by Fawn Holman
On the inside, I wince. I do tend to hold parts of myself back from her. It’s not intentional. It’s instinctive. I’m afraid that offering all of me is opening myself up for future hurt if she’s suddenly not a part of my life anymore.
I sigh. “I’m not a lesbian.”
“Why do you sound disappointed?”
“Because I wish I were.” I sigh again. “I have a crush.”
“On who?”
“I… I can’t say.” My face heats. “But it’s someone I’m definitely not supposed to have a crush on.”
“Ooh, forbidden!” Maeve rubs her hands together, her brown eyes lit up with glee. “Is it a professor?”
“I’m not telling.” I shake my head. “I want to but I just… I can’t. Not right now. Look, I have this crush and I don’t know what to do.”
“Duh. Act on it. Kiss him.”
“He’s not going to like that.”
Then again, the look Aiden gave me this morning… I don’t know. I think he thought about it for a split second and then remembered who we were to each other.
“Is it Professor Sutherby?” Maeve licks her lips. “He’s a little nerdy but he’s cute. He can get it with that beard.”
“It’s not Professor Sutherby and I’m still not telling you who it is.”
“Fine.” She huffs. “If this mystery guy won’t like you kissing him then maybe he doesn’t deserve your attention. What guy would look at all this…” She roves her hand in the air from my face to my legs. “…and not want a kiss?”
I shrug. “It’s just the kind of person he is.”
She nods. “He’s the nervous type.”
Aiden’s definitely not nervous. He’s a fricking cop who is capable of serious damage by himself.
“I wouldn’t say nervous. He’s, you know, a good guy. He’s honourable. He just won’t allow anything to happen between us.”
“Then you have to tempt him to be bad.” Maeve’s lips stretch in a devilish grin. “You have to seduce him. Which is stupid easy.” She holds up her hand and touches each finger as she goes through her list of suggestions. “Wear clothes that show off your assets to him, always get close to him, touch him often, laugh at his jokes, and maybe cook him something. My Aunt Gin says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
I chuckle. “Tell your Aunt Gin that this is the twenty-first century. Women have other things to do than slave away in the kitchen to please a man.”
“I’ll take you to her farm so you can tell her that yourself. Before you can finish, she’ll have you on your hands and knees scrubbing floors for the trouble.”
Maeve and I share a laugh. As we move on to discuss Sherika’s upcoming party, I mull on her advice. I doubt I’ll take it. It’s a bad idea. Aiden might not fall for my seduction.
But what if he does?
Four
Vanessa’s car is parked in the driveway. Her high, worried voice is the first thing that greets me when I open the front door.
“…shouldn’t have fought those men, Aiden. That was incredibly irresponsible. What if they had weapons? What if they had hurt you? They would have moved on to Natalie, and God knows what they would have done to—”
Deciding I’d heard enough, I slammed the front door closed to cut her off. I put a little extra force in my footsteps on my way to the living room.
Three pairs of eyes land on me when I appear in the entranceway. Vanessa’s seated on the couch.
Her boyfriend Greg or Garrett or whatever is in one of the armchairs with an opened packet of peanuts clutched in his fist.
And Aiden’s leaning against the side of the fireplace, his arms folded, his features stony.
Vanessa launches to her feet, and rushes over to me in her baby blue shirt and white shorts. It’s strange how we barely resemble each other despite being sisters.
Mom was Latina and Dad was White. Vanessa and I have the same olive skin, but she took mom’s dark hair and brown eyes. My hair is a lighter brown and I ended up with Dad’s grey eyes.
With her wide hips and big breasts, my sister turns heads without even trying. Sometimes, I can’t help comparing myself to her and finding myself incredibly lacking.
She pulls me into a tight embrace. I return her hug with equal love while guilt churns in my gut. What would she think of me if she knew how I felt about Aiden?
Vanessa releases me from the hug but grips my upper arms. Her features are creased in concern.
“Are you OK?”
“I’m fine.”
She sweeps her gaze over me as if searching for visible bruises. “I heard about the break-in from Jennifer. Rodney was one of the officers who took your statement. He told Jennifer everything. She said he said that in your report, one of the men grabbed you and pushed you down on the stairs!”
“He didn’t push me. I fell when he grabbed me.” Vanessa lets out a gasp and covers her mouth. So I give her a reassuring smile. “Van, I wasn’t hurt. Honest.” I glance at Aiden whose stony expression hasn’t lifted. “Aiden made sure of that. He protected me.”
Vanessa turns her gaze to Aiden and frowns. “No, he jeopardized your safety. He should have gotten you out of the house as soon as he was aware of the intruders.”
“How would that have been possible?” I shake my head. “Aiden was downstairs and I was upstairs. If he’d gone up to get me, we’d both be trapped with no way out.” She doesn’t look the least bit convinced. She opens her mouth, most likely to argue her point but I speak first. “You weren’t there. Everything happened so fast. Aiden did the right thing.”
Vanessa purses her lips. “Of course you’d come to his defence. You always do. But the fact remains is that you’re not safe here. If these men make bail, they might return.”
“You’re worrying for nothing.” As is typical of her. She loves to worry. It probably feels good for her or something. “If it makes you feel any better, Aiden says he’s applying for first shift. He’ll be home with me at nights.”
Vanessa’s furrowed eyebrows quickly lift in incredulity. She turns away to face Aiden.
“Is that true?” she demands in an accusatory tone.
Aiden unfolds his arms and straightens his stance. He looks uncomfortable.
“I’m doing this for Natalie.”
“You can do it for her but not for me?”
And just like that, the old heavy, uncomfortable tension from when they were together invades the room. Even G-man shifts in his seat. His peanut wrapper crinkles in his fist, loud in the too quiet room.
“Vanessa—” Aiden begins.
“Is something going on between the two of you?” Vanessa blurts out. She darts a glance at me then back to Aiden.
“No!” Aiden and I say together.
Our expressions are the same too: wide-eyed and dumbfounded. Except, I assume, for different reasons. Aiden’s probably shocked she even suggested that. I’m shocked she suspected it.
“I wouldn’t be surprised, you know,” Vanessa says quietly. “The two of you have always gotten along so well.” She looks at Aiden. “Better than we ever could.”
“Vanessa, please stop.” My face is on fire. “Aiden and I aren’t… we’re just friends.”
“Nothing is going on between us,” Aiden adds in a firm, convincing voice. Ouch. He might as well tack on, “And it’s never ever going to. Ever,” while he’s at it.
Vanessa lifts her hands in the air. “Fine. Clearly, I’ve hit a nerve. I’ll shut up. I’ve said what I wanted to say, anyway.” She whirls to collect her bag from the couch and swing the strap over shoulder. “Garth, let’s go. I want to get to the store before it closes. We’re out of tomatoes.”
With a wave to Aiden and a kiss on my cheek, she leaves with her boyfriend. The house is so much lighter once they’re gone.
Five
I flop into the couch. “Unbelievable.”
Aiden shakes his head. “Yeah, Vanessa’s a handful at times.”
“At times?” I scoff.
“All the time!” I exhale in irritation. “Did you see what they were wearing?”
“Matching blue shirts and white pants?”
“Yes!” I shake my head. “Definitely her idea.”
Aiden smiles. “They’re quite the pair.”
I groan. “Don’t make it worse.”
He moves away from the wall and takes a seat on the couch too.
“Garth makes her happy.”
I pull my leg up on the cushion and turn to face him fully, propping my elbow on the edge of the couch.
“Of course. He does everything she says.”
He sighs. “Sometimes, I wonder if that’s how relationships last. One person makes the orders, the other obeys.”
“No way.” I grimace. “Can you imagine constantly having to order someone around? Control every little thing they say or do? Never satisfied? On the flip side, it would suck to always feel like you’re not good enough for someone. That they’re only happy with you if you do exactly as they say. Relationships are about give and take and acceptance of the good and the bad on both sides.”
“Since when did you become an expert on relationships?”
“I watched all of Friends. I’m practically a licenced therapist now.”
He chuckles. “Stop going to college. Use the tuition you would have spent to start a business.”
I laugh too. We settle into brief amiable silence until I speak.
“Do you get jealous seeing her with Garth?”
He shakes his head. “When she first told me she was dating him, I was happy for her. And relieved.”
“Why were you relieved?”
“How do I say this without sounding like a jerk?” He shifts in his seat. “Things were pretty miserable between us for so long that when it finally ended, it felt like freedom. Yet there was always this worry we’d feel differently apart and try to get back together. Then the misery cycle would start all over again. But when she started dating Garth, I knew it was really over. I could relax.”
“Wow.” I shake my head, struggling to keep the fake disdainful look on my face. “That’s terrible! You’re such a jerk! I’m telling her you said she was like two bags of cement tied to your ankles pulling you down to the dark depths of misery!”
Aiden stares at me with a wide-eyed horrified look. When I burst out laughing, he lets out an audible breath of relief and laughs too.
His features turn contemplative. I suspect he wants to say something so I sit quietly and wait. He takes a deep breath before he speaks in a quiet voice.
“Once, after my dad returned from a tour, I asked him if he ever felt afraid. He said all the time. That not enough fear and too much fear got you killed. A little bit is good. Keeps you aware of your limitations and makes you work harder to overcome them so you stay alive.”
“Were you afraid of the intruders?”
“Not one bit, which is the problem.” He meets my gaze. “I overestimated my abilities and underestimated those bastards. Vanessa’s right. I was irresponsible. I could have gotten hurt and left you vulnerable.”
“I disagree.”
“Maybe you should go live with Vanessa.”
“I strongly disagree!”
Aiden smiles. “Hey, you’re supposed to always be on my side.”
“Not when your side is insane.” I lean forward. “I would rather live on the bus than live with Vanessa. Have you taken the bus lately? It’s hell on wheels.”
His gaze flickers down before he abruptly turns his head. His smile is gone.
“Staying with her will put an end to her assumptions about us, too.”
Confused, I look down. My loose tank top’s neck hangs wide open. Below my dangling gold necklace, the tops of my breasts spill out over my white bra.
A blush floods my face and I straighten in my seat. How is it possible I’ve done something embarrassing in front of Aiden twice in one day? It’s like the universe is trying to get back at me for my sinful ways.
“We don’t need to prove anything to anyone. We know the truth, and we told it to her. It’s up to her to believe it.”
He looks at me again, his gaze locked on my face, not daring to go lower.
“We should at least establish boundaries.”
“What do you mean?”
“Physical boundaries.” He hesitates. “We… ah… probably shouldn’t hug each other anymore.”
I gape at him. “I can’t believe you let Vanessa get in your head.”
“It’s not her, Nat. I want us to make sure there’s no confusion.”
“Confusion about what?”
“Who we are to each other.”
Oh god. He knows. He sensed the horniness in my hug last night. Coupled with my flirtatious remark this morning, he figured out my inappropriate feelings for him.
Now he’s gently letting me down. By reinforcing who we are to each other, we know who we can’t be to each other.
“Well, I’m not confused, Aiden.” Lies. “Are you?”
He doesn’t respond immediately. My heart rate ticks up faster, my body absolutely still. I even hold my breath.
“No.”
“Great!” I force a big smile on my face and mimic building a wall between us on the couch. “Boundaries established!”
Six
Why is most of life designed for you to fail?
For instance, why are good habits so hard to maintain and bad habits hard to break? Why does it take so long to build something strong and worthwhile, and yet so easy for someone to destroy it?
And why is temptation strongest when it’s hardest to resist?
Last week, Aiden said we should ‘establish boundaries.’ I forced myself to accept the death knell ringing on my feelings for him, even though I’ve been buffing my button nightly to dirty fantasies of him.
Today, Aiden’s working out shirtless in the garage. I’ve completely forgotten the dictionary definition of ‘boundaries’ right now.
Here I am, spying on him like a thirsty bitch through the rectangular glass in the garage’s interior door. My greedy eyes feast on his body glistening with sweat. Each bicep curl makes his thick upper arms bulge and my nether bits tighten.
When he moves on to sit ups, his abs flex with the motions. I would love to stand over him in a short skirt with no underwear on. Every time, he brought his body up, his mouth would be perfectly in line with my—
Abruptly, he glances in my direction. I duck out of view and scuttle to my bedroom. I fling myself onto my bed and cover my eyes.
What is wrong with me? I’ve had crushes before but this is new and intense. For the past week, it’s been pure need. An ache that must be sated come hell or high water. And it strengthens the more I tell myself I need to let it go.
Aiden said the intruders made bail, but despite Vanessa’s fearmongering, they haven’t returned to exact revenge.
Still, I hate them so much! Not because they broke into my home, but because their forced entry was the impetus for these stupid, crazy feelings I have for Aiden now.
We shouldn’t hug each other anymore, Aiden said. But what would he do if I just went for it? What if I did as Maeve suggested and kissed him?
A. He shoves me away immediately
B. He shoves me away immediately and drop kicks me to Vanessa
C. He shoves me away immediately, drop kicks me to Vanessa, and never speaks to me again
D. All of the above
Yeah, definitely D. Besides, I’d be a creep if I suddenly kissed him. If I told a guy I’m not interested in physical stuff with him and he tried to kiss me anyway, that’s called assault.
My brain feels too hot and achy from all these swirling thoughts and what-ifs. So I opt for work to distract me.
I do part-time work as a narrator. Even though I don’t have formal training, I earn way better money than I would busting ass in traditional college part-timer work.
I get hired for all sorts of audio work but my favourite jobs are sexy audiobooks and 3D porn.
My script, microphone and headset in hand, I enter my closet and pull the doors shut. Not the best sound proofing in here but it’s dark and quiet.
An hour later, I’ve read most of my lines as Jeanette, a warrior princess who gleefully bangs a bunch of horny orcs in order to protect her kingdom from being under siege.
My throat is parched. I leave my bedroom and head for the kitchen. I redirect to the living room to collect my phone from the couch.
A sharp, fiery hot pain jabs me in the middle of my left bottom foot. My phone thumps on the ground and I cry out.
“Motherf—”
“Nat!” Aiden rushes out of the kitchen, concern all over his face. He’s in a grey t-shirt and dark-grey sweatpants. His hair is damp and he smells faintly of lemongrass. “What’s wrong?”
I stand on my right foot as I lift the left to inspect it. A piece of glass from the recently destroyed coffee table pokes out of my flesh.
He wraps his arm around my waist. “Have a seat. I’ll get it out for you.”
Aiden helps me hop to the couch. Once I’m seated, he rushes to the bathroom and comes back armed with a tweezer, rubbing alcohol, bandages and cotton swabs.
I chuckle. “Everyone get back. Nurse Myers reporting for duty over here.”
He chuckles too and sits beside me, gently lifting my leg into his lap. Bent over, he peers at my foot as he pulls the piece of glass out with the tweezer.
I wince at the prick when it’s free. I hiss and jerk my foot when he swabs me with the cotton drenched in alcohol.
“Don’t be a big baby,” he says, his eyes lit up with amusement.
“But it stings!”
He blows on my foot, his soft breath tickling along my skin. My stomach clenches. Instantly, I’m aware of the warmth of his fingers wrapped around my ankle.
“There. Is that better?”
“Yeah. Much.”
“Hold still.”
He peels off a bandage’s covering and gently presses the bandage to my foot. Then he does something totally against what he preached last week about physical boundaries.