I have a plastik eye. It does not moov. It’s not the 4-ever one. I get that laytr. I have nightmares. I’m scared of the dark. I’m afraid of every thing I cant see. I need you to make me brave again. Where are you?
xo Danny
Dear Dad,
I’m sending you a coyne for the tolboth. I will meet u in the Lands Beyond. I am sorry. I miss you. I’m sorry.
xo Danny
Dear Dad,
Today I picked the color of my new eye. I choze the same blue as your eyes. It will move like my other eye. That will make me look betr. Almost like b-4. I know what happened was my fault. Mom says it’s yours. Don’t believe her. U R THE BEST!!! Mom is angry all the time. I think she hates me. Please come home so I can be your best buddy again...
xo Danny
The letters slide from my hands, a stack of apologies, pleas, missed opportunities, lost love. My heart hurts like someone stomped on it. My dad never read what I was going through. He didn’t know how much I missed him or how sorry I was for what happened.
I don’t understand.
All the things my mom ever said about Cougar rattle around my brain. Selfish. Childish. Careless. Cruel. Impulsive. Egomaniac. Narcissist. She hates him. That much? “Yes. That much.”
I dig through three more boxes until I find my passport. With shaking fingers I put it in the pocket of my jeans, leave the light on and climb down the ladder.
7
Heart hammering, I dump the unsent letters on the kitchen table. My mom takes a long time to look up. That’s when I drop the ceramic coin on her notes. It spins, then settles, making a soft whisper like the sound of a page being turned.
Commander Sam pulls out her earbuds. “I can explain.”
There’s a part of me that hopes she can. I want to believe that my mom wouldn’t do this to me, couldn’t. “Try.”
She squares her shoulders, like a fighter about to throw the first punch. “He left, Danielle.”
Disappointment tastes like acid. I swallow and it’s gravel going down my throat. “Don’t call me that. I wrote at least fifty letters. I thought Dad didn’t want me after what happened. He probably thought I blamed him, too—”
“You should have.”
The dam holding back my fury bursts open. “It was my fault! He told me to stay in the tent. I followed you guys into the woods, hid. You called him a selfish bastard. He called you a jealous bitch, an anchor, not a propeller. I remember every word! Especially the part where you said he’d ruined your life, but what you really meant was that having me ruined it.”
My mom’s eyes get that shine that comes before tears. I’ve never seen her cry. Ever. “You don’t need to pretend. Not anymore.”
Her face flushes. “Danielle... Danny, I was struggling to take care of you, do my job, pay the bills. At times it was suffocating. Your dad married me when I got pregnant, but in reality? I was always a single mom. Cougar was only home a few months total a year. He barely contributed to our household. Every dollar went back into his damn TV show. It was all about building the brand, getting picked up by a network, then a bigger network. He was never satisfied.”
“He had a dream.”
My mom slams her fists on the table. “So did I! You can’t possibly understand.”
“I can’t understand?” I want to hit something, too, but my arms remain stiff with outrage. “Maybe my big dream was to have a dad.”
“You do. Just not one who cared enough to stick around.”
Her words twist the knife embedded in my back. “Why’d you even keep the letters?”
She throws her hands in the air. “I forgot they were there.”
“You forgot?”
“Danny, I was beyond exhausted. After the accident you barely slept. When you did, you had horrific nightmares. It stayed that way for over a year. I had to emotionally support you plus work overtime to pay for the surgeries and prosthetic—”
“You could’ve asked Cougar for help.”
My mom snaps, “He was too self-involved to visit. I wasn’t going to take his money so he could clear his conscience.”
The knife plunges deeper. “So to punish him you never sent my letters? And you resented me even though you wouldn’t take his money.”
“I was there before, during and after the surgery. I’m the one who got up every night you screamed in your sleep—the parent who held you, read to you, taught you how to adapt to a new normal and get over panic attacks. Cougar didn’t deserve those letters!”
The truth is like being submerged in ice water. I’ve never known my mom. I’m seeing who she really is for the very first time—an angry, controlling ex-wife who’d use her kid to hurt her ex. “What about me? Didn’t I deserve the chance to have a relationship with him?”
“Do you know the definition of a narcissist?” She doesn’t wait for my answer. “It’s a person with excessive interest or admiration of themselves and the psychological need for power. You were better off without Cougar in your life.”
I back away from her. “I’m going to Peru with my father.”
My mom’s hands grip the edge of the table. “You’re a minor and I have primary physical custody.”
WWCD? “If you want to have any type of relationship with me after I turn eighteen, you won’t try to stop me.”
We stare at each other until there’s a shift in my mom’s body, like she was a snake ready to strike but now uncoils. “I was protecting you.”
“Thanks for that.”
“He’s reckless. Dangerous. At best, he’ll only disappoint you.”
“At least I’ll give him that chance.”
8
“Danielle!” my dad shouts as I come down the escalator at LAX. He’s standing at the bottom, dressed in jeans, a loose denim shirt and worn cowboy boots. His sunglasses reflect the clicking cameras of a handful of paparazzi. When he waves to me, they swing around. The flashes momentarily blind me. I pause until the spots clear from my vision before descending the moving steps. Tripping would be a catastrophic way to start what I hope is the beginning of a new father-daughter relationship. Especially when I’ve spent the past few days and the entire flight reading about the Amazon rain forest to impress my dad.
People stare as the escalator descends. They’re trying to connect the dots, taking quick shots of Cougar with their phones and a few of me, just in case I’m someone important they don’t recognize. The idea of me being anyone special almost makes me laugh.
My dad wraps me in a bear hug. “I’ve missed you so much, buddy.”
Buddy. The sweet nickname he used to call me makes my heart swell. He smells the way I remembered. Like fresh soap, the outdoors, wind. I haven’t seen him in person for over two years, but when I pull back from the hug he looks the same—tall, muscular, tanned skin. He rests sunglasses in wavy, light brown hair. The new lines around his blue eyes make him even more handsome.
“If it’s okay, I go by Danny now.”
Cougar nods, like he understands I’m trying to build a bridge closer to the old us. “This is my daughter,” he tells the photographers. “Danny, this is Cass, my personal assistant.” He nods at the dark-haired woman to his right, who’s balancing a handheld video camera that obscures her face. “I couldn’t survive without her.”
Cass says, “Hey, Danny,” without taking her eye from the viewfinder. “How’s it feel to be here?”
“Um. Great.”
“Don’t mind the camera. I’m making a behind-the-scenes video diary for this episode that the director may use.”
“Sure. Okay.”
Cass asks, “Excited about the trip?”
“My kid is coming to Peru to shoot my little show,” Cougar tells the paparazzi. “It’s an episode with Gus Price. She’s got a huge crush on the guy. Who doesn’t? So this trip is her sixteenth birthday present.”<
br />
A huge crush? My face goes up in flames. Cougar tugs at my braid, which I redid four times before I got off the plane. I probably should tell him that it’ll be my seventeenth birthday, but it doesn’t really matter.
The paparazzi shout their questions...
“When did Gus commit to the show?”
“He’s been trying to get on for some time,” Cougar says with a shrug. “But I couldn’t say no to Vonyay. He’s the hottest singer on the planet, or Ella, right? How many guys get to jump off a cliff with a scared supermodel?”
“Where will the episode be filmed?”
My dad rubs his hands together like an excited kid. “Peru. Deep in the Amazon rain forest. Place doesn’t even have a name it’s so remote. Lots of things can kill you there—poisonous vipers, big cats, gnarly spiders, boa constrictors. If we’re lucky we’ll see them all.”
Every hair on my body stands up, like they’re trying to get my attention, wave me toward the nearest exit. I smile, my lips sticking to my front teeth so that I look more beaver than girl.
The last reporter, a paunch hanging over his ripped jeans, asks, “Are you dating Carmen Fox? Rumor is you’re having twins.”
Cougar chuckles. “Sadly, neither the lady nor twins are in my immediate future. But I’d sure like to try.” The paparazzi all laugh. “That’s all for now, boys and girls. I want to spend some quality time with my daughter.”
My dad squeezes my shoulder. I hide a wince. My arm still hurts from the yellow fever, tetanus, hepatitis A and B, and typhoid fever shots. I’m sure Commander Sam made them hurt more than necessary to punish me for going to Peru. My stomach gurgles. It definitely doesn’t like the malaria pills I swore to take every day. Cass grabs my bag from the carousel. We rush into the perpetual sunshine of LA and the waiting black Escalade.
“Are we going to your house in Venice Beach?” I ask Cougar as the Escalade pulls away from the curb. I’ve never seen it except for photos in Architectural Digest.
“Nope, we’re going to a hotel in Beverly Hills called K’s. Our flight takes off late tonight so K’s will be our base until then.”
I hide my disappointment. Hopefully, after this trip, there will be plenty of time to hang at my dad’s house. Maybe he’ll even let me stay with him, finish high school in California. I have no reason to return to Portland.
When we reach the hotel there are more paparazzi waiting. How these guys know my dad’s every move is beyond me. The camera flashes are blinding, but thankfully the reporters don’t follow us into the lobby. The hotel is gorgeous, marble floors, leather chairs and floor-to-ceiling bookcases. There’s even a piano. It looks like a super wealthy family’s library, but with chandeliers. Several people in the lobby are trying to watch my dad without looking like they care. Even the staff is drawn to him, like moths to a bright light. Maybe they feel like I do, like if they look away, he’ll vanish.
“Thanks again,” I say. “This means a lot.”
Cougar says, “To me, too.”
I hear a flash go off but it’s on my blind side so it doesn’t affect me.
“New glasses?”
I push the heavy rectangular frames up the bridge of my nose. “Mom picked them out.”
“They hide your gorgeous eyes.”
My heart seems to smile. I joke, “Safety first.” But the truth is that I have only one eye left. It has twenty-twenty vision, but it’s still beyond important to protect it. Just the idea that something could happen, that I could end up blind, makes me nauseated.
We had a blind substitute social studies teacher in seventh grade. Mrs. Ballard. A few of the guys silently moved their desks so that when she walked through the rows, she hit dead ends. My face burned as she struggled to figure out what had happened, but I didn’t speak up. Self-loathing won over doing the right thing. The idea that I could become that helpless, ridiculed for a condition I wouldn’t be able to change, and that people could make the world even more terrifying than spending every day in the dark, still fills me with dread.
“I doubt there’s much danger in the lobby of K’s,” Cougar says.
My dad is right. I’m in the lobby of a five-star hotel. I tamp down my fears, slide my glasses off and stuff them into a pocket. What does he see? Hair two shades darker than my mom’s, skin pale from Oregon’s rainy winter, no muscles. But I hope he also notices that the blue of my left eye is identical to his own.
Cass picks up a key card at the front desk, hands it to me. Without the camera hiding her face, I can now see she’s gorgeous. Asian heritage, with flawless skin, long black hair and a perfect smile.
“Why don’t you freshen up, then meet us in Cougar’s room for your preinterview?” Cass says. “Room 837. It’s supposed to have a balcony and great view. Feel free to raid the mini-bar. When you’re ready we’re in 861.”
“Preinterview?”
Cougar winks. “All part of the birthday fun.”
I ride the elevator alone, then follow an arrow to my room. It’s beautiful—wood floors, cream-colored carpets and white furniture with silver pulls. The queen-size bed is covered in linens so crisp that they must’ve been ironed. I open the French doors but don’t step onto the small balcony. Clear blue sky above, the city stretched out below. I make myself a promise: I will get to know my father on this trip and become the person I was meant to be.
I shrug on a white T-shirt, the slightly ripped jeans with embroidered flowers down one side that Trix made me buy at a vintage shop last September and sneakers. After brushing my hair until all the snarls are out, I put it in two loose braids.
Quickly, I text my mom: In LA. Dad met my flight. Leaving early morning. It’s short, to the point and more than she deserves.
My pulse trips over itself as I walk down the hall to my dad’s room. I shouldn’t be nervous to spend time with him, but I’ve seen him only a dozen or so times in the past eight years. We’re strangers who share DNA and a sprinkling of phone calls. But we used to have everything in common. We can again.
Cass answers the door on the third knock and waves me in. This suite makes mine look like a shoebox. The living room has a giant built-in TV, modern leather chairs and an L-shaped couch. There are massive black-and-white prints of beach scenes, the models in retro-style bathing suits. The entire far wall of the suite is made of sliding windows that open onto a long deck.
“Danny! I’ll be with you in a few minutes,” Cougar says from his seat at an antique desk. There are notes in front of him, a Bluetooth mic in one ear. He laughs at something the person on the other line says. “No, you’re the sexy tiger. Yes, you are...”
I wander into the next room. A massive wooden headboard frames a king-size bed that’s across from a window with an expansive view of LA. The leather furniture in here is a deep brown, and a plush red-and-blue Persian-style runner leads to an enormous bathroom with gray marble double sinks and a shower that looks like a car wash. This is the bathroom of Trix’s dreams. She’s always complaining about cold showers because of all her siblings. I’d text her photos, but the phone call we had when I told her what Commander Sam had done rings in my ears.
That totally sucks, Danny. But imagine what your life would’ve been like if you’d ended up spending half your time with Cougar. You have zero in common.
You’re missing the point. My mom pretended to send my letters. She lied about it for almost ten years! She let me think, let my dad think, that neither one of us cared.
Stop yelling, okay? Regardless of what your mom did, and it was definitely shitty, your dad should’ve been there for you. You weren’t a priority. It’s the same thing with my birth dad.
I’m going to Peru.
What? Bad idea! You don’t belong in the rain forest. Come on, you’d look like a fool.
Thanks for your support. Do you want to tell me how uncoordinated I am next? That I’ll never be a model? Maybe
call me Pigeon?
I’m trying to protect you. Look, I understand why you want to go. Really, I do. But the ugly fact is that none of our bio parents ever really wanted us. Look at the bright side. At least we’re in this together.
I stare into the hotel mirror, and my reflection grimaces back. Our fight grew worse...
We’re not the same. My birth mom kept me and my biological dad wants a relationship with me.
Danny, you’re freaking delusional. Let it go and move on. It’s okay to be you.
Really? Then why search for your birth parents when you have an amazing family? Why change how you act and dress every year? Why pierce holes in your face, dye your hair and have sex with people you don’t give a shit about who just want to use you?
Now who’s being a crappy friend?
So why be my friend at all? Oh yeah, because you’re miserable about your bio parents and I am, too. Except now I have a chance to have a relationship with my dad, to have everything I’ve ever wanted, which you already have with your adoptive father, and you want to steal it from me.
Take it back.
Which part?
All of it.
No.
“We’re not the same,” I tell my reflection in the mirror. “Cougar would’ve been there if he’d known that I didn’t blame him, that I loved and needed him.”
“Danny,” Cass says, appearing in the mirror behind me, the video camera at her side. “You ready?”
My face goes blotchy red. Did she hear me? “For what, exactly?”
Cass gives me a funny look. “Kiddo, your dad wants you in this episode, too.”
“Like helping you?”
“No. In front of the camera.”
I shiver, suddenly ice-cold. “What?”
Cass smiles. “You heard me. Incredible, right?”
“That’s not... I’m not... I don’t think that’s a good idea.” What I don’t say is that this is my chance to prove to my dad that I can be the kid he used to love. That won’t happen if I’m forced to do things that accentuate my flaws.
The Speed of Falling Objects Page 4