I call out his name and moan, enjoying this last ride, this last high. When everything calms down, he picks me back up against him and sits down in a chair with me on top of him. We never part. My eyes gaze into his own, his hands holding my hips painfully hard.
“I don’t know where we’re going,” he says, lifting me up and lowering me back down on his length. “But I know where we’ve been. I know I’ve felt more with you than anyone I’ve ever been with in my entire life.” He lifts me again and lowers me, and this time, I rock against him. His jaw ticks and his Adam’s apple bobs.
“I know I’m not ready to let go,” he manages to get out, even though his body is coming undone. “I know I’m not ready for this to end.”
I’m not ready for this to end. I never will be. But it’s better to jump from a sinking ship than to drown with it. I know that. Deep down, I think he does too. He’s just not ready to admit it yet.
9
Hudson
Her eyes stay locked with mine as we ride out our last waves of passion together. When I’ve emptied myself inside of her, we both freeze. She rests her head on my shoulder and I rest mine on hers. I keep my arms locked tight around her, afraid she’ll run if I don’t keep her tied down. I’m not ready for this to end, but I don’t know how to keep it going, and I don’t know why I’m fighting so hard to keep her with me when before, I was fighting to keep her away. These last couple of weeks have done something to me, changed me in some unseen way. I can’t put my finger on it, but I know that when I come home nowadays, all I want it to see her, to talk to her, to hold her. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have her.
“I don’t want you to walk away from me, Deven,” I say as I press a kiss to her collar bone. “What we have, it’s too special to run away from. Can’t you see that?”
She pulls her head back and looks me in the eye. “I do.” She nods. “But I don’t want to be a dirty little secret anymore. And if you can’t promise me that one day I won’t be, I don’t see a point in moving on.” She stands, causing me to pull out of her. I’m cold without her.
“Deven,” I try, but she shakes her head and gathers her clothes, walking away. I don’t move until I hear the bathroom door shut between us. It’s over. She and I, we’re done and even though I know it’s all my fault, I can’t help but to blame everyone else. Brad for keeping up apart and making us sneak around. Her for being so goddamn irresistible. Me, for letting myself get so fucking wrapped up in her. We’ve broken up, even though we can’t because technically we were never together. How do you grieve the loss of something you never had, of something that was never yours?
I hear the sounds of the shower turning on and the sinking feeling of being all alone swallows me up. I fix my clothing and get to work on cleaning up the mess I made in the kitchen. I have to scrub sauce off the floor and the cabinets where it splattered. I scrub the floor and put the dishes into the sink but don’t bother with them. Instead, I grab my keys and head for the door, needing to blow off some steam.
A little while later, I find myself pulling into Drake’s drive with a beer between my legs. I shut off the truck and take the beer into the barn where I find him and Colton working on the loft upstairs. I can hear banging and them talking. I take the stairs two at a time until I come into their view. They both stop what they’re doing and turn to face me. I plop down into a lawn chair and tip my beer back.
They study me, wondering what I’m doing here and probably sensing that something is off.
“What’s going on, man?” Drake asks, coming to sit on a pile of lumber that’s beside me.
I shrug. “Nothing much. What’s up with you guys?”
Colton drags the cooler over and sits on top of it. “Working. What’s brought you out so late?”
I tip the beer back again, this time finishing it off. “I’m fucked up,” I confess, noticing the way I see two of them instead of just one.
“How much have you had to drink?” Drake asks, always being the responsible one.
“I don’t know. I lost count. Since I lost her. I lost her,” I repeat it again, trying to make myself accept it. “I fucking lost her,” I say, but this time, it comes out with a bubble of laughter.
Drake and Colton look over at one another with wide eyes and then back to me.
“Who’d you lose, Hudson? I didn’t know you were even seeing anyone,” Colton says, standing and taking out three beers. Drake gives him a sidelong glance for offering me another beer, but he does it anyway.
“Deven. I lost her because I was too fucking afraid to tell Brad about us.”
“Deven? Brad? Who the fuck is Brad?” he asks.
Drake hangs his head and rubs his brows. “Brad is the brother of Deven, the girl that he’s been seeing.”
Colton looks from Drake to me. “So why are you afraid to tell her brother?”
“Because she’s his baby sister. He told me to keep my fucking hands off and of course, I didn’t!” I shake my head and scoff at myself. “Not only did I not keep my hands to myself, but I didn’t keep my dic—”
“Alright, we get it,” Drake cuts me off.
Colton laughs. “So, your friend told you she was off-limits and you’ve been fucking her behind his back?”
I nod. “Pretty much, yep. That’s exactly it. And not only have I been fucking her behind his back, but I’m been falling in love behind his back too.” I look up, glancing at the both of them. “I fucking love her, guys.”
My head falls back so I can only see the metal ceiling above me. “I love her, and I lost her. She’s gone. She’s never going to talk to me again. She’s never going to smile at me or look at me again. She’ll never let me touch her or fuck her again,” I ramble on.
“Okay, I think someone needs to sleep it off,” Drake says, grabbing me by the shoulders and lifting me up to my feet.
He wraps one of my arms around his shoulders, and Colton grabs the other as they help me down the stairs.
“God, I miss her already. Her smell—she smells so fucking good. And her soft skin, I swear it’s made of fucking silk or something. And her lips, they’re so soft and sweet.”
The two of them can’t do anything but laugh as they carry me toward the house.
“God and her fucking body.”
“Alright, easy now,” Drake says.
I shake my head. “No, I’m fucking serious. Goddamn, she’s sexy as fuck. Her tits are like fucking melons. Melons I want to stick my face between and go…” I make the motorboat sound while shaking my head back and forth.
Colton breaks into hysterical laughter, but I don’t stop. I don’t know why I don’t fucking stop.
“And I swear, her pu—”
“Nope, that’s enough, Hudson. Shut your mouth before you embarrass yourself any more than you already have,” Drake says.
“I don’t see how that’s possible.” Colton laughs out.
The two of them mange to get me inside and toss me down on the couch. It screeches across the floor with my weight.
“What in the holy fuck is going on out here?” Celeste asks, walking out and wrapping her robe around herself.
Drake looks at her, me, then back. “Drunk brother. Nothing to worry about.”
Celeste looks down at me. “Hudson, what’s wrong?” Concern shows on her face as she sits on the edge of the couch by my feet.
I lull my head back as sleepiness takes over. “I fucked her on the kitchen table just a few hours ago,” I confess. “I threw everything off of it, picked her up, and fucked her right on her brother’s kitchen table.”
Colton dies laughing, nearly falling over.
Celeste’s eyes grow in size as she looks at Drake. “What’s he talking about?”
Drake waves his hand through the air. “He’s drunk, in love, and now single. You know the combination.”
She nods. “Hudson, you just sleep it off. Everything will be better in the morning.”
I shake my head. “Nothing will be better in
the morning.”
“Shhh, you just get some rest.” My eyes close, but I feel her stand up.
“God, I miss her,” I mumble, sleep taking over.
I wake in the morning to the sounds of a crying baby. I groan and roll over, refusing to open my eyes in fear of the blinding pain that I know will be shooting through me.
“He’s still asleep?” I hear Celeste ask. “Are you sure he’s alive? Have you checked?”
Drake chuckles. “I saw his chest move. He’s breathing.”
“Okay, I just don’t want a dead guy left on my couch all day.”
“I’m alive,” I shout toward the kitchen where I hear the voices coming from.
Drake walks out, hands in his jean pockets and smile on his face. “How you feeling?”
“Like dog shit that’s been eaten and then thrown back up. And then run over by a car.”
He laughs. “That sounds pretty bad.” He walks over to the recliner and sits down. I force myself to sit up, resting my elbows on my knees as I hold my head in my hands.
“You want something to eat?”
“God, no,” I answer, afraid to even think of food.
“Are you sure? Celeste and I can whip you up some eggs and some bacon. Maybe some biscuits smothered in greasy gravy,” he jokes, smiling the entire time.
“Are you trying to get me to barf all over you, ‘cause that’s all that’s going to happen if you keep talking.”
He laughs. “Alright. Well, you heading home then?”
I groan. “Home.” I throw myself back. “How am I supposed to live with her and not touch her?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know, but you’re going to have to unless you move out. You wanting to move out?”
“No,” I reply. “Brad needs help paying the rent right now, and I don’t want Deven pitching in. She needs to save her money to get her own place. I’m kind of trapped at the moment.”
“Well, then it looks like it’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.” He slaps my knee as he stands up and leaves the room.
Two hours later, I’m walking back into the apartment, hungover as fuck. Brad and Deven are both sitting on the couch, laughing and watching TV. It’s nice to see her laugh. Wish it was something I felt like doing.
“Whoa, walk of shame!” Brad says with a smile as I come walking in.
“Shh. Not so loud, man. I’m hungover as fuck,” I mumble, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. I notice how clean the kitchen is and know that I didn’t do it. Not only did I walk out on her, but I left her to clean up the mess of our demise. I walk back through the living room, heading for my room.
“Who was the hot date?” Brad asks.
“Jim, Jack, and Jose,” I answer.
“Wonder what’s gotten under his skin. He never drinks like that,” Brad says, thinking I can’t hear him.
“I don’t know, but I hope it was worth it,” Deven says, only angering me more.
I disregard them both and go straight to my bed to sleep the rest of the day.
When I wake up, it’s going on seven p.m. I climb out of bed and head for the bathroom. After a good, long shower, I go in search for some food. Deven is still on the couch, but Brad is in the kitchen. I grab a cold bottle of water and a box of donuts as I sit at the table.
Brad comes and sits across from me. “So, tell me about the girl,” he says, like there’s some juicy gossip there.
“What girl?” I ask, stuffing a mini donut into my mouth.
“The girl you went out with last night. The one who got you fucking hammered and the one you with stayed all night. Come on, I need the details here, man.”
I know he won’t ease off me until I give him something, so I make something up. “She was just this girl I ran into in town. We sat at the bar and had a few drinks. We danced and then had a few more drinks. Then she took me back to her place, where we had a lot more drinks.”
He laughs loud. “That’s my boy. You going to see her again?”
I shake my head. “No, I doubt it. Things won’t work with us. There’s too much shit between us,” I answer, thinking only of Deven.
“That’s a shame,” he says, hanging his head. “Why not?”
“She has this brother, a guy I knew growing up. I think he fucking hates me or something. Anyway, for us to be together, we’d have to go through him. He would flip his shit if he found out we were together last night.”
He shakes his head. “That’s too bad, man.”
I nod.
“But I guess I can say I understand where he’s coming from, you know? If it was my sister and I hated this guy as much as you say, there’s no way I’d let him touch my sister.” Brad states.
“And what if you didn’t hate him? What if, I don’t know, he was an old friend? Then what?”
He looks at me and thinks it over. “I don’t know. It’s hard to picture any of my friends being with my sister. I mean, that would be like you and Deven getting together. It’d just be fucking weird, man. I mean, she’s like your sister too. Don’t you think?”
I nod. “Yeah, that would be fucking weird,” I lie, not wanting to give him any more clues about what Deven and I have been up to.
Brad ends up leaving to run some weekend errands, leaving me and Deven alone. She walks into the kitchen with her arms crossed. “Is all that true?”
I frown as I look up at her. “Is all what true?”
“The things you said to Brad. Did you meet up with some girl and shack up with her last night?”
“What’s it to you?” I ask, getting angry. I mean, I’m in all this pain because of her. She made me love her and then she ripped it all away because I can’t give her every little thing she wants. If she loves me as much as I love her, shouldn’t she be more patient? Give me, us, all of this a little bit of time?
She scoffs. “You know why I’m asking, Hudson. Just because some things were said last night doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I do care. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t want to stay your little secret.”
“I was your secret too. Don’t forget that,” I point out. “You’re acting like I was just ashamed to be seen with you. You know that isn’t true!” I can’t help the way my voice rises.
Her hands fall to her hips and she lets out a long, drawn out breath. “See, this is why we wouldn’t work. We have nothing in common. If we’re not fucking, we’re fighting.”
I smirk up at her. “I know how to stop the fighting,” I tease, even though anger is still pumping though me.
She rolls her eyes and leaves the kitchen.
Two weeks pass by unbelievably slowly. I actually get to start full-time at the fire department, and as happy as that makes me, it’s all overshadowed by the loss of having Deven in my bed and in my arms. Living together and not talking has become the norm for us. The only plus side is that now that I’m working full-time, I get a lot of midnight shifts being the new guy. That leaves little to no time for us to be alone together.
Deven seems to carry on with her life like nothing has happened. She still gives Brad shit and they joke and laugh, watch TV together, and hang out around the house. She goes to work at the same time every day and gets home at the same time every night. She starts hanging out with Destiny more and more, trying to make herself scarce around the place when I’m there. She’s come home looking hungover and like she’s doing the walk of shame many times now, and it makes me wonder if she’s moved on from me, from us. Deep down, I know that we both need to move on from each other. Hanging on like this can’t be good.
So when Brad comes in from work one morning with a proposal, I can’t deny him.
“Hey, man. You got plans tonight?” he asks, sitting down at the kitchen table as I make a pot of coffee.
I’ve just woken up and am only half-alert. “No, not that I know of. I have the night off. Why? What’s up?”
“Well, there’s this woman. Her name is Abby. She works with me at the brewery, and I’ve had my eye on her
for months now. She finally broke up with her loser boyfriend who works in shipping, so I jumped at the chance to ask her out.”
“Awesome! What did she say?”
“She said that she’s getting ready to leave for a two-week vacation, so it would have to be tonight or when she gets back. I don’t want to wait two weeks. I mean, what if she meets someone else and I lose my chance again?”
“So take her out tonight. I don’t see what this has to do with me.”
“Well, she’s going on vacation with her cousin. Her cousin just got here from Georgia, and they’re leaving together first thing in the morning. Which means that if I want to take Abby out, I need to find someone to take Virginia out.”
“I thought you said she’s from Georgia?”
“She is.”
“Then why call her Virginia?” I’m confused. Like I said, I just woke up.
“Her name is Virginia, man. Keep up!”
“Oh, okay. I’m sorry,” I say, pouring a cup of coffee. I take the cup and sit down across from him. “So, you’re wanting to me double with you and this girl?”
“Yes, I know it’s a lot to ask, but I don’t have anyone else to ask, and I really want to take this girl out. She’s unbelievable. I’d be kicking myself the rest of my life if I blew this shot and lost her.”
Take out another girl? I don’t want to, but it’s a favor for Brad. Not only that, but Deven has clearly moved on. I think it’s time that I do too. “Alright, fine.”
“Really?” he asks, eyes wide with excitement.
“Of course. I can’t be the reason you lose out on this dream girl.”
He laughs and stands up. “Thanks, man. Tell you what, dinner is on me.”
“No, that’s unnecessary. You pay for you and your date and I’ll pay for me and mine. I insist.” I know that he’s already hurting for money as it is. I don’t want him paying because he feels like he owes me something. God knows he doesn’t.
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