His eyebrows squish together. "Why?"
"For not telling me about having a meeting with Lisa today. Or she's in law school."
Clutching my hips, he pulls me closer, and rests his forehead against mine. "I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't trying to keep it from you. The law school arrangements were made while you were in the hospital. I thought if you knew Lisa was coming by today, you would skip your therapy session, and it was more important for you to see Dr. Watson and relax with Leigha than visit with Lisa. Did you have fun?"
"Most of the time."
He narrows his eyes and grimaces. "What happened?"
"Nothing worth talking about right now." The last thing I want to do is bring up that bitch Rebekah and what she alleges—if for no other reason than to delay Alex inadvertently confirming her claims through his facial expressions or something. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster all day, and really don't need another accelerated drop into hell. Especially since I am feeling both elated and guilty about the secret meeting between Lisa and him.
Alex caresses my cheek and gazes into my eyes. "Are you still mad at me?"
"No, I'm mad at myself - for jumping to conclusions when I walked in and saw you with another woman." I take a deep breath. "I thought the worst of you, Alex—thought you were betraying me. I trust you—I really do, but we seem so disconnected lately."
He wraps his arms around me and gathers me back against him. His lips press against the top of my head. "Baby, we're fine. There's no disconnection, I promise. I love you, Kylie, and that will never change. Please stop worrying."
His heart is beating a mile a minute. I'm trying so hard not to scream that I'm desperately trying to believe him, but his actions speak louder than words. He's avoiding any form of intimacy with me, and I'm not sure how the love that we had can survive without it.
Meanwhile, the hollowness inside me just keep growing and I wonder if my heart can endure the icy feelings of doubt running through my veins.
I've been reading the same page in this new mystery for the last ten minutes. I close it and place it on the nightstand. My lack of focus is not going to return tonight. Spending night after night alone while Alex shuts himself up in his study is wearing on me.
I stroll towards the kitchen, slowing as I pass Alex's door. The TV is on, and some financial analyst is talking about the stock market in China. I tap on the door and poke my head inside. It's dark, the only light coming from the TV. It takes me a minute to see him sitting on the couch, sipping from the glass of scotch in his hand.
I step just inside the door. "Hey, I was going to get some ice cream. Maggie bought a brand new tub of mint chocolate chip today. Want to join me?"
"Hmm, tempting, but I think I'll have to pass, baby. I'm waiting on an email proposal to come in and I need to act on it quickly once I receive it."
My shoulders slump, and I swallow hard over the lump in my throat. "Okay, just thought I'd check." I back out of the study, close the door, and sag against it. My heart feels as if it is shrinking. I close my eyes and drop my head into my hands. Hopelessness wraps around me like a heavy blanket I can't shrug off.
My appetite's gone. I fall onto the bed, pulling over Alex's pillows, and breathe in his masculine scent. I close my eyes, and try to imagine his arms wrapped around me, the feel of his lips on mine, the way he tastes when I nibble his neck, and the low growl when he's close to climaxing. I miss it all. I miss him. I miss us.
The bed shifts, and I and open my eyes. Alex is sliding next to me.
"Where's your ice cream?"
I pull myself up and sit back against the headboard. "Um, I decided not to have any. It's no fun breaking into a new tub alone."
He covers my hand with his and gives it a squeeze. "I'm sorry I'm neglecting you, baby. I've just been swamped with this new deal and it's taking up more of my time than I thought."
"It's okay, Alex. I understand. I know how important this deal is—I just miss you. But I guess I can share you with your business for a little while longer.
"How about we make a deal? You give me tonight to work out the kinks in this deal, and I will make some time for us this weekend."
"Really?" I ask, my heart jumping for joy but my head wary.
Alex nods. "It just so happens I have a meeting tomorrow in New York. If you come with me, we can stay for the weekend and spend some time with Paul and Ryan."
Seeing my two best friends again is exactly what I need. Ryan will be able to help me figure out what I should do, and Paul will force me to be happy just being in his presence. They are my chosen family, always there when I need them the most—and I frantically need them now.
Alex nods and that beautiful smile I first fell in love with spreads across his face. I snuggle against his chest, the beating of his heart drumming against my ear. "I would love that, baby. Thank you."
"Anything for you." He runs his fingers through my hair and—for a moment—it feels like old times.
I take a deep breath. "Do you ever think things will get back to the way they were before John—"
Alex stiffens. "No. Things will never be that way again."
My blood turns to ice. Tears blur my vision and I suppress a sob threatening to break free from my chest. My world is spinning out of control around me. My worst fears have been confirmed. Alex will never love me like he did before the shooting. The boat we are on pitches violently and I'm tossed overboard into the cold, dark, unforgiving waters. I'm drowning and I can't seem to grasp a lifeline.
Alex scoots to the edge of the bed. "I have some work to finish up. I shouldn't be too long, but you should get some sleep. I doubt you will get much rest in New York."
The door closes behind him, and tears stream down my face. I pull my knees to my chest, drop my head, and cry. I have no idea what to do. I can't imagine my life without Alex in it, but I may not have a choice.
I refuse to stay in a relationship with a man who no longer loves me. If I can't get back on the boat with Alex, I will have to save myself and swim to shore. Or drown in the process.
Chapter Three
Alex's corporate helicopter soars through the New York City skyline. I reach over and pinch Alex on the leg.
"Ow. Would you stop doing that?"
"Just making sure I'm not dreaming this."
"You knew that after the first pinch. There should be no doubt with the third one."
We hover above a building, and slowly descend until it makes contact with the roof. A man ducks under the whirring propellers, and slides open the door. He sticks his hand out to help me out, and I'd love to accommodate if I could unbuckle my seatbelt.
I glance up at the young man. "Why is this so hard for me?"
He reaches in, pulls the lever, and releases the strap around my waist.
"I'm not always this challenged." I slip my hand in his, center my foot on the step, and dart across the rooftop. A hand rests on my lower back, and I glance over my shoulder. Alex pulls open the door with his other hand and nudges me through. The door closes with a loud, metallic thud that reverberates through the enclosed space.
Alex steps over to the elevator and punches the keypad on the wall next to it. The doors slide open, and he guides me inside.
"How long have you had an apartment up here?" Until a couple of days ago, I had no idea Alex had his own place in the city. I figured he stayed at the Plaza or some other luxury hotel.
"A few years. I used to come up here for business more, but now I think Ellie gets more use out of it. She stays on her buying trips for the store—at least that's what she tells me she's doing. I have a sneaking suspicion she uses it more as a crash pad after hitting all the clubs with her friends."
"Yeah, that sounds more like Ellie. It's sometimes hard to believe that free-spirit came from the same parents as you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"She's the complete opposite of you. It's fascinating."
"Fascinating?"
"I didn't grow up with
siblings, remember? So, yes, your relationship with your sisters and brother is an interesting study."
"And what have you discovered through your research, Miss Tate?"
"That underneath your dark Armani business suits, you're just as warm and fuzzy as the rest of your family."
"Hmm, well, don't spread that around."
"Your secret is safe with me, Mr. Stone. I'm very happy to be the recipient of your sweet, sensitive side." I kiss him on the side of his neck.
The elevator doors slide open, and we step into an alcove. Alex unlocks the tall, black entry door, and leads me through an alcove into a large living room. Floor to ceiling windows line both ends of the room, one side offering views of Central Park and the other the southern Manhattan skyline. I cross to the windows and look at the people walking through the park. They look like ants meandering along the paths, completely oblivious I am watching them, like a bird high in a tree, mesmerized by their movements. I've visited New York on many occasions since Ryan and Paul moved here, but I have never seen it from this vantage point.
Alex comes up behind me, resting his hands on my hips and resting his chin on my shoulder. "What do you think?"
"It's breathtaking…and a little scary. It feels as if we could tumble right of these windows."
Alex's fingers dig into my hips. His lips press against my ear, his breath heats my skin, and tingles surge through my chest, deep into my belly. "I will never let you fall, baby."
I drop my head back and rest it against his shoulder. I miss these little moments between us. I can pretend the events of the last couple of months never happened. Pretend we are exactly where we left off the night Alex finally told me he loved me, and I believed I would be happy forever.
Alex's cell phone buzzes. He pulls away from me and digs the phone from his pants pocket. I feel the loss of him immediately—cold and loneliness replace the warmth—and I know may be a while before we are this intimate again.
"Hey Paul," Alex says. "Yes, we just arrived a few minutes ago…"
I can hear Paul's voice on the other end but not what he is saying, but Alex chuckles at it. I love that Alex and Paul have become so close over the past few months, even going into a joint business venture. So, why is there a sudden tightness in my chest? A burning swell of resentment Alex can relax and have fun with Paul, but is so distant and serious with me most of the time. It wasn't like this before.
I doubted it would ever be like that again.
Alex and I stroll along the sidewalk to the Italian restaurant where we are meeting Paul and Ryan for lunch. The sun is shining, but there is a bite in the air as the Indian summer is making way for the cooler fall temperatures. Alex grabs my hand, his fingers knit with mine. I glance at him. There is a hint of a smile on his face. I wish I could see if it reaches his eyes, but they are covered by sunglasses.
I'm awash with nostalgia once again. The simplicity we share in just being together. We don't have to speak, just be in each other's presence. That is our escape—has always been our refuge from the world around us. Safe from the outside forces trying to come between us.
My heart swells in my chest. It still exists between us. It hasn't died—just buried. But now that we've found it, even if it's barely visible under the crap, I plan on placing a death grip on it.
Paul and Ryan already have a table outside when Alex and I walk up. There is also a bottle of wine open, half empty. Paul takes me in his arms, giving me his patented bear hug.
"How's my favorite neanderthal?" I giggle when he lifts me off my feet, squeezes me harder, and then puts me back down. I tip my head back and look into this face I know so well. A few more wrinkles around the eyes, and maybe even a bit of greying at his temples, although it's difficult to tell with his blonde hair.
"I'm great. How's the head?" He raps his knuckles against my forehead.
"The doctors assure me that I will be normal soon. I'm somewhat of a modern medical miracle, you know?"
"Well, that you would have to be since you haven't been normal since I met you."
I punched him in the arm. "Funny."
Ryan steps beside me, wrap his arm around my waist and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Hey, darlin'."
I return the kiss while Alex shakes hands with Paul, and then we all sit down. Paul starts in immediately with the dirty jokes, and that starts us all laughing. I gaze around the table at my two best friends and the man I love. The atmosphere is so carefree. It seems impossible to think that it's been months since we have all joked and laughed like this. So many dark days stretched between then and now. All because of John and his inability to let me go. His unquenchable thirst to control me. His screwed up vision of love through torture and rape. The zip ties cutting into my skin as I hung from the metal rod in the shower. The snap of the leather straps, the sting as they tore through my flesh.
I shake my head, force the visions back into the darkness. Not today. I will not let the memories that madman left me with ruin this perfect day.
John is gone. I can't change my past, or the part that he played in it. But I will be damned if he has any part of my future.
Paul unlocks the door to the apartment where he and Ryan live together, and we all shuffle to the living room. I drop onto the sofa and groan.
"Oh, dear God, that was so good, but I ate entirely too much."
Ryan groans in agreement.
Paul chuckles. "Lightweights." It never ceases to amaze me the amount of food that man can put away. He's like a dog that takes care of the leftovers after dinner. There was not a speck of food left behind, all thanks to the human vacuum.
Ryan leans his head back against the sofa, gazing up at Paul. "Are you ready?"
Paul nods, and takes a seat next to Ryan. "Let's do this."
My heart pounds in my chest. Oh, God, please don't let this be bad news. I look back and forth between them, searching for some clue of their mood. I know I will never be able to handle bad news.
"What's going on?" I ask. I find Alex's hand and lace my fingers with his. "You guys are making me nervous."
Ryan peers over at me and clears his throat. "We need to ask you a favor, K."
"It's big," Paul adds.
"What? You know you can ask me anything." My heart is racing and my hands are clammy. I wish I could wipe them off, but I'm not letting go of Alex's hand. No way in hell. He has a way of giving me strength, and right now, I need every ounce I can get.
"Paul and I have decided to start a family."
"And we are hoping you will handle the legal side of the adoption for us." Paul raises his puppy dog eyes.
I sit, stunned, mulling over what they have just laid out. I release Alex's hand and rub my palms on my jeans. A million questions run through my mind, but I settle on the most important one. "You're sort of doing it out of order, don't you think? You guys aren't even married yet."
Silence. I glance at Ryan and Paul with their blank stares. Paul throws his head back and howls. Ryan is shaking his head, a wide grin ear-to-ear.
"What's so funny?" I glance over at Alex, who just shrugs at me.
Paul places his hand on his chest and takes a few breathes. "Married? We're not exactly a conventional couple having kids, K."
"Why? Because you're gay?"
"Yeah, that sort of takes us out of the mainstream traditional family, don't you think?"
"Why should it? New York allows gay marriage. Don't you think you should commit to each other before you commit to a child?"
"What the hell—"
Ryan places his hand on Paul's arm. "That's something we will definitely discuss, darlin'. What we need to know is if you can help with the adoption."
"Of course. I've retained my license here in New York, so that's no problem. Are you working with an adoption agency?"
"Yes, they came highly recommended by friends of ours that have used them a couple of times. I checked out their references, and we're comfortable with them."
"Okay, just send me the
name and phone number of the agency, and who you've been working with there. I'll get started on the legal side of it. Have you signed a contract with them?"
Ryan picks up a manila folder from the side table and hands it to me. "No, we were hoping you would take a look at it before we signed anything."
"Okay, I'll go through it and let you know."
Paul rubs Ryan's shoulder, a cocky grin on his face. "See, nothing to worry about. It's all good."
Ryan shakes his head and glances at me and then Alex. "You okay, Alex?"
"Me? Yeah, I'm good. I thought you were asking Kylie to be a surrogate."
Ryan and Paul eyes dart over to mine. Shit, shit, shit! Have we not had this discussion?
Paul slaps his hand against his leg and stands. "The specs on the investment property are in my study, if you want to take a look at them, Alex?"
Alex nods. "Sure." He takes my hand and kisses my fingers. "That okay with you, baby?"
"If I say 'no' you will discuss it anyway, and bore the hell out of Ryan and me." I chuckle and give him a little nudge. "Go talk business. Ryan and I are going to talk babies."
The door to Paul's study clicks shut. Ryan quickly moves over and sits next to me on the sofa.
"What the hell, Kylie? You haven't had the baby talk with Alex yet?"
"I guess not." I drop my head into my hands and close my eyes. "Things have just been so crazy the last few months. It must have slipped my mind."
"Slipped your mind? Darlin', you have got to tell him. This is something he needs to know."
"I know." I rub my eyes and lift my head. Ryan's eyes are drilling laser beams into me. "I know! I will, I promise."
"Soon. He deserves to know."
"I never meant to keep it from him, Ryan. It just hasn't come up. We've had other issues to deal with, and having kids seemed the least of our worries."
Ryan opens his mouth, but I put up my hand. "I will tell him, okay? I'm just not looking forward to it. We have been getting along so well since we got here—it's been almost like it used to be between us. I just don't want it to end."
Revenge: Tri-Stone Trilogy, Book Two Page 3