by Nora Blake
The sound of my regrets were so deafening I couldn’t stand it anymore. In my fit of rage, I started yanking the covers off the bed, throwing anything and everything I could get my hands on. He was taken from me, and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair and something had to pay for it, and right now it was everything in this room.
I felt arms close around me and pull me away from all the damage I was causing. “You’ll regret this tomorrow,” Nick whispered against my ear.
I fought against him, but he didn’t let go, he just let me hit him and scream and cry.
“Shhh,” he whispered over and over until I collapsed against him. He ran his hand gently down my hair trying to calm me down even more.
“I just want to die,” I admitted quietly against his chest. “I can’t let him do this alone. He needs me, Nick.”
He rubbed my back gently. “He wouldn’t want that, Sarah. He wouldn’t want you giving up your life because he lost his.”
I knew he was right. I knew I didn’t even mean what I said because that would hurt Aaron. He’d be so upset with me right now.
“I have to sleep. Will you go get me one of Aaron’s pain pills he got after the wreck?” If I didn’t take something I’d never rest.
“No, but I have something to help you sleep. The doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills. I left them in my room.”
I moved out of his hold and ran my hands through my hair as I looked at the mess I made. “I’m a fuckin’ mess.” I wiped my eyes and started cleaning up.
Nick left the room and came back before I had everything cleaned up. He handed me one of the pills and took one of his own. “I think we both could use some sleep.”
He handed me his glass of water and I took the pill. “Will you help me get the sheet back on?”
He nodded and started helping me. When it was on, we both climbed into the bed. Nick wrapped his arms around me and held me close. “I wish I could change all of this.”
“What happened, Nick? I know he was hit when the bead-lock malfunctioned, but how did it kill him? I don’t understand. Why didn’t he move out of the way before it hit him? Where were you?”
“I don’t know. I keep replaying it over and over in my head, but nothing adds up. He was working on getting the bead-lock set, I was going to grab bolts for him, and then I heard the loud pop. I turned around, and he was …”
“Nick, tell me. Tell me everything. I want to know. I need to know.”
“It’s a good thing you didn’t see his face. I know he tried to cover his face because his right hand was all messed up, but the whole left side of his jaw … I couldn’t explain it. In my head, he was still alive, just unconscious. I found out later he was dead instantly. The only reason the medics tried anything and brought him in was because one of the medics was a friend of his from high school and knew our mom was working the ER that night. He was determined to try everything to bring him back. Then they got him to the hospital and Mom—”
“Stop,” I pleaded. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to know anymore.”
“I wish I could forget. I just keep playing it over and over again.”
“I almost yelled at Melany earlier. I’m glad I didn’t. I was so close to saying I bet she was happy because she got what she wanted. Now she doesn’t have to share the boys at all. I’m not this person, Nick. I’d never say anything like that.” I turned my head to look at him. “I don’t know how to stop all these insane thoughts in my head. None of this feels real.”
“It will just take time. At least, that’s what everyone else keeps telling me. And that thought went through my mind as well. The only reason she showed up today was because the boys begged to see you.” He looked at me. “I just keep thinking about what Aaron would want me to do. That’s what’s getting me through the day right now.”
My eyes started getting heavier and heavier until I finally fell asleep.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Sarah
Three weeks.
It had been three terrible weeks without my Aaron.
Everything I did, I just did to get through each day. Every single hour felt like a hurdle I had to jump over. Nick was helping so much, though. The only time we were apart was when we were at work. After that, we clung together and didn’t let one another out of our sight.
Melany hadn’t let the kids come over at all, even though they begged. She said having them at the house would just make it harder for them. Nick got to have short visits with them at her and her boyfriend’s house, but never got to take them. I didn’t go over there because I was never invited. I could’ve pitched a fit, but I wasn’t emotionally able. One day, when I was stronger, I’d fight to see them. They didn’t need to see me all broken anyway.
I walked into the house, set my purse down, and smiled when I saw Nick sitting on the couch. I went and sat beside him and smiled when he laughed at whatever he was looking at on his phone.
“What’s so funny?”
He handed me his phone. Text messages from Aaron were up on his phone. “Just laughing at some things Aaron used to text me.”
“I screenshot all of our messages and emailed them to myself. I never want to lose them.”
“That’s a good idea. I need to do that.” He took his phone back from me and started pushing buttons. “What do you want for dinner tonight?”
“Would it be morbid if I asked if we could go eat with Aaron? Maybe grab some take out from Los Ranchitos and eat at the graveyard.”
He kissed the side of my head. “No, it sounds like a great idea. I’ll call in our usual order.” He stood and walked out of the room as he called the restaurant.
I looked at my phone when it dinged.
Kait: Hey! Just checking in on you.
Me: You checked on me five minutes ago.
Kait: Well, I’m worried. You never ask for anything and it worries me, Sarah.
Me: Because there’s nothing anyone can do. I appreciate everyone reaching out, especially you, but right now I just need to be alone. I can’t explain it. I feel like if I start doing too much normal stuff I’m going to forget everything I remember about him. I just need to sit in my sorrow, as terrible as that sounds.
Kait: I understand. Just please don’t shut me out. Talk to me if you need me, okay?
Me: I will. Thank you, Kait.
I stood when Nick came back into the room and grabbed his keys. After he put on his shoes, I followed him out to his truck. He was parked right next to Aaron’s truck, and I almost asked if we could take Aaron’s instead. Almost. It was a good idea until I thought about the middle seat and how it wouldn’t be the same, so I avoided mentioning it at all.
After he opened the door, I got in his truck and put on my seatbelt. I watched out the window as he drove, thinking about nothing at all. It felt good to just turn my brain off for a little bit.
After Nick got our food, we headed to the cemetery. I looked at him as he drove. He favored Aaron, mostly when he smiled.
“Do you think he’s watching us right now?” I loved having Nick to talk to because, lately, I never knew what was going to come out of my mouth, but he never hesitated to answer my questions or talk to me about weird shit. I think it was because he was thinking all the same things too. We understood each other.
“Of course I do. I think he’s here with us all the time.”
I smiled a little. “He’s probably pissed.”
“About?”
“That we’ve been so sad. He’d hate this.” I looked down at my hands and closed my eyes. I hated that I already forgot what it felt like for his hand to hold mine. It had only been three weeks, and I already couldn’t remember the feeling of our fingers tangled together. I only had memory of it happening. You don’t ever expect to forget those things, or just how much you’ll cherish the little moments until they’re gone and you can’t ever get them back.
“I think he’d understand, but I think he would be getting upset that we aren’t doing much besides b
eing upset.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I don’t know how to do anything else.”
“I know; I don’t seem to either. I guess we need to work on it.” He sighed.
He pulled into the cemetery and, after he parked, we headed over to where Aaron was buried. Last week they finally placed the headstone, and Nick and I surrounded it with roses and sunflowers because that was his mom’s favorite. We knew she’d appreciate it when she came to visit.
I laid out the blanket we brought, and after we sat down, Nick started getting all the food out. I took a drink of my Coke and looked at the headstone that made things feel so final. It was beautiful and represented Aaron well, but it made the realization that he was truly gone even stronger.
“Tell me something funny,” I said, looking at Nick. I missed Nick’s goofy self, but like me, with Aaron’s death he lost a part of him. I was afraid neither of us would ever be the same.
“I don’t know if I have anything funny to say.” He smiled a little at me. “I can tell you a funny story.”
I took a bite of my food. “Okay, tell me.” I smiled.
“Did I ever tell you about the time Aaron and I learned how to fly?”
“Like an airplane?”
He chuckled. “Nope. When we were younger we climbed over a fence to cut over to our house. We had done it tons of times, but this time there was a bull in the pasture we didn’t see. It started to chase us and the next thing either of us knew we were up a tree. I don’t know how we managed to get up that tree. We couldn’t even get down on our own. We had to wait for someone to come get us out. That’s how high up the limb was that we were sitting on.”
I laughed as I pictured them sitting there, wondering what the hell to do. “I’m surprised your parents don’t have more wrinkles.”
Nick’s famous goofy smile appeared. “Me too. We put them through hell, but I swear Aaron and I always had the time of our lives. Hanging out with him has always been my favorite thing to do.
I grinned. “Mine too. I feel so cheated, Nick. All those years we were apart after I moved … I want those back. I need more time with him.” I took another bite of my food and washed it down with a sip of my Coke. “I know I don’t need to focus on that, though. I know I need to be thankful for the time we had and how perfect it was. Right now, my biggest fear is forgetting the little things. I know I won’t forget the big things, but you know, the little things that you take for granted until it’s gone.”
“Wait right here.” He got up and ran to his truck. When he came back he had a package in his hand. “I meant to give this to you earlier.” When I opened it I saw a journal. “I thought you could write all those things down. That’s what I’m doing.”
A warm smile spread across my lips. “Great idea.”
Nick returned my smile, and I don’t know what it was about that moment, but a sense of security came over me. Like everything was going to be okay. I don’t think the hurt would ever go away because a life without Aaron would never feel right, but we’d be okay. We had to be. Aaron wouldn’t want anything less than the best for either of us, and not letting ourselves heal would’ve made him so upset.
I’d write in the journal, I’d keep up with all the things I loved about us, which was everything. I may not forever remember the way his hands felt holding mine, or the way his lips felt against mine, but I could remember how he made me feel like I was on top of the world. That anything was possible with him by my side. I’d never forget true happiness because that’s who he was.
I set the journal in my lap and looked at Nick. “I think I’m gonna move out of the house. I think you should go back to your place. Being there is too hard, and I don’t think either of us can truly be okay until we get out of there. We’ll take the things that mean the most to us, and pack up the rest.”
“You’re probably right.” He looked so sad. “What are we going to do with it?”
“I don’t know. I know Melany’s name is still on it, so, I’m sure we’ll have to talk to her. We don’t have to worry about that now. If you need to stay there longer, go for it. I just know I probably need to get out. That bed kills me every single night.”
“No, you’re right. I just don’t like the idea of not being in the same place as you.”
“How about I come stay with you until I find a place of my own? I don’t want to go back to my parents. I just need a place to myself.”
He nodded. “I like that idea.”
“No matter where we end up, you’re never gonna be alone. I’m always gonna be here for you.” I smiled. “And one day you’ll meet someone, and things will be happier for you.” Nick’s life revolved around spending time with Aaron and in the garage with him. I knew it was going to be hard for him to find something new to do with his time.
He nodded again. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”
I shrugged. “Me either, but we’ll figure it out. Right?”
“Yeah, we’ll figure it out. Together.” He put an arm around me. “Just don’t go anywhere, okay?”
“Now where would I go? This is home.” I laid my head on his shoulder. “You’re like a brother to me. We’re family.”
He laid his head over on mine. “Yeah, we are.”
I looked at the headstone again, then closed my eyes.
I love you, Aaron.
Always.
DEDICATION
"I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song, and this one's for you."
—Elton John
Aaron. Where do I start?! One of the things you taught me was to make sure and live a life worth remembering. Boy did you ever do that!
You left an amazing legacy behind. Your smile and sense of humor will always be remembered by the hundreds of people you met and impacted during your short time here. Myself included. There is a huge chunk missing that you once filled. I don't think you ever realized just how much you meant to every single person you knew.
I promised myself (and your boys) that I'd keep your memory alive and honor you in as many ways possible. Trust me when I say that you'll never be forgotten. I will always remember every detail, and I'll try my hardest to make sure they do too.
Of all the things you left me with, the love you gave me will be the one I never forget. You showed me what true love was supposed to be, and what love I deserved. While some find this horribly tragic that I lost the one thing that meant the most to me, and it is don’t get me wrong, but I'm choosing to see the one little sliver of good, (like you would want me to) and keeping my heart open for happiness. Yes, just like that God awful ball sack looking necklace. The slogan doesn't seem so lame now. The necklace still is though.
You taught me to love hard and be the emotional badass that I have always been and always will be. Even though I’m an emotional badass, you also somehow knew I’d need a huge support system, and most stemmed from meeting them through you. No names needed they know who they are. (Love y’all so hard!) For this, I’ll be forever thankful.
This story—our story—is for you. I miss you. I love you. Always. To the stars.
—Your Dirt Queen
"I hope you don't mind that I put down into words how wonderful life is while you're in the world."
—Elton John
Acknowledgements
This book is dedicated to Aaron and the larger-than-life man that he was. Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for trusting my words with your story.
-Nora