by Amanda Cuff
“I’m good,” I respond, trying hard to sound lighter than I feel.
Willow walks into the room then, greeting her grandparents before sitting down at the table. Her face is sad and withdrawn, but at least she’s out here. That’s more than can be said for her father.
Janice’s eyes go back and forth between the two of us before she quietly asks, “Where’s Chase?”
I clear my throat, preparing the lie I’d been rehearsing to roll off my tongue. “He isn’t feeling well today. Some stomach bug. He’s sleeping right now, but I promised to save him a plate for when he’s feeling better.”
Janice’s eyes remain on me and I inwardly grimace. I hate having to lie to her and part of me doesn’t even want to. It’s tempting to throw Chase under the bus, but I care about him too much to do that.
“Okay,” she says, and I wonder if I’m just imagining the strain in her voice. “Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t still enjoy our evening with you girls!”
She pats my cheek in her motherly way before starting to uncover the dishes now littering the countertop. Scents of green bean casserole and sweet potatoes fill the air, alerting me to the fact that I haven’t eaten since my small piece of banana bread this morning.
With full plates, we settle in at the table just seconds before the doorbell rings again. Confused, I pull my eyes to the foyer right as the front door opens. Drake walks into the room with his usual cocky grin and my fork clatters to my plate.
Oh no, I forgot Drake changed his mind about coming.
He comes up short when he sees us at the table and raises his hands in the air. “Don’t tell me you started without me! How rude.”
Janice laughs and stands from the table, rushing over to dote on him while Rudy guffaws.
Drake’s eyes meet mine and he gasps. “Wait a minute. Did you forget to tell them I was coming?”
“I was distracted by green bean casserole and cherry pie,” I say. “Can you really blame me?”
“Well, when you put it that way, I totally get it.” He leans over and places a kiss to the top of both mine and Willow’s head before heading over to the counter and making his plate.
Janice is asking Willow question after question and Willow is dutifully answering; albeit, with a little attitude.
“Where’s Chase?” Drake asks when he settles into his seat.
“He’s not feeling well,” I answer.
“Must have been the booze,” he deadpans.
My lips tighten in disapproval at his comment, but I can’t really fault him for speaking the truth.
“Well,” Janice says, turning to me with a grimace. She wipes her mouth with her napkin and places it down on the table, then looks back and forth between me and Drake, sizing us up. “What’s going on, you two? What aren’t you telling me?”
Neither of us speaks, but Willow has no problem putting her two cents in.
“Dad is never around since Mom died. All he does is work and sleep,” she says.
“And drink,” Drake mutters.
He doesn’t meet my eyes as I glare at him across the table, which is probably a good thing because if looks could kill…
Janice tosses her napkin onto the table, and Rudy’s eyebrows fly up his forehead. He makes a noise in his throat and adjusts in his chair, until she pins him in place with a single stare.
“Addison, may I be frank with you?” she asks.
Rudy throws his head back with a sigh.
“Of course,” I reply, afraid of where this conversation is heading. I drop my fork, no longer bothering to hold up pretenses that I’m actually eating.
“You’re a really great girl and I admire the way you’ve handled everything that’s been thrown at you.” She pauses, clearing her throat as tears spring to her eyes. “I know my son is hurting. We all are. But loss isn’t an excuse to treat those you care about poorly. Willow doesn’t deserve it and neither do you. We all loved Emily, but the way he’s behaving isn’t healthy. Not to mention him just leaving Willow for you to take care of. This isn’t your mess to clean up.”
“I don’t mind taking care of her,” I say firmly, reaching out to grab Willow’s hand. I look her straight in the eye when I say, “You’re not an inconvenience.”
Janice shakes her head, more tears welling in her eyes. “Oh, honey, I know you don’t mind it. But Willow needs him right now and he’s all but turning his back on her. You need him, too. All this stress isn’t good for you or the baby.”
I open my mouth to defend him, but I can’t bring myself to say the words, because she’s right. It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to grieve, but it’s not okay to turn your back on your family.
Finally, Rudy speaks up. “I think you girls should stay with us for a while.”
Janice pats at her tears with her napkin, her smile finally righting itself on her face. “I think that’s a fabulous idea!” She scoots her plate out of the way and reaches out her hand to place it on top of mine and Willow’s. “Please stay with us until all of this blows over.”
I look over to Willow. She’d perked up at Rudy’s offer, but when my gaze meets hers, she must see my hesitation. She slumps back over, eyes to the table. She pulls her hand away and yanks on her shirt sleeves.
“Do you want to go stay with Nana and Pops, Will?” I ask her. “It’s okay if you do.”
“Are you coming too?” she asks.
“I don’t think so, honey.” I turn back to Janice. “I appreciate the offer, but I once made a promise to Chase that I wouldn’t run out on him and I’m not going to do that now, not when he needs me the most. If we’re going to work through this, I need to be here.”
Janice nods, a watery smile on her face. “You’re a special girl, Addison. I hope my son figures that out before it’s too late.”
29
Chase
Another morning comes before I’m ready for it. I once again reach out for Addison, and again, she isn’t here.
This time, the impact of her absence hurts more than what’s keeping me in this bed.
God, I miss her.
I miss her face being the first thing I see in the morning. I miss her laughter, her smile, holding her in my arms every night while we talk about our future.
The very future I’m now fucking up because I can’t get my shit together.
If Emily was here, she’d have already dragged me out of this bed and verbally kicked my ass. Probably even physically, too—and if I’m being honest with myself, I wouldn’t have blamed her.
I haven’t been the man I promised her I’d be after she was gone.
I haven’t been the man I promised myself I’d be for Emily and Willow, either—and that has to change.
The pain of losing Emily won’t go away anytime soon, but I refuse to lose my other girls in the process.
I cannot let my life with them die just because Emily has.
It’s time to man the fuck up.
I get up to go in search of Addison.
30
Addison
I’m sitting in front of the TV when it happens. Just minding my own business, folding a load of laundry, snacking on blueberries, and rolling my eyes as twenty women vie for one man’s love and attention on national television.
“Hey,” Chase says quietly.
My head snaps up from folding a pair of Willow’s jeans. He’s standing in the doorway of the living room, shoulders hunched and hands stuffed into his pockets, equal parts shame and hope warring on his face. You’d think he had announced his presence with a full mariachi band by the way I’m looking at him in shock.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
I whip my head around to look behind me, knowing damn well I’ll find nothing but a wall, but surely, he’s not talking to me.
“Come on,” he says. “Don’t be like that.”
“Like what, Chase?” I turn back to the pile of laundry in my lap and pretend like my heart isn’t racing in my chest.
He continues to stand there
, staring at me, heavy eyelids over his chocolate-colored eyes. It’s been two nights since our fight and even longer since we’ve had a meaningful conversation. But as he stands in front of me now, he looks a little bit more like the Chase I fell in love with rather than the asshole who’s been occupying his body for almost two weeks.
Finally, he sighs, looking around the room for just a second before walking over to the large LA-Z-Boy and scooting it across the floor. As bulky as that damn thing is, he doesn’t have any issue dancing it along the carpet.
When it’s directly in front of me, mere feet from where I’m sitting on the couch, he grabs the clothes from my lap and tosses them in the basket on the ground.
“Those can wait,” he says.
He sits down, elbows to knees, hands clasped together in front of him and takes a deep breath. If guilt and regret had a baby, it would be Chase.
“You know what’s funny?” I ask. “I’m not even mad at you. I feel like I’m supposed to be mad at you, but I’m really just sad for you.”
He nods, his head rising and falling just an inch. “It hurts,” he says. His tone is gravelly and rough, like he has to force the words up and out of his throat. “I knew it was going to hurt, but this is something I wasn’t prepared for. I feel…I feel worthless.”
“Chase—”
“I couldn’t save her. For years, I thought if I just stayed positive and kept my head held high, she’d get better. That’s what I’ve spent my whole life believing, if you put in the work, the world works for you.” Tears collect in his eyes and slowly rain down his face.
“And, fuck,” he continues, “I’ve had months to prepare myself for this. I knew it was coming. But seeing her lying there—just a body without a soul—it ripped me to shreds. I have no clue how to handle this. And it’s been easier to just…not.”
“I’m so sorry, Chase. I know how much she meant to you.” I scoot forward and rest my hand on his knee, hoping it’s a small comfort. Even if it does nothing for him, it makes me feel a little better. Touching him, feeling him solid in front of me, a whole man rather than a hollow set of bones.
“The day she died, I felt like I was in a daze. There was so much that needed to be done and I wanted it taken care of as soon as possible for Willow’s sake. I wanted all the equipment gone and everything settled. Not because I wanted to erase Emily or anything like that, but because I didn’t want Willow feeling like her life was still in turmoil. She’s been dealing with everything for so long and I wanted to be able to start the healing process as soon as I could.”
“Not to be a jerk, but if healing was what you wanted for her, where the hell have you been these past two weeks? I mean, she barely sees you.”
His tears have stopped and he wipes at the left behind trails roughly. “I’m so sorry, Addison, to you and her. But if I couldn’t be strong for her and for you, it felt better to just stay away. I failed Emily. I’m failing you and Willow. I thought you might be better off if I kept to myself for a while.”
“Well, we’re not. We all need one another, Chase. That’s the whole point of a family, to have people to lean on during the hard days.”
He opens his mouth to speak but shuts it when the words don’t seem to come. He looks broken, like a man who’s been lost for so long, fighting to find his way back home. And in a sense, he has been.
“I’m sure it might be hard to believe how sorry I am and to put your trust in me now. Truthfully, I’m still not okay. I still don’t feel strong, not in the least. But I miss you and Willow so fucking much and I can’t stay locked up in my own personal hell anymore. I need you.”
His voice cracks as he slides over the edge of the seat, knees hitting the ground in front of me. His face is etched in pain and, even though his actions have hurt me too, I wish I could erase the loss he feels. But I also know I can’t cower to that pain. I need to stay strong for Willow—and for myself.
“You have a lot of groveling to do,” I tell him. “And I’m not just talking about to me. You’ve pissed off a lot of people these past two weeks, but more than that, you’ve hurt them.”
“I know it’s going to take time to fix this between us, and with Willow. There’s so much healing we all have to do. Just tell me you’re willing to give me the chance to do it. Tell me we can work through this.”
His eyes are pleading, their intensity cracking the last of the armor still at guard around my heart. I bring my hands up to cradle his face, the scratchy stubble rough against my palms, and I don’t let my eyes waver.
I want to feel the brunt of every tear that falls, the struggle of every shaky breath he pushes through his lungs. I not only want to understand his pain, but I also want to feel it, so we can both begin the process of healing.
31
Chase
“What are you watching?” I ask Addison, tipping my head toward the TV as I lower myself beside her.
“The Bachelor.” Her eyes don’t even leave the screen as she answers, which is lucky too, because it means she can’t see my involuntary grimace before I can wipe it from my face.
Her reality shows might not be my first choice of evening entertainment, but she sure as hell won’t hear any complaints from me. In fact, if she wants to spend every single night for the rest of our lives watching trashy TV, then that’s what we’ll do.
“Did Willow go down okay?” she asks. “You weren't gone for very long.”
“Yeah, she did.” It’s only been about twelve hours since Addison accepted my apology, but I’ve already seen multiple ways daily life has changed around here, the biggest being that Willow sleeps in her own room again, almost without issue.
“She’s doing better,” Addison says, her gaze finally turning my way. “Her therapist thinks that, even though she’s grieving right now, a lot of her anxiety is gone. There’s no more…uncertainty, I guess, and a lot less stress of the unknown.”
“Thank you for taking such good care of her while I couldn’t.” I send her a small, apologetic smile. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but it means a lot to me that she was in such capable hands.”
“Of course, Chase. You know how much I love her.”
It’s a good thing I’m already sitting, because the sincerity in her beautiful blues just about knocks me off balance. She really does love Willow, and vice versa.
I don’t know what I was expecting when I first introduced the two. At the bare minimum, I was hoping they would get along, but I’m blown away by how strong their bond has already become.
It’s different than Willow’s bond with Emily, of course. I don’t think anything can compare to the relationship between a mother and her child, the love that knows no fault and no boundaries. What Addison and Willow share is more like a deep friendship and respect, like sisters who are still getting to know each other. It’s a beautiful thing—and I’m lucky I get to witness it.
Clearing my throat, I shift the conversation to something that’s been on my mind all day. I feel the nerves run through me but push past them anyway. If I’m going to get better at talking about my feelings, then I’m going to have to work through these uncomfortable moments.
“I called her therapist today actually,” I say tentatively. “I, uh…I asked her for a suggestion of a therapist for me.” Busying my nervous hands, I grab the big bowl of popcorn and peanut butter M&Ms Addison has on the side table, shaking the contents around before depositing the bowl into her lap.
She smiles, plucking a few pieces out and depositing them into her mouth. “I think that’s a good idea,” she says. “I’m proud of you for taking that step.”
I nod, taking a deep breath and allowing the tension in my stomach to uncoil. I shouldn’t have worried about her reaction to the news.
“Me too,” I reply. “Now, give me your feet.”
“My feet?” She laughs, looking down at her bright pink toenails on the floor. The same color I saw on Willow’s toes earlier today.
“Yes, baby, your feet.” I wave my hands
at her, shooing her in the direction of the end of the couch. “Scoot.”
“Are things about to get kinky?” she asks with a grin.
I laugh at her ridiculousness and watch as she stretches out to her full length on the couch, placing the snack bowl onto the table and turning my way. I bring one knee up against the back of the couch and reach out to grab her foot, my thumb tucking into her arch and making a slow circle.
“A foot massage, huh?” she asks, unable to hide her smile.
“It seems like the least I can do for you, considering you’re growing an entire human being for me.”
“You’ve got a point,” she says. She sighs in ecstasy and adjusts in her seat, leaning her head back on the arm of the couch. “My dad called while you were putting Willow to bed.”
My eyebrows raise in shock. “Wow, what did he have to say?”
“I called him about a week ago and told him about the baby. To put it lightly, the conversation didn’t go well. But he called tonight to try to make amends. At least, in the best way he knows how.”
“He offered you money,” I reply, knowing that Addison’s father thinks money is the currency of love.
A small, bitter laugh puffs out of her. “Yes, he offered me money. Which I obviously turned down.” She pauses a moment, looking at me thoughtfully before continuing. “When I was in college, he would call me every Sunday to check in on me. It was kind of annoying. He was always so damn pushy and only cared about what my grades were like and how I was representing myself. You know the drill. Anyway, he wants to start those weekly check-ins again, and I don’t know, I’m kind of strangely excited for it.”
“It’s okay to be excited to talk to your father, baby, even if you two don’t have the best relationship right now. Hell, maybe the distance between you two will help. It might be easier to tell him when he’s being a jackass if you’re not face-to-face, and maybe it will help him realize that showing a little care and concern to his daughter isn’t the end of the world.”