by Laikyn Meng
“No.”
“You are going to deny your daughter her friend?”
“Is that what you were?” The clipboard slaps the floor, and my fingers are going a mile a minute. He tries to watch, but he can only follow the speed of my mouth.
“When you made the decision to leave, I stayed. There were no footprints following you, because I washed them away before I became tempted with the idea of begging you to come home. Olallie did not cling to the window, waiting for your return. She held tightly to my waist and asked me if I leave, then I take her with me.”
“Luna,” Lea calls from another patient’s room.
“I’m fucking coming, Dr. Oleander!”
A front tooth makes it’s the best imprint as Asher bites down on his lip. He wants to curse, but won’t he refrain. Keeping himself calm, collected, so I look like the crazy fool who thought being loved and loving someone was possible.
“I’m sorry.” A shrug and one open palm.
My forearms cross on top of each other, and I politely confirm his apology as bullshit.
“You think this is easy for someone like me?” Eyes cast down at the floor, and I choose the ceiling away from him.
“Someone like you? Who is it that it’s so difficult to be today, Asher?”
“Your condescending voice doesn’t help our client’s wellbeing, Luna.” My therapist and apparently, everyone else’s is riding my ass hard today.
“Is there something I’m doing wrong, Lea? This is Asher, I will talk to him however I damn well please.” Our eyes connect, and there is a level of respect somewhere because she gives me a nod and backs away. “Self-pity is going to maim you. That horrible stench of grief is because you fester on such small inconveniences that you believe they ruin your goddamn life.” Tears want to shame my face, but I have lost the beautiful energy to care. Concern lost, as I face him, vision lost on anger.
“You asked me if I loved myself the day you left. I want you to know I do. Not for you or Olallie, or my parents. I love myself because even hell couldn’t suppress who I am. It burned me alive, sure.” Taking the back of my hand to wipe away the wetness. Not daring to touch it with my fingertips, letting me experience the release.
“Trials and obstacles of my adolescence where I thought I may never make it out alive. Everyone would have been okay with that, everyone. But I knew I could keep going a little further, wake up another day. Because it wasn’t about them. If it was, they had already won.” My lips pierce his cheek, up on my tippy toes, barely reaching his jaw—a kiss confirming that I am a goddamn sadist.
“Luna…please.” I don’t know what he wanted, there were no words after he called my name like a plea.
“Goodbye, Asher. Have a nice day.”
Chapter 20
ASHER
“I think there might have been a malfunction in my critical thinking.”
“Meaning?” Denver’s voice is gruff on the other end of the line. It’s mid-morning where ever he is today.
“Mistake, I made a huge mistake.”
“With Luna?”
“Yes.”
“So?”
“What should I do?”
“Fix it.”
“How?”
“By telling her what a complete asshole you are. Don’t know why you even called me. Ash, you already know what you need to do. No sense trying to prolong your groveling.”
“Hey, I thought you were supposed to be on my side!”
“We both know I only stand on the right side. If you are on Luna’s, then I am on your side.” He lets out an exhausted breath, almost feels bad for waking him.
“Talk later.”
My phone gets chucked to the coffee table. I stare up at the wall clock, watching the seconds tick by, mocking me further.
“Okay, alright, let’s get this over with, she might not even be home. Luna could be at work, or she could turn me away.”
Each step down the sidewalk gives me another mile to think up a strategy. Convincing others isn’t my forte. Usually, I can practice intimidation.
But I doubt Luna would love that idea of me forcing forgiveness upon her.
My fingers start spelling out words or phrases I don’t fully know the signs of. Honestly, I spell out most of my words because I can catch on quicker.
The memory of us sitting across the bar together. Luna signaling out a confession, her guts bleeding dry. As I watched how intricate the flutter of her hands signed.
One word, sorry. Then two more, my fault. Soon I take in the same direction as a woman I tried not to fall incredibly dumbfounded for.
Good news, they’re home.
Olallie is on the porch organizing flowers and rocks. Luna sits with her hands, clasped together as she stares off straight ahead.
I wonder if I should have called, maybe I’ll come back later after Olallie is asleep.
Luna is quick to notice my hesitation, those eyes that keep the nightmares away flare over to me. At one point, we were allies, but now I worry I’ve made an enemy.
Her hair barely moves as she shakes her head back and forth.
Another step closer, again, her head wags side to side.
Two more and Olallie has spotted me. Her little bare feet run to her mom and jump up and down, pointing over to me. I give her a big grin and open my arms wide for a hug.
Luna’s head full drops in defeat, and there’s fear rather than hope in the odds against me.
Olallie sees her mother’s head hang low, she nudges her shoulder, before taking the last few steps to greet me.
Arms circle around my neck, my shins getting acquainted with the cement. Olallie holds on tight, and she feels like the sun first coming out of winter.
Closing my eyes, I take in her solace. How wonderful this child sees the world, endures it even better.
Olallie pushes back on my shoulders, her right hand grabbing and pulling down. Then like target practice, she points at me.
“Me? You missed me, little angel?” Fuck, if I start crying right now, there will be no savoring our relationship. She’ll meet my eyes with a glare, and then I’ll burst into flames as she laughs at me.
Stop acting like you got kicked in the balls. Last you checked this morning, they were in working order.
But the pep talk does little to ease me. Especially when the little girl with light hair and a twinkle of blue eyes, nods yes to me, over and over again.
“Well, I missed you more, halo.” My hands go up to place the crown on top of my head.
Olallie laughs and shakes her head. She turns and runs back to her mother, cheeks flushed from the visit.
“Hi, Luna.” Keeping a reasonable distance.
Still, no words come from her mouth, her arms folded over a chest I miss snuggling beside.
Olallie looks up at her mom, tries to figure out the status of the standstill. But when she looks back to me, all I can give her is a small smile.
“Luna, I wanted to finish our conversation from a few days ago at the clinic we started.” A scratch forms on the back of my neck, one I don’t deny.
“You started.” Her aim is on the nosey neighbors watching us confront each other.
“Right, I wanted to explain my side.”
“Thank you, but I don’t feel it is necessary to speak your peace. We can find our own without you here.” Luna picks up Olallie, who, in a few years, will be taller than her. She does it as a power play, makes her look brave.
Too brave, in fact, I want to stay down on my knees and beg to be with her forever. But I don’t, and my plan goes out the window, losing my confidence quicker than I gained it.
“Denver is selling the apartment. I need a place to stay for a few weeks.” Wow, is that what we are going with? Bring up any more lies while you’re at it.
What the fuck am I thinking?
How am I going to talk myself out of this one? Denver isn’t kicking your sorry ass out, but he sure as shit should make those arrangements.
Damn
it, I am a coward.
“And you are coming over to repeat a goodbye?” An eyebrow pierces the stratosphere, catching me in my illusion.
“Um, well…I was wondering since I don’t have many friends here.”
“We’re not friends, Asher.”
“Right, of course. I get that you hate my guts, but is there not a side of you that could spare me some sympathy?”
Silence, again. She stares at me, blank face, no indication of anger or love. Her arms unfold as she places Olallie back on her feet. They both turn, hand in hand to go inside.
“Luna, fuck! Okay, I’m sorry I said all those shitty things to you! I’m sorry that I keep excusing myself with phrases like this is who I am. It’s a bastard type of personality, and I don’t want to be that way.” Knuckles are about to be sore from my fingers wringing together. “I want to be with you, I want to wake up and smell your turkey bacon burning because it needs more grease.”
Still, her shoulders only rise to allow the oxygen to move within her lungs. A tangle of hair goes about in the wind.
No foretelling signs of emotion.
“Every afternoon, I want to lean against the chain-linked fence and wait for our girl to come out of school. I can’t wait to see every second as she looks around and finds me there, and that smile that is worth millions of sparks on her face.” Turning toward me, just a little gives me a tap on the back.
My feet go a few more steps further, wishing the distance between us could end.
“Luna, I love Olallie like we were both created in the same storm.” A foot goes up one step, while the other is cautious not to push the boundaries.
“Just like you and I are the only survivors when it comes to a battlefield. We’ve taken so many bullets, our limbs have gone through torture, yet we keep our secrets. Hands that used to punch holes in walls, now only ache to hold onto you.” I’m there right behind her, trying to guess the rate of her heartbeat.
But still, she remains unpredictable.
“Sign me up, I can take the weight. Every tear you’ve cried, every rage you suppress. I’ll take it from you, so you don’t have to conceal your hurt. Because I’ll be right alongside you, bleeding double.”
Olallie loses interest and goes back to her rocks and flowers. Dropping her mom’s hand and I grab ahold before it is lost.
A vertical body against another. My other arm goes to Luna’s side, hooked around her torso. Making sure she won’t flee if given the wrong answers.
My hand spreads open, and yet her chest does nothing to cause alarm. She is calm, and I hate for assuming she would react.
Bend my head down next to her ear.
“Luna, I didn’t know I could love anyone until I met you. You deserve the world, but I can only promise moments, day after day. I may never be enough, but I won’t let that stop me from choosing you. Loving you frees the part that says I can’t be happy. Tells me I’m no good.” A small sigh leaves her mouth.
Again, no verbal confirmation or denial.
Luna gets the attention of Olallie, telling her it’s dinner time. She needs to go wash her hands. The little blonde girl nods and smiles at me, leaving the door open.
The woman in front of me never hesitates as she makes courageous steps toward the front door. My own actions drift back, uninvited.
Until she holds on to my hand and pulls me home.
~
Dishes clean, back in the cupboard, dinner dumped down my throat in a hurry. Olallie is off to bed, while Luna and I continue our positions.
She stands on one side of the table and me on the other. There is a blank canvas ready to be painted where our plates were placed earlier.
A red hair tie from her hair comes out and is flung to the floor. Luna’s thin shirt is removed, and I try not to gawk. Her nipples pointing and bare breasts are in need of a hug.
A shoulder tattoo has taken its place where my arm would go around her. From here, it looks like a moon or sun with faces. Not much time to take down notes, as her hands take off her jeans, then underwear.
Bare. Exposed. Damn, if I don’t feel enchanted.
A quick look over my shoulder as I make sure Olallie’s lights are off in her bedroom. Pulling my shirt over my head, loosening my pants and letting them fall.
Luna tiptoes over to me, her eyes the only sign of excitement. She bends at the knees and starts rubbing on my hard cock.
“No, Luna.” Stopping her from touching my skin to skin. I might implode if I don’t get inside her in a quick minute.
First, she needs to know by my actions, I am serious.
Hands-on her hips as I lay her flat on the kitchen table. When her hands go out to reach for me, I take my fingers on a journey to her wet core.
The furrow in my brows can be concluded as angry, but fuck if I am not frustrated with how good she feels. Damn, fool for leaving this for as long as I did.
Palms up by her face, not covering up the display of our blatancy.
“Spread them wider.” She does, as I pull her butt to the edge of the table. My fingers thoroughly soaked as I take them out and suck on them. Letting my tongue lap up the juice she delivers to me.
The lusty dick in my pants gets the next turn as I wipe my spit and her drips on him as I move between her thighs.
Luna patiently waits for penetration, but I do a marvel on her as I get on my knees, and I start sucking so hard on that tiny clit that her back arches off the table.
Her slit swollen and I hold nothing back, her grip on the table makes claw marks. Moan, after subtle moan, I don’t know if I can hold off much longer.
“Come for me, Luna. Show me what you’ve been keeping from me for the past months.” With another pinch and a nimble, my tongue dances inside, and she explodes.
“ASHER!” I swear she screams it so loud the windows shake in response.
Quivering, as I put my fingers back inside her to feel the pulse of her energy. My lips trail on her hips, up her stomach, toward the gold mine of tits.
Take my time to suck on them as she lowers herself back to earth. I squeeze a little harder, and she struggles to breathe. A pinch of another nipple, she grabs my dick, wanting it to fill her.
“You want me, baby?”
She nods once.
“You sure you can handle me after that orgasm? I’ve been bent up for a while, might get crazy.” She locks a hand behind my head, looking me in the eye. Confirming we only have crazy hot sex, and anything else will not do.
When I try to take off my briefs, she moves off the table. Lifting one leg on the chair to our right and another to the chair to our left. Splitting her legs wide open, I blink confused, but then she leans over, puts her hands on the floor and her ass in the air.
“What the actual fuck, Luna? Why am I learning about this contortionist shit just now?” Not even clearing the shorts from my knees before I dive into her core. She clenches around me, and I make fast past as I plunge back in and out again.
My own groan has me covering my mouth. The slap of our hips echoes in the small area. But I feel like it turns into a round of applause.
Luna’s arms bend, pushing back into me, hoping I’ll give her more. Bet her arms are killing her about now. I grab ahold of her waist and walk the few feet to the couch.
She slides off me so smooth, I barely notice when she adjusts herself to face me.
“Kiss me, Luna.” The bob in my throat comes out croaked.
Those pearly pink lips give me a peck on the cheek, teasing towards my mouth. Lips hit my own at a slow pace, holding her face trying to get closer.
Break the shell on both of our barriers.
It started out as a whisper, a scandal of breath on my bottom lip as she says, I love you.
Running out of time, every second, I wasted on stupid excuses. Holding us close together, I place Luna underneath me as I look into her eyes.
“Repeat it.” Needing to hear it, making sure it will be forged in stone or the stars by the time we are done making our
version of love.
A few deep breaths, and finally, she settles. “I love you, Asher.”
My forehead goes to her heart, without meaning to I kiss it, like underneath the skin holds my salvation.
Trying to align my body to fit over hers on the small couch doesn’t seem possible. But I don’t give up, even when Luna says let’s go to our bedroom.
I find the right angle, and she yanks at my hair, pulling on it as I jot my hips against hers. My cock physically in pain as I try to hold on for a little bit longer. Giving Luna more pleasure than my purpose of exploding. When she gives me permission, I finally lose myself entirely in her.
“Come inside me, Asher, fall down the rabbit hole.”
And without any hesitation, I do.
Chapter 21
LUNA
“Olallie, make sure you stay on this side of the sidewalk. The cars don’t always see you.” There had been a deaf child at play sign put up in front of our house. The same house my parents had grown up in, the one I inherited by default from the other siblings.
It was rare, they called or interacted with me.
She nodded a good yes and went back to drawing chalk on the sidewalk.
It was the longest day of the year, and the summer heat blessed us with the sun that healed our spirits. In preparation for Autumn coming, I relaxed and imagined my little Halo, dancing around falling leaves and carving pumpkins. She was coming out of her shell more and more. With enough patience, I marveled at witnessing the evolution of my young daughter growing into a girl with a strength of a personality.
The mailman across the street stopped and waved, and we waved back, I got up to cross the road to our mailbox, looking both ways as I did. I open the box and flip through junk mail and random letters.
Turn to look, and a car is coming down the road. I wait for a second or so and search for Olallie, who is waiting for me in the middle of the street.
A truck a few yards away honks, but the sunset is aimed to blind their vision.
“OLALLIE!” Chucking the mail and bolting to the center, I shove at her body, scraping the gravel to the bone on my knees.
Push her farther, hoping she falls safely in between the cars parked on the side of the street. There isn’t much time, but I see she is, and there is a smack to cement, a grind of tires screeching to a halt. My ribs break, and I am queasy trying to inhale my next breath.