“I want everything from you...with you.” He gathered the blankets and pulled them to his chest. “But I don’t think...”
“What, Shane? What is it?” Getting back into bed, Cal sat beside him, his tone softened. “Tell me, please. I don’t want to keep guessing.”
Shane still refused to make eye contact. He couldn’t bear to look at his handywork. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Stop saying that. You don’t get to make that decision for me. I’m still here, aren’t I? If I didn’t want to be, I wouldn’t.” With a soft smile, he rested his hand on Shane’s arm. “I’m confused as hell most of the time, but I love you enough to stay. I loved the old you. I love the new you. And I will continue to love you as you change, and as we grow. I choose you, I’ve chosen you, and I will keep choosing you.” He tilted his head, squeezing his arm gently. “So, what’s stopping us?”
Shane closed his eyes. “Fear.”
“Of what? Of me?”
“No.”
“Of love?”
“No,” he whispered.
“Then what, Shane? Why won’t you tell me?”
“I can’t,” his voice broke. “I just can’t.”
Cal fell silent, studying him. “I’m not giving up on you.”
“Yeah, well, you should. Unless you really want to keep doing this for the rest of our lives.”
“What I want is to hold you. What I want is to kiss you. What I want is to love you and keep you safe from any and all harm. So, if you feel the same way, then why won’t you let me?”
“Because I have to let you go.”
He blinked rapidly. “I don’t care that you’re sick.”
“It’s not about that.”
“Then what is it? What’s wrong, Shane?” His tone was desperate.
“Nothing. I can’t say that I love you, Callan.” Pulling away from Cal’s touch, he brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. “I can’t even say that I like you.”
“What would I mean if you did?”
It was on the tip of his tongue, and had been more than once since they’d reconnected, but Shane constantly had to remind himself that it wasn’t worth the risk. “Neither of us would be safe from the fallout. Just take my word for it, okay?”
There was a long pause, and then, “Those three words that you can’t bring yourself to say, is that how you feel about me? You don’t have to say it out loud, just nod or shake your head.”
I love you, he thought, but simply nodded in response.
“Okay, then I don’t need anything else.”
Shane had to wonder if that would be enough. That, somehow, by not verbalizing his true feelings, it would keep Callan safe.
Maybe he was overthinking this. Was there even still a danger? The past could come back to haunt him, but was it actually a physical threat?
He needed Cal more than he could ever admit. And, maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay. If Cal didn’t mind those three words not being verbalized – as long as he knew how Shane felt – there was the possibility that they could have a normal life.
Normal was more than he deserved, but Callan Reid certainly deserved it, and he wanted that with Shane.
If he let go, just a little, and let Cal in, it was possible that his life wouldn’t fall apart, that they could be happy and safe. They had to try. After everything they had been through, they owed it to themselves.
“Okay.”
Cal smiled. “Okay?”
Shane nodded and Cal pulled him into a gentle embrace.
“I’m going to take care of you, Shane Coulter. You’re safe with me.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about,” he mumbled into Cal’s chest.
“You and your secrets. I guess I’ll have to accept that I will never know them all.” Resting his chin on top of the brunette’s head, his fingers brushed over soft curls. “I can keep your demons at bay, you just have to let me.”
“It’s safer if you don’t. For both of us.” He closed his eyes, arms tightening around his lover. “My demons are much more dangerous than you think.”
The morning came too soon and Shane was hardly ready for the day when he rolled out of bed. The other side of it was empty, as was Teddy’s bed on the floor.
With a groan, he dragged himself to the kitchen to see that Callan was making breakfast.
“You didn’t have to do that,” he mumbled. “I’m not very hungry.”
“Don’t you have to eat when you take your pills?”
He rubbed his tired eyes. “Did you read the bottles or something?”
“No, I just assumed.” Cal paused. “I do that a lot. I’m sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for? I didn’t give you any reason to have faith in me. Secrecy creates suspicion.” Approaching slowly, his fingertips grazed Callan’s bottom lip. “I’m not innocent in all of this.”
“Yes, you are.” Cal kissed his fingers. “I know you don’t mean the things you do and say.”
“I told you that I hurt people whether I intend to or not. It just happens.”
“I’m okay, Shane. It’s you I’m worried about.”
“What? About this old thing?” He patted his chest.
Cal nodded; gaze lowered as he was unable to speak.
“Hey…” Shane wrapped his arms around the tall blond. “Don’t cry over me. I’m not worth it.”
That was the wrong thing to say because it only made Cal cry harder.
“Shit, sorry. Please don’t cry.” He pulled him in a bit tighter. “We’ll be alright. Except, I won’t be if I’m late for work.”
“Well, I’ll get out of your hair then.” Cal wiped his eyes when he pulled away.
“I didn’t mean that you had to leave. But I do.”
“I should get some work done too.” He offered a small smile.
“You still working on the story with the weird connections that don’t actually connect?”
Cal chuckled. “Sounds ridiculous when you put it that way. But, no, I wasn’t getting anywhere on that one, so I’ve moved on to something else.”
Shane couldn’t hide the look of relief on his face. “I’m glad you’re doing what you love.”
“Now we just need to get you writing again.”
“That ship has sailed, I think. I’m just happy to have you and Teddy back. That’s all I need.”
He saw Callan out before feeding Teddy and then going into work. This was going to be an awkward day, mainly because he was contemplating quitting.
Peter might realize that something was going on, but, hopefully, would never find out. Shane didn’t want him to know anything. That was how he was able to live his life. As long as no one knew his secrets, he could sleep at night – that is, when the nightmares gave him a break. And that wasn’t often.
His secrets allowed him to cling to a false sense of normalcy. Without them, he would fall apart. No good would come of that; not for him or anyone else.
“Have you been avoiding me, kid?”
Looking up from behind the desk, he shrugged. “Maybe.”
Seated between two shelves, Peter continued to unpack a box. “Why?”
“Because you keep calling me kid.”
Peter shot him a look. “Shane, I’m serious. I think something changed after you came to my house.”
“Yeah.” Clicking on the keyboard, he focused his gaze on the computer monitor. “Something did.”
“Are you going to tell me what that was?”
“No, I don’t think I will.”
“Well, I’m not going to play a guessing game.” He heaved a sigh. “Besides, if you really knew what I think you do, I’d be hearing about it…knowing you.”
Shane narrowed his gaze, now highly suspicious. Peter couldn’t possibly know the reason for his avoidance. “And what is it that you think I know?”
“I’m not going to tell you.” Shane looked up just into time to see Peter’s smug smile. “See how that works?”
He scrunched his nose, the smile making him uneasy. “I didn’t know it was a competition.”
The smile faded as he picked up the now-empty box and set it on the desk. “Was it awkward for you to see me at such a low point?”
“No. I’ve seen you on bad days.”
“Okay, then. I’m at a loss.” He pushed the box to the side so that he had a better view of Shane. “I’m trying to figure you out, kid. You sure don’t make it easy.”
“I’m not a fucking kid.” Shane logged out of the computer and grabbed his car keys from the other side of the monitor. “I’ve been through things that you can’t even imagine.”
“I don’t know about that. I’ve got a pretty active imagination.” He placed his elbows on the desk before interlocking his fingers. “See, when my son died, that’s when my imagination really took off. I thought about him being alive, and dead, in the most fucked up ways. When you lose someone, but you don’t know what happened to them, that’s what your mind does. It plays on your worst fears, conjures up your nightmares and puts them on repeat.”
Little did Peter know that Shane had shared those nightmares. He, too, had imagined Jake’s suffering in a variety of ways, knowing that any and all of them were his fault. Keys clenched in his fist, he walked out from behind the desk, trying to put as much distance from himself and the older male as possible. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I feel like I’m losing you, Shane, and I don’t know what happened to you.” Peter’s voice was the softest that it had ever been. “I don’t know why.”
While he had suspected it before, this was the moment when he realized how close he and his boss had become, despite his best efforts. This was a failure that he needed to rectify because if Peter learned the truth about what had happened to his son, they would both pay the price. “You never had me.”
“Don’t you know that you’re like a son to me?”
“Ah, so that’s it. That’s why you care about me. You just want a second chance.” He shook his head. “Well, it’s not going to be with me. I quit.”
Tears formed in Peter’s eyes which forced Shane to look away. The tightening in his chest was uncomfortable and he needed to get out of this situation before it got worse.
“Shane, it’s not like that. I’m not trying to replace Jake. I love him, and I’ll always miss him, but he’s gone.”
He’s dead, Shane thought. All color drained from his face when, for a moment, he thought he had said the words out loud. Peter’s expression remained the same, and he considered himself lucky, but if he stayed in the presence of Jake’s father any longer, that would change.
“Well, so am I, Pete.”
Not daring to look at him as he brushed past, Shane pushed the door open and found relief in the silence of his car.
The only thing he could hear was the pumping in his ears from a heart overworked. He wanted to scream, to throw something, but either may result in injury. And that would require yet another hospital visit and more people worrying about it, invading his comfort zone and crossing the boundaries he’d set that had, so far, seemed pointless. Not that he regretted setting them in the first place. That was how he had survived this long.
Groaning softly, he placed a hand to his chest, rubbing it gently. This was going to turn into a sleepless night.
Maybe he could spend the evening with Callan to distract himself from the fact that he was becoming completely unraveled.
Only, being with Cal may be a further reminder of that. Was it worth the risk? That was the question he constantly asked himself. It was the only thing that shielded the ones he loved from harm. That single question had been the safety barrier between life and death. They would never understand and that was alright by him.
If any one of them died because of him, however unintentionally, he would never be able to forgive himself.
They didn’t know how dangerous it was to even be in his presence.
Jake Talbot’s blood was on his hands.
If he wasn’t careful, he may be responsible for the deaths of everyone he held dear. And where would it end?
Family would always be caught in the crossfire, but did the danger extend to romantic relationships? Friends? Friends of friends? Acquaintances?
He should just save everyone the trouble and drive off a cliff. If he was going to abandon them anyway, what was the point?
One action could end all of this.
Except, he couldn’t know that for certain. And the pain that he caused wouldn’t end even if his life did.
Dying on his own terms was always in the back of his mind, but he had a few karmic debts to pay before he could ever consider it.
Hands gripping the steering while, he looked up to see that Peter had been staring at him through the window.
Shane wondered if it would help his would-be father figure to know that he was losing his mind or if that would make matters worse.
Maybe he actually needed to say the words, ‘it’s my fault your son is dead’, for Peter to stop caring about him.
12
Pursing his lips, he looked down at the ringing phone in his hand. It was Nora. He had half a mind to ignore her because they had never talked before and he didn’t see a reason to start now, but she could be calling about something to do with the kids.
So, he answered.
“Did Hell freeze over?”
There was a long pause. “Shane, this is very serious.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, preparing for whatever headache she was about to give him. “Okay.”
“Have you seen Ethan?”
“You know I haven’t.” Thinking it might be a good idea to be slightly less of a pain, he added, “Not since that day at the mall.”
“Then I guess it’s official. You were my last resort.” Her voice was unsteady. “Ethan is missing.”
His breath hitched in his throat. “What do you mean he’s missing?”
“I mean he’s been gone for almost twenty-four hours. I tried to report it sooner, but…”
“Let me guess, the police were no help.” He chewed his bottom lip. “Not even for a fellow officer, huh?”
“They wanted me to check every possibility. And now I have.” It sounded like Nora was choking back a sob. “You know he wouldn’t leave and not tell me where he was going.”
“Yeah. I know that, Nora. You guys mean the world to him.” Shane closed his eyes. “Is there anything I can do?”
“I’ll let you know.” She sniffled. “We’re going to celebrate Christmas with my parents. Your mother will be with us and you’re welcome to come. I don’t think it’ll work to distract the kids, but…I’m doing the best I can.”
Gritting his teeth, he took a deep breath before answering. “I appreciate the invite, but I don’t think I’ll be able to keep it together for them, you know?”
“I understand. I’m barely able to do it myself.”
They should be used to this; him letting them down. But it didn’t make him feel any better in doing so. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“I’ll let you know if anything changes.”
Nora hung up and he set his phone on the coffee table. Teddy whined, coming closer as Shane curled up on the couch. He tried to control his breathing and failed.
His heart was racing and his breaths were heaving. The medication wouldn’t take away these symptoms. Being with his family on Christmas wouldn’t make him feel better. Nothing could ease his guilt.
What Nora didn’t know was that Shane had been through this before and he knew exactly where it would lead.
With a bit of difficulty, Teddy jumped onto the couch and curled against Shane’s body. He felt completely undeserving of such comfort, but couldn’t help wrapping an arm around his pet.
“I’m so sorry.” His tears mingled with the dog’s soft fur. “I never meant for any of this to happen. I try to tell people that they’re going to get hurt and they never listen to me. You can
’t stay here with me or you’ll go missing too.”
Teddy shifted, groaning disapprovingly.
He sat up and patted Teddy’s shoulder. It was pointless to try and wipe away his tears because he couldn’t keep up with them.
“I thought it was over. Nothing had happened in such a long time.” Pulling his knees to his chest, he took a shaky breath, hands pressed to his temples. “Unless something has…and I just don’t know about it. How could I be so fucking stupid?”
Jake’s blood was on his hands. And now Ethan’s. When would it be enough for him to learn the lesson? It was dangerous to be near him. They were dead and it was his fault.
How long before that number rose? How long before he was responsible for the deaths of each of his loved ones?
He couldn’t allow anyone else to die. Whatever it took to alienate them, he had to do it.
Was it worth the risk?
The answer was no. It always had been, yet he’d kept trying.
“I can’t do this, Teddy. I fucking can’t.”
Stepping over the senior, Shane hastily moved toward the kitchen and opened the drawers in search of the sharpest knife.
“I have to stop this before someone else dies. It should be me.”
His vision was blurred as he looked at Teddy who was still lying on the couch, staring at him curiously.
“Maybe if I had done this all those years ago, before it all started…” His voice broke as he shook his head. “None of this would have happened.”
A sound caught his attention, an alert from his phone. Stepping away from the sharp object, he picked up the device and was greeted by a selfie from Cal. He was smiling; carefree, unaware of what was going through Shane’s mind.
But seeing his face was enough. He couldn’t touch those knives.
The phone rang and he groaned at the thought of answering it. It stopped ringing, and then started again, and again, until he couldn’t stand the sound anymore.
“What?” he mumbled as he answered.
“Are you just waking up? It’s after nine o’clock.”
Of course. It was Callan, the last person he wanted to speak to. Not that he was in the mood to talk to anyone, except for Teddy, who only responded with barks and cuddles.
Remember My Name Page 16