“Shane’s here,” Nora called out as she met him at the doorway. “Thanks for coming. I can help you with those.”
She took a few of the gifts from him and then closed the door. “Are any of these for Ethan?”
He nodded slowly, now wondering if it had been a bad idea to bring them.
“We’ve kept his presents under the tree for when he comes home.”
“Right.”
Did she really believe that? She was a cop. The statistics were out there. As much as Shane hoped that his brother was alive somewhere, it was highly unlikely. Maybe Nora was clinging to hope because she needed to for the sake of the children.
Shane helped her set the gifts down, handing several to Harper and Hayden – somehow convincing them to let go of his arms before going into the kitchen to hug his mother.
“We missed you at Christmas,” she whispered. “Where were you?”
“I was in bad shape,” he muttered. “I would have ruined it for the twins.”
Taking a step back, Lorraine looked him over. “How are you feeling? Have you been to the doctor lately?”
“I don’t need to go to the doctor. I’m fine.”
“Honey.” She gave him a look. “You don’t look well.”
“Yeah, I’m f-” Quickly stopping himself from cursing, he cleared his throat. “I’m messed up and it shows.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”
Nora offered them both a mug of hot cocoa. Lorraine accepted and Shane politely declined. “Did I miss something?”
“Nope,” he answered quickly, folding his arms.
“Uncle Shane, come sit with us!” Harper requested.
The adults were going to bore him anyway, so he didn’t mind hanging out with his niece and nephew.
He sat on the couch, listening to the cartoons on the television while watching the twins open their gifts. They were so thankful for what little he’d managed to afford. He remembered being at that age and feeling that way over anything his mother bought for him; grateful for the smallest gift with the biggest effort.
Grimacing at the uncomfortable tightening of his chest, he rubbed it carefully, trying to make the sensation dissipate.
“Uncle Shane, will you read us a story?”
Gaze flicking to Hayden, he considered saying no and being on his way, but this may be the last time they were together. It wouldn’t be fair to say no.
“Of course. Pick any one you want.”
The two of them went over to the area where their books were stored and handed him what looked to be the largest one on the shelf.
He looked at them with his brow raised. “Really? This one?”
Harper nodded enthusiastically. “And you can’t leave until you’ve read the whole thing to us.”
Shane was about to comment on how long that would take him, and then realized that that was the very reason they had selected that particular book. They must not have wanted him to leave.
“Okay,” he said softly. “How about…I’ll stay until you fall asleep?”
“Fine,” Hayden said with an exasperated sigh. “But not a minute sooner!”
Lorraine and Nora were occupied in the kitchen while Shane read what seemed to be the longest children’s book he’d ever read. The kids even turned off the television just so that they could concentrate on the story.
With one twin snuggled in each arm, he couldn’t hold the book, and Harper and Hayden took turns with holding the book and turning the pages.
It took two hours for them to fall asleep, and Shane was true to his word. Before they had drifted off to the land of slumber, Harper had made him promise to return to read the rest of the story. It was a promise he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep, but with their pleading little faces, he couldn’t have said no.
Lorraine took on the task of tucking them in while Shane and Nora were settled into an uncomfortable silence in the living room. The place wasn’t really a mess but she insisted on cleaning it anyway.
“Do you need any help?” he asked.
“Not today. It would have been nice to have some on Christmas.”
His breath hitched in his throat. He’d been waiting for her to make a comment. “Sorry.”
“Do you know how much it would have meant to the kids to have you there on Christmas when Ethan couldn’t be?” Her eyes were filled with tears, and she looked angry. “I know you don’t give a shit about anyone except for yourself, but I thought you could at least pretend to care about the twins.”
“I do care,” he croaked, hand rubbing his chest again. “I just didn’t think it would be good for them to see me so upset.”
“Once again, it’s all about you.” Rolling her eyes, she snatched the book from his hand and returned it to the shelf. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
“I don’t sleep at night.”
“Neither do I. Not anymore.”
“I’m not like Ethan, okay? I don’t know what you want from me.”
“Don’t you care that he’s gone?” She approached him but kept her voice a harsh whisper, likely to prevent the twins from overhearing. “Those kids look at you like a father figure. It would be nice if you could stop being so goddamn selfish and step up to the plate.” Her bottom lip trembled as she wiped away furious tears. “I think we both know Ethan’s not coming back. The chances of a missing person being found decrease by the hour, and that’s within the first two days.”
“I know the statistics, Nora.” He cleared his throat. “I know more than you think.”
“Really? Do you know how much those kids love you? How much they need you?”
“Stop it,” he pleaded, getting up from the couch. “I don’t want to hear anymore.”
“That’s fine, Shane. I’m not going to tell them that you don’t care, but one day, they’ll figure it out for themselves.”
“I can’t be around them, Nora. They remind me too much of him.”
“I want to know what it’s like to be you,” her voice broke. “To just wash your hands of everything, to never take responsibility.”
“Don’t say that.” Raising his hand, he shook his head. “You have no idea what this is like.”
She wiped her eyes again. “You lost a brother, but I lost my partner in life. I know you’re in pain, but you can’t possibly imagine how I feel.”
“You’re right, I don’t, and I hope I never find out.” Shane had to lean against the wall for support. “That’s why I can’t be around any of you. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
Nora shook her head slowly. “You already have.”
Bile was rising in his throat and he forced himself to swallow it, scrunching his nose as he did. “Goodbye, Nora.”
Just as he turned to head for the door, his mother nearly walked into him.
“Sweetie, are you alright?” Lorraine pressed her palm to his forehead. “You look so pale. Are you having chest pains?”
“Mom, get off me. I mean it.”
Lowering her hand, she frowned. “You’re not leaving, are you?”
“I’ve been here for hours.”
“But I haven’t seen you since…” She took in a shuddering breath. “Please don’t leave. I could use the company.”
“No, I can’t stay here and watch everyone cry, okay? I just can’t deal with it.” It was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe, neither of them were respecting his warnings, and it seemed like the walls were closing in on him. “Just leave me alone, you have to let me go.”
“What do you mean?” Tears were streaming down her cheeks. “Shane, please, just talk to me.”
Pushing past her, he made it out the door and retreated to the safety of his car. He took in one deep breath, and then another, trying to slow his heart rate.
“Fuck.” He looked up at the house. There were significantly less lights on. “This is all so fucked.”
Teddy, the only thing he couldn’t distance himself from, was happy to see him walk through the door. He wagged hi
s tail, giving Shane’s face a few licks.
He took the dog outside, gave him a good brush, and then filled his food and water bowls.
Shane didn’t feel like doing much these days, but he couldn’t neglect Teddy. Not after everything they’d been through.
In a perfect world, he would have found a better home for his childhood pet. But someone had already given the poor aging boy away. And he wasn’t going to let Teddy be abandoned for a third time.
They would be together until the end.
His cell-phone buzzed, signaling yet another missed call from Cal, accompanied by ones from Peter and his mother.
He might as well delete his contacts. There was no chance of reconnecting with them. This was it. He’d meant what he said.
With any luck, he would die in his sleep and that would be the end of it. They could hate him or mourn him, or both, but at least it would be over.
No more secrets.
No more lies.
And no justice either.
But, if nothing else, it would be over.
Groaning softly, he curled up on the couch, Teddy lying on the floor as close as he could be to his human. Shane rolled over to pet him absentmindedly as his mind wandered.
And the more it wandered, the more he realized the weight of it all. It was crushing him. That was why he couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs.
The guilt, the pain, the gravity of his situation was too heavy to bear. His body was giving out under its weight.
Grabbing the pillow near his feet, Shane placed it in his lap before screaming into it.
April 3rd 2010
Too much time had passed. There were so many rumors flying around – no one seemed to be taking Jake Talbot’s disappearance seriously. Not even the police. What good were cops if they didn’t go out there and find missing children?
The sad truth was that people didn’t care anymore, they had moved on to the next tragedy, and the one after that. There was always something. Meanwhile, he and Missus Talbot were stuck in limbo.
Kids at school had a lot of useless theories – that Jake had run away because he was miserable at home, that he’d gotten a girl pregnant (which was absolutely ridiculous because everyone knew that he was gay), or that he was on drugs somewhere – none of which made a lick of sense to Shane.
They had been close until his disappearance, as close as he would allow himself to get to a person. Maybe he didn’t know Jake as well as he’d thought. Maybe he had run away, and maybe Shane was the reason.
“What do you want for your birthday dinner?” his father grumbled from the front seat.
Shane shrugged as he looked out of the car window. “Whatever you want, I guess, it doesn’t matter to me.”
“It’s not my birthday.”
“Like you care,” he muttered.
“What did you say?” Unsurprisingly, his father’s voice had risen.
He slouched in the back seat. “Nothing, sir.”
Their route home was like a stroll down memory lane. They passed Jake’s favorite restaurant, their school, the street where Jake had lived. It made him furrow his brow, almost as if his father knew how much he was thinking about the boy today. Was it a way of showing that he cared, or was he trying to be a jerk?
Leaning against the car door as they passed the park where he’d last seen Jake, he heaved a sigh. The posters stapled onto trees were faded. Poor Missus Talbot had to keep taking the old ones down and putting fresh ones up. They all read the same thing:
Missing:
Jacob Talbot
Birth Date: March 9th, 1995
Date Missing: January 31st, 2010
Description: White, medium build, short brown hair, green eyes, last seen wearing a red hoodie and blue jeans
Shane wondered if the red hoodie Jake had been wearing was the same one that he’d made Shane sign on the tag. Jake had been convinced that Shane would be a famous author one day and had wanted a wearable autograph.
He tried to wipe his eyes carefully so that his father wouldn’t see, but the older man was watching him in the rear view mirror. “Shame about that boy.”
That was odd. Shane’s father had never commented on the subject before. Of course he knew that Jake had gone missing, they lived in the same neighborhood, so how could he not? But they had never discussed his friend’s disappearance.
He thought about what would have happened if he’d never met Jake. Would Shane have met someone else – someone better, someone worse?
If he and Jake had never met, would he still have gone missing? He couldn’t imagine his first crush, or his first boyfriend, being anyone else.
“Yeah,” he spoke quietly. “Everyone misses him.”
There was a long, uncomfortable silence. It was something he’d grown accustomed to. This one seemed different, like his father was waiting for something. There was tension in the air. Perhaps because his father knew that he and Jake had been a thing – something – whatever they had been. His father was probably glad that the boy had gone missing. That wouldn’t have surprised him.
So, what was it this time? What was he waiting for – an admission? An apology? Well, he wasn’t going to get either of those things. Shane wasn’t sorry for having a relationship with Jake.
Finally, his father’s voice broke the silence. “They’ll never find that faggot’s body.”
Every bit of air was pulled from his lungs. Most people might have assumed that his father was just being insensitive, but Shane knew that it was more than that.
They stopped at a red light, Shane still hesitant to take a breath as his gaze met his father’s in the rear view mirror. There was a look in the man’s eyes, something like pride, which to him said, this means exactly what you think it means.
The air flooded back into his lungs but he still couldn’t breathe. He rolled down his window for extra oxygen, beads of sweat forming on his brow.
His heart was racing.
His stomach was churning.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be.
Because if it was, it meant that his father was a murderer. If it was, it meant that Jake was dead. If it was, it meant that his father had killed Jake because of him.
13
Someone’s fist was pounding on his door.
Someone was calling his name.
“Go away!” he shouted at them, not wanting the ruckus to disturb the neighbors. The last thing he needed was the cops at his doorstep.
“Good to know you’re alive, kid.”
The voice belonged to Peter.
“Why don’t you answer your phone, Shane? I thought you were dead.”
“Wishful thinking.”
Knowing that if he didn’t allow the man inside it would make matters worse, he begrudgingly opened the door before returning to the couch.
Nausea was clouding his judgment as he pulled a blanket over his face.
“Kid, what the hell is this?”
The blanket was peeled back to reveal a sickeningly pale Shane. Peter reached out to touch him but then pulled back, as if he thought touching the frail young man would cause him to shatter.
“You’re in bad shape,” he spoke in a low voice. “You need to see a doctor.”
“I’m fine,” Shane stressed, though he most certainly was not.
“Come on, get up. We’re leaving right now.”
As soon as the man’s hand gripped his arm, Shane smacked it away. “Stay away from me!”
Peter furrowed his brow, apparently alarmed by the physical contact. “Why?”
“Because you shouldn’t be helping me.” He took a deep breath, tears escaping from his eyelids as he closed them. “Not when I didn’t help you.”
“What are you talking about, kid?”
“I know what happened to your son. It’s my fault...it’s all my fault.”
He paused, his expression changing from one of concern to one of shock. “You knew Jake?”
“Yeah, I did.” Shane
swallowed hard. “But I didn’t know that the kid I knew was your son until I went to your house.”
“That’s why you were acting so strangely.” Realization seemed to meet him like a tidal wave as his face twisted in anger. “Shane, what happened to my son?”
He immediately averted his gaze. “I-I can’t tell you.”
“Did you do something to him?”
“No, I didn’t-” He raised his hands defensively. “I wouldn’t-”
Shane was pulled to his feet, Peter roughly holding him up by the collar of his shirt. “Tell me what happened!”
With a whimper, he covered his face with his hands. Peter released Shane as tears soaked his palms and he slid to the floor. He rocked back and forth, each gasping breath quickening the beat of his heart. Shane curled into a ball in an attempt to lessen the shaking of his body, but it didn’t work.
Peter must have realized that he wasn’t going to get a straight answer out of Shane because he knelt beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“Let’s get you some help. And then you can tell me all about it.”
“Just leave me,” Shane cried. “No matter what I do, this will end badly.”
He shook his head. “I’m not going to go away. I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back. I won’t rest until I find out what happened to Jake.”
“I know.” Shane wiped his eyes. “You’re a good father. I wish you were mine.”
Tension hung in the air, almost as thick as the eerie silence. The only thing that broke them from it was Teddy’s soft whining.
“What the fuck is going on here, kid? I can’t figure you out.”
“Good. Now get out.” Making his way to the cowering dog, Shane wrapped his arms around him. “Leave us alone.”
Although his fists were clenched, Peter did so without another word.
He’d never seen the man so angry. It made him wonder what would happen if he told the truth. Nothing – and no one – was a match for Victor Gray. He had learned that the hard way, and he’d be damned if anyone else he cared about had to learn that lesson.
No one else could disappear on his watch.
The police would feign ignorance.
The public would be at a loss for knowledge.
Remember My Name Page 18