by Linsey Hall
“First chance we get, I’ll help you,” he said. “I have some tricks.”
“Thanks.”
At my side, Muffin meowed. I bet he has some tricks.
“Shhhh.” I kicked a little flurry of snow at him, and he batted it away with his paw, giving me an unimpressed look.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you earlier,” Lachlan said.
“Catching the cloaked figure is more important.”
“I’m not sure about that, but I did get the tracking potion up and running. Hopefully it’ll have some answers soon.”
From up ahead, the sound of voices filtered through the trees. The five of us stopped, frozen. I glanced at Lachlan, brows raised.
He tilted his head, clearly listening. But it was Muffin who spoke. The cat had better hearing. There are seven. All of them freaking out about something.
“Are they a threat?” I whispered.
Muffin scrunched up his face—which was already pretty wrinkled—in concentration.
Bojangles hurtled forward, loping through the trees toward the voices.
“Bojangles clearly doesn’t think so,” I whispered.
He likes everyone. Moron. Muffin shook his head, his earring glinting. But they are maybe not a threat.
“Let’s check it out.” I crept forward, keeping my steps silent on the snow. As we walked, the snow disappeared quickly.
The forest floor returned to normal, and the trees grew larger. They were more like healthy oaks now, rather than the twisted and stunted creepy things they had been. The voices came through much louder, and a clearing lay ahead.
I snuck behind a large tree and peered out, Lachlan at my side.
In the clearing, there were seven tiny men, all dressed in old-style clothes. They were wailing and arguing, pointing at something in the middle of the open space that I couldn’t see.
Dwarves?
As in, the seven dwarves?
Holy fates.
Bojangles streaked past, a little orange blur. He plowed through the men, heading for something.
“What the hell?” Lachlan whispered.
The dwarves flipped out.
“A cat!” cried one.
“Help us!” shouted another.
Help?
“Cat! You must help us!” yelled a dwarf wearing a funny bowler hat decorated with twigs.
Bojangles just meowed. I could imagine him, looking up at them with his goofy grin. Who would ask Bojangles to help them?
Fairy tale creatures, that’s who.
I’d always wanted a bunch of mice and birds to clean my house. What I’d gotten was some violent cats to kick demon ass at my side, so I figured it was a win.
But the dwarves sounded desperate.
“Let’s find out what they need.” I couldn’t just leave them. I crept out from behind the tree.
Lachlan followed.
We approached quietly. When I caught sight of the glass coffin, I couldn’t say I was surprised.
A beautiful dark-haired woman lay within. The glass top was open, revealing her clearly.
Snow White.
This was what Bojangles had been running toward. He sat on her still chest, peering down at her pale face.
“Hi,” I said.
The dwarves turned, their eyes widening at the sight of me.
“Help us!” cried one. His cheeks were red and round, and he looked like a cheerful Christmas elf. Except for the tears in his eyes. That wasn’t super cheerful.
“Something terrible has happened to her!” said another. “Surely, you can help!”
I looked at Lachlan, but it was Muffin who piped up. I’m not kissing her.
Bojangles meowed, then swiped his tongue across her lips. I winced, knowing where that mouth had been. Snow White didn’t sit up. No surprise.
“We’re not her true loves,” Lachlan said. “Isn’t that what wakes her?”
My mind raced, trying to remember the original version of the story. There were a few, but one had always stuck out in my mind. It had been my mother’s favorite, because it was downright hilariously weird.
The dwarves wrung their hands as they looked at me.
“She was poisoned by an apple, right?” I asked.
“We found one by her, yes!”
“Hmmm.” I looked at Lachlan. “There’s a ridiculous version of this tale where the prince shows up right about now—when she’s in the coffin and everything. He’s kind of a creeper and falls in love with her and begs the dwarves to let him take her body back to the castle.”
“Her dead body?”
I nodded, grimacing slightly. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Then what?”
“He carries her off, but partway home, he drops the coffin and she falls out. The shock makes her spit out the apple, and she wakes up. Then he tells her he loves her, and they’re going back to his place to get hitched and live with his mom.”
Lachlan rubbed his face. “Fates, that’s a bad story.”
“No kidding.” I started toward the coffin, determined to save Snow White from such a ridiculous fate.
Maybe she was meant to end up with the prince, but the least he could do was take her on a date and get to know her. While she was alive.
I stashed my sword in the ether and approached her. Up close, she looked pretty dead. Pale as snow—but that was her thing, right?
Bojangles had settled onto her chest and was purring.
“You like sitting on dead people?” I asked.
He shrugged, as if to say he liked sitting on anyone.
“All right, then, but you’d better move. I think Snow White has had a hard enough day and shouldn’t wake up with tuna breath in her face.”
He shot me a confused look, as if he couldn’t understand how anyone wouldn’t like tuna breath. But he leapt off her all the same, grumbling.
Bracing myself against the grossness of sticking my fingers into a dead person’s mouth, I pried open her jaw.
“Be careful!” cried one of the dwarves.
“Watch out!” shouted another.
They gathered around the coffin, staring at me with wide eyes as I stuck my finger into Snow White’s mouth. It was wet and cold. I gagged, but fished around for the chunk of apple. When my finger hit it, I grinned.
All the dwarves gasped, probably at my expression, their round faces lighting up.
I pulled the apple out of her mouth, and she gasped, sitting up and slapping me in the face.
“Crap!” I clutched my cheek and stumbled backward.
“How dare you!” Then her eyes widened. “Wait, who are you?”
“Um, Ana? I just saved your life.” I shrugged. “But I can see how slapping me would be a good instinct, seeing as how I had my hand in your mouth.”
Her eyes widened, and it was obvious that she was remembering everything that happened. “That miserable old witch!”
“Yeah, maybe don’t take candy from strangers?” I said.
“An apple is not candy.”
Clearly she did not get the reference, but that wasn’t my problem, and we needed to be getting a move on.
I looked from her to the dwarves. “We’re looking for a city in this realm where Torlock the Dark is hiding out.”
“Haven’t heard of Torlock.” The dwarf who spoke was clearly Sleepy. He looked like he was about to pass out at any moment. “But there is a city heading east. Avoid the tall green grass.”
“Thank you,” Lachlan said.
“Good luck, Snow White and dwarves,” I said. “Make smart choices.”
Snow White tilted her head. “Don’t take candy from strangers?”
“Exactly.”
We turned and headed back through the clearing. Bojangles gave Snow White a longing look over his shoulder, then followed.
We’d just reached the trees when the sound of hoofbeats echoed in front of us.
“Twenty bucks that’s Prince Charming,” I said.
“Aren’t you worried about ruinin
g her fate with the prince? She was supposed to marry him.”
“Trust me. No woman wants to wake up in a coffin, being carried through the forest by some strange dude.”
He nodded. “I see your point.”
A white stallion appeared between the trees, and a fair-haired man who looked like he should be vacationing in Nantucket and wearing boat shoes peered down at us.
“Who are you?” he demanded.
“None of your damned business, Prince Charming.” I wasn’t super fond of a dude who would barter with some grieving dwarves to get the dead body of a woman he had the hots for.
He drew his sword, his face scrunched up. “The impudence.”
I laughed.
Lachlan stepped forward, his gaze on the prince’s sword and his magic flaring. “I wouldn’t do that.”
The prince frowned, assessing Lachlan. “All right, wizard. I shall let you pass.”
“Good of you.” I smiled. “But how about a word of advice?”
“Advice?”
“Yep. You’re going to meet a pretty lady in the clearing. Why don’t you try asking her on a date? Take her to a coffee shop. Fairybucks, or whatever you call it here. Don’t just drag her back to your castle right away, all right?”
“Fairybucks?” He frowned.
“Trust me, pal. Date first, castle dragging later. And only if she says yes before the dragging.”
“All right.” He spoke slowly, as if I were a crazy person that he was trying to diffuse.
I took it as a victory, and walked past him.
Lachlan chuckled as he joined me. “I think you did Snow White a favor.”
“I hope so. Because Prince Charming is a weirdo.”
We hiked quickly through the forest, continuing to head east. The air warmed as we moved farther from the snowy realm of bloody ice men.
“If we just went through the realm of Snow White, how did the bloody ice men factor into that tale?” he asked.
I searched my memory for the version that my mother had told me. “Snow White’s mom was sitting by her window, before she had Snow White. A drop of blood fell to the snow, and somehow that made the queen want a baby.”
“Which became Snow White.”
“Yep. Fairy tales are weird, man.”
“That they are.”
We kept hiking, following Bojangles as he darted through the trees, bouncing off the trunks, his orange fur glinting in the low light of the sun that inched ever closer to the horizon.
The trees became stranger as we walked. First, the bark smoothed out. Then the trunks became purple. Finally, the limbs became smooth and tapered, like octopus tentacles.
“This can’t be good,” I said.
As soon as I spoke, a loud vibrating noise filled the air. I glanced around, and the cats did the same. Muffin raced up a tree, perched on a tentacle-like branch. It began to whip around, but he dug in with his claws, crouching low over the limb as he inspected the sky.
Bugs coming.
“What do you mean, bugs?” I asked him.
I drew my sword from the ether, studying the space around us.
A dozen massive insects appeared through the trees. Flying cockroaches and bees and butterflies—they were all brilliantly colored and glittered with magic.
I feel like I’m on a trip! Muffin meowed. Haven’t felt like this since my kittenhood when I tried those magic mushrooms.
Bojangles meowed.
Don’t experiment, kids.
I laughed as I studied the giant bugs. Despite their wild and friendly coloring, these things were not going to be friendly, that was for danged sure.
An enormous bee was headed straight for me, ready to strike. Its stinger pointed my way, big enough to skewer me.
The magic that filled the air made me feel stoned. I’d never tried drugs—though apparently my cat had—but this had to be how it felt.
I lunged for the big pink and blue bee, pointing my sword right at it. “You’re going to have to impale yourself, buddy!”
He eyed the blade and darted around, clearly trying to attack from behind. I circled, keeping an eye on his approach. Lachlan’s magic filled the air, the scent of pine and the sound of rolling thunder. Something was coming.
But in the few seconds it took him to conjure his magic, we had about twenty giant insects headed right at us.
It was like staring down the barrel of a psychedelic gun.
Muffin leapt from his tree branch, landing on the back of a brown moth with massive fangs. He yowled as he attacked the insect’s neck, and the moth whirled on the air, losing control.
Princess Snowflake III and Bojangles teamed up. The little orange cat crouched low, while Princess Snowflake III raced toward him and leapt onto his back. Bojangles heaved upward, throwing Snowflake into the sky. It was a weird choice, since she was the bigger cat, but she flew gracefully toward a giant wasp, her fangs aiming for the insect’s throat. She grabbed on, wrapping her claws around him.
On the ground, Bojangles raced up a tree, clearly intending to get his own piece of the action.
The pink and blue bee lunged for me, so fast that it was nearly a blur. I stabbed at its stomach, making impact as it tried to pierce me with its stinger. I was too slow, and the pointed bit got me in the arm. Pain flared. Stuck on my sword, the bee thrashed, then exploded in a burst of purple glitter.
To the left, Lachlan had his hands raised, magic glowing brightly around him. His silver and black aura was bright as a giant dragonfly swooped down toward him. The bright red and yellow creature shot a blast of green slime from its hind end. Lachlan dodged, barely avoiding the hit, which slammed into a tree trunk. The trunk sizzled, the acid eating away at the smooth purple bark.
Lachlan scrambled to his feet, raising his hands once more. Magic blasted from him, and wind kicked up, sweeping through the forest. It made the purple tree limbs wave wildly as the wind bowled over the insects. They tumbled through the air, then slammed into branches and hit the ground. The wind was so strong that it uprooted several trees, sending them crashing through the forest.
I dived, lunging out of the way as a tree hurtled my way. Muffin leapt off the back of the moth, landing in a run. He sprinted away from the body of a giant blue hornet that rolled across the ground.
I scrambled to my feet, the wind whipping at my hair. The gusts were strongest higher in the air, but it was still pretty fierce near the ground.
Lachlan lowered his hands, and the wind died. The strong signature of his magic fizzled from the air. All around, the insects lay amongst scattered trees. They rolled on their backs, trying to right themselves, but they weren’t a threat at the moment.
I sagged, my muscles weak. “Whoa.”
“I don’t use that often.”
“I can see why.” We’d only survived because the worst gusts were higher in the air. They’d torn out trees, for fate’s sake.
“Let’s go before these things manage to get up.”
“I second that.” I hurried through the forest at his side, the Cats of Catastrophe racing to join us.
Muffin meowed. I wouldn’t turn down a second go at that!
“You are nuts.”
The other cats meowed as if they agreed.
Crazies.
We jogged through the forest full of purple trees, determined to outrun the insects. When we came upon a field of green grass, I stumbled to a halt. The grass blades rose twenty feet in the air, forming a nearly impenetrable wall.
“This is what the dwarves told us to avoid,” Lachlan said.
I looked left and right, spotting grass as far as the eye could see. Both directions looked identical.
“Fates.” Which way will let us continue east most quickly? I asked the strange new power that sometimes gave me answers.
Left.
Hey, victory!
“Let’s try left,” I said.
It took us nearly an hour to skirt around the green grass. By the time we did, the sun had almost set.
About ten minutes later, giant flowers appeared. They speared toward the sky, each blossom the size of a small house. Massive blooms of red and orange and purple made me feel like an ant.
“We have to be in Alice’s Wonderland,” I said.
“You know your fairy tales.”
“My mother liked them.” And so I liked them. Had she lived, maybe I wouldn’t have. But now, they were pretty much all I had of her.
“The dwarves didn’t say anything about flowers, and we’re running out of daylight.”
“Let’s cut through.”
Bojangles had already started, leading us between the stalks that were as wide as we were. About twenty yards in, the back of my neck prickled. On instinct, I looked upward.
An enormous pansy was reaching down toward me, bent over at the stalk with its bloom right over my head. Before I could gasp, the petals had wrapped around the top half of my body and picked me up, hauling me into the air. The blood rushed to my head as my stomach lurched.
6
Other blooms picked up Lachlan and the Cats of Catastrophe, their petals acting like strange limbs. When the flower holding me straightened its stem, I was over twenty feet in the air, sitting right in the middle of the blossom. The breeze blew my hair back from my face as I gazed out over a field of enormous flowers.
We were definitely in Wonderland.
A tulip straightened, and Lachlan’s head appeared at the edge. The Cats of Catastrophe each sat on a giant daisy, looking super pissed. I opened my mouth to shout at Lachlan, but the flower heaved me up in the air.
I flew, tumbling through the sky, as a scream tore from my throat. A pink rose caught me, and I flopped down into its huge petals. They were smooth as silk and smelled like heaven, but a moment later, I was flying through the air again.
I passed Lachlan, then Muffin. Princess Snowflake III was hissing up a storm, while Bojangles meowed with joy. It was alternately terrifying and amazing.
Then the flowers threw us faster and faster, and the landings became harder and harder. No matter how soft the flower petal, if you hit it while falling from forty feet, it hurt like hell.
“Freeze time!” I shouted at Lachlan.
“I’m try—”
His voice cut off. Panic surged through me, and I whipped around, finding him falling limply through the air. A giant sparrow fluttered near him, a mallet clutched in its claw.