MUFFLE: A Love Like Luna's (Mum's The Word Series Book 1)

by Laikyn Meng

  He wishes now he couldn’t utter them, that they were a foreign language. One that he hoped would be forgotten by the new age.

  Dismantled by an incomplete system, so another comes along to replace it. Improves the realm in which we don’t bargain with the truth because it is easier to accept the lies.

  Especially the ones we tell ourselves.

  “See Asher, unlike you, I don't have time to spread my shame. You may be angry. But after the explosion goes off and the wind blows the flames away, ashes remain. And that's all you'll ever be, what we will end up becoming. It’s out of our control. Stop resisting and trust.” There is that sensation to smoke again, but I mindlessly tap my fingers, hoping the ache will dissipate.

  “You can't fix me.” Asher’s low lull makes me understand he doesn’t want to be.

  “Why would I want to do that?” Too much energy would be spent on a question mark.

  “Other Women have tried before.”

  “These other souls don't consider that being broken can be satisfying. All the calamities, the shapes shifting to fit into someone else’s idea of an dysfunctional puzzle.” His butt plants itself, facing only his excellent ear to my explanation.

  Boxers are loose on his hips, and the chain around his neck weighs him down.

  “It's all triggered wrong. Boring would be fixed, would be cured and corrected. My Asher how beautiful it is to see your scars bleed and for me to share the swollen eardrums that I've been burdened with my whole life. In fact, I care to examine how wonderous the exploration of the wounds that never heal. The aching pain between your bones. Fears inside your toes.”

  My lips allow a small giggle through the analogy.

  “Tell me, Asher, what color does your spirit spill? Is it gray like the rest who weep in the night and convulse as they cater to the corrupt? Or is it so bright it blinds us from seeing the truth, that no one will ever be enough, not even ourselves.” Blankets pull back, allowing entrance to a safe haven. Asher’s eyes beg with me to make another move.

  He climbs in next to me as I pat the side of the empty bed. “Do you believe that we are given second chances?” An arm comes around my waist as the other lay above my head.

  “Sometimes.”

  “What if we are meant to be second chances?”

  “I don't deserve first chances, Ash. Reality is cruel, but it’s been keeping score.” My head places itself on his chest, and I hear the heart he tries so hard to hold back from me.

  “Why do you have me, then?”

  “Borrowing you until you meet the love of your life. I have you because I saw you, and I shuddered knowing that our heartbeats might have similar dents, and we could hold comparison on what it means to feel; truly feel.” Feel, the vibrations leave my lips as I close my eyes and dream of a more deserving world.

  Chapter 16

  LUNA

  It’s early morning, and before I hear the tumble of Olallie in the next room. I shift my head to see Asher has gone out running. My memories grip me back to a less ideal circumstance.

  One particular one, at the grocery store holding onto my mother’s hand. It might have been the first time I remember her smiling at me.

  6 or 7 years old, eyes wide with wonder at the candy section. I pointed at the colors and signed their names for her to see I was paying attention. She refused to buy me any, I look away, try and shake the feeling.

  She dropped my hand first, and I knew our connection was lost. Hollering was the best defense, she couldn’t sense the attack. But I let the strong vocals ring out until other shoppers eyed my mother with suspicion.

  Her chin poked higher in the sky, went to the checkout line, and escorted herself to the car.

  I waited and waited.

  Wondering if she would come back to me. Hoping, almost a plea with a prayer for her to care that I would come. Standing near the sliding doors, monitoring the hands moving on the clock, witnessing that time moved on with or without me.

  “She’s still in her car, darling. Don’t worry, she won’t leave without you.” A grandmother woman winked at me, and we both looked back out to the parking lot where my mother’s car brake lights ignited, and her car started reversing from its position.

  I ran out there, and she stopped only a second before jolting forward, and I smacked my head on the back of her seat. The goose egg lasted a week, I didn’t enjoy much candy after that.

  A few weeks after the grocery incident, I’m confronted with the right thing to do, but knowing it will be wrong coming from my mouth.

  All of my sisters gather around, my parents fawning over their talents. Significant, another robot smile through it all.

  A sharp slap across my face has my cheek inflamed. The skin had grown thick over the years, but she made a point to drag her nails along with it.

  Honesty they weren’t looking for, but I gave it to them in truckloads.

  Every affair Eloise’s husband engaged in, right in the same room. Vocally on the phone, in front of my parents, mocking their disability.

  The way his mouth moved, soliciting an exchange of awful slurs, dishonoring the woman on the other end.

  Only motherfuckers who have lost their spine, speak to genders that way. He knew I could hear every word, the disgusting winks. The eyebrow raises, I was thinking of burning him to the ground, but she loved him.

  It might be punishment enough for both of them.

  Another smack comes through stinging the other cheek, and I feel the blood rush, and I turn rosy.

  Her hands strike sideways under her delicate chin, telling me I’m lying. Calling me a liar. The action so familiar, it might as well have spelled out my name.

  A guillotine to the throat, to my speech. They wanted to take the one thing away, mother and father refused to use.

  Again and again, they smoothed out their fingers. Letting them hover in the air flat, mocking me.

  Once when I was at the mall with my oldest sister Alita, she gave them her business card. What she was trying to do was receive her employee discount from the company. Their mouths moved quickly, and she wanted to sign, but refrained.

  I stepped up and tried to explain what she wanted. Her fingernails pinched my side so hard it bruised for a week. Back in the car, on the ride home, she accused me of embarrassing her.

  Maybe my mother and father brainwashed them into believing I was the bad apple. One whose defiance was damning, and any necessary action would be redeemable by execution.

  Chapter 17

  LUNA

  Olallie was my horizon, born on a day of renewal. The celebration of a bright beginning. Somewhere I was a moon in her dark sky, somehow, I was the relationship between noble and incorrect choices.

  The bridge between light and dark, sound, and silence. Olallie had to know she was the shooting star I wished upon every night in my childhood.

  One, I pleaded and bargained for something good. Something to change my destiny to more favorable outcomes.

  Maybe then I wouldn’t be the frown on my mother’s face. Instead of the shake from my father’s head, he could deliver a nod of approval.

  It started snowing and could feel the small flakes beginning to melt on the tops of my ears.

  A beautiful sight to see. I close my eyes to imagine what a blind person might hear when the raindrops turn into mystical patterns, all unique shapes.

  They would tell me it sounds like peace, and I would say to them it looks like sparkling stars in the form of angels. The flutter of angel wings combing off heavens dust.

  We would probably laugh, and I would feel the rumble of their chest. They would start speaking, and I would close my eyes and nod. We are both connected in the silence of our own.

  CHAPTER 18

  ASHER

  “Do you love yourself?” I’m staring numbly at the TV screen.

  “What does it matter?” Luna’s hands are flat against the table, as she looks over every line on her palms.

  “Do you?” It’s a philosophic
al question, and I start to wonder if the answer won’t be right.

  Luna is focused on something else, her mind trapped, refusing to respond to me.

  “How can you expect me too?” I shrug, “if you can’t.”

  “Then I guess I don’t…” Her voice trembles, the pressure added is coming quickly.

  “I guess I don’t either.” Smug, son of a bitch. Our relationship was catatonic, and I wanted fury.

  “What do you expect me to say? Fucking love, me now?” Luna’s lost the soft touch, she uses with me. Her eyes seem wild with repression, and I don’t know which bridge to cross to reach her.

  But a small part of me knows, I pushed her away. Made her turn around to find another person to salvage the next day.

  "I can't be her dad." Finally, spitting out my worries, fears, and disconnect.

  "I know." Her forehead connects with the wooden surface and arms still outstretched. Luna’s voice is quiet, so exhausted with loss, tamed by disappointment.

  "Do you?"

  Another sad sigh, so heavy with grief. "I didn't ask you to be." The mumble from her voice vibrates.

  “Yes, you did. You know you did. How you've been acting, our family time, I've known exactly what you are implying."

  "I didn’t..." Finally, she raises her hands up and cradles her mind, like I have fractured more than her heart.

  "Yes, you do! You have some warped daydream that we will be together forever, that we can be a family. You are seriously delusional.” Dick, coward, you name it, I claim it.

  “Forever? Don’t bullshit me with these ideas! Gaslighting comes easy to you, doesn’t it? Makes that smile grow bigger, the weight of the world doesn’t demand much when it isn’t your problem. Am I right?” The chair snaps back as Luna rises facing me, her lips puffy and full. Eyes trained on defense.

  “Forever? Damn, you don’t know a thing about me, if you think I believe in forever. People like me don’t get a forever, don’t you get that you asshole? I get someday, I get a maybe. Nobody asked you to share your ideas on this relationship.” Tears bruise her cheeks, and I punish myself further by looking away.

  “I'm not some hero, Luna. And good hell stops acting like a damsel in distress. I mean, do you look in the mirror? How can you stand yourself? Must be hard to acknowledge what a failure you turned out to be, I guess mommy and daddy were always right." Signing those words make me sick. But I sign each and every last one with enough effort she gets the point. And yet her head was held high, her shoulders were droopy.

  Luna’s bright eyes held empty tears, but her eyes told me all the rejection and sadness she felt.

  One hand raises to the height of her head, she looks to the left, staring at it. Wondering what it is capable of, she reaches out to me, and with great dignity, she doesn’t slap. Instead, she connects a closed fist to my ear.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucking psycho bitch!” I’m not shocked. Honestly, I’ve been waiting for her to come unplugged. Didn’t realize I would have to destroy her to witness the scene.

  Not a damaging hit, by any means. But wake up call for both of us.

  This woman was incredible. And in my next steps, I choose to lose her.

  "I say a lot of shit...Luna."

  She nods.

  I nod.

  Olallie runs out from her bedroom, my chest still heaving. Halo girl starts to lift up her fingers, but her mother shushes them to her sides.

  “Don't push her hands away. That's the way she speaks. You'll take away her voice. That's one of the things she has left.”

  “She had you.” Her statement strikes the wrong chords in my chest, and I choke.

  A mother turns and bends down to her daughter, hugging her tight. “I don't think we ever had you.” Th rock bottom confession coming out in clear syllables.

  I start signing, I'm sorry, but as I brought my hand to my chest, she turns around and walks away from me.

  It wasn't for the best.

  Screw that truth. I knew what I was doing. Luna was a casualty to my inner war. One that I more than willingly put in the line of fire and turned sides to shoot down myself.

  Hair cast down, but she holds her hand up, making the symbol for love, I love you.

  Slow to raise her head, gathering strength along the course. Looks into my eyes still holding onto this sign, no tremors wracking her hand or heart like what's happening in my body right now.

  I wait for more.

  She waits.

  We both do until she waves goodbye.

  Worry, it might be the last time.

  CHAPTER 19

  LUNA

  “I panda promise.” It was something I shared with Olallie. A promise of the panda kind was like the double dog of dares.

  I had to make it happen.

  There were silly panda promises, like swapping all the blue chocolate candies to her and all the red to me. Wearing a rainbow of clothes on Thursdays to support the unicorn’s birthdays.

  But there were also other promises, ones I knew if I broke, my soul might as well splinter. She needed consistency, sometimes I caught those beautiful wounded eyes staring up at me, making sure I wasn’t going to disappear.

  It was an exact look I gave her, reaching out to graze her hair. Knowing how soft and real the moment felt.

  The ultimate panda promise came shortly after Asher exited our home. Olallie tugged on my sleeve, and I squatted down in front of her. Her hands so nimble and educated. Those palms telling stories, conquering mountains and all while I sat beside her, amazed. Wishing she knew how incredible it was to witness her life.

  Both hands raise they slide themselves to the left, but retreated to the right quickly. Then Olallie pointed to herself, then at me.

  “Halo, I panda promise where ever you go, mom goes. Olallie and Luna are bonded by the stars.” My pointer fingers shimmying against one another.

  “Come on, darling, it’s time for school.” Adjusting her straps on her shoulders, we walked to her classroom.

  Arriving at work, I put my shoulders back and my spirits up. It had been a long time when I had to consider someone else’s feelings.

  But I would do anything for that little girl, even face the man whose attitude injured a broken heart.

  “Wow, like you are so brave to go without makeup, especially with all these people that you know.” She was correct on one account. My face was empty of cover-ups. “I wish I could do that.” The first comment I could let go, the second made this about her.

  Truth bomb? My world has nada to do with her.

  “Don’t throw your insecurities on me. Your insult to my bravery has nothing to do without wearing makeup. It's a God damn blessing that my face looks this good when you are over there with two hours’ worth of catfishing, you’re an insecure slut.”

  My butt bumps the door closed before she can utter a comeback. But I don’t miss the bitch as she walks away.

  “Who’s a slut?” Asher’s voice is a crumbling façade. Behind the man I thought I witnessed a marvel. Better get my eyes checked, because that was a false mirage.

  “Lucie. The chick who’s been eye-fucking you since day one?” I point to the door to make it more visible.

  “Awe, a little jealous, I see Luna.” He gives me a wink, and my eyes scrunch up as I shake my head.

  Not in the mood for games, baby boy.

  “Tell me how your hearing aid has been? Did you like this model better? The batteries working okay?” I check his device to make sure it is functional and place it back.

  My fingertips smooth the hair out of the way, a swift inhale and I try to find my balance when I distance myself from here.

  “Everything is good, perfect. I hardly notice this one.” His legs dangle from the examination bed.

  “Good, did you want to set up your next appointment? I think your doctor should be at that one next time.” I flip through next month’s calendar and try and find him an open slot.

  “Um, I think I’ll pass, maybe do
it for two months or six months. I know it’s strange to say, but my hearing has somewhat improved. Almost as if I am normal again.” There is a hopeful smile in his words, and I give him the minutes to share with me.

  “I’m happy for you.”

  “Really? Thanks that means a lot coming from you. Listen, I should have called or stopped by to talk about how we ended things, with Olallie involved. Being a part feels wrong.”

  “Why?”

  “Luna, we’ve got a long list today. So try and hustle through what you can, and help out the others.” Lea shoves her head between the doors, not seeing Asher.

  I point to him, and she startles.

  “Sorry for the intrusion. Our funding expanded for the first time in a decade, and it seems everybody got the good news.”

  “It’s all the equipped professionals around here.” Asher doesn’t turn down the charm, and she gives him a genuine proud smile.

  “Take your time.”

  “We were finishing up. I’ll go grab the next client. Excuse me, Lea, I’ll see you at lunch hopefully. Asher, your phrase book for common signs, is on the counter. It might be useful for you to pick up other gestures.” A piece of hair dangles in front of my eye, and I shove it back into my braid as I make my way down the hallway.

  Feelings.

  Who has time for those?

  I have felt lonely before, isolated, and in the direction of uncalculated pain. There were no warm hugs, saying it will be okay. No whispers of encouragement as I spent nights single at a restaurant hoping to make friends.

  “Hey, Luna! Wait up a second, let me talk to you.” I hear a ruffling of a jacket as he tries to put it on over his shoulders.

  “What is it?”

  “I thought this must be confusing for Halo, and I wanted to know if I could pick her up from school. We could go get ice cream or something.”

  “No.” Continue the walk down the hallway with ease.

  “Wait, come on. Don’t be so uptight. I care about Olallie, I cared about you.” Past tense, asshole.