“Hey, hey, calm down,” Troy spoke softly. “I need to know what you took. Your heart-rate was freakishly low while you were out, and now it’s racing.”
“I didn’t take anything,” he mumbled in response. “Just my pills. And you saw what I drank.”
“Is this normal for someone in your condition?”
“Why do you care?” He sighed, settling back down onto the mattress. “We’re not friends anymore.”
“I still care. Believe me, I wish I didn’t.”
There was a long pause and Shane knew exactly why, but he thought if they didn’t discuss it, they could pretend it hadn’t happened.
Taking in a shaky breath, he pulled the blankets over his fresh clothing. Troy had changed him. He had seen Shane’s bare skin.
“Shane,” he said in a low tone. “I don’t understand what I saw.”
“Why the fuck does everyone insist on invading my privacy?”
“I didn’t mean to, I was just trying to help.”
“Yeah, Cal said the same thing.”
He furrowed his brow. “Cal knows about those?”
Heaving a sigh, he pulled the blanket over his head. “Go away. Please.”
“I can’t. It may not be my place to ask, but I can’t pretend I didn’t see.” Troy pulled back the covers to see Shane’s face. “How did you get those scars? They don’t...” He licked his lips. “They don’t make sense, Shane.”
“They’re not supposed to. I did them myself.”
“All of it?” he asked with an incredulous tone.
“It was before you knew me.”
Troy chewed his bottom lip, gaze wandering over the length of the bed. “I assume you have a history of mental illness. Is that why you’re so guarded?”
“I don’t have a mental illness.” He paused, knowing that he needed to clarify. “I mean, I’m not on any medication for anything other than my heart.”
“Okay, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.” His tone was sincere, softer and quieter than it had ever been before. He was treading carefully. “Were you mentally ill when you cut yourself?”
“I guess so. I just...” Shane covered his face with his hand. “I don’t have a good excuse.”
“You don’t need an excuse to be sad, Shane. It just happens.”
“I hated myself so much,” he croaked.
The alcohol had blurred the walls he’d built around himself, muddling everything together, making the boundary unclear. He desperately wanted to say something meaningful, something that would mend the broken fence between them. But it was better to leave it broken.
For the briefest of moments, Troy’s hand rested on his arm. “Do you still think about hurting yourself?”
“No. There’s no point.” He shrugged. “I’m going to die anyway.”
“Is that true?”
Shane nodded slowly. Uncovering his face, he could see tears in Troy’s eyes.
“Man, why does it have to be like this? If your time is limited, why do you have to push everyone away?” He threw his hands in the air. “Why can’t you just let us be there for you?”
Shane threw off the blanket, legs swinging over the side of the bed, threatening to get up. “Because I want to be alone!”
Troy raised his hands and stepped away, encouraging him to stay put.
“Fine. If that’s what you want.”
Shane got back under the covers, pulling them up to his chin. He heard the front door close and the aging German Shepard trotted into the bedroom, whining at him.
“I didn’t mean you, buddy.” He motioned for Teddy to come closer. The dog sat beside the bed and Shane gave his ears a good scratch. “I know, I was too hard on him. And on Cal. It’s for the best, don’t you think?”
Scooting over, he patted the spot next to him. “It’s not safe with me, big guy. You know that first-hand. What choice do I have?”
Teddy happily curled up on the bed and Shane gently wrapped his arms around him. Sniffling, he closed his eyes and nuzzled Teddy’s fur. “Please don’t leave me.”
There was a knock at the door. If he hadn’t successfully alienated everyone in his life, he needed to try harder.
Forcing himself out of bed, he grunted from the effort, hand curling around his sore stomach. He could see that the vomit from the kitchen had been cleaned. How could he thank someone he never planned to see again? That was going to be a tricky thing to navigate, wanting to push people away, and then feeling obligated to show his appreciation when they were kind.
The door opened and in came his mother was bags full of food.
“Um, hello to you too, mom.”
He shut the door and went into the kitchen, sitting on the bar stool at the counter..
“Shane Coulter, what have you been up to? You look like...” She set the bags down on the counter, pursing her lips.
“Like death?”
Lorraine clicked her tongue. “Don’t say that. It’s not funny.”
It wasn’t unusual to make jokes about his health. That was just the way he did things. However, he did try to be a little more sensitive around the woman who gave him life.
Panting could be heard from the hallway, and in no time at all, a barking Teddy was at Lorraine’s feet.
“Well, hello there!” She smiled and leaned down to pet the fluffy animal. “Is this who I think it is?”
“It’s Teddy.”
“Cal told me he was looking for him. I can’t believe he found him after all this time! I guess he was meant to be with you.”
“Yeah. He still likes me, for some reason.”
Lorraine unpacked what was in the bags; soup in a carry-out container, crackers, juice, and microwave popcorn. “I had an inkling you weren’t feeling well, so I brought your favorites.”
He clenched his jaw. “Did Troy tell you?”
“So what if he did?”
“Why can’t anyone stay out of my fucking business?”
She clicked her tongue. “Don’t swear in my presence. You know I hate cursing.”
Heaving a sigh, he threw his head back. “Nothing stays mine anymore. The people I know keep reporting to other people I know. It’s frustrating.”
“Well, that’s because we’re all worried about you.” She pushed the soup toward him with a spoon from his kitchen drawer. “Me, Troy, Cal, even...”
He pursed his lips, waiting for her to finish.
“Your brother too.”
“Ethan’s not speaking to me right now. And I’m not speaking to Troy. Or Cal.” He opened the container, stirring the contents with the spoon.
“Sweetheart, you can’t shut everyone out.” She leaned against the counter. “Are you going to stop talking to me next?”
“Yeah,” he mumbled, although he had trouble making eye-contact. “If you can’t respect my boundaries.”
“If you have a problem with everyone in your life, honey...the problem is you.”
His nostrils flared, but he knew she was right. “Thanks for your honesty, mom.”
“I’m only saying this because I love you.” She walked around the counter and placed a kiss on top of his head. “You have to work on how you communicate. It doesn’t come across well.”
“It’s just my personality. I’m not going to change just because people don’t like me.”
“We love you, Shane.”
“Yeah, but no one likes me.”
Sighing softly, Lorraine combed her fingers through his hair. “You could try to compromise. At least a smidge.”
He shook his head. “No. This is how I live now.”
“Can’t blame me for trying.”
Turning on his stool, he wrapped his arms around her. “Thanks for coming, mom.”
She gently rubbed his back. “Shane, have you thought about talking to someone? Professionally, I mean.”
“They can’t help me. No one can.”
“Promise me you’ll reach out to someone. Anyone.” Stepping back, she lifted his chin so that
he would look at her. “Everyone needs someone. And no matter how tough you act, you’re lonely. I can see it in your eyes.”
He shrugged, sliding off the stool. “I’m better off alone.”
Opening the door, he allowed his less-than-enthused guest inside. Against his better judgment, Shane had asked Callan to join him for the evening.
Teddy barked, tail wagging excitedly as Cal bent down to pet him.
“So, is this guy your new excuse for never coming to my place?”
“Hey, I was there…once.” Shane pursed his lips, foolishly thinking his sort-of boyfriend hadn’t caught on to that avoidance. “I don’t feel safe anywhere but here.”
“I can understand that.” After letting the dog give him a lick, he stood up straight, towering over the brunette. “What I don’t understand is what happened the last time I was here.”
Tension hung in the air. Callan was annoyed – had every right to be, but the look on his face expressed something close to anger. That was something he’d never seen from his lover before. His immediate reaction was to take a step back and lower his gaze.
“I want to apologize,” he spoke in a low tone.
“Hey, I’m not gonna-” Furrowing his brow, he took a step closer, and Shane took another step back. “Are you afraid of me?”
“No.” He forced himself to look at Cal. “I’m sorry, okay? I was upset and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“Do you have any idea how hurtful that was?” Closing his eyes, he shook his head. “We made love. It was a beautiful experience for me. Best birthday I’ve ever had. And then, suddenly, you were kicking me out.” He opened his mouth and closed it again. When he spoke next, his voice was unsteady. “I just want to understand what was going through your mind. I never meant to push you into doing something you didn’t want to do.”
“That’s not why I was angry.” Shane heaved a sigh. “Making love to you...I think that was the best night of my life.”
“So what changed? Is it because I saw your scars and you didn’t want me to?”
He shrugged. “Some.”
“Because you’re ashamed of them?”
Shane wrung his hands together to prevent them from shaking. This line of questioning was dangerous and he needed to change the subject quickly, or he might crack under the pressure. “You don’t understand, Cal.”
“Then help me.”
Cal held out his hand but Shane couldn’t take it. He hadn’t been taking his pills regularly and now it was coming back to bite him in the ass. “Give me a minute.”
Rushing into the bathroom, he opened the cabinet, fumbling around the shelves to find the right bottles, even though he knew exactly where they were. His mind was in a fog, vision blurring as he attempted to steady his breathing.
Taking the handful of medications, he turned on the sink, cupping water into his hands and swallowing everything in one gulp. Hands gripping the porcelain, he took several deep breaths in an effort to lower his heart rate.
Shutting off the faucet, he then turned around only to be met by Cal in the doorway. His jaw was clenched.
“What are you taking?”
“Vitamins.”
“That come in a prescription bottle?”
“Yeah, really strong ones. I’m very depleted.”
Shane pushed past him and wandered back into the kitchen area.
Callan followed him and stood at the door, hand on the knob. “You’re lying to me.”
Licking his lips anxiously, Shane approached him cautiously, as if any fast movements might spook him. “Cal, don’t leave. Please.”
“How can I stay when you’re not being honest with me?”
Slowly, Shane wrapped his arms around the much taller man, reaching on his tip-toes to place a kiss against his neck. “Stay.”
“That’s awfully manipulative.” Cal sighed exasperatedly, hands gently gripping Shane’s shoulders. “You’re trying to use my feelings for you to your advantage because you know I’ll melt like butter.”
He grinned while slipping off Cal’s coat. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
Cal tried to hide a small smile. “Then enlighten me.”
“I just want to be with you.”
“Goddamn it, Shane.” Eyes brimming with tears, he moved his hands to Shane’s cheeks. “Do you have any idea how precious you are to me?”
“I know.” Shane’s arms tightened around him. “And I don’t deserve your love, Callan.”
“You still believe that? Is that what all this back and forth is about?”
He lowered his gaze. “I have my reasons.”
“I’m sure you do. But you can’t keep doing this.” A hand brushed through Shane’s curls. “Not to me, not to your friends and family, and not to yourself.”
“Can’t we leave everyone else out of this? Can’t it just be the two of us?”
“That’s not realistic.” He paused. “Unless you’re saying that you want our relationship to be a secret.”
“No, that’s not-” Shane clicked his tongue, bunching up the back of Callan’s shirt in his hands. “I’m not ashamed of you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m just trying to protect you.”
“From what?”
“From the world. And me.”
He furrowed his brow and tilted his head. “Are you dangerous, Shane?”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Cal. But I can’t promise that I won’t.” Releasing Cal’s shirt, he took a step backward. “It’s what I do. People get hurt because of me.”
Gaze wandering over him, the blond was silent for a moment while he assessed the other. Shoulders slumping in defeat, he pulled Shane into a gentle embrace. “I don’t know about tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but, tonight, I love you too much to leave. So, I’ll stay.”
“That’s fair.” He closed his eyes and nuzzled Cal’s chest. “I won’t blame you for leaving. Now or ever.”
The hustle and bustle of the mall made his nose scrunch. Christmas was rapidly approaching and people were doing their shopping. He just wanted to do his regular shopping. The holiday had lost its luster years ago. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember the last holiday he’d been genuinely excited about. Even as a child, the thrill had never been there.
When Harper and Hayden were born, it had made Christmas appealing. They were a joy to be around, always cheerful, getting him into holiday activities, being so grateful for even the smallest gift.
Now that he wasn’t allowed to see them, this time of year had become meaningless again. Although Ethan and Nora had promised to be civil during their family gathering, Shane had doubts about attending. It was better to let them have their fun without him spoiling it.
They had managed Thanksgiving without him; they could manage Christmas too. Except, on the last holiday, he had asked Peter if he could occupy himself at the shop. Peter, who liked to drink, especially during any holidays, hadn’t minded, and Shane had been provided with a distraction.
This time would be different. He’d been staying far away from Peter and the shop in the same way he’d been distancing himself from everything and everyone else. Slowly but surely, he was taking less shifts, letting his boss and friend believe that it was because of his heart. He felt like shit about misleading Peter, especially about his health, but it wasn’t too far from the truth.
Gaze glued to his phone, he walked down the halls, passing various shops and bumping shoulders with strangers he didn’t care enough to apologize to. Then a voice of protest was one that he recognized.
“That’s a safety hazard, you know.”
Shane placed the phone in his pocket and looked up to see his brother. Though Ethan’s face was as warm and kind as ever, it made him feel small.
“Well, we don’t all have families to occupy our time,” he quipped.
“You could if you wanted to.”
“Uncle Shane!” Harper and Hayden came running out from one of the nearby stores.
“Hey,
guys!” An immediate grin spread across his cheeks and he knelt down and opened his arms for them. The children hugged him tightly and he blinked away the tears forming in his eyes. “I miss you.”
“We miss you too.” Harper pulled away, pouting her bottom lip. “Why didn’t you come to Thanksgiving? Did we do something wrong?”
His heart sank and he attempted to swallow the lump in his throat. “No, of course not. I had to work, that’s all.”
“Will you be at grandma’s house for Christmas?” Hayden tilted his head curiously.
Now his heart was aching where it had sunk. He didn’t want to lie to them, but he didn’t want to ruin the holiday for them either. They didn’t understand, but it would happen one way or another. And he wasn’t going to throw Ethan and Nora under the bus. Even though they may have been the reason he wouldn’t attend, it was his behavior that had led to this situation. “I’m going to try. I have presents for you both, so I’ll leave them under grandma’s tree just in case.”
Harper furrowed her brow. “We don’t care about presents, Uncle Shane. We just want to see you.”
The growing lump in his throat made it difficult to speak. “I love you guys. You know that, right?”
“We love you too.”
They each gave him a hug before he stood up. “Call me any time. Even if I’m working, I’ll pick up. Just don’t tell my boss.”
He winked and they giggled.
Nora smiled politely as she joined them, arm looping around her husband’s. “Hey, Shane. How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay, Nora. Thanks for asking.”
Making sure the kids were out of ear-shot, she then looked him over. “You don’t look okay.”
Narrowing his gaze, he shook his head, at a loss for words. Couldn’t win, could he? If he spent time with them, they were angry, but if he stayed away, they were worried. “Why do you care, Nora?” Peering over her shoulder to make sure Harper and Hayden were busy going through their shopping bags, he lowered his voice. “I don’t blame you for kicking me out of your lives, and theirs, but don’t act like you give a shit about how it’s affecting me.”
She opened her mouth to speak but Ethan stepped between them. “You did this, Shane. You can’t blame other people for the consequences of your actions.”
Remember My Name Page 14