Please don’t hurt her. Please don’t hurt her.
I’m holding my breath and feeling lightheaded by the time Pris shakes Millie’s hand. Xan is there too, hovering over Pris. His gaze is hard and stern, like a father demanding his kid apologize whether they want to or not. Suddenly I’m angry with him.
Why did he force her to come here? Why can’t he ever just leave it alone? Why does he always need to be in control of everyone and everything around him?
I kick off the side of the house and go to them. I don’t even acknowledge Pris because I already know what that pleasantry will be, very unpleasant.
“Xan, can I talk to you?” I ask and he ducks to the side to follow me out of ear shot of Millie. The heat of Pris’ glare burns my back. Xan’s excitement falters when he studies me.
“What’s wrong?”
“Why would force her to come here?”
He startles as if that wasn’t what he was expecting. “She’s Millie’s aunt.”
“She doesn’t want to be. How could you bring her here and get Millie’s hopes up like that?”
“We don’t need to talk about that right now, okay. Pris has complicated feelings about this. I respect that, but family is family.”
“Her feelings aren’t that complicated to me.” I mumble crossing my arms. “She’s hated me long before Millie.”
“Of course, this is about you,” Pris says jutting her hip out and crossing her arms. “This is why I didn’t want to come here. This is why I can’t stand being near you. Poor Briggs. Everyone is out to get you, right? Because the fucking universe revolves around you.”
I’m open-mouthed and fuming by the end of her speech. How dare she do this at Millie’s birthday. I glare at Xan. This is his fault. If he’d just left it alone.
“Pris,” Xan says, and she steps up closer to me.
“No. She needs to stop,” Pris says to Xan and turns a sneer my way. “You need to stop torturing my brother. I’m sick of the way he pines for you. You ruined his scholarship, you ruined his life, and just when I thought he was starting to move on you waltz back into town with his kid. Now he’s tied to you forever. He’ll never be rid of you. You’re poison, Briggs. You’re his poison and you know it, but you think of nothing but yourself. You always have.”
Her voice is an acid hush pushing through the happy sounds of the party and straight through my chest. I clench my fists at my sides and my first instinct is to punch her in her perfect teeth. My second to cry.
Instead my attention is aimed to Millie, who has entered the conversation and stands still as a statue with two tears streaking down her cheeks. Xan and Pris notice her too, Pris’ complexion paling. At least she’s not a total fucking monster and those hurtful words were meant for no one but me, but Millie heard them. Her gaze flickers from Pris to me and then I see her innocence shatter the second she looks at Xan.
Everything I’ve ever feared comes crashing down on me with one single glance.
Chapter Twenty-One
XAN
Blood pounds in my ears as anger climbs like flames through my body, but the feeling disappears with one look from Millie. Her heartbreak destroys me as her lip trembles.
Briggs steps toward our daughter who flinches back, turns, and sprints into the tree line. Briggs takes off after her and I round on my sister.
“Xan, I—” Pris starts and her pale lips stay open but no sound forms.
“I hope you’re proud of yourself Priscilla.”
I stalk away from sister, taking a quick glance around the party to be sure we didn’t cause a scene. I’m sure everyone here over the age of ten is waiting for the typical Ryker drama. The only one who’s paying any attention is Jet. His heavy eyes absorbing in the scene, understanding it on a micro level. I nod to him and follow Millie’s path into the trees. If I remember there’s a trail back here that leads to a small rock cliff that Briggs liked to read at. I’m guessing that’s where they are.
When I make it to the clearing, Millie is perched on a rock, sobbing into Briggs shirt. I want to rush to her. To pull her into my arms. To wrap them both up.
Briggs glares at me, her eyes demanding that I fix this.
“Millie,” I say softly and crouch down to catch her gaze. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry you heard that.”
Millie wipes her nose on her sleeve and sits up straighter. “Do you want to be rid of me?”
I’ve never felt a pain like the one that pierces me like this, her words, her pleading eyes, her perfect beautiful soul shattering because of me.
“Never. I never want to be rid of you. Not one single second for the rest of my life. Never.” I take her hand and squeeze it in both mine, resisting the urge to yank her from her mother’s iron grip.
“Do you mean it?” She asks small and weak.
“Look at me Millie,” I say my heart pounding and my world tilting with the weight of devotion to her. She meets my gaze and we simply stare at each other. I put everything I have into her and she is an observer. She picks up on everything. She feels what people don’t say. I hope she feels what I’m not saying.
She launches out of Briggs arms and into mine, setting me off balance and I fall on my ass in the dirt. I hug her tight and whisper to her.
“I’m not going anywhere kiddo. You’re stuck with me now.”
She laughs and leans back. “But what about mom?”
Suddenly the clarity of situation became muddier. This topic is much harder to move through.
Briggs’ fear is evident and I clear my throat. “What about your mother?”
I am not going to answer a question I don’t understand, in case she’s thinking about this in a much simpler sense.
“Do you want to be rid of mom? I know you guys were in love once. That’s how you made me. How come you’re not in love anymore?”
Shit. I watch Briggs for her reaction, which resembles a deer in the middle of the highway stuck in a high beam. I have no clue what Millie knows about love and sex and babies. At ten, I knew all about it as my life has been nothing but babies around me, with parents that lacked the desire to hide from their children. I’d walked in on my parents many times by this age, but I’d bet my life that’s not the case for Millie.
My chest tightens at the thought of Briggs being with another man, my stomach lurches at the idea she would do that around Millie.
She wouldn’t.
“Uh,” is all I manage under the scrutiny of my daughter.
“Xan and I love you. Nothing will ever change that.” Briggs swoops in for the rescue, finally composing herself.
Millie stands up and dusts herself off, her tears gone and replaced with her easy going acceptance.
“Do you think you’ll ever be in love again?” She asks skipping into the trees without understanding even a fraction of the weight that question carried. Again, I defer to Briggs because I have no clue what to say.
We watch each other before she sighs. “I don’t think so, Sweetheart.”
It feels like I’ve been kneed in the gut.
It shouldn’t hurt this much to hear her say it.
But it does.
Chapter Twenty-Two
BRIGGS
The only thing I manage to keep in my mind is to watch for Pris when we return to the party. She’s gone and a tiny bit of the tension I carried into the woods is left there. Xan walks beside me, his hands in his pockets and his gaze cast to the ground. He’s clean shaven, handsome, and put together on the outside.
I regret telling Millie that we’d never be in love again, but I need to manage her hopes. Temper her expectations. The last thing we need right now is her thinking we’re going to be a real family. She has me, and she has him.
Xan and I don’t have each other.
We can’t.
“You okay?” Jet asks, approaching us as Millie is dragged off by her friends for more chocolate strawberries.
“Yeah. Pris decided today was a great day to tell Briggs how she feels.” Xan
shrugs and tilts his head in annoyance.
“She is such a fucking bitch sometimes,” Del slides into the conversation.
“Where’s Zeke?” Xan scans for a moment.
“He went after Pris,” Tabby is there as if magically drawn into the orbit of her siblings.
I notice in that moment something I’ve never noticed before. Not to this depth.
The Rykers are more than looking out for each other. They are in tune in a way that I’ve never known to possible. They notice everything. They pick up on everything. They move as one. Like a school of fish, or the engine of a car, or gears of a clock. Like a military strike team, everyone knowing exactly what to do and when to do it to neutralize the threat. Xan as the leader.
Not one single person glanced our way as Pris ripped me a new one. Not a flicker of a glance as Millie took off in tears. Except for the Rykers.
“Thank you,” I say and once it’s out I’m not entirely sure what it the gratitude is for. Thank you for accepting her, thank you for protecting her, thank you for the kindness, the support, the party, the help.
Xan slips his arm across my shoulders and tucks me to his side laying a short kiss to the top of my head. It’s an absent-minded gesture and the kiss says you’re welcome more than anything else. Del takes my hand, gives it a quick squeeze and Tabby smiles at us with big glazed eyes as if she were watching us say I do.
“Now that that’s out of the way,” Xan glances down at me, shaking my shoulders slightly. “Let’s go have some bouncy house fun.”
Xan starts to the giant inflatable castle and I shoot Del a mocking glare. I gave her a budget. It’s my fault I didn’t put strings on the money.
Tabby shrieks and jumps on Xan’s back, getting a piggyback, and points forward, kicking at Xan’s legs like he’s a horse. Del winks at me completely unapologetic about her flamboyant use of my money.
“You coming?” Jet asks and I shake my head.
He frowns and steps up to me. “Fuck them, Briggs. Who gives a shit what they think? Do you want to look perfect or do you want to be happy? You can’t have both.”
The words dig deeper than he could possibly know. I glance around at the other parents. Sipping drinks and small talking. All I see is my mother. Her control. Her perfection.
She wasn’t happy.
The messy passionate flawed girl from the notes, turned into a calculated, cold, upstanding woman. And it made her miserable.
Jet grabs me around the waist and heaves me over his shoulder and I screech, half laughing half embarrassed. Millie notices me from the snack table and her wide eyes switch to excitement in a flash.
“Millie,” I yell. “Save me!”
She sprints toward us her energy buzzing.
“Throw her in, Uncle Jet,” Millie jumps around us.
“You traitor,” I say. “I’m your mother!”
Jet throws me into the castle and Millie dives in after me, tackling me to ground. I can’t even fight back I’m laughing so hard. Xan steps in and lifts Millie, her skinny legs kicking wildly, and they go down together and I pounce on my daughter knowing all her tickle spots.
All the tension melts away as I stop worrying about the past, stop thinking about the future, stop noticing anything around me beyond Millie, and Xan, and this perfect day.
#
The air is chilled, and the sky painted with a blend of orange and purple as Millie says goodbye to Sarah.
“Are you sure you don’t need a hand cleaning up?” Sarah’s mother smiles politely and part of me appreciates that she’s trying. That she recognizes our daughters have connected and their bond was forming fast.
“Thank you, Jen. We’ve got it.”
“It was a lovely party, you have a real talent for it.” Jen hitches her purse on her shoulder. “I’ll have to talk to you when Sarah’s birthday comes around.”
“Oh, I had no part in this. Delilah was the mastermind behind it all. You should definitely talk to her. This is her genius zone.” I scoop more plastic cups into a garbage bag and return her pleasantries.
Jen stumbles for a moment before thanking me and returning to her impatient daughter sitting in the car. Millie stands in the driveway and waves frantically as they drive away and then skips to me with a stack of paper plates.
Xan comes around the side of the house carrying his own trash bag bulging.
“I think that’s it for food. No bears needed for clean up.” He teases and winks at Millie.
“Thanks, Xan. You don’t have to stay.” I stack more cups on my already leaning tower and he holds the bag open so I can dump them in,
“Yes, I do,” he cuts me off and I’m stunned by the force of the words. A if it is his duty and obligation to clean up his daughter’s birthday party.
“He promised to tuck me in tonight,” Millie beamed and wrapped her arms around his middle. He squeezed her and kissed the top of her head.
“And I never break a promise,” he says in exaggeration.
I want to smile, to be happy, to really absorb this bond they’re creating but instead I only think about myself. I think about the promise he made to me, the one he not only broke, but shattered.
Pris was right. I am toxic. What kind of person does this?
“You okay, mom?” Millie asks breaking my thoughts and I nod. Xan watches me carefully, the same question burning in his eyes.
“Absolutely. But it is late. You better get going to bed.” I pull her in for a big hug and whisper in her hair. “Happy birthday Sweetheart. I’m so happy you got to spend it with friends.”
“Thanks!” She bounces on her toes. “Next year, Sarah thinks we should do a joint party. Her birthday is in in a couple weeks. Split the different.”
My gut sinks and my jaw hangs open but Xan doesn’t let the conversation continue.
“Alright. A year is a long way away, kiddo. Let’s just get through the night here.” He takes her by the shoulders and guides her to the house. “You go get your pajamas on and brush that cake out of your teeth and then call me.”
“Night mom,” Millie dashes into my arms for one last hug. “Love you.”
“I love you too. See you in the morning.” The words are automatic, and Xan and I watch her bounce up the steps, her sugar fueled youthful energy carrying her.
She has no idea the war that was started between my mind and heart. Next year?
Next year we won’t be in Raston.
Xan’s frown tells me he knows what I’m thinking.
I was so sure of that fact even a couple weeks ago. Next year we won’t be in Raston.
But now when I think it it’s lost all of its conviction. It’s lost all of its assurance.
By next year, this isn’t going to be my life.
Why does the statement that provided me assurance days ago suddenly cause so much doubt?
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Xan asks touching my shoulder.
No, I think as I nod. I’m toxic, and selfish, and a terrible mother.
“I’m ready!” Millie calls from the window, distracting Xan.
“Did you brush your teeth?” He calls back.
“Yes,” Millie draws the word out. She’s lying.
“That was not enough time to have done it well.” Xan catches her lie and shakes his head. He turns to me for a moment on the stairs. “When I get back, we’re going to talk about this. You need to start talking to me.”
I don’t answer him because it wasn’t a question. Xan swooping in and taking care of everyone, protecting everyone, fixing everything.
But it doesn’t matter how much I tell him.
He can’t fix this.
It doesn’t matter if I stay or go. Any which way this plays out someone is going to end up heartbroken. Every ending to this situation is one that hurts.
There is no happy family for us.
So why do I still desperately want it?
Chapter Twenty-Three
XAN
I stand in the doorway of th
e bathroom while Millie scrubs her teeth and sends me playful glares in the mirror. Moments like this have become what I look forward to over the last few weeks. The simple mundane moments of everyday life. No chaos, no crisis, no life altering decisions to be made. Just the simple act of harmless defiance from a little girl on her birthday.
I love that as the days go on, I see more and more of her personality come out in these little moments. They probably mean nothing to her, but to me they are everything.
“Come on,” I nod toward her room as she rinses her mouth tosses her toothbrush into the glass jar on the counter. I lay an arm across her thin shoulders and she looks up at me in a way that makes me wish things I shouldn’t be wishing. Like that she’d still be here on her next birthday and that we’d celebrate it together like a family. A real family.
But Briggs words hit me in the chest. She said so herself that her and I are over. The expression on her face when Millie talked about next year’s birthday told me everything I need to know about how this is going to play out.
Raston suffocates Briggs, she told me that many times. I want to tell her to stay. I want to be the guy that would demand the right to my daughter. To refuse to let Briggs make decisions for Millie without my involvement.
I’m not that guy.
I’ve had Millie for almost two months. Briggs has had her for ten years.
It’s so fucking complicated.
“Mom’s going to make us leave, isn’t she?” Millie startles me with her words as she crawls into bed and pulls the blankets under her chin. “You guys think you’re being sneaky. I see it.”
I sit next to her on the bed and push the hair off her face. “You are the smartest kid I’ve ever met.”
“Will you let her take me away? I like it here.”
I’ve never been asked a more difficult question. How do I even begin?
“You’re here now. You’ll be here for a while more. Your mother and I are talking about it, okay? She would never force you to leave, Emilia. She wants you to know your family. She promised me she’d never take you away from me. I believe her.”
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