort Shane when he awoke.
He wished they could go back home but it was too early to leave. That would have been rude, not that it had ever stopped him before.
“I think everyone deserves a second chance.”
Ethan’s declaration snapped Shane out of his thoughts.
“Not everyone,” he said with a scoff.
“Well, why not? There’s a fine line between good and evil. The world is not black and white, there are a lot of gray areas.”
Tell that to my nightmares, Shane thought. “Fuck your gray areas, man. You’re only saying that because of mom’s religious bullshit. Not everyone deserves forgiveness or the chance to redeem themselves. Some people just deserve to rot in Hell.” His outburst had silenced the table. He hated that the three of them were staring at him, but it was too late to redirect their attention. “I don’t care what anyone says. Bad people can do good things, but it doesn’t make up for the bad they’ve done. They don’t deserve shit.”
Ethan rolled his eyes. “Shane doesn’t agree with me, shocking.”
“Would you prefer me being a fake person who agreed with you on everything?”
“I’d rather you were a nice person.”
“Well, this is me, one hundred percent authentic, baby.” He took a swig of beer from his glass. “You’re just jealous because you don’t have the guts to do the same.”
Ethan folded his arms. “You think I’m fake?”
“Not completely. But I also don’t think you’re completely authentic. You act like there’s nothing wrong in your life.”
“Because I’m happy, you think I’m fake.”
“No, I think you’re fake because that’s not realistic. No one’s life is perfect. Just be real, man. It’s okay if you have problems for any reason or no reason at all.”
“Shane the philosopher.” His jaw clenched before he spoke again. “Stop weighing in on my life like you’re some kind of expert.”
“Upgraded from Shane the Pain to Shane the Philosopher. I’m good with that.”
“Oh, you’re still a pain.”
Troy cleared his throat. “You’re awfully quiet, Callan. Aren’t you going to state your opinion?”
“I don’t know. You both seem pretty set in your beliefs and I don’t want to be berated for mine.”
That was it. That meant that Cal agreed with Ethan, and Shane couldn’t be around people who thought everyone deserved forgiveness – that was far too broad a spectrum. Shane was ready to get up from the table, and then Cal took his hand and spoke softly as if he knew that this was a trigger.
“I can’t say that everyone deserves to be forgiven, I think it varies from person to person depending on what they’ve done and who they’ve harmed. And if they have victims, I would certainly take their stance on the matter into account before daring to form my own opinion.”
A lump formed in Shane’s throat. Callan knew that something was wrong. Somehow, he knew, whereas Ethan and Troy were oblivious.
“Wow, you must be thrilled.” Troy shook his head and laughed. “Someone actually agrees with you, Shane. Congratulations.”
“Good.” Shane cleared his throat and squeezed Callan’s hand. “It’s about time I’ve had someone in my corner.”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Shane. We’re all in your corner. You just won’t tell us anything.” Ethan emptied his beer bottle. “I’m sure you tell Cal everything.”
“Not true. I haven’t told him any more than I’ve said to the rest of you. He just knows me better.”
Troy knocked on the table; it was likely his way of easing the tension.. “I’m really happy for you both. I think that’s all anyone wants, right? To find our person, the one who’s going to understand us and accept us for who we are.”
Something on the television caught their attention and Shane was glad for it. While Ethan and Troy were distracted, he leaned against Callan and whispered in his ear, “You weren’t just saying that because you thought that’s what I wanted to hear, were you?”
“Of course not,” he whispered back. “I’ll never side with you just to appease you, Shane. But I want you to know that I have your back whether we agree or not.”
Shane rested his head on Cal’s shoulder. “I sure am glad this is something we agree on.”
“What would you have done if it wasn’t?”
“I don’t know.”
“You would have ended this.”
Shane pulled back to look at him properly. “What would you have done if I did?”
“I don’t know. I’d be lost without you.”
“Get a room, you two.” Troy had come back with another round of drinks. Shane hadn’t even noticed that he’d left the table.
With a smile, Shane’s gaze wandered over Callan. “I think we will.”
The day was always made better when he was sorting through a new shipment of stones and Peter was behind the counter, keeping track of the books.
The stereo was on, playing music that wasn’t too far off from his normal taste, so he bobbed his head to the beat.
Peter cleared his throat. “How’s boy wonder?”
“Who?”
“You know perfectly well who I’m talking about.”
He chuckled as he looked toward the counter. “Should we be talking about my personal life at work?”
“Oh, are we not friends anymore?” He mockingly gasped and clutched his chest. “My feelings are hurt.”
“We can’t have that.” Shane clicked his tongue. “I’ll be your friend if you beg for my forgiveness.”
“Forgiveness?” he scoffed. “I haven’t done anything to you, you little shit.”
“So that’s a no, then?”
“Suck my dick.”
Shane grinned and shook his head. “You’re not my type, remember?”
“Thank god.” He rolled his eyes. “I don’t know how Callan puts up with you.”
Neither did he. He’d been thinking about that lately, quite a bit. “He’ll get sick of me eventually. Everyone does.”
“Have you thought about, gee, I don’t know, being nice to people?”
“Never crossed my mind.” Turning his back to Peter, he continued stocking the empty shelf space. “Being nice never got me anywhere.”
He paused, sucking on his teeth. “When were you diagnosed again?”
“I was sixteen.”
“So, when did you become such a turd?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like I flipped a switch, it was a gradual process, I suppose.”
“I wasn’t always an asshole either.”
He stopped to look over his shoulder. “It was your kid, right?”
“Bingo.” Peter nodded slowly, his gaze downcast. “When someone you love disappears without a trace...you don’t come back from that. People think I’m responsible, did you know that?”
“Yeah, you told me that. You might be an asshole, but you’re not a killer.”
He lifted his chin. “How do you know?”
“I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character.”
“That’s questionable. You hang around me, after all.” Heaving a sigh, he went between looking at a ledger and clicking keys on the computer keyboard. “Don’t you have friends?”
“Yeah, don’t you?”
“Yeah. But there’s something about you that I like.” Peter smiled before tossing a pen at Shane’s back. “Can’t put my finger on it.”
8
Shane kept clenching and releasing his fists. The nightmares were getting worse and his usual ways of coping worked less and less. The only solution that came to mind was not to be better, but to do worse.
Troy was talking a
bout some girl he’d gone out with and Shane was pretending to listen. His eye was on the prize. He nodded several times as though he understood his friend, but they had reached their destination and it had his sole focus.
“Shane, what is this place?”
“We’re going to find out.”
They stood before a tattered building that had likely been a factory or a warehouse in its heyday. The windows were boarded up and chains were on the doors. There were several signs warning trespassers to keep out. That had never stopped him before.
“Do you trust me?”
“No,” Troy scoffed.
“Smart man.” He walked up to what he assumed was the back entrance, which seemed to be mostly out of sight except for a few houses in the distance. “You want to get into some trouble?”
“Um...I’d have to think about that.”
“Don’t think about it too much, your head might explode.”
He took out a pin from his pocket and attempted to pick the lock on the back door.
Troy made a sound that he couldn’t quite process, something between a pained groaned and a concerned sigh, like the way a parent might sound when their child had gotten into something they shouldn’t have. “You can’t do that.”
“Yes the fuck I can.”
“Calm down.”
Furrowing his brow, he turned around. “Don’t tell me what to do.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re a real shit, you know that?”
“I don’t know what you mean. I’m a fucking delight.”
Turning back to the door, he heard a few clicks. The pin was working.
“Shane, stop it.”
“This requires finesse and focus, and you’re short on both.”
“I mean it.” Troy took a step forward, making a scuffing noise on the cement beneath their feet. “If you go through with this, I’m calling the cops.”
Removing the pin from the lock, he turned to face him once more. “Are you fuckin’ serious?”
“I have to, Shane.” His voice was quiet, almost mousy, which was very unlike him.
“Why?” Shane threw his hands in the air. “Because you’re so morally righteous?”
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