“No, I was waiting on you and Janey arriving, but I can help you prepare if you like?”
“No need, you sit still, you are my guest, and you are still recuperating.”
I try to put his mind at ease; “Yes but I’m already feeling much better thanks.”
“That’s as may be, but you took quite a knock and it’s best to keep your strength up for the day ahead.”
“About that, George—” My intention was to quiz him on where we were going but I was interrupted by the doorbell.
“Thomas, please can you get that if you don’t mind. No doubt that’s Janey. I’ll just get the breakfast started, thanks.”
I make my way towards the front door and am pleasantly surprised at how I am able to walk with minimal effort or pain. Everything was healing up nicely already. I open the door and find Janey standing there looking radiant. Every so often I look at her and catch myself. What a lucky guy I am, she is truly beautiful. She senses something is up, and I have been caught staring.
“Are you OK, Thomas?”
“Of course I am, I was just taking you in.”
“I can see that! I hope you like what you see.”
“Naturally! You are a fine-looking woman, Janey Taylor. Come here.” I embrace her, and we kiss on the doorstep. I feel layers of anxiety which had been building up start to melt away.
“Can I come in?”
“Of course; of course, sorry! Clearly I was preoccupied.”
We head back to the kitchen and Janey strategically places herself at the table looking directly out over the bay. “Wow George, that view is quite something. I don’t think I’d ever tire of it.”
“Thank you, Janey, and no, I never do.”
“Thank you very much for having me over, that was kind of you.”
“Not at all, you are Thomas’s wife, you are welcome here anytime. In fact, if you like, why don’t you stay here? It makes no sense you going back and forth all the time to that apartment.” That was a surprise and we both turn to her to gauge her reaction.
“I couldn’t possibly impose. It was very kind of you to ask but I wouldn’t like to put you out and the apartment I am staying in is lovely so it’s no problem. It has beautiful views too; not as spectacular as these views but lovely none the less.”
“It’s no imposition whatsoever and it’d make life easier for you both. Have a think about it at least.”
“OK thanks.”
“That was very generous of him,” Juliet whispers in my ear.
“I know, it really was.” As I respond to Juliet, I notice Janey shifting uncomfortably in her seat and a strange look has come over her. “Is everything OK, sweetheart?”
“Yes, of course,” comes a fairly abrupt and clipped retort. What has got into her? Maybe she doesn’t like getting put on the spot, but, like Juliet said, it was nice of him to offer.
We are all distracted with the smell of food. George is serving up a delicious, cooked breakfast and my mouth is salivating. There is very little chat as we all tuck in. Then, Juliet once again whispers quietly into my ear, “I sense tension.”
“Nonsense,” I reply, meaning to gently whisper this back but it came out a lot louder than I’d intended and rather than look at me, George and Janey share a look. It’s a knowing look and I find it disturbing. Maybe I am being paranoid? They don’t even know each other. Why would they be ‘sharing a look?’ Clearly my mind is playing tricks on me which is not surprising given the stress I have been under.
It has to be said though, it does feel wonderful to have the support of both Janey and Juliet. I have worried endlessly about bringing Janey into this; frightened about the prospect that her feelings towards me might change when confronted with the demons of my past. But now there is another part of me countering this voice … remember those vows ‘for better or for worse.’ You can only run away from your past for so long. Inevitably it always has a way of catching up with you and at least when I face it, it won’t be alone (hopefully). Juliet, I have no concerns about. She knows all about my past, she was there. Perhaps it’s having her here now which is giving me the strength to stand strong and to include Janey.
It has also been playing on my mind to go and see mother. I will need to have a chat with Juliet about her. That, however, will have to wait as we are all apprehensively waiting on George announcing our plans for the day. He has taken the longest time to finish his breakfast, clearly in no rush at all and I find myself champing at the bit. Is he toying with us? He realises my eyes have been boring a hole into his skull as he looks up and gives me a smile which looks more like a smirk. Am I being sensitive or is he playing games with me? No, I really am being oversensitive I decide. It is just the uncertainty of what lies ahead in the next few days.
He finishes up and addresses me. “Well Thomas, I bet you are anxious to know where we are going today? Am I right?”
I can’t help myself. “Of course I’m anxious but it’s why I’m here in the first place, so let’s get on with it!”
“Very eager, Thomas, very eager, well done, lad.” No, I am not being oversensitive, that last phrase was definitely condescending. How many years have passed since I was last addressed as ‘lad’? I show restraint and refrain from rising to it so he has no option but to press on. “All in good time, Thomas. Now, let’s clear up here then we can head out to the car and all as they say shall be revealed.”
“I will be right with you, George; I just need a quick word with Janey first.”
“No problem, take your time. I’ll sort this lot out and we can leave when we are all good and ready.” There is something else which has been weighing heavily on my mind, something I need to speak to Janey about.
We head to the guestroom I have been staying in so there is complete privacy. I motion to Janey to sit beside me on the bed, and she tentatively takes a seat. “Thomas, what is this about? You have got me worried.”
I take both of her hands in mine and lock eyes with her. “There is no easy way to say this. I haven’t been able to talk about it before with you, or anyone else for that matter.” I watch my wife mentally brace herself. “It feels like the right time to tell you about it now. Being here in Skye, it’s forcing me to face things I have quashed for many years.”
I take a few deep breaths then press on. “I know I haven’t been very transparent and open about everything that happened years ago, and I hope you can understand why – it was just too painful to talk about.” She gives me a reassuring nod. “You know relations broke down with my father as there was an incident years ago which culminated in me ending up in hospital then ultimately being placed in foster care?” Again, that reassuring nod comes but slower this time, an indication that she agrees with what I’ve said but is wary about what is coming next. “Well, it wasn’t just me he hurt that day. He killed my sister Caroline.”
There, I’ve done it. It’s out there and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The only other person in the world I have discussed that with is George. Many times I had considered speaking to Janey about it but either I was unable to form the words or I was worried about the consequences of opening the proverbial Pandora’s Box.
I look at Janey to gauge her reaction as she hasn’t said anything. She appears to be in shock. I am so close to probing her to find out what she thinks but she beats me to it. “Thomas, I can’t believe it! You have lived with that knowledge all your life, keeping it all bottled up? You should have spoken to me; I would’ve tried to help you! You poor thing! That must’ve been so traumatic for you.” She is off her seat now and cradling me in her arms. The pain which, as she so correctly pointed out, had been bottled up over the years rises to the surface and I weep like a child in her arms.
It was the right time to tell her. I haven’t got a clue what George has planned for me, but it was only right Janey wasn’t left in the dark. She had to know about what really happened that day. Since she is accompanying me on the journey, I know I have to be upfront
and honest with her.
Eventually the sobbing starts to subside, but Janey maintains a tight embrace and it feels so good just being held. I raise my head and whisper a thank you. “Don’t thank me, Thomas. I am your wife, and I am here for you no matter what. We are going to get through this, believe me, and do you know how I know that? Because we are going to do it together.”
I manage a fleeting smile. She wipes the remnants of any tears from my cheeks and stands up, holding out her hands to help me to my feet. I dutifully oblige. “Ready?” she asks.
“Let’s go,” I hear myself say. The voice was meant to portray conviction but behind it the reality was that I was shaking like a leaf. I notice Janey didn’t ask any questions about how father killed Caroline. Perhaps she was wary of pressing me for more information, knowing full well what it took for me to tell her about it in the first place. My rational mind takes over … no point in over-analysing it, the main thing is she now knows what happened that day. No more secrets. As she said, we’re going to get through this – together.
We leave the guestroom and join George. Why can’t I shake the feeling that we are like two spring lambs getting led to the slaughter …?
CHAPTER 15
February 12th 1998
I
t was no ordinary day. We had patiently waited and planned for this day. As promised, we were going ahead with Caroline’s plan since mine had failed in spectacular fashion. However, her plan was also extremely risky so I prayed that we could pull it off.
We didn’t have a lot of space in the barn for the livestock, so the majority of our stock were out in all weathers. The Highland cows had the advantage over the other animals because they were able to use their horns to dig through the snow to get to the grass underneath. Still, it was laborious for them and, without a helping hand, most of the other animals wouldn’t make it through the long winter. This is where the snowblower comes in.
It was a lifeline. It was able to quickly clear the lane up to the croft and a pathway to the fields and onto the feed bunks. In years gone by, during heavy snowfall, we were literally cut off from civilisation for days or sometimes weeks at a time with the lane being completely backed up and blocked with snow. (The winters up here can be long, harsh, and unforgiving). This made it very difficult for us to get any supplies in or any deliveries of animal feed etc. But, no more!
It was an expensive purchase last year. I can remember listening to the debacle between my parents as to whether it was a good investment or not. It had paid off. The animals all remained in a good shape throughout the winter months, and we only had a couple of casualties who didn’t make it through to the spring.
At the start of this winter, father set about teaching me how to use it. “You’re old enough now so I might as well make use of you,” so he politely informed me. I did not relish spending time with him whilst he went over the instructions, but it wasn’t too hard to operate and actually quite good fun. There was also a real sense of satisfaction at the end when you had cleared a large area. The downside was if there were frequent dumpings of heavy snow you were right back to it.
Father had indicated mid-week that he wanted me out on the snowblower at the weekend (since we were already covered in a thick blanket), so this is when we seized the opportunity to put our plan into action.
There are two things you have to be really wary of when it comes to snowblowers. Firstly, injuries to the hands are very common when unclogging snow from the discharge chute. This often can involve amputations as the blades easily slice through fingers. This can happen even after the engine is switched off as the blade can still move. Secondly, you must be wary of rocks and sticks being caught up in the blower and shooting out from the chute in a direction which could injure someone when projected.
Caroline was in her element. We had talked at great length about how we were going to execute our plan.
“OK,” she says, voice animated with excitement, “let’s run through it one more time.” Early Saturday morning we had a final chat, with Caroline taking the lead. “Are you quite happy you know what you are doing, Thomas? We want to make sure we clear the pathways effectively but some strategically placed rocks and large sticks as you near the end of the clear up job will have the desired effect. The chute will be clogged up with the snow and debris and we will have to shout on father to help unblock it.”
“Got it,” I say, interrupting her mid-flow.
“OK good. Now, you repeat back to me the full plan, start to finish.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes as we’ve already been through it so many times, so I give her the edited highlights.
“Like you say, I clear the majority away then hoover up some large rocks and sticks at the end of the lane which will cause the chute to become blocked. I then call on father to unclog it and as he reaches his hand inside the chute, I fire the blower back up. He either gets a finger or two sliced off or he gets a nasty smack in the face when the debris ejects. Afterwards, I say it was a complete accident, my hand slipped.”
“Very good! Do you feel OK about going through with it?” That was a good question. Do I? If you had asked me that question when he was dishing out one of his punishments, I’d have had no hesitation. But to intentionally cause injury to him when at the time I am not being threatened myself, I don’t know where I sit with that. Not wanting to show any sign of wavering whatsoever, I remain strong and steadfast.
“It’s not a problem, I’ll be able to see it through.”
“Excellent, then let’s do this!”
James has said very little throughout our recent discussions, so I am not wholly convinced he is completely on board. Perhaps his nose is out of joint because we haven’t used any of his suggestions. Although, at the same time, he hasn’t gone against the plan. We stuck with the decision of not involving Juliet which we all agreed was for the best.
Normally I would have a large hearty breakfast before heading out on the snowblower but this morning I settled for a single slice of toast, unsure I’d be able to keep anything else down. I had butterflies in my stomach and my heart rate had sped up dramatically. I could literally feel the pounding of my heartbeat in my chest and hear it reverberating in my ears. All of my senses were heightened. My biggest concern was what was going to happen when I came up with the excuse that my hand had slipped. That was the oldest line in the book, and I felt sure he would see right through it. What then for me? Yes, he will undoubtedly sustain an injury of some form but what will he do to me? It’s highly unlikely he’s going to buy that excuse. I knew it wasn’t ideal but there was a more determined voice within me telling me to press on, that it’ll be OK.
I had hoped to eat my toast and slip out un-noticed but no such luck. “Erm, where do you think you are disappearing away to?”
“To make a start clearing the pathways, Sir.”
“Just hold your horses. You ain’t going nowhere until I’ve given the blower a once-over so pipe down.” That’s me told then! He has one nasty scowl on his face, and it occurs to me at that moment how hard it must be going through life as perpetually angry as he is, it must really weigh you down. I don’t want to stay here in his presence one more minute than is absolutely necessary.
“Is it OK if I get myself sorted to go out and I can meet you there, Sir?”
“Fine with me. Fuck off out of here just now, give me five minutes peace will you.” At least we agree on something.
I wrap up for the weather. Layers of clothing, waterproof trousers, hat, gloves, and scarf. Suitably warm and trussed up, I make my way outside. A winter wonderland awaits me. It is not the picture postcard winter wonderland you see depicted in romantic movies. It is wild and untamed.
There is a high wind and it’s picking the top layer of snow upwards and dispersing it all around so you’re not quite sure whether the wind has caused the snow to appear in the atmosphere or whether it is actually snowing. I’m going to be exposed to the elements today. Thankfully the snowblower i
s a ride-on but without a cab to sit in, I am going to be frozen and windswept in equal measure.
The temptation is there to start her up and get on with the job (before I lose my nerve!) but I must be patient. If I do anything without him giving me authorisation, it will not go down well. I survey the area I am about to tackle. It looks untouched; virgin white snow as far as the eye can see. However, I know the secret it holds.
At the far end of the lane only yesterday morning, we strategically deposited some rocks and sticks, ready for the blower to gobble up today. We were forecast a heavy dumping of snow yesterday afternoon and all through the night. Mother nature hadn’t let us down. Our offerings were covered in a thick blanket of snow.
Like the proverbial bad penny, he turns up. “Good luck to you today, lad, you’re gonna need it!” If you didn’t know him, you’d have thought that was a genuine message of concern, but it was of course loaded with sarcasm. We both knew there was no way he’d attempt to clear the snow today. It was too wild for him, but he was more than happy for me to brave it. I’m quite sure he’ll be tucked up in the croft, nice and cosy, his favourite amber nectar warming him from the inside out.
“Right stupid; out of the way, give me some space will you. I need to get her fired up.” I am only too happy to get out of his way. He does various safety checks to ensure everything is as it should be. It is quite amusing to watch as he talks his way through it all. I refrain from smiling. God forbid he looks up and sees a smile, he would know straight away he was being mocked! After his checks have been completed, he sits astride the snowblower and starts the motor up then proceeds to jump off immediately. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he stomps off, shouting as he goes; “Don’t you bloody dilly-dally! Get this lot cleared quick-smart or so help me, you’ll see what’s coming to you!”
IT’S TIME: COULD YOU RISK YOUR SANITY TO SAVE YOURSELF? Page 13